Jump to content

WOW! So She's Asexual.


InertiaCreeps

Recommended Posts

InertiaCreeps

Sorry this is a long spill my guts kind of post, here it goes...

I have read posts and stories here for the past few months and finally registered. I want to thank all of the asexual members who openly post here. The sharing of your feelings and thoughts are priceless to me. I can finally start to understand my 14 year marriage.

Our sex life has never been “normal”. A sexless marriage is a marriage where the couple has sex 10 or less times per year. Basically my entire marriage has been sexless or just above, if we were trying to conceive.

My wife wrote me this letter 10 years ago, no she never went back to the doctor and the situation has never changed. She has no idea about asexuality and I’m not sure how to present it to her. I would like to ask if the asexuals on this board can relate to this letter and how they felt before they new of asexuality.

*** I REMOVED THE LETTER ***

She is grossed out by even soft porn. I tried getting her to watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which is rated R, but shows naked people, sex toys, people having sex (no penetration but acting as though they are having sex). She got up completely disgusted left the room and went to bed.

No sex on wedding night. We’ve never had wild sex. We never had sex more than four times in a month, and that was when we trying to get pregnant. She’s never ripped my clothes off, needing to scratch the itch… NEVER.

During one of our recent “talks” I again asked about her use of her vibrator. BTW, I had to buy it. She would never have asked for one or mentioned one. I bought it thinking it might help her understand herself sexually. I know she uses it. The box is quite worn. Anyway, she told me she feels her vagina is private. She does not need to share anything about that area!? I could not understand this statement. I mean come on we have 4 children. I’ve seen 4 c-sections done on her. I’ve seen her insides… outside, and her vagina is private. I could not understand. Then I read the FAQ about asexual masturbation on the front page and her reply fits.

I also realized that during our sexual encounters which are basically the same ever time. I manually or orally bring her to orgasm, then she offers herself to me for sex. During the time she is trying to orgasm, she closes her eyes tightly and concentrates very hard. I realize after reading this that she is trying to block everything out, so to take pleasure from her body. I tried to vary the experience up once and she got very upset and said she liked it the “normal” way.

The final “AH HA!” moment for me was this scenario. We were eating dinner one night at the kitchen table. I was reading a People magazine. My daughter leaned over and pointed at a picture of Angelina Jolie and said “She is really pretty.”I replied back, “I think your mommy is much more beautiful than her.” My wife said, unbelievably “Well, thank you.” I said, “It’s true. I don’t find her attractive. I like more the curvier women like Kate Winslet in Titanic.” Then I asked her, “So what actors do you find attractive, sexy?” She paused and replied, “I don’t know… I’d have to think about it.” I thought to myself, “Sure you don’t. You just don’t want to say.”

A week went by, and one night after dinner when I was doing the dishes and she was wiping off the table, she looks at me and says. “You know you asked me what actors I find attractive/sexy?. I thought for a long time about this, and I don’t find any body sexy or attractive. I notice a good actor and I appreciate them, but I don’t look at anyone like that.” Then as an after thought she said, “Well, nobody except you.” I was stunned. I knew right then, from the reading I had done on AVEN, that she was asexual. I could not find anything to say back, because all I wanted to say was “Well dear that is because you are asexual.” She waited for me to say something, and she finally said “I take your silence as you think I’m as weird or strange as I think I am.” All I could say was, “I don’t think you are weird.”

She always focuses on the amount of sex I need to be happy. To her it’s always amounts. Because of these things I’ve listed and other. I realize, that yes she loves me as she so fervently states, but because of her sexual orientation (asexuality), she is disgusted by sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Aye, sounds like she could be Ase to me. But also, as she says, since giving birth what little drive she has has reduced more so, this is normal, and can take many months to sort itself out.

I relate to her talking about being afraid to be intimate with you in non-sexual ways. In the end I could barely even look at my ex without fear that he'd want sex. The thing is its hard for an Ase/Sexual couple when it comes to forms of intimacy - an Ase can feel intimately satisfied by cuddling, kissing or just being close (non-sexual intimacy), however for the Sexual this is where the intimacy normally starts, not ends. And yes, in the end sex does feel like an obligation. In the end it can become unbearable and cause resentment.

