I'm sexual but I think my girlfriend is Asexual

[ConfusedGuy]

I just started to read up on asexuality today so please bare with me. I'm a sexual person who has feelings both sexual and emotional for a girl. I asked out a girl a few months ago who I care about deeply. We have a lot in common and make each other happy. After I asked her out I made the advances sexually as far as hugging and kissing. Well I noticed that my girlfriend is okay with hugging me but when it comes to kissing it becomes awkward. I figured that she was just shy and inexperienced since she has only dated like one or two other people aside from me and we are in our 20's. However she said she isn't a touchy feely person and only started to be ok with hugs recently.

I told her if anything was wrong for her to tell me and she finally told me tonight that she doesn't feel turned on by me but she likes me. She said that the reason she agreed to date me was because I'm a nice person but doesn't feel any romantic/sexual attraction. She said that her sister was joking around by saying that she might be asexual and now my girlfriend thinks there might be some truth to that. She said that she never felt aroused aside for one brief time in her life and she hasn't been attracted sexually/physically to any man or woman. That includes like movie stars and models. After she told me this I tried to hold her hand, stroke her arm, massage her, etc to see if she would feel anything and she didn't feel anything.

I had no clue that people that are asexual existed until coming here tonight and I think that I might have ruined our relationship in the process of my lack of knowledge. I told her I would keep trying to turn her. She sort said that if she didn't get attracted sexually to me that she would be ok being alone. I feel so horrible that I might have been hurting her by trying to make her aroused when she might not ever be aroused. I care about her so much and I haven't felt such a strong mental connection with anyone else. I really don't want to lose her as my girlfriend and after sitting down reading a little bit about asexuality I think I could be ok with the fact that she doesn't feel romance the same way as I do.

I was wondering any asexual people can give me some advice on handling my situation of a relationship? Also if there are some other sexual people dating asexual people can you give me some advice or tips because I really want to still be together with her and help her through understanding her asexuality.

[Galen]

Since many asexuals are different you probably did not harm her by rubbing her arm etc.. many it seems here enjoy physical closeness and even snuggles etc...

As a Sexual male I find it difficult living with an asexual. At least we do average once a month, and she does enjoy cuddling etc.. if I have not upset her for other reasons. But we have been married 20years and I am just now understanding why our relationship has been so difficult, not knowing about asexuality before.

It will all come down to if you can handle being celibate or nearly celibate with her, and how she feels about sex. I know I was still celibate at 25, but once I was married I did not continue to plan on being. So it may seem easy on you now, but there may be future regrets.

Best wishes to both of you.

[ConfusedGuy]

Since many asexuals are different you probably did not harm her by rubbing her arm etc.. many it seems here enjoy physical closeness and even snuggles etc...

As a Sexual male I find it difficult living with an asexual. At least we do average once a month, and she does enjoy cuddling etc.. if I have not upset her for other reasons. But we have been married 20years and I am just now understanding why our relationship has been so difficult, not knowing about asexuality before.

It will all come down to if you can handle being celibate or nearly celibate with her, and how she feels about sex. I know I was still celibate at 25, but once I was married I did not continue to plan on being. So it may seem easy on you now, but there may be future regrets.

Best wishes to both of you.

I think I could be ok being still being celibate or nearly celibate if she wants kids. I haven't brought up the topic of sex with her but I doubt she would want to have sex since she also never had the urge to pleasure herself down there. I'm really starting to think she is asexual now too. I just hope she's still willing to be my girlfriend if she feels/understands she is asexual.

[sonofzeal]

CGuy,

It is not wise to automatically assume that this girl is asexual just because she says so. There are other possibilities that you have not considered:

1) she could be sexual but just does not feel sexually attracted to you.

She may be embarrassed and uneasy telling you that because she does not want to offend you. So, it is slightly less offensive if she makes it seem like she is saying: " It is not you. It is me. " Telling you that she might be asexual could be a little white lie and I do not see anything wrong with her telling it.

I went on a couple of dates with a girl that I thought was ugly. She asked me out. I told a white lie to break it off soon. I told her that my heart was still healing from a recent break-up but the truth was that I thought she was ugly. For the life of me, if I was forced to have sex with her or if I was forced to marry her, I hardly think I would be able to get it up.

I am not saying you are ugly. I am just saying that she may not feel any lustful passion for you.

2) whatever her orientation, she may want to reserve sex for marriage or for when she is a little older. She may be old-fashioned too.

It seems to be common practice in Western culture to have lots of sex before marriage. In our modern culture, pre-marital sex is considered normal and old-fashioned people are considered abnormal or weird. You two are not married and yet you want to have sex. Maybe she is not comfortable with that yet and tells you the same white lie as up above to keep a slight distance from you.

Underlying your entire post is the assumption that pre-marital sex with a girl-friend is standard or just as acceptable as hugging or kissing -- it is nothing of the sort.

So, it just may be that she is uncomfortable with pre-marital sex right now.

I highly disagree.

First, she would know better than anyone what her orientation is. Unless you have a serious reason to doubt her, it's better to believe her. Second, while it's always possible that she means something else, acting with that in mind will mean expectations for the future that may never get fulfilled, and would also signify a significant lack of trust, which is harmful to any relationship.

ConfusedGuy - Ask yourself how important sexual intercourse is to you. Can you find other ways to express and receive affection? Is your libido high enough that sex with another person is a necessity? What sort of contact short of full intercourse would be enough to satisfy your physical and emotional needs in the long term? Cuddles, first base, second base, third base? What frequency would you need that partnered contact before it starts becoming a real issue for you?

Eventually you'll want to find out if she can match whatever level fits you. Maybe she can match what you need without issue, maybe you'll both need to compromise, maybe it just won't work at all.

When you think you're close enough to have that conversation, have it.

[Axalotl]

She said that the reason she agreed to date me was because I'm a nice person but doesn't feel any romantic/sexual attraction

Are these her exact words? One of the things I have noticed is that sexuals tend to equate, or at least associate romantic attraction with sexual attraction. Asexuals see these as completely seperate, and that one can love without desiring sex. If these are her words, it might pay to check that this is what she means.

It is dificult to explain the seperation of the two to a sexual, because romantic attraction is more than just emotional (IMO at least) and there is some "extra attraction". But I think you are well placed to understand this, as it sounds a lot like the connection you describe when you say:

I care about her so much and I haven't felt such a strong mental connection with anyone else.

I would advise you to help her discover herself, discussing issues if she wants. If she is asexual, it is worth questioning if she is also aromantic, and try to discover what attraction there is between you (in both directions), then base your relationship on that.