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u can be asexual and in relationship..right?


Rose_Rose

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Hey well im in relationship and im not interested in sex or anything on that level of intimacy at all and my friend seems to think if your asexual your not interested in anything

i think im asexual to a certain extent because i like kissing but cuddles to me mean more than a kiss someone please help me understand if i am slightly asexual (if this a possibility)or not at all

is my friend wrong (because i think they are from what ive read on here)

thanks you lots :)

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there are asexuals that are romantic and want to be in relationships. Some asexuals here are into kissing, cuddling, hugging, etc, so yes your friend is wrong.

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Of course you can be!

I sometimes look back on my old self, before discovering asexuality, and wonder how I could have thought it wasn't a relationship unless you had sex... yep, I really thought like that.

I think of it as a spectrum. There's no black and white involved. The problem is of course explaining it - I have a horrible time trying to tell people about my asexual relationship and how we're not having sex and all that but that doesn't mean we care less, etc etc... not always easy to explain. But the main point is that you're happy.

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Tell your friend that no interest in sex just means no interest in sex... it does NOT mean no interest in love, romance, relationships, companionship, affection, commitment, emotional intimacy, cuddles, kisses, etc. Many asexuals DO like some or all of those things, and it doesn't make us any less asexual.

Frankly, when I hear about people who are so blinded by sex that they think the whole world revolves around it, I'm GLAD I'm asexual.

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on this board, I've been referred to as a "Romantic Asexual". I want a relationship. I enjoy cuddeling, hugging, kissing... I even like foreplay. I just do not like or want sex!

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I would concur with that - I'm in a relationship, neither of us want sex, but we enjoy a lot of hugging, cuddling, gentle kissing, etc. We go out a lot, go clubbing on the Goth scene every weekend, travel to gigs, etc. We occasionally go on railtours together, it's nice to ride through the countryside arms round each other and know there's nothing "expected" other than to fall asleep together when we get home.

All we ask of each other is love and companionship, it's all we need and all we want.

Hmm - slogan "Love is... Knowing there's no sex required"? :D

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Well said Supersinger and Pyromancer! I agree completely. I love the cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc, but Ive never been interested in sex. I think my family and friends understand the fact that Im not interested in sex (although I have never "outed" myself to them), but I don't think they can understand why I don't actually pursue romantic relationships either.

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PeterMacKenzie

I'm not sure what I want from a relationship. I'm not really into hugging, kissing etc, and find it to be as cold and meaningless as sex. As my mum used to say - "Perhaps you've just not found the right girl?". I find it hard, trying to figure out this stuff, since I don't really have much experience to draw on.

I have fantasies of what my ideal relationship would be like, but I know that thry're never going to be fufilled. I may dream of finding someone with whom there's a deep understanding, but in real-life, fostering such an understanding is a very tricky process at the best of times, and nigh-on impossible for someone like myself with inter-personal communication problems.

Indeed, the most effective way for me to communicate with a partner would probably be to email them or leave notes about the place. Talking really isn't my strong point.

Question - How are you supposed to form a close, intimate relationship when you lack conversation skills/impulses and don't like to be touched?

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Peter, me and my husband started out our relationship without having even met in real life. We found each other at an internet forum for alternative music aficionados, and started sending eachother long, thoughtful and very personal emails. It came quite natural, since we both are writers and we lived in different cities at the time. We got engaged six months after our first contact, it was the fourth time we met - and we've been together for four years now.

I do realize that I'm tremendously lucky having met my husband the way I did, and him being a person who accepts me and understands me for who and what I am. I'm just saying it's not entirely impossible.

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As my mum used to say - "Perhaps you've just not found the right girl?".

Next time she says that, shock the shit out of her and say "Perhaps I'm looking to find the right GUY". Could be worth the price of admission to see the look on her face 'til you let her off the hook :)

Question - How are you supposed to form a close, intimate relationship when you lack conversation skills/impulses and don't like to be touched?