As for how your relationship was like "in the beginning". This happens to sexual couples too. At first you're crazy about each other and then, gradually, you calm down and the physical side cools. Some Ases have talked of a 'novelty factor' when it comes to sex. At first you can enjoy the sex, its new and different, but soon it wears off and in the end can become uncomfortable. This is where Sexual and Ase/Sexual relationships differ. Where the physical side cools in a Sexual relationship in a mixed relationship it can go all together.

As for the vagina thing....Some things people just wanna keep private. You could argue its the whole "women should be ashamed of their bits" deal. And as for porno, I know of plenty sexuals who are repulsed by it, even the soft kind, its not exclusively connected to being Ase.

She doesn't sound like she's repulsed by sex, just indifferent (from what I can tell) and sounds like she'd be willing to sort something out by way of compromise.

I think you should introduce her to AVEN, so she can have a look around and see if asexuality connects with her.

But remember, there are PLENTY more ways to be intimate and loving with one another apart from sex. You just need to discuss what you both want and are both comfortable with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to the ranks of the Sexual married to the Asexual.

I don't believe you need to press her on the matter, as long as you understand then that is enough.

My situation is slightly different but the frequency as well as the wild and anything unusual is the same. Frequency was up a little while trying to have babies, though we eventually adopted (irrelevant).

I have a read a few post as you probably have where when the asexual understands it then they want sex even less or at least are less willing to. So with me I don't press my wife to explore it further since she has no interest to, why would she want to read about anything to do with sex even this it just doesn't interest her past the oh ok.

Glad you have been able to make it work for 14 years. We are near 20 years and I still get frustrated.

Best Wishes

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Ninny. It does sound like she could be asexual, but she's the only one who can say for sure. The whole thing about wanting the cuddling and other nonsexual physical intimacy, but fear of it leading to sex is true for me, too. When I was in a relationship with a sexual woman the more sex we tried to have the more I wanted to not have it.

If you can introduce AVEN to your wife - even if it's just to read some of the bits that you find helpful/informative - that might be helpful to her. Sounds like you are both loving people who really care for each other. I hope you can help each other!

Best wishes! (and some :cake:) :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual

I'm going to weigh in here and say that even if it's difficult for your wife, AVEN is the place for her.

What struck me the most about her letter, was her pain. That's what's so crazy. All of my 14 year relationship with an asexual, I pretty much felt I was the one suffering the most. I was not getting something I wanted. I couldn't help but see it as something she got to have her way. I even wondered if she was manipulating me with sex, since she is soooo giving in all other ways, I thought, "Well, maybe this is the one area where she will just be a willful partner."

Wrong. Oh so wrong. All along, she told me she was still in love with me, as your wife has, but I never received a letter that so eloquently stated what she was going through. Especially around her pain.

It was helpful for me to read your wife's letter. I have no doubt that she's asexual, but it is a self-definition. I think AVEN would make her feel better, and that's why she should know about it. It's good to get to know ourselves and our spouses better. So I don't agree with not introducing her to AVEN in fear of missing out on sex because she's still trying. Someone mentioned that, and it's not a good idea. (that may not have been the actual intent of the comment, but that's how I read into it) I can't stand suffering, but suffering under the knowledge that there is nothing wrong with either of you, but that you and your partner just have different orientations, is much better than you knowing and her limping along in pain.

One last thought on introductions to AVEN. Tell her how learning about her possible asexuality affected you. How did it affect you, by the way? It was such a huge relief to me. I no longer had to wonder what was wrong with our relationship. I knew that we were just different in this way. It seems you two have been together a long enough time with limited sex, so there must be many reasons that keep you together outside sex. It may be hard for your wife to acknowledge, it involves some internalized asexual phobic feelings to work through, but with your love and support, I think you two will land in a better place for exploring this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't not introduced my wife to AVEN etc.., I am just not forcing her to it. She knows about it and I have talked to her about it when she was willing to talk about it. I am the one let her know she could be asexual also. I just mean she is not interested period, just as I believe sexualwithasxuals partner is not interested? She looks agrees it is possible then that is it.

