Olivier Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 I am happier now that the last few months she has accepted that it is alright for me to desire her even right afterward. That's great news. True mutual acceptance is the only way forward, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted December 1, 2009 Author Share Posted December 1, 2009 Others have said to us that we have a unique, extra special kind of connection with each other. Many people don't think we are partners at first, but when they learn that we are, they are kind of amazed. We don't act like a couple, but as two individuals who very much delight in each other company and clearly light up when in each others presence. I like that :) And if I may take a stab at the question you asked Galen. For me the need to be desired is not strictly sexual, but the absence of sexual desire causes me to doubt the rest. I could not desire someone as fully as I wish to be desired without sex being part of that. I know it's useless to project that onto others, especially others who you know have a different view of these things, but still, there's a nagging sense that if I'm not sexually desired, it's because somehow the desire is missing from the relationship, not that the sex is missing from the desire. I know that's not true, but I feel it in my lizard brain. Hmmm so you're saying for you it's the desire, on all possible levels, but necessarily the sex? Yes, I do believe that most all people want to be wanted, and that the sexuals want to be desired sexually also. I am happier now that the last few months she has accepted that it is alright for me to desire her even right afterward. I try to downplay it most often, but she knows that I do. She does think I am upset at her if I give her too much space, I believe she needs me to desire her, even though she doesn't really have those feelings for me very often. I could not see having a long term relationship just based on emotion. I take great pride in her intelligence and accomplishments just as I do our childrens. We compliment each other in our abilities. I have a few friends that have not stayed in great sexual relationships because there was too great a difference in the cognitive. I believe most people desire the cognitive over the emotional. The problem I see is that the same cognitive people are going to also desire a mutually bonding experience sexually and not be very satisfied with a live doll. Glad that you and your wife are moving forward. Now, you said that cognitive people will also desire a mutual sexual bonding experience and wouldn't be satisfied with a live doll...I got a little confused, lol, could you help me out please? Well, on top of the fact that I'm asexual, I'm not very emotional either. Not very cuddly or in need of hugs and kisses; nor do I like handing them out very much. I just really don't know what to do or say...I feel like I should probably tell my boyfriend something soon...that now I have a title and an explanation for me being the way I am. But I really don't know if I can properly explain it all and I know he won't just want to leave. I'm not sure how we can talk about it properly, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 And if I may take a stab at the question you asked Galen. For me the need to be desired is not strictly sexual, but the absence of sexual desire causes me to doubt the rest. I could not desire someone as fully as I wish to be desired without sex being part of that. I know it's useless to project that onto others, especially others who you know have a different view of these things, but still, there's a nagging sense that if I'm not sexually desired, it's because somehow the desire is missing from the relationship, not that the sex is missing from the desire. I know that's not true, but I feel it in my lizard brain. Hmmm so you're saying for you it's the desire, on all possible levels, but necessarily the sex? I'm just saying that no matter how much I intellectually understand that my wife desires me on all the levels that matter to her, I can not simply ignore her lack of sexual desire, because that matters to me. So there's a conflict between my understanding, and my nature. Wanting to be sexually desired is something that just seems bundled with my orientation, and I can, and do, rationalise that I am desired as a companion, as a confidant, as a partner in life, as a sharer of successes. So I feel desired, but there's this core little voice that says "but if she really loved me..." which I have to consciously ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted December 2, 2009 Author Share Posted December 2, 2009 Ohhh, ok, I see what you mean Link to post Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 For me the need to be desired is not strictly sexual, but the absence of sexual desire causes me to doubt the rest. I could not desire someone as fully as I wish to be desired without sex being part of that. I know it's useless to project that onto others, especially others who you know have a different view of these things, but still, there's a nagging sense that if I'm not sexually desired, it's because somehow the desire is missing from the relationship, not that the sex is missing from the desire. I know that's not true, but I feel it in my lizard brain. Hmmm so you're saying for you it's the desire, on all possible levels, but necessarily the sex? I'm just saying that no matter how much I intellectually understand that my wife desires me on all the levels that matter to her, I can not simply ignore her lack of sexual desire, because that matters to me. So there's a conflict between my understanding, and my nature. Wanting to be sexually desired is something that just seems bundled with my orientation, and I can, and do, rationalise that I am desired as a companion, as a confidant, as a partner in life, as a sharer of successes. So I feel desired, but there's this core little voice that says "but if she really loved me..." which I have to consciously ignore. Ditto! Wow. I agree. With every word. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Olivier has, as usual, explained the problem succinctly and precisely: sexuals want to be desired. I'm afraid it's a problem that won't go away between sexuals and asexuals. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted December 2, 2009 Author Share Posted December 2, 2009 Yeah but part of the solution is identifying the problem ;) Link to post Share on other sites
