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Hi, I've just discovered this thing from a press release recently in the Independent (in England). I've had a feeling that there is somthing different, or just maybe strange about be for a while now, as I never seem to have had the same sorts of feelings as friends to be considered "normal". There have only been 2 guys that I've been attracted to REALLY enough to want a relationship, and a few "crushes" as you say. I dont know, it just seems like "sexual" people have these sorts of feeling more often than me. Maybe I just havnt found the right person, but I know that I can feel that "chemistry" type attraction to people.

Anyway, this is irrelivant. I'm confused as to whether there is a possibility that I'm asexual or if I'm just scared of being in a sexual relationship or if the two things are the same (I've read a few posts, and this has come up a lot I know, but not so relevant to my current situation). I'm 21 and have been in a relationship with my b/f for almost 3 months. This is the longest relationship so far that I've been in, as I've been out with very few guys, as its so rare that I'm actually attracted to someone that is to me. I find my b/f very attractive, we have undergone "sexual relations" - and I am highly turned on by him. We havnt however had full sex, this being because of me. Its somthing I think that I want to do, but when it comes down to it I always seem to back off at the last minute.

I'm in two minds as to whether this is because I subconciously dont want to have sex with him and am just putting it off until he gets fed up, or if I'm just scared of it happening - scared of it huting, scared of him leaving me, scared of what he might think if I'm rubbish or that he'll laugh at me, plus the fact that I'm naturally a very shy person and find it hard to talk about my feelings anyway. Actually, the more I think about it, I think this might be the reason. However, theres just this nagging voice in the back of my head that says would you really be so unhappy if you didnt do it? Would you really be that unhappy if you lost him? The answer are no to the former, but yes to the latter. Maybe its a case of you cant miss somthing youve never had, which he seems to find hard to understand, although hes being so very patient and understanding which I'm greatful for, as I feel I need the time to sort my head out!

Wow, this is the first time this has all come out for me!

The thought of having full sex with his fills me with dread, but I think that maybe because I'm so scared of it, and not becasue I'm not attracted to him and dont want to do it but because I never have before its not somthing that I can miss if I dont have it, so to speak.

Does this require an answer?! Oh, I dont know what I'm thinking. I think I'm just scared of having sex. But then I dont really want to. I mean, I do. But I dont. I wonder if it would bother me if I never did it. But I think it would. But coz I've never done it, it doesnt really that much. Oh god, I really dont know.

I think I'm just scared. I think I'm just extremely shy and am just needing more time than "most" to feel comfotable enough to have sex. Appart from the nagging voice saying it wont bother me if I dont. Or is that just coz I cant miss what I've never had?

I'm not sure I'm making sense, I think I just need somewhere to vent my feelings as I've not spoken about them before and its probably come accross as very mixed up, but I'd appriciate any views, although seeing it in writting now makes me think that I am just scared. But hey, I could be wrong!

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Welcome to Aven, Dolly!!

Dolly, don't do anything you do not feel comfortable with. Trust your instinct is my advice to you. If you feel strongly that something feels wrong, go with it.

I am sure that you and your boyfriend can have a relationship without you feeling fearful or stressed.

Good luck

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From what you've said it sounds to me like you are just scared that having sex would either make you lose your boyfriend or have a negative impact on your relationship. If you haven't already talked with him about it then you probably should since he sounds like a pretty understanding guy. It's obviously natural to feel nervous but you shouldn't do anything that you're not comfortable with, and only time can tell whether you will be more comfortable with it in the future.

Best of luck!

Oh, and welcome to AVEN! :D

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Kensington is right. If you believe that sexual contact will mar your relationship, turn it into something you don't want it to be, then don't have any.

Express your feelings to this sigoth honestly.

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Live R Perfect

Yes yes, I agree with them *points to other posts*

If you're not sure about this then you shouldn't rush into it. Don't allow yourself to feel pressured into something you're not sure about. If / when you are ready to have sex you will be more certain about it, in my opinion. :wink:

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Hi Dolly

I agree with everyone else, don't do anything you feel uncomfortable about. Just because you are over 16 doesn't mean you are ready to have sex, and just because you've been with your boyfriend for 3 months doesn't mean you are ready for it either. If you are naturally a shy and cautious person (or even if you're not), it might take you longer than 3 months to get to know somebody well enough to have sex. Don't be pressured, and equally importantly, don't put pressure on yourself. When and if you're comfortable with having sex, I think you will know, even if you do feel a bit nervous, that it's the right time.

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hi all!

Thank you sooo sooo much for the replies so quickly! I've honestly felt so much better about things this weekend havig spilt my guts. I somehow feel you understand me more than my friends I have spoken too. I think I've been feeling under pressure to do somthing that I need more time to get used to without even realising it. Not so much pressure from my b/f (even though he always says he cant wait to sleep with me but when I'm ready) but from friends who keep asking if I've done it yet! I think I've felt in the past that there was somthing wrong with me because I dont like to go rushing into relationships and I normally end up getting dumped after 2 weeks if I havnt slept with them, and my current b/f has thrown me off track a bit by being so understanding and not pushing me. The last couple of weeks have felt different between us because I've been so mixed up, and as a result I began to think maybe I wasnt really sexually attracted to him, But now I'm sure its just coz I feeling so much pressure when I know that I need more time. When I'm with him, I know that I want to have sex and I know that I want it to be with him, I just need more time.

Thank you so much again! I didnt realise how much pressure I was feeling coz I thought there was somthing wrong with me coz all my friends go rushing into things. I just need more time and there shouldnt be anything wrong with that.

I hope no one minds if I stick around, even though I've decided this! I just feel I can relate more to this way of thinking on some accounts than I can to my friends, who havnt really helped me at all!

Dolly xxx

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Everyone (I've talked to) is very friendly here. They also think before they type, which may be why they all make so much sense. Not me though, I just type whatever comes to mind unless its a serious thread :P

Welcome indecisior

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