The letter was beautiful, I get many letters from my wife but none that expresses the emotions expressed in that one even though reading it I was hearing my wifes voice as I read it.

I do wish my wife would read here the feelings of the sexuals other than my self who seem to share the same loss of being desired, so she may understand me better. Not that it would change anything but I would hope that her understanding it a bit would help her understand that I love her also.

Thank You for sharing that beautiful and personal letter.

Link to post
Share on other sites

An asexual woman weighing in here to say that unless an asexual partner really, definitely wants to look at AVEN -- especially this particular thread -- it's a good idea not to urge them to do so. It's probably natural for the sexual partner to feel--even though they may not even realize it--that they want their partner to "see how hard it is for me" by reading comments on AVEN. But I've read things on this thread that have really stung and hurt, and I do this deliberately and voluntarily, after a lot of preparation, in the hopes that I might add something to the conversation. What has stung has been the comments about betrayal of and lying to the sexual partner. Neither you, Galen, nor sexualwith have made those comments, but especially when sexuals realize what is going on with their partners, and their partners don't want to deal with it, there's a lot of pain and hurt and anger. Some people never move on from that anger, and it can get intense. It could definitely make a bad situation worse if the asexual were to read that at a time when they're having a hard time.

So...from an asexual's perspective who has gone through several years of trying to talk with my former partner, it could be helpful in some cases to keep the conversation between the two of you and not expand it to AVEN. This thread's really great for the sexual partners, I know.

But that's my opinion, not AVEN dictum.

Link to post
Share on other sites

At first I just skimmed the letter, and the pain shreiked out to me, as well. I can't imagine how heart-wrenching it must be to feel that broken, and to have had that doctor tell her she was defective? I hope she switched doctors fast.

I don't know how willing she is to come on AVEN, but it might help her. Hopefully it'll let her heal and feel less broken. Maybe if she feels better about herself and doesn't feel like a failure as a wife and woman, sex will be a less stressful and more enjoyable experience. The amount of pressure she's putting on herself can't be helping.

I can understand what she is saying and to an extent relate. She sounds asexual. Perhaps a bit anti-sexual as well - I'm not too sure on this, there are others members here would be far more certain due to knowledge. Still, it all depends on her... do you know if she's ever read about this?

Anti-sexual is generally against hte act of sex as a whole, and against anyone having it. Anyone. There've been a few anti-sexual sexuals (people who experience sexual attractiona nd are also against the act of sex) on AVEN, so it does happen just in case anyone thought this was an ase-only thing.

The OP's partner seems extremely pro-sexual, in the letter it sounded like she was desperately trying to become sexual and want to hve sex like she should.

Link to post
Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual

I still think learning that there is nothing wrong with you (as an asexual) by reading other's experiences is more valuable than just trying to work it out among two. (or worse, a bad Dr.!) I want my partner to be reading here because I know she is still uncomfortable seeing herself as asexual (read: broken). So much of the lesbian identity is unfortunately, based on being sexual, perhaps more than hetero, because that's how we moved from Boston Marriage or spinster identity to "Hey wait, there's nothing wrong with having woman/woman sex!!" So I think it's hard to move past that to, "I'm a lesbian, but I don't want sex either?" yet see yourself as normal and healthy. InertiaCreeps' wife felt broken as a wife and a woman. That's so awful. After reading that letter, I thought that the wincing my partner gives me when I talk AVEN, is likely from that fact that she does not want to see herself as completely asexual at this point anyway. (even though she does say it totally fits her, but yeah, like Galen said, she's kind of like, "Ya, so?") But I know she's already aware of my pain, and I don't want her to feel worse by reading here.

