ln_x Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Hi, I've been flipping though these message boards. And I'm confused. I read that Asexuals are people attracted to neither sex. Then I saw a post by someone asking if there were any Gay-asexuals... I'm sorry, what!? And also, why assume that getting into a relationship with a sexual person means you have to tell that person you're asexual and they're not going to get sex? Surely if there was an asexual and a sexual in a relationship, the asexual could compromise every second day/night/week/month and have sex with the sexual person, and the sexual person could compromise and not have sex with the asexual person every other day/night/week/month in much the same way I would compromise and watch the movie my girlfriend wants to watch this weekend, and watch my movie next weekend? Kinda like I scratch your back, you scratch mine? If you truly love someone, wouldn't you want them to be content? If my girlfriend was asexual I would understand that she has no will or inclination to engage in sexual activities of any sort - but I'd expect her to return the gesture and understand that I do have the desire, and althought I'd never demand anything, I'd hope that she would take the initiative in the same way that I wouldn't push for sex out of respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Aeireono Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 This thread should answer your first question: http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=3904 In short it pretty much means you're romantically attracted to the same