Galen Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 What I meant by "live doll" is having sex with someone that isn't into it, not mutual, participating actively, basically not desiring you back. Just a feeling that a less cognitive person may just not care and have fun anyway... a very general statement. Seems Oliver is able to once again translate for all of us. :) We understand what is going on and are happier for it, but our subconscious sees the truth of the situation no matter how much we tell ourselves it is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Yeah but part of the solution is identifying the problem ;) Not really, if there is no solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Yeah but part of the solution is identifying the problem ;) Not really, if there is no solution. If there is no solution on the "sex" level, then... Acceptance of that is a solution on the "happiness/general sanity" level, which means... Identifying the problem on the "sex" level is part of the solution on the "happiness/general sanity" level. I think. :P Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted December 2, 2009 Author Share Posted December 2, 2009 So Sally, are you saying that all asxeuals should just stay to themselves and leave sexuals be? Link to post Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 So Sally, are you saying that all asxeuals should just stay to themselves and leave sexuals be? Can I answer from my perspective? First, Sally's right. There IS a problem. But all relationships have problems. I tell myself this when I watch couples (whom I usually assume have sexual desire for each other), disagree on just so many things and bicker, even in front of me. Secondly, I do think that if I knew from the start about my partner (if we both knew, as she didn't really understand either), I would have had an easier time. I also think we still would have gotten together and stayed. And maybe even have considered ourselves lovers/partners. But I would not have had years of building up expectations and desires that I'm now unwinding as she's unwinding her own guilt and feelings of unworthiness. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. Like right now I'm seriously thinking of moving on from my current job. It struck me today that while it will be hard for my boss, there won't be emotional complications (or not much). I realized that's because of the way jobs are set up. Even though we spend so much time there, we don't get emotionally involved, and we don't expect sex! Anyway, food for thought for me for shifting the way I experience "relationship". Link to post Share on other sites
Galen Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 When we started some group counciling last year my wife always goes into them thinking they will change me. She even wrote that or told me.... well the first couple weeks it was plainly stated that it is not about changing your partner but accepting or I guess moving on. Really we mainly worked on how to communicate without blame or accusations. But, the same is for sex I believe, were not going to be able to change each other, for almost 20 years I tried to change both my expectations and her willingness, thinking I just wasn't doing it right, so I would try harder which probably made it worse for her. Now knowing what is going on from AVEN, I can now work on accepting our relationship for what it is instead of what I envisioned it should be. Now I have a new vision, though not what I originally desired it still is pretty good. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 Right; solutions aren't necessarily getting rid of a problem, but dealing with them in the best way for everyone. So counseling is a suggestion...? Link to post Share on other sites
Galen Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I haven't found it to help. I went to a therapist latter that day I believe, it had been about 2months. I don't know how qualified he is, basically a free one thru our health care. Well, I told him about how I was doing better because I believe she is asexual. He just didn't get it, wanted to tell me sex would be more frequent with a better relationship etc..., I didn't push it I was in a very good place mentally and changed the subject after a few attempts. The appointment was made 5 weeks earlier or so, not easy to know how you will be the day of the appointment or why you made it. I am feeling good now, but probably should make another, the holidays are going to be rough if my wife is not happy about my daughter coming over. Not that he does any good, I really should work to find another that I feel is more qualified. If you find a good couples counseler then prehaps he/she can translate between the two of you if you are having trouble doing so now. For me the couples group counseling seemed to be the only couples time we spent together since most all her other time is dedicated to other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.