But I do think it must be dealt with slowly, gently and with tons of love and support for being human, making mistakes and all of that. I cringe when I read here and realize how I messed up in the past, but at least I know I'm not alone. It's amazing how identical some of our experiences around asexuality have been on AVEN, and I used to think that our "problems" must all boil down to me being unloveable and even kinda gross. But I never felt like a failed woman.

Link to post
Share on other sites
InertiaCreeps

Thank you all for your comments, they are much appreciated. I will attempt to elaborate more and answer questions presented. I also want to start by saying; I have never shared this letter with anyone until just recently. I posted it here and on another board with a sexless marriage group. It is obvious that this letter is very personal, and from her heart. It is the only time in our 14 year marriage that she really opened up about her feelings in our sexless marriage. Any other time we try to talk about it, it just becomes an irrational fight. I believe I understand now the reason we argue so tenaciously about it is because we have been speaking completely different languages.

Obviously, I love my wife with all I am. If not for this one issue, we have a story book love. My wife and I share common interests; want to do them together as a couple and as a family. We appreciate each other, we are respectful of one another and we care about each other. We share a life philosophy. But if I bring up the topic of sex, it destroys everything else. To maintain harmony I have buried my desires by always keeping myself over busy. I have been able to ignore my sexual desires to a great extent through out our marriage. Also, like most sexuals married to an asexual, I have blamed myself as well up until this year. This year I finally realized that I was OK. This is not my fault. I am desirable, I am a good husband, I am a good father and I am not a pervert for wanting to have sex with my wife on a regular basis. Yes like so many others, I have fought with my self esteem because of this.

We have 4 children, and she is a wonderful mother. She stays at home and has for the last 10 years. To become pregnant she would track her ovulation cycles using charts. Then when the time was optimal she would tell me it was time to have sex. During one of our last “talks” I brought up that this bothered me. She was aghast, and said that “lots of people do that”. I asked her to name one that we knew.

Ninny, thank you so much for your insight. I hope we as an asex/sex couple, have not come to the point where for her sex is unbearable and only causes resentment, but I’m afraid it might be close.

We “talked” about amounts for a compromise. I said once a week, she said once a month, so she said exacerbated what does that mean then, every 20 days!? She is a big believer that everything should just work out and if it doesn’t then it’s just not meant to be. She was the first one to bring up separation during one of our “talks”

I want to introduce her to AVEN. I think she deserves and needs to know that she is not alone. She has told me she is not broken and several people feel about sex like she does, but I don’t think she really believes it. I mentioned asexuality to her once, but it was not the best time to do so. It was during a “talk” and I said, “I just don’t understand maybe your asexual”. I had just learned of the term, and was not sure what asexuality was. Being a sexual person it has taken some time to wrap my brain around how we view, think and feel differently, but I am trying my best to understand.

Sally, it’s like what you said, I think she just wants all of this to go away. She does not want to deal with it. I’m afraid that me introducing her to AVEN will be viewed as me trying to “fix/diagnosis” her, which is not my intention. I have come to understand by reading several of the wonderful posts on here that asexuality is an orientation, no different than homosexuality. It is just how she is wired.

I don’t know where we go from here. I don’t think I can just go back to burying my needs/desire anymore. I think about it all constantly, which I must say is not healthy. I’m stuck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome...telling people they're asexual tends to not go over too well. If the person you're telling doesn't know much about asexuality, or sees it as a negative thing (I did, before I learned more), they'll just deny being asexual and you're back and square one. If you can bring up the topic without sounding like you're foisting an identity onto her, that could open up some communication. I think that wanting your wife to know she's not alone is a very nice thing, and as long as that's what you convey, she might be more open to talking about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're probably right; she does want this to go away. Who wouldn't? We want anything to go away that is painful to us.

Regarding trying to get her to look at AVEN, look at it this way. You feel better about yourself now, because you know that nothing's "wrong" with you. It's a good feeling, and now you want to help your wife because you love her and don't want her unhappy, and also so you can have a more normal sexual relationship with her. But when you look around on AVEN, you don't just hit on the parts that will make you feel better. Some AVEN members don't feel better when they discover or decide they are asexual. It can be pretty depressing. I felt both relieved and depressed, because I knew that it wasn't that I was doing things wrong, but also that this pretty well confirmed my feeling that not only would my relationship break apart (and it did), I probably wouldn't find another one. Since your wife is in a relationship with you, reading about many other asexual people--and sexual people who are unhappy in their relationships because of lack of sex--may just really pile on.

