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kakkobean

What is Sexual Frustration?

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Ocelot

Yeah, what I don't understand about this whole "sexual frustration" business is, why not masturbate to relieve the tension?

I'm one of those people who experiences a periodic need for orgasm without any accompanying desire for sex. When the desire hits, I give myself 2-3 orgasms and presto, it's gone.

I'm told that masturbation doesn't replace sex for sexual people, but still, I would think it would relieve some of the physical discomfort.

E.

I believe it would relieve some of that tension, but not in the way that they want. Sexual urges are intertwined with sexual attraction to others for them. Remember the hunger metaphors: hunger vs hungry for ____ (insert food of choice).

"Plus I'm hungry for shiiiiiiit! thlip thilp"

Sorry, I remembered that from Sick Animation and I just had to say it.

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sexualwithasexual

BunnyK. described something that I'm going through right now! I'm going along, thinking I'm fine, I don't really feel like having sex or anything and then, BAM! I'll have a dream! Last night I dreamt of kissing (that's something I've been thinking about lately - more on that in a minute..). But these two women in my dream - a couple, that exist only in dream land, kissed me briefly, but HOTLY. Openly, deliciously! So I went through my day obsessing on the kisses! I wanted to kiss, touch, love everyone! I mean almost everyone looked delicious to me today! Intellectually, I know I would not really want to kiss these women, these men, these strangers, but on a crave level, they seemed perfect! So I get that the threshold is lowered perhaps, in the throes of sexual frustration...

The kissing thing is on my mind as I am trying to understand the dislike of open mouthed kissing that most asexuals seem to have? My partner included.. While we have had many lovely open kisses in our time, she can't seem to put in words what's going on now. She says it's not gross, it's not that she doesn't like it.. she just, doesn't kiss me. So I try to imagine if I could kiss someone I'm NOT attracted to, and the answer is probably I would not. But then I have that dream and a day like today, and I think under some frustrated states, I could make out with almost anyone!

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Sally

I doubt if understanding, as we often think of it, is possible. Most asexuals can understand that sexuals want this or that in the sense that they know that sexuals want etc. (because sexuals and the world tell us that), but you can't truly understand something unless you feel it. Sexuals, it seems, think of it as them having the feeling and the asexuals not having the feeling -- sexuals = positive, asexuals = negative. But some asexuals have feelings about various things like kissing; they're just not the feelings that sexuals have. Your girlfriend, Sexualwith, may indeed not dislike kissing but her feelings about it are simply different from yours. If she felt what you feel, she'd probably deliberately kiss you. But she doesn't, so she doesn't.

Maybe we should not attempt so much to understand each other but just simply accept that we feel differently. There's really no way to explain a feeling to someone unless they can relate to it.

Think of a food you don't like. (Yes, I know everybody does the food thing, but it works.) You could probably find words to tell someone who loves that food why you don't like it, but they still wouldn't understand because they feel so differently about it. Their attempts to tell you why they love it probably wouldn't make much sense to you either. Your feelings about that food are very individual and neither person's feelings are going to be changed by someone else's feeing.

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sexualwithasexual

sigh..

thanks Sally. That makes total sense. The food analogy works perfectly here. If only my craving for mushrooms (sex) could be fed alone, without her...

sigh.. I feel so stuck in something rather tragic.

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chipmunkgirl

Most asexuals can understand that sexuals want this or that in the sense that they know that sexuals want etc. (because sexuals and the world tell us that), but you can't truly understand something unless you feel it.

Sally's spot on- I'm reading through this thread and thinking- they want sex so much that it hurts. Ok.... hurts where? How? What does that mean exactly? How do they know they want sex in the first place? :huh:

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Ocelot

I doubt if understanding, as we often think of it, is possible. Most asexuals can understand that sexuals want this or that in the sense that they know that sexuals want etc. (because sexuals and the world tell us that), but you can't truly understand something unless you feel it. Sexuals, it seems, think of it as them having the feeling and the asexuals not having the feeling -- sexuals = positive, asexuals = negative. But some asexuals have feelings about various things like kissing; they're just not the feelings that sexuals have. Your girlfriend, Sexualwith, may indeed not dislike kissing but her feelings about it are simply different from yours. If she felt what you feel, she'd probably deliberately kiss you. But she doesn't, so she doesn't.

