Fetishes and asexuality

[Anji.]

*laughs at self for finding this post first*

Honestly, when I read about BDSM related to asexuality, I think that a lot of people need to be taught to separate out sensuality and eroticism from sexuality, because neither stimulation of the senses or body has to be innately sexual. It can just be about pleasure.

This might be an overshare, but I really enjoy lots of really kinky stuff, and I get very...ahem...stimulated, aroused even. But not in a way I'd consider sexual in any manner because I don't desire sex to scratch the itch. Basically because I don't associate arousal or orgasms with sex - I think they can just be about pleasure.

I'm just very touchy-feely when it comes to this kind of thing I guess.

[Manatee]

1st post, heloo. I have a fetish for skinny guys stomachs a bit, but overall, nah. I wonder if "furry" can be thought of as a sexuality heh. I love furry stuff alooot, but anything else/"real" is pretty much.. eugh. An asexual relationship with another gay furry would be awsum, although thats getting massively niche, oh well :(

[martianJusticiar]

I'm very glad for this thread, especially the parts regarding the "nonsexual fetishes" (as my original post to this was going to be something along the lines of "Fetish is to sex what ??? is to romance - I experience ???, does anyone else?"). I definitely have the alternate, nonsexual form of arousal that the one post linked to earlier in the thread described. I think my nonsexual fetish would most accurately be described as hurt/comfort, with me imagining myself in the role of protecting and providing comfort. God knows that there's no suitable IRL application for this, but that's what my overactive imagination is for.

[Sapphie]

I can agree with you on this topic. I have non-consensual fantasies too, i think it's the dominance and control involved in the act more so than the 'rape' itself. I'm a very submissive person, i have a dominant personality at times because i have a lot of pride and believe firmly in my beliefs and opinions.. i don't take shit from people. But when it comes to emotions and relationships i'm quite submissive and lay low. I'm not very good with people. So i think my fantasies are tied to that. I hope so anyway, because i identify as a lesbian but i have hetro erotic fantasies yet i would never ever engage in that in reality or be attracted in any way shape or form in reality. I'm assuming it's only because domination comes very strongly with the male identity eg. muscular, strength, testosterone

[DJ Yuna B]

I have a weird fetish (at least some of my friends would say so). I love cross dressers. Like, for the longest time I have wanted to date a male to female cross dresser.

[Conker]

I have a weird fetish (at least some of my friends would say so). I love cross dressers. Like, for the longest time I have wanted to date a male to female cross dresser.

You aren't the first person I've seen with that fetish. I personally enjoy cross dressing, so hearing that is nice, even if I don't want to date anyone :P

[Deremna]

Okay.. Once again, this site has made me feel like a puzzle piece that has found it's fit somewhere. I always thought, "How strange that I find certain things very sexual but then I don't actually want to turn around and have sex." Because with most of my firends, even if they're not in the mood, maybe they think or watch something pertaining to a particular fetish and they are good to go. I'm like, "Okay. That was fun to watch/imagine/read and now I am done."

I have the whole BDSM fetish, too. In particular, I am fond of lesbian femdom. Not sure which role I would fit. I think I would switch. I like the shibari (intricate Japanese rope bondage) and water/breath play aspects. In my head I like blood play but when I see it or think about doing it, I automatically get nauseous. I have tried with my boyfriend to do the whole BDSM thing but it didn't work out (he is really, really against hurting women so it made it.. difficult.) Like everything else, though, reality disappointed me.

*I forgot to add in here a fetish that I find rather interesting because I haven't yet met someone who shares it or if I have, I never knew. It is easier for me to become aroused watching music videos than it is porn. I read today that is probably because of the fact that music you loves (damn you, Metalocalopse! Nows I talk funny unintentionally!) stimulates the same pleasure centers that release endorphins when you do's it (well, when you do's it and likes it, anyway). And when I do occasionally masturbate, music videos are normally the culprit. Particularly anything OLD AFI.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Deremna

[Fio]

Wow I'm glad that I found this thread. :)

"How strange that I find certain things very sexual but then I don't actually want to turn around and have sex."