The other thing is that when I said you feel better about yourself, that might be true, but I wonder if you're actually feeling worse about the relationship. As in, "OK, she's asexual, so we've got to get past that and have a somewhat better sex life or I can't stand it." And you says that she was the one who brought up a divorce. Aside from her possible asexuality, do you want to continue the relationship?

I'm wondering about something else: does your wife know that you posted the letter on the internet?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I share your wife's sentiments to some degree. To me there's no compelling reason to have partnered sex over masturbation. On the contrary, masturbation is preferable in many ways, because it allows me to achieve the goal (orgasm) without activating my insecurities or aversions. The idea that a partner is needed for sex is, in some ways, as foreign to me as the idea that someone else is required to get me dressed.

E.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I can understand what she is saying and to an extent relate. She sounds asexual. Perhaps a bit anti-sexual as well - I'm not too sure on this, there are others members here would be far more certain due to knowledge. Still, it all depends on her... do you know if she's ever read about this?

I don't think she sounds anti-sexual at all. For someone to be anti-sexual they'd have to view sex as a bad thing. Some aces might be disgusted in participating in sex themselves, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are anti-sexual. They might not actually have a problem with the idea of sex or about others having sex. To me, she sounds like she is just indifferent to the idea of sex, and uninterested or a little grossed out in taking part in it herself. Not really anti-sexual IMO. Just asexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites
InertiaCreeps

I’m having a hard time understanding why everyone thinks that realizing that my wife is asexual would be a relief. That it would make me feel better. It means no hope. There is nothing I can do to improve it and there is nothing she can do to improve it. It is what it is.

QUOTE

also that this pretty well confirmed my feeling that not only would my relationship break apart (and it did), I probably wouldn't find another one.

Sally, I think you are dead on. I think she has always felt that she would be alone. She wanted a large family, because she is a wonderful mom, but she also says “so somebody would take care of her in her old age”. She is strong willed about this, now more than she was 10 yrs ago. She is set that she is the way she is and I either deal with it or we divorce. I suggested couples counseling/therapy; she refused and said we should separate.

QUOTE

so we've got to get past that and have a somewhat better sex life or I can't stand it."

Yes Sally, I want to work out a reasonable compromise. For example over the past year we have had sex 4 times. I wish I could just go back and find a way to not think about this anymore, and go back to just blaming myself. But I’ve tried and I can’t.

QUOTE

Aside from her possible asexuality, do you want to continue the relationship?”

I want to grow old with my wife. I want to be that old couple walking hand in hand down the sidewalk. I love and have loved her since she was 17 years old. I want my 4 children to grow up with an intact family.

QUOTE

does your wife know that you posted the letter on the internet?

Of course not Sally. I did it to get your perspectives. She won’t talk about it, she won’t go to counseling, I have no other outlet but the internet. I would rather it not be this way. I have spent 14 years wondering what was wrong. There are no names attached nothing identifying it could be anyone walking down the street. There are no flashing signs above our heads stating, I live in a sexless marriage or I’m asexual.

QUOTE

she sounds like she is just indifferent to the idea of sex, and uninterested or a little grossed out in taking part in it herself.

Jazmin, I agree with you

Again I appreciate everyone’s comments, everyone’s insight.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Allegedly knowing the problem is half the battle. Asexuals can compromise, how much and if htat'll be sufficient is completely dependent on both people involved, though. Now you just have to find out what you need and what she's willing to give, and hope for some overlap. If you need to be desired- that'll be a problem, but it sounds like your wife desires you quite a bit, it sounds like she's trying her best to give you what you need, but unfortunately she doesn't desire you sexually.