I dunno, my dad did it and he lacks every social skill there is!

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Basically, my logic is that emotional love is far different from genital love. You do NOT need one to have the other. Therfore you obviously have sex without love... but you can also have love without sex! The latter is what I strive for.

As for Peter saying that he finds HUGS as "cold and meaningless as sex"... I'm afraid I cannot agree with that! I think hugging is the most affectionate thing too people can do.

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PeterMacKenzie

I like hugging my dog. For anyone else, I get tense and anxious, and feel relieved when it's over. :(

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I can understand someone not wanting to be hugged or touched - just because it works for some of us doesn't mean it's for all.

I've always liked hugging my cats because they never assume it "means anything", they just accept it as a gesture of affection. Finding a human who feels the same way took a lot of time and heartache, though I feel for me at least it was worth it.

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As my mum used to say - "Perhaps you've just not found the right girl?"

When anyone says that to you, a good reply is, "You don't just start feeling the desire for 'romantic contact' with someone when you meet some magical right person, those feelings start automatically happening at puberty at the latest... except for me that never happened, and this is the way I'm always going to be."

Question - How are you supposed to form a close, intimate relationship when you lack conversation skills/impulses and don't like to be touched?

You CAN have a touching-free relationship that's close and intimate; *I* have one, and if I can do it so can everyone else. Most people won't want that, true, but we tend to have all sorts of requirements for our partners that most people don't qualify for... that's how we find that rare person who's a great fit for us. The hardest part will be making yourself look, not finding the right woman.

As for conversation skills; most people don't have any, they just blurt out whatever's on their mind when the mood strikes them. Plus, you're obviously highly intelligent, so I bet you're better at it than you give yourself credit for. If you're just not a talker, there's no harm in that-lots of people aren't chatty. Maybe you'd be happiest with a woman who'll do things like sports or art or whatever you like along with you in companionable silence? :-)

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You can definitely have a relationship of any sort as an asexual. As far as meeting the right person, I *did* meet the right person, and he loves me and understands that I generally find sex distasteful. I'm a "type C" asexual, which means that I have a sex drive but I do not experience attraction. While it was weird to explain to my love that I wasn't sexually attracted to him, that I'm not attracted sexually to *anyone*, he got over, and loves me all the more for it. He likes cuddling - so do I.

He's sexual, as well. We do the entire polyamory thing - I get to cuddle other boyfriends and girlfriends, and he gets to sleep with other people, and it works to let him get out his sexuality without making me gag. We love each other enough to accomodate whatever needs we have. And we've been told many many times that we make pratically a perfect couple - not to say we don't fight or get upset, but that we care enough to work through it all and make our relationship that 'perfect' ideal.

-LD

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Silly Green Monkey

Newbies probably won't understand the Type C bit, since AVENguy's updated the ranges. No more Range A-D.

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I'm not sure what I want from a relationship. I'm not really into hugging, kissing etc, and find it to be as cold and meaningless as sex. As my mum used to say - "Perhaps you've just not found the right girl?". I find it hard, trying to figure out this stuff, since I don't really have much experience to draw on.

I have fantasies of what my ideal relationship would be like, but I know that thry're never going to be fufilled. I may dream of finding someone with whom there's a deep understanding, but in real-life, fostering such an understanding is a very tricky process at the best of times, and nigh-on impossible for someone like myself with inter-personal communication problems.

Indeed, the most effective way for me to communicate with a partner would probably be to email them or leave notes about the place. Talking really isn't my strong point.

Question - How are you supposed to form a close, intimate relationship when you lack conversation skills/impulses and don't like to be touched?

First of all, the "finding the right girl" argument is frequently thrown at asexuals, and bisexuals and homosexuals to boot. It doesn't carry much weight, really.