That's exactly what I was thinking when I saw this thread title. I was wondering how the two things could fit together. Specifically, I have a fetish for lesbian femdom and for spanking. I don't watch porn often, but I find that I can only watch porn of these two types (although if I'm reading erotic stories instead of watching videos, I tend to lean towards what I'd guess you'd call maledom stories (men dominating women)). Most of the stuff I watch/read, I can't ever imagine doing IRL (except for the spanking.....but the times when I really feel the need for a spanking, it's more about emotional release than sexual pleasure from it).

[Fall Child]

Just curious, has anyone ever seen BDSM: It's Not What You Think!? It's a documentary about BDSM, and here in the trailer it mentions that not everyone into BDSM is into sex (at about 1:58). Unfortunately I can't find the whole thing online, and I can't really order it right now (don't wanna have to explain that one to my parents...), so I don't know how they elaborate on that theme, or if they even mention asexuals at all. I don't imagine they would, but I still think it'd be worth looking into if you're interested in how fetishes can relate to asexuality.

[Vampyremage]

I haven't seen it but it looks interesting. I remember seeing a documentary on BDSM years ago on HBO which was, I think, pretty much my first exposure to it. I remember the documentary being good although I don't remember what it was called, sadly.

[Sidhe]

I find androgyny beautiful - which I think actually leads into my asexuality. I lean towards a bit of control/BDSM stuff in my works. And for some odd reason I found pregnancy fascinating when I was younger (as in pre-teen). I still haven't quite figured out that phase.

Nowadays, though - androgyny. For example, I found Tilda Swinton's White Witch incredibly gorgeous.

Oh, and hands. I like hands. And maaaaybe a bit of a priest fetish. What can I say? Unavailable, untouchable man in a robe? I'm more than happy to ogle from a distance. Nothing says I can't ogle.

[vrazda verlaine]

I think I might have a bit of autoandrophilia, but once again, not sure if it actually counts as such because of the nonlibidoist thing. Um.

[Satrie]

I'm tired of hiding and feeling ashamed. I have a diaper fetish, and I still feel lost, confused and alone (even though there are tons of people into it).

Well, I'm going to say that I have that fetish, too. Never told anyone about it because... yeah. I kind of got past feeling ashamed, it's more of a feeling of how the heck other people will think about it if I'll ever tell them. I'm still unsure if people who know me should know that about me. -.-

[LarKsPUr35]

I have to be honest here... whenever I speak about my 'kink/fetish' to anyone outside of my asexual friends, I get stares worse than when I tell them I'm asexual and they automatically assume that I'm lying about being asexual. Why the hell would I lie? For myself, the thought of having sex does nothing for me. Yes, I was in a sexual relationship with a guy (for almost 3 yrs) but that was almost 9 yrs ago. I have never enjoyed sex. I did not like him touching me in a sexual manner. Hell, I've never even had an orgasm and I'm 32. I don't have a diaper fetish. I'm not into degradation or humiliation or anything like that. What I am into - like, REALLY into -- is YAOI and slash. Watching/reading about/even writing my own really 'turns me on' asexually speaking. No, I don't masturbate or anything like that. (I've only ever tried masturbation once in my whole life when I was 12... it did nothing for me then and I haven't done it since in 20 yrs.) I have no desire to ever have sex or even bother with another relationship again. And if I end up dying alone, so be it. The thought of it really and absolutely does not faze me at all. As for being utterly taken with Japanese animated gay porn, this is me. I can't change who I am or the way I am. Take it or leave it.

[Kurai-Tenshi_Niks]

I also have a humiliation/degradation fetish. I'm not really into much else to be honest, but that particular fetish I find is what arouses me the most.

[Longtail]

I really wish I didn't have a fetish, I feel ashamed to have it. It's not something bad it's just stupid and I don't understand why it developed. I've been interested in it for as long as I can remember and then as I matured it started arousing me for some reason.