It sounds like your wife can compromise somewhat decently if you make your needs known- it sounds like she wants to compromise as much as she can. The times when you tried to mix it up- did you tell her you were going to, or did you just try to mid-act? What happens when you discuss mixing things up in the bedroom? Has she shown any willingness?

It's not going to be easy, but at least now you know what's actually going on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know that you won't want to hear this, but I'm saying it anyway.

If your wife ever decides to look around on AVEN, you should prepare to explain to her why you posted the letter without her permission. I understand your reasons, but she may not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I’m having a hard time understanding why everyone thinks that realizing that my wife is asexual would be a relief. That it would make me feel better. It means no hope. There is nothing I can do to improve it and there is nothing she can do to improve it. It is what it is.

Yes, that aspect is hard, but it's reality. You are who you are and she is who she is.

I guess the relief for most people comes not from accepting that "it is what it is" but from accepting that "it isn't what it isn't": it isn't that her love for you has faded, it isn't because she's having an affair, it isn't because you didn't get that promotion, it isn't some resentment-driven control strategy, it isn't because you're not romantic enough to seduce her, it isn't because she thinks you don't pull your weight in the relationship, it isn't that you're unlovable, it isn't because you have a selfish level of sexual desire, it isn't that you're just crap in bed, it isn't because how hard you were trying just wasn't hard enough.

She is set that she is the way she is and I either deal with it or we divorce. I suggested couples counseling/therapy; she refused and said we should separate.

If her attitude is "my way or the highway", then you must not blame yourself if the relationship ends, no matter how much you want to grow old together. Her behaviour (not her asexuality) is making you miserable, and she's ok with that? It's true that she's not responsible for your happiness, but if taking responsiblity for your own happiness means ending a relationship with someone that's making you miserable, then you need to have the courage to do that.

I want to grow old with my wife. I want to be that old couple walking hand in hand down the sidewalk. I love and have loved her since she was 17 years old. I want my 4 children to grow up with an intact family.

If she would rather walk away from this than work with you to find some way for you both to be happy, then there's reason not to be hopeful. But it can happen - my wife and I are fine now, but we were somewhere near where you are a few years back. For my wife, working on it seemed both really unpleasant (we fought/agonised about it constantly) and really pointless (we kept having the same fights/dilemmas/dramas). It was only through a conscious decision, on my part at first, and then later on hers, to cut out all that unproductive crap around our sex life, and just keep those bits that at least one of us enjoyed (sexual things for me, or peaceful hassle/argument/discussion-free periods for her) that turned things around.

Link to post
Share on other sites
InertiaCreeps

Sally, thank you straight forwardness. I understand how painful it would be to read that on the internet knowing you wrote it, even if no one knows you wrote it. I deleted the letter. I only put it up because I had to get your “expert” opinions. I got them and they matched my thoughts.

Oliver thank you as well. Your comments were dead on. I still blame myself, that I suddenly find our lack of sex hard to deal with. I beat myself up, that I have dealt with it for all these years, why now has it become so difficult?!

I’m only miserable in the bedroom, the rest of our relationship is great. I keep asking myself why isn’t that enough?!

… WOW, epiphany. It is not enough because I’m sexual. I have been trying to live life as an asexual to keep the marriage working. I can no more change what I am, than she can change what she is.

I have been angry with myself, and felt guilty, for having needs sexually, that she can not meet. I tell myself somewhere deep inside, “it’s just sex. I don’t need that. I have everything else.”

Link to post
Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual
… WOW, epiphany. It is not enough because I’m sexual. I have been trying to live life as an asexual to keep the marriage working. I can no more change what I am, than she can change what she is.

I have been angry with myself, and felt guilty, for having needs sexually, that she can not meet. I tell myself somewhere deep inside, “it’s just sex. I don’t need that. I have everything else.”

Yes, me too. I try that too. I feel like I'm doing okay on so many levels, especially intellectually. I get it. I understand. My body on the other hand...