Maybe we should not attempt so much to understand each other but just simply accept that we feel differently. There's really no way to explain a feeling to someone unless they can relate to it.

Think of a food you don't like. (Yes, I know everybody does the food thing, but it works.) You could probably find words to tell someone who loves that food why you don't like it, but they still wouldn't understand because they feel so differently about it. Their attempts to tell you why they love it probably wouldn't make much sense to you either. Your feelings about that food are very individual and neither person's feelings are going to be changed by someone else's feeing.

I think I can understand something I have never felt. This reminds me of bacon. I sort of like the thought of eating it, and I know I would enjoy it, but it grosses me out at the same time, so I don't. It's weird.

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Ocelot

Sally's spot on- I'm reading through this thread and thinking- they want sex so much that it hurts. Ok.... hurts where? How? What does that mean exactly? How do they know they want sex in the first place? :huh:

Haven't you ever wanted something so badly that your body ached from not having it? I know I have (though it was for things other than sex).

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Galen

I'm feeling it is there is more than just thoughts, lets pretend our bodies have been programed to reproduce, so there are hormones etc.. flowing around. Maybe some of these are what agitate us when we are near the ones we love and overtime have not released. Or maybe it is just withdrawal from those hormones released during sex.

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chipmunkgirl

Sally's spot on- I'm reading through this thread and thinking- they want sex so much that it hurts. Ok.... hurts where? How? What does that mean exactly? How do they know they want sex in the first place? :huh:

Haven't you ever wanted something so badly that your body ached from not having it? I know I have (though it was for things other than sex).

My stomach has ached with hunger, but that's about it.

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Moondragon007

I think I can understand something I have never felt. This reminds me of bacon. I sort of like the thought of eating it, and I know I would enjoy it, but it grosses me out at the same time, so I don't. It's weird.

Huh, that's an interesting analogy. Are you Jewish/Muslem/Vegan, or just anti-pork?

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Sally

I'm feeling it is there is more than just thoughts, lets pretend our bodies have been programed to reproduce, so there are hormones etc.. flowing around. Maybe some of these are what agitate us when we are near the ones we love and overtime have not released. Or maybe it is just withdrawal from those hormones released during sex.

Asexuals have the same hormones -- it seems from AVEN that many here have had their hormonal levels checked and they were the usual level (and in a few cases, higher than usual). Hormones are connected with libido, not orientation. The key may be the "ones we love", because some asexuals can romantically love people but by the general definition of asexuality, we aren't sexually attracted to them. Being around the ones we love doesn't make us want sex. Some asexuals also want children. So there's something else (almost probably biochemical or brain-wired) going on besides hormones or being reproduction-oriented.

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Galen

Well I know it is not just hormones, but spit it out anyway. It may be deeper like an instinct even though we all should have it some don't. Can't be hormones I guess or some shots would change those that desire to be changed.

Some say the sexuals should just masturbate and that should do it. But, really the sex as stated before is more about the bonding etc..

I am very much more satisfied with sex with no release then I am with any type of masturbation. I know it sounds odd but there is a lot of personal self esteem for me that is based upon my wife desiring me. I have separated it a lot already, and now stand on my own. It is late and I really have a word for it that I even used earlier to my brother who has many friends etc... openly appraising him now that his wife seems to have moved out with a coworker, that I can not fully grasp now. I'll edit it in tomorrow. The problem is that light kisses and cuddling, sex with someone not interested in sex is not the same as if your partner desired the whole package. Sex with someone interested in sex but not in love with you would probably not fill that gap either.

Sexual frustration though does make me conscious of contact from others (eg. getting change), and the number of attractive women around me seems to increase.

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Kaleish

For me, the very best way I can think to help someone with no sex drive what sexual frustration is like for me, is to liken it to really, really having to pee.

So, basically, you have to pee so badly that you feel like your bladder is about to explode. Unfortunately, there is only one person in the world who can allow you to go pee. This person isn't interested in letting you go pee. So instead you just writhe and whimper and try to wait patiently so that this other person will eventually see how much pain you're in, but all the while you feel like you're about to pop. It's all you can think about. You begin to resent your pee-helper for not allowing you to go pee because it seems like it would be such an easy thing for them while reliving your extreme hurt. You seriously consider breaking the rules and asking someone else to let you go pee, but you don't because you don't want to hurt your actual pee-helper's feelings and you care about your pee-helper for other reasons. Maybe eventually your pee-helper finally lets you go pee - the experience is amazing, you're okay for a while, but then it starts over.