Plenty of relationships lack a physical component for whatever reason- long distance, religious celibacy, etc. Some relationships cannot bear that strain, and for others, it makes things less complicated. The communication issue is a bit more sticky- if you don't enjoy or engage well in conversation, do you really want a close relationship with someone? Maybe you're asocial or aromantic as well as asexual. However, if you DO crave a relationship and just have trouble with the communication department- you're not alone. Likely you just need someone that's on the same wavelength as you, which, obviously, is usually important in a working relationship anyhow.

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I like hugging my dog. For anyone else, I get tense and anxious, and feel relieved when it's over. :(

Interesting. I'm afraid I can't relate with that. I LOVE hugs!!!!! in my opinion, Hugs are the bestest! :)

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:roll:

Well, let me tell you about my experience in asexual relationship:

I've been married for 16 years and I guess I can call this relathionship "an asexual marriage"

We had a bit of sexual activity just during the first couple of years (actually very few), then we realized doing sex wasn't our first goal and interest.

So, since about 1990, we didn't have sexual activity anymore.

Anyway, we still love a lot each other and our marriage is a perfect marriage.

We have lot of interests, we do everything together, we like to stay together anytime we can.

I can ever feel her soul so as she can ever feel mine and let me say I couldn't live without her.

Does it mean an asexual relathionship can work?

To me, it does!!!! 8)

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PeterMacKenzie

I remember the last time I was touched by a female (other than my sister, who insists on hugging me when we occasionally meet). It was last spring, on a university field trip to Maorca. A girl from my geography class tocuhed my knee several times, and was amused by the way I flinched. I'm worse with guys.

As for being fine with hugging Scruffs, my dog, I think it's becuase I know she accepts it as just a hug, with no other meanings or expectations attached. Someone else here mentioned a similar thing with their cat. I can mess with scruffs without it meaning anything more than that I like to play with her (not that sort of 'play'!). With people, it's all so messy and complicated.

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Peter - would you mind describing in detail what a perfect relationship for you would be? It kind of sounds like you wouldn't mind hugging and cuddling if it was on your terms, no strings. What about emotional intimacy, mongamy, etc. I am really interested in knowing. You sound lonely and sad.

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Hi u lot :)

I just want to say a big thank you for replying to my question you've all been a great help to me

ive been here about a week or so and ive really enjoyed finding out more about Asexuality (finally i think i fit into something!)

i know now that not liking sex and other sexually intimate things is FINE :)

thank u from the bottom of my hear

i dont think people will mind if i say

LETS HAVE SOME :cake:

(",)

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PeterMacKenzie

It’s a difficult question to answer. Am I lonely and sad? Yes, very. Do I know what would be the perfect relationship? Whatever would cure the loneliness and melancholy, I suppose. Having never had a ‘perfect relationship’, or even a halfway decent one, I can’t say with certainty what it would be, as my experience is too limited. Sometimes I think that angst is my lot in life; that it’s an unavoidable product of what I am.

But what am I?

I am Peter. A part of being Peter is that I tend not to be able to form bonds with people at an emotional level, with a few, rare, and painful exceptions. I’ve had crushes, and romantic desires towards people. Also, I find communication very difficult when it involves people I have a ‘special’ interest in. As a result, I’ve watched certain individuals in fascination as they’ve gone about their lives, been glad for them when they were happy, sympathised and wished I could help when they were hurt; all the time being unable to say so much as hello.

I’m perpetually conflicted. A part of me longs for someone to be with. Another, more dominant part, is desperately averse to the notion, binds my actions and leaves me as a frustrated and impotent voyeur. I once had high hopes of finding someone, but those hopes slowly died. They live now in my dreams and fantasies, where they’re safe from the rigours of the real world.

So, what of these fantasies? In them, I’m with a female, aesthetically tailored to my tastes. We seldom talk, but have a profound understanding of each other that transcends language. Usually we’ll be doing something, both of us working together towards common goals. Sometimes we’ll just enjoy each other’s company, perhaps lightly touching our fingers together, or playfully rubbing noses.