Last night I had this dream:

I'm making out with a woman I know. In real life she is straight, married, with child and not attracted to me that I know of - someone I would never be with, (but find attractive). In the dream, I realize that it feels just like it feels with my partner, so of course she morphs into my partner. But then in my head, I think, "Oh, I know she is not enjoying this." So I stop and pull away. This dream felt VERY real. I kept thinking about how much I miss kissing like that. I felt like crying.

I guess I'm in acceptance mode, but my body is still in mourning? But how will I ever get out of wanting to be sexual? I won't. As InertiaCreeps says so clearly, I cannot change myself. This seems so hard... I'm bummed about it. I don't know what to do.

Sorry InertiaCreeps, I'm not trying to hijack your thread, just relating deeply.. what to do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been trying to live life as an asexual to keep the marriage working. I can no more change what I am, than she can change what she is.

I have been angry with myself, and felt guilty, for having needs sexually, that she can not meet. I tell myself somewhere deep inside, “it’s just sex. I don’t need that. I have everything else.”

That's what I did for decades, turned inside out. I tried to live as a sexual to keep the marriage and then the subsequent relationship working, and felt guilty for NOT having sexual needs, and told myself "It's just sex. I can make myself do it. I have everything else."

We're all trying because we love someone, or want for other reasons to keep relating to our people. Your inability to keep living essentially an asexual life, Inertia, is no more your fault than it was my fault for not being able to keep up the sexual role I was trying to play.

The hard thing is to figure out what comes next.

Link to post
Share on other sites
InertiaCreeps

My apologies for not responding for awhile. My wife actually caught me looking at AVEN, which resulted in her storming out of the room crying and very angry. We were able to talk some and it was the best conversation we have had so far.

To summarize, she said that I have communicated horribly about my issues with our sexual relationship; I realize how she could feel this way now. Knowing what I know now, I understand that I have to explain from an asexual point of view, whether or not I can successfully do that is still open for question. She said she thought from my comments that she is not enough for me anymore. She also emphatically repeats these statements “IM NOT BROKEN”, “I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THE SAME AS I DO”, “WE DON”T NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN”.

From this I take it that she views asexuality as being “BROKEN”. I seriously doubt she has researched asexuality at all. We are supportive of homosexuality, and we defend such orientation, so it is obvious to me she does not understand. She is trying to ignore the issue, as we always have and hope it goes away. I know she has read blogs, especially new mothers with newborns, where they talk about not wanting sex. I believe that is where she gets the other people feel as I do. I know she won’t talk to anyone about it, as was stated in her letter.

I was able to convey to her that I don’t think she is “broken”. I did not tell her that I think she is asexual, because I felt she would still view it as “BROKEN”. I told her I don’t want someone else, but it is important for ME to have sex with HER in our marriage. I told her my libido for whatever reason has increased and I need her. We were able to make some limited progress in compromise. She agreed to once a week, provide manual stimulation. She stated she wants to limit sex to once a month. I asked her to have sex with me every 2 weeks, to this she replied, with a pained face, “We will try”.

Oliver – Thank you for your words of wisdom. It is great to hear the hope you represent. I need to read your posts and get a feel on how to “cut out all that unproductive crap around our sex life”.

Sexualwasexual – Please, hijack away! This is the great thing about this site; we can relate to each other and know we are not alone in this.

Sally – Thank you again. You are correct it is hard to figure out what comes next.

StarGazed – Sorry I missed thanking you. I know my wife loves me and in that regard desires me, just like you said, not sexually. I’m not sure she can compromise sexually. It has seem to get worse through the years, and I assume that is how it is with most asexuals, it probably become harder and harder to “just do it”. As far as me mixing things up in the bedroom, that was just another attempt to make myself “better” so as to make her desire me. Obviously, no matter how GOOD I am, that is just not possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't read the entire thread verbatim, but it sounds like she is not happy with her own sexuality and is having difficulty in coming to terms with it, as well as being married to a sexual person. Ignoring it and hoping it will solve itself just won't work. If she hasn't already, I'd recommend she reads the FAQs on the site, they helped me a lot.

Just my $0.02.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...