It just seems like a stupid pointless thing that is utterly wasted on me because

a) it's impossible to achieve

b) very few other people seem to have it and there doesn't seem to be much of an online presence for it

Bleh. I can't even bring myself to admit what it is, that's how ashamed I am of having a fetish.

[vici]

I find the whole concept of BDSM interesting. It doesn't turn me on or anything but I think the way people who are really into it function is quite interesting.

After seeing the computer history:

Mum: whats...bdsm?

Dad: I don't know...ask your daughter!

Mum: well?

Me: ....er...I'm going for a walk!

[Member33070]

I'm definitely curious about it. I've got an account on FetLife now, and have been exploring their fetish list...

I'm definitely into corsets, guys cross-dressing (especially in fishnets, with a "goth" theme), guys in goth outfits in general, muscles (but not super-cut bodybuilder sorts), and I'm curious about bondage and rope binding and such...

I don't think I'd like being whipped or cut or anything like that, but being tied up or tied up and suspended, if done right, sounds amazing...

oh and to clarify: none of this is sexual for me...

[Majnun]

I have a weird fetish (at least some of my friends would say so). I love cross dressers. Like, for the longest time I have wanted to date a male to female cross dresser.

Oh God, the really good ones are absolutely gorgeous! It's not a turn on for me, but I just think it's so cool when a guy can legitimately pull off looking like a girl. I would love to at least catch a movie with one someday.

[Vdougie]

I have a "furry" fetish, which means I enjoy looking at anthromorphic animal art. I look at the stuff almost every day. Rule 34 of the internet:(Look it up) If it exists, there is porn for it.

[The Vampire Queen]

Biting. I like being both biter and bite-ee. I also enjoy inflicting pain (light stuff though). Lately I've been discovering my inner dom ;)

[Qutenkuddly]

I really wish I didn't have a fetish, I feel ashamed to have it. It's not something bad it's just stupid and I don't understand why it developed. I've been interested in it for as long as I can remember and then as I matured it started arousing me for some reason.

It just seems like a stupid pointless thing that is utterly wasted on me because

a) it's impossible to achieve

b) very few other people seem to have it and there doesn't seem to be much of an online presence for it

Bleh. I can't even bring myself to admit what it is, that's how ashamed I am of having a fetish.

Go to fetlife.com. The array of fetishes there is quite mind boggling. Odds are you'll find at least a few people who share the same fetish and can offer advice and support.

[HavenHamilton]

Tell you what my big one is . . .

It might be correlated to the androgyny thing (See Androgynous Look post in Gender Discussion).

I like women with hair, not only on their privates, but in their armpits as well. Something just really turns me on about it: Arms, legs, even nipples a little bit . . .

Yeah, it may be a genderqueer type thing that turns me on about it, but that's my big one at the moment.

Also--there are a lot of weird things that turn me on--but I just started looking into dacryphilia tonight. I'm not really into to bondage, but dacryphilia is an arousal from crying or sobbing. In specific contexts (aka sex/porno) women crying is very arousing to me. Even in a normal unintentionally sexy situation, I am filled with a strange rapture upon seeing a crying woman.

[Kathy The Highlighter]

Another one for the cake and chains here XD I'm pretty much in general a non-sexual sub I think, though I don't like pain that much... I'll admit there's sort of a sensual energy to the idea of being spanked or bitten, though. I'm grey-A, though, and I don't really mentally have a problem with the idea of sex, so perhaps one day I might try kinky things in combination with sex to see if maybe that'll make me a bit more interested in/excited by it. :0

I also have something of a comfort fetish I think. I've always felt sort of an....attraction to guys who are depressed or sad, or more specifically the idea of cheering such a person up. It's not inherently -sexual-, but I just get this feeling of wanting to kiss and cuddle the person until they feel better and are happy again. I don't know if that's just inner empathy coming out or not though.