In my fantasies, she shares my dreams, rather than ridicules them. Her personality reflects my own in many ways, though with the flaws edited out, and with a certain fun and bubbly aspect to it. She can be serious or fun, needy or supportive, but always empathetic and understanding - never hurtful.

I’m hardly likely to find anything like that in reality. By comparison, any real relationship is bound to be a painful and unrewarding struggle, yet there’s and emptiness that my fantasies can only accentuate and never fill. Therein lies my problem. To be happy, I must both find the impossible and avoid the actual.

Do I sit here, dreaming my dreams, or do I take the plunge and go for the pain of reality?

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Postmodern_Sophist

Hey,

Yeah, I'm in a relationship with a sexual person...thing is they don't know I'm asexual. Considering they have quite a powerful sex drive it makes for very awkward moments, but none the less...

I think we all like affection, cetianly I think a good dose of platonic cuddling all round would do us the world of good...we would get friendly comfort and affection, without having to reply on relationships.

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I think we all like affection, cetianly I think a good dose of platonic cuddling all round would do us the world of good

Some of us don't like ANY form of physical contact, not even affection/cuddling. Some of us don't even like to hear "affectionate" TALK, or have various other emotional interactions; *I* sure don't... and I'm married, mind you, so it's not like I don't have it available. We're all very different... and it's all ok. :-)

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in answer to your query rose - yes we can be in relationships. i met my partner on the internet 4 years ago and found through chat and e-mails, phone conversations and meet-ups, that we were so alike.

we both have difficulty in communicating in the conventional sense, but can express who we are so much more easily in the written word.

we shared so many common experiences and 'spoke the same language', which is incredible given the large age difference.

but our personalities matched, and we now live half a mile from each other in our individual places, as 2 independent people who love each other in caring, respectful ways.

there was huge opposition to my partner moving here from 300 miles away - by people who judge without knowing the facts [- they didn't ask!].

we developed our own asexual relationship, just going by how we felt and sharing the same views....and it's been good for the past 4 years.

i would urge people not to give up, as when we know what we want it's like a prayer or placing an order! it arrives in time [it's taken me a lifetime!]....but nature abhors a vacuum and always seeks to fill a void.

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Peter.

Hugging does not nessicarily have to be "messy" and mean things other than just a hug! I hug my friends all the time, and it simply means either hello or goodbye (especially if I haven't seen the person in a while)! Nothing messy about that.

And I find it interesting that despite your feelings toward physical contact, in these dreams of yours (that you seem to enjoy) you and this dream girl eskimo kiss (rubbing noses). It leads me to believe that perhaps you might enjoy SOME kind of physical contact (outside the realms of sexual of course) assuming you can find a girl that you have that kind of relationship with.

It also seems to me, going STRICTLY by what you've said, that you're a bit of a wuss! Now, I don't mean this to be offending, so if it is, I appoogize... but you seem to have some kind of fear of getting emotionally hurt. Hate to tell you this, but if you wish to be happy and not lonesome (as you seem to be and even admitted), then you need to take a chance at getting hurt. It is my experience that things will not just come easy and happily... ever! If you want things to be exactly the way you want, you have to take a risk! Risk getting hurt. The only way to feel joy (in my humble opinion) is to take a risk, a chance, to get that joy, even if it means crossing a cavern of emotional lava!

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PeterMacKenzie

You're right. I am somewhat of a wus when it comes to dealing with people, but my fears and inhibitions aren't something I can just cast aside, and my social troubles can't be solved by taking a pill or a 2-day course on 'people skills'.

Yes, I could try harder and risk more, but it's not something I'm comfortable with or motivated enough to do. I have enough to deal with at the moment without exposing myself to unecessary emotional bruising. I'm acutely rejection-averse and don't seem to have the usual emotional padding that lets people bounce around between rejections until they click with someone, so I like to tread very carefully, if at all.

I may be pathologically wussy, but I'm afraid that saying "Just snap out of it already" isn't terribly useful.

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