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Sex:my guilty pleasure(big read, but I think it'll be intresting)


affinsaff

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Ok, what I basically want to get said here is that I'm a heterosexual male with what I believe a total or very high understanding of asexuality as a orientation.

So, I for one have always known about asexuality. Well, I say always, what I mean is since about yeat 7 (since I was 11), when I learnt that plants could reproduce asexualy, I some how identified that as an orientation and related that to humans. I remember thinking to myself that if a bisexual person was 'bi' would an asexual person be 'a' since i was quite young. It was only since about a year ago I decided to look into it on the internet (mainly due to my own situation, but I'll get to that soon enough) and I found was I was looking for, basically asexual people. It seemed obvious that they'd be around some where. The only thing that supprised me was. How many asexuals there actually are. I had always assumed that there would be an extreamly small amount, say only a few million, but none the less I know there where some. Another thing that suprised my was the amount of people who where releaved at finding out they where asexual instead of being 'broken' or 'wierd'. You search in asexuality on youtube, look at any videos comments and you'll find someone expressing there relief to find they are a perfectly nromal person. Still, after finding out how many asexual people there are, I believe I'll never actually stumble across one by change, not like you may do another minirity orientations, which i really do find upsetting. I would love to meet an asexual, just for the shear satasfaction of being able to talk to them about sexuality, and to possibly give them the relife of talking to someone who understands fully how they feel towards it. Anyway, thats my asexual background done, now for my disposition of the matter.

Basically, I'm sexual, always have been, and unless something drasting occures, always will be. I get turned on by what ever the next sexual is turned on by (maybe even more so, me being the fetish monger I am). But the strange thing is, I have a kind of resentment towards sex. It's not a disgust, or a boredom, but just a... I guess a kind of desire to repel sexuality. I beleive I become emotionally satisfyed with rejecting sexuality, kind of like a feeling of superiority over other people who have a fair bit of there lives revolving around sex. Since as far as I can remember, I have always though to myself... it's hard to explain, but its like 'that couple over there look happy together, being able to physically indulge themselves for pleasure and emotical satisfaction, but thats not for me, I'll just be myself, and that will do me fine'. I've always felt kind of like, me not wanting or needing someone to be with sexually or otherwise makes me free from so many of the troubles that haunt other people through out there adult lives. Also, I think I like the innocence on not being nearly as sexually alined as everyone else (what I mean by this is, not activly planning to be with someone sexually) and as of yet not even ever kissing someone thus far (I'm 18 btw). I felt kind of happy with myself when I read in the Hellsing manga that people who have had sex become mindless ghoels, while virgins become actual vampires. I was like 'yeah, it's a good thing on my part I've kept my innocence about me'. One final thing is, I've always looked at 'couples' since all the boys where discovering girls and all the girls discovering boys aroung about year 6 (in school that is) and always though whats the point of going out with each other only to break up with them less than a week later, of which still occures even now in university. But I've learned that that is a normal learning curve for people to understand and master through out there lives. For this reason, the pointless forming of relationships (if you can call them that) has made me further resent the sexuality, because to me it seems like taking the emphisis out of something that people see as such a great way to express there love for each other. Now I'm getting older, friends of about my age who tell me of there 'first times' (that is, there first intermate experiances with someone they find attrective), and all I can feel is why did they have to ruin there innocence. I've known them since they where little and concerned with things that only kids are conserned with, but now there intrested in something else compleatly diffrent. By the way, don't take this the wrong way, I done think they become some kind of hellspawn or heretical sinner (I'm not religious) just for following natural urges, I just mean they have lost the kind of innocence you only have before you get involved with all the sexualness of the adult world. It's saddening, but probally ultimatly a inevitability, and one for the best.

I don't know, it just feels like whats the point in getting all close to someone you don't even really care for, I know most do it for fun and enjoyment, but you can get fun and enjoyment from your actual friends, who your actually close to. For this reason, I think it is why I have fond of the idea of the traditinal christian take of sex. Only having sex till you get married with someone your compleatly and uterly happy with, only maybe not marriage, maybe just a realisation that you've found a person who you will love for the rest of your life. Basically not having sex till you found the right person, effectivly only ever having sex with one person. This to me is a perfect idea of a relationship, and I hope that something like this will beable to happen to me. But this is what I mean about rejecting sexuality and sex. I feel now, even if this where to happen, I find someone perfect and after several years of thinging it through and ensuring that there is a mutal feeling of love between one another and am happy to sleep with them, I have this drive in the back of my mind saying "but you could always just NOT have sex". This is the asexal understanding I have that I mentioned.

But here is the annoying contradiction. I am sexual, and I do have sexual urges that I do endulge. I do masterbate and it dose feel great. I mean it should and theres nothign wrong with it, but for me, it's an annoying and frustrating contradiction. Every time after I masterbate, after the initial rush of uthoria (for asexual readers, basically just about a 10 second feeling I get that everything is great with the world, just after the pleasure of the orgasim), I always feel sexually and slightly emotinally dull, like I have no drive to ride on (its like your able to use sexual drive to give you something to look forward to). This is good in the way I no longer have a libido so I kind of get that feeling of mental balance right again, but bad in the way that I feel like I've just done the thing I was looking forward to, now what? I don't know, its hard to explain.

Thats the gist of it, but still very vuage. I feel like I'm looking for answers to questions I don't know what to ask yet. I'd love to see what sexuals and asexuals alike think of this. One last thing, sorry for the spelling. It's been a long day, and I can't spell to well anyway.

Thank you for reading, I look forward to hearing your thoughs on the matter :)

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You say you're not against sex, per se, but your equating sexual experience with a loss of "innocence" indicates you view sex with a certain negativity.

Innocence is in how you view and interact with the world, not in whether you have or haven't made love.

P.

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You say you're not against sex, per se, but your equating sexual experience with a loss of "innocence" indicates you view sex with a certain negativity.

Innocence is in how you view and interact with the world, not in whether you have or haven't made love.

P.

What I have said is a vague illustration of how I feel, and there are things I have missed out or explained incorrectly. I do point out that I feel for other people when they start getting more involved with sexuality it is probally a good thing a good thing, but I do feel upset by it. I guess I'd say it all depends on alot of diffrent things.

Also, maybe innocence is a the wrong word to use in some of the cases I used it for. I'd say, theres a diffrence between making love and having sex, and having sex is the lose of innocence. And besides, innocence must die for something else at some point or another.

Anyway, thank you for the post, I like what you said.

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