[indigo_haze]

This thread has really helped me work through some inner battles tonight. I have written out my feelings on my semisexuality in a word document and want to copy an extract here now to add to the discussion. I hope that is okay and feel it is fitting as my first post on the forums:

I find the idea of two men or occasionally a man and a woman interacting in a way that many people would call a fetish arousing. I like certain fetishes up to the point that they get too focused on just sex e.g. feet/feet worship, hypnosis, dom/sub in general, verbal humiliation, frottage. The people in these fantasies are not real to me, they are characters and in this way I can arouse myself by watching them. I do not feel the desire to participate in these acts in real life (I think, from experience, although sometimes I try to kid myself that this is a way I can rejoin streamlined sexual society). I don’t even particularly want to watch them in real life so I cannot even class myself as a voyeur but I can masturbate over porn involving them or thinking about them, sometimes even involving people I know, but I would never want to follow through with them in real life, I reiterate.

I think this means that I am semisexual, since it is impossible for me to have a sexual relationship with another RL human being. I could imagine watching porn together perhaps and mutually enjoying it, maybe at a push even helping each other out in each’s enjoyment of the sexual fantasy physically mostly as part of an expression of our intimacy with each other I suppose. But not and never performing the sexual acts in themselves on each other.

I don’t know why I would never want to do them in real life and as I say when I do explore the avenue of trying to find someone to do them with, I am filled with a deep seated feeling of unease and shame. For a while I thought I was just uneasy about the fact that I liked these acts and that once I started trying to fulfil them in real life I would stop thinking they were depraved or abnormal and accept that this was the way I had to pursue my life. But with the realisation that it could be that I just don’t want to do these acts IRL, I can finally find some sort of way to approximate a name for this: Semisexual/Grey-A.

Having striven towards something like a more satisfying label, I now begin to question how on earth I go about looking for potential partners who will either embrace and maybe as I say mutually partake in some of the things that can arouse me or at least accept it is a part who I am? I feel I am in such a niche that my 'market' is going to be countable on two hands.

Also, sorry if I have used some of the wrong terminology in this post, I am very new to all of this and am finding the best ways I currently think of to talk about it, no offence intended in away and please do feel free to correct/discuss with me anything I have said that is inaccruate.

Finally, thanks for listening!

[TekLok]

I think I am an asexual fetishist. I developed my fetishes about the same time as puberty. I felt common heterosexual attraction but I didn't care about the female anatomy much. Typical porn disgusted me. I could only find arousal by picturing myself or girls with my fetish involved. My fetishes mainly involve second skin encasement and erotic asphyxiation. Much of my fetish is about becoming an anonymous sexual object and the sensations of the materials involved. But the orgasm itself heavily relies on the lack of oxygen. To me romance and sex are incompatible. I can't imagine myself doing both with someone I really love. So obviously I am still a virgin. I feel flawed because of all of this. Its been harder to deal with lately because of the cognitive dissonance I experience. The human body needs air especially when it comes to physical activities like sex. I'm forcing myself to stop and it hurts even though part of me knows its the right direction. This gets too complicated for me to talk about so I'll stop here. Too many complex ideas and conflicting emotions. Maybe if I had just fucked a girl at least once I wouldn't feel so broken.

~~~

Oh and I'm not sure if you can consider this asexual or not. I would maybe call it fetishexual hehehehe...

[highcakedrive]

Is oral a fetish? It arouses me... a lot.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Maybe if I had just fucked a girl at least once I wouldn't feel so broken.

Maybe if I had just fucked a girl at least once I wouldn't feel so broken.

Don't think fucking someone would solve any internal conflicts.

I also can't link romance and sex together.

[Janus the Fox]

This is old but ill input again... I have an furry, possibly a number of cartoon fetishes. Contained within my special interests... the gender, sexuality and imagery of a younger age don't seem to matter.

Fetishes are there to indulge, there's no problem with them unless it gets in the way of life and other conditions, then it is diagnosable as a paraphilia for which ca be more controllable. Enjoy the weirdness ;)

[Mostly Peaceful Ryan]

Locking for Necromancy. If you wish to continue the discussion feel free to create a new thread.

GIR,

Asexual Q&A Moderator