I could also discuss the issue of feeling unwanted, feeling undesirable, feeling "not good enough", but in terms of the way I experience sexual frustration physically - in terms of relentless physical discomfort and urgency, this is pretty close.

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womaninablackdress

I think for many people, sexual frustration would mean sexual intimacy with someone else (although I'm pretty much "self-sustainable" if you know what I mean :lol: ). I know people who can't go without sex for just under a month. Of course, I don't really think this is anything more than a mental frustration due to the need to be physically intimate with another person because let's face, for most people (regardless of gender), our best orgasms are given to us by ourselves (because who else knows how it's done the best?). Even for many women, they don't even have orgasms during sex so what "frustration" would they be talking about?

Most human beings have this need for physical contact. That's what their sexual frustration is about. I only get sexually frustrated when I have sex and don't cum. It's more upset because the guy was selfish rather than anything though.That's when I think "when I want something done well, I have to do it myself"

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Sally

For asexuals, sexual frustration is being frustrated by sexuals. :lol:

That was a joke.

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codered

If masturbation could resolve sexual frustration then there'd be no reason for all the hurt that exists in sexual/asexual relationships. Sexual frustration is a frame of mind. I could have just had an orgasm and be sexually frustrated. Why? Sexual frustration is a result of someone not being in a satisfying sexual relationship. If there was a person who didn't need sex, just the occasional "pressure release" then they would never have a problem with sexual frustration. A person could be in a healthy sexual relationship and still be sexually frustrated. Sexual frustration is a complete lack of "something" involved in sex that you need to be satisfied. For one person it could be bondage, for another it could be oral. Either way, it's simply something that one needs that they are not getting. Why is this detrimental? No you're right, it won't kill the person, but it could lead to depression and if unchecked, and the right circumstances exist, that person could commit suicide. To the asexuals here, please keep in mind that when your lover is horny and aggravating the hell out of you simply by trying to show you how much they love you, they have a need that only you can fill and if you do not, you are contributing to their depression. Not trying to get preachy cause I know it's a two way street. Just saying, keep that in mind if you value your relationship. :)

Very interesng response. I just read the reply by vast_ocean and I have to say that as an asexual who has engaged in sex, I don't think that I have ever had the emotional connection. Maybe with the connection I would understand the frustration. In the past, I viewed sex as more or less a release. I am in a relationship now but I have no desire for sex. I will masturbate on a rare whim but it's not due to sexual frustration. Sometimes I just need to release (kind of like just needing to go for a jog, to sweat a bit) OR a sleep aid! Not sure if that reads funny, but I am in a tough situation at the moment and it pretty much revolves around my partner's sexual frustration (ie my lack of interest.) I know I am contributing to the eventual depression but I also have no interest. I wish it were as easy to just say 'go touch yourself' but that can never be said or taken kindly. So I fake pleasure.

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Sally

Sexual frustration is a complete lack of "something" involved in sex that you need to be satisfied. For one person it could be bondage, for another it could be oral. Either way, it's simply something that one needs that they are not getting. Why is this detrimental? No you're right, it won't kill the person, but it could lead to depression and if unchecked, and the right circumstances exist, that person could commit suicide. To the asexuals here, please keep in mind that when your lover is horny and aggravating the hell out of you simply by trying to show you how much they love you, they have a need that only you can fill and if you do not, you are contributing to their depression. Not trying to get preachy cause I know it's a two way street. Just saying, keep that in mind if you value your relationship. :)

Just saw this as a quote in a post above and want to answer the claim, because I think it's a dangerous thing to say to asexuals. Many asexuals have written saying they feel terrible guilt because they aren't giving their partners what they need. I went through that for decades, with two different partners. We, as individual asexuals, are NOT contributing to anyone's depression. We are simply unable to be what our partners need (which is a sexual partner), just as they are basically unable to be what we need (which is an asexual partner). Just because you are lovers doesn't mean that you can fill each others' needs. If either partner doesn't get their needs filled, they need to take responsibility for figuring out (with or without their partner's discussion) how to do that. And even suggesting that a sexual person's depression due to not getting their needs filled could possibly lead to suicide is really not a good thing to do, to say the least. That's attempting to add blame for depression/possible suicide on top of the asexual partner's guilt.

We're all responsible for our own lives. Asexuals shouldn't be expected to simply be machines for the use of sexuals. Sorry to put it bluntly, but the word "suicide" is pretty blunt also.

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sexualwithasexual

Sexual frustration is a complete lack of "something" involved in sex that you need to be satisfied. For one person it could be bondage, for another it could be oral. Either way, it's simply something that one needs that they are not getting. Why is this detrimental? No you're right, it won't kill the person, but it could lead to depression and if unchecked, and the right circumstances exist, that person could commit suicide. To the asexuals here, please keep in mind that when your lover is horny and aggravating the hell out of you simply by trying to show you how much they love you, they have a need that only you can fill and if you do not, you are contributing to their depression. Not trying to get preachy cause I know it's a two way street. Just saying, keep that in mind if you value your relationship. :)

Just saw this as a quote in a post above and want to answer the claim, because I think it's a dangerous thing to say to asexuals. Many asexuals have written saying they feel terrible guilt because they aren't giving their partners what they need. I went through that for decades, with two different partners. We, as individual asexuals, are NOT contributing to anyone's depression. We are simply unable to be what our partners need (which is a sexual partner), just as they are basically unable to be what we need (which is an asexual partner). Just because you are lovers doesn't mean that you can fill each others' needs. If either partner doesn't get their needs filled, they need to take responsibility for figuring out (with or without their partner's discussion) how to do that. And even suggesting that a sexual person's depression due to not getting their needs filled could possibly lead to suicide is really not a good thing to do, to say the least. That's attempting to add blame for depression/possible suicide on top of the asexual partner's guilt.

We're all responsible for our own lives. Asexuals shouldn't be expected to simply be machines for the use of sexuals. Sorry to put it bluntly, but the word "suicide" is pretty blunt also.

I think this is a very good thing to point out. A lack of sex in someone's life may lead to depression. It's the situation that causes the depression. In other words, no one's at fault. Getting over guilt is so important for both sexuals and asexuals. In my relationship, the asexual has the larger load of guilt feelings for the most part. Unless if you count my guilt feelings now, for putting my asexual through so much "frustration with sexuals" :lol: And Sally, I think it's funny, but apt!

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RobotFish

Here is my two cents, (Hi, i'm new by the way..)

Sexual fulfillment is an important part of life for a sexual, there is a desire like hunger inside, but going without sex can be a debilitating experience.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not "Collapse, and die", debilitating, but the feeling that no one finds you sexually appealing, that no one desires you or finds you attractive, and that you have this unfulfilled physical longing inside of you...

It's a deeply depressing experience for sexual people, and can be tied up intricately with depression and self-image issues, no one shows interest in you intimately, so you get depressed because you're alone, it's all tied together, and sex can be a big part of that.

Being desired sexually is tied (for many Sexuals, i'm speaking in general terms from MY experience here, and there are gradients here obviously), often with how you see yourself. Feeling attractive and desired and loved are all very important, and not having that physical connection, or knowing that you can inspire that kind of feeling in another human can be EMOTIONALLY crippling.

By extension, the depression and emotional pain can turn into physical pain, as your mindset and your body are all tied together. You're depressed because you're alone and no one desires you or wants to be intimate with you, so you lay in bed feeling bad, you start not taking care of yourself (with really bad depression), and that makes people not want you even more, so depression gets worse, and it's a cycle, you're depressed because you're alone, and you don't look for opportunities to not be alone because you're so depressed.

Eventually, you're alone and depressed enough, it can lead to suicide or just dying from the stress of living. So it's not SEX alone that's missing, it's the entire intimacy situation that is usually missing, and being full of unfulfilled want and desire and longing can be a crushing and sickening experience.

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sindi

I believe it would relieve some of that tension, but not in the way that they want. Sexual urges are intertwined with sexual attraction to others for them. Remember the hunger metaphors: hunger vs hungry for ____ (insert food of choice).

I hadn't heard that before, and I think that's a very good metaphor :blink: (not that I would know what sexual desire is like, though). When I think about this hunger-metaphor... sometimes I want to eat something sweet extremely badly! If nothing sweet is available, I try to ease my sugar-hunger by eating something else - like lots and lots of bread. It might help a little, but after a short while I feel the horrible need to get something sweet again - and that need never actually disappeared, it just decreased to a bearable level for a while. Maybe eating bread instead of candy (at least in my case) is quite similar as masturbating is for a sexually frustrated person who desires real sex?

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gray-a girl

If masturbation could resolve sexual frustration then there'd be no reason for all the hurt that exists in sexual/asexual relationships. Sexual frustration is a frame of mind. I could have just had an orgasm and be sexually frustrated. Why? Sexual frustration is a result of someone not being in a satisfying sexual relationship. If there was a person who didn't need sex, just the occasional "pressure release" then they would never have a problem with sexual frustration. A person could be in a healthy sexual relationship and still be sexually frustrated. Sexual frustration is a complete lack of "something" involved in sex that you need to be satisfied. For one person it could be bondage, for another it could be oral. Either way, it's simply something that one needs that they are not getting. Why is this detrimental? No you're right, it won't kill the person, but it could lead to depression and if unchecked, and the right circumstances exist, that person could commit suicide. To the asexuals here, please keep in mind that when your lover is horny and aggravating the hell out of you simply by trying to show you how much they love you, they have a need that only you can fill and if you do not, you are contributing to their depression. Not trying to get preachy cause I know it's a two way street. Just saying, keep that in mind if you value your relationship. :)

Wow, SERIOUSLY? A person could get depressed over it? I find that a bit hard to believe! Suicidal seems even more difficult to believe!

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Olivier

Wow, SERIOUSLY? A person could get depressed over it? I find that a bit hard to believe! Suicidal seems even more difficult to believe!

Ummm, yeah.

Various sex-related issues, including a considerable build-up of sexual frustration, has in the past led me to clinical depression, or very close to it. Now that I'm better, it seems odd even to me that dysfunction in just one part of a relationship could so completely overwhelm the other, larger, functional parts, but that's the thing with depression: it seriously screws with your sense of perspective. I'm not particularly prone to suicidal thoughts, but at my worst I did at least list it in an abstract, non-serious way as one possible way out of a seemingly unsolvable situation.

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Fricai

in a late response:

I doubt if understanding, as we often think of it, is possible. Most asexuals can understand that sexuals want this or that in the sense that they know that sexuals want etc. (because sexuals and the world tell us that), but you can't truly understand something unless you feel it.

I agree that full understanding is probably impossible. But I think we can understand the concept and it's consequences better by using simple analogies.

In my case, I imagine sex in a relationship for sexuals is like what non-sexual physical intimacy in relationships is for me. Though I can never explain why, I absolutely need it; there's just some inherent desire for it. I especially desire it when I'm attracted to someone. It seems the act of love. Though it can also be something you just feel you need. (as in, it wouldn't really matter with who, if only you'd get a hug right now) A relationship doesn't seem complete without, I'm not sure if I'd try a relationship if I knew I wouldn't get it.

See the almost perfect comparison? :P For me it helps to think normal about sexuals and their desires. It stays difficult though, for them it's inherently logical, for me it's gross... well. :)

(not implying anything about asexuals and how they generally feel about intimacy etc. it's just an example of what works for me as analogy)

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Sassafras

Some really good points, opinions and personal experiences there. I have nothing really to add apart from the fact id like to correct the info in the opening post:

This comes from a statistical fact that a person can survive without food for a total of six months before their condition deteriorates completely (people can only go without water for one month, but if they drink water without eating food, they last for six months).

The actual time a healthy human can survive without food (in favourable conditions) is approximately 4-5 weeks.

The actual time a healthy human can survive without water (in favourable conditions) is approximately 3-5 days.

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sonofzeal
The actual time a healthy human can survive without food (in favourable conditions) is approximately 4-5 weeks.

The actual time a healthy human can survive without water (in favourable conditions) is approximately 3-5 days.

Unless your name is Prahlad Jani, in which case you can go at least 10 days without water, and not suffer any apparent negative side effects. He claims not to have had any food or water in 70 years, but at very least he can double or triple the normal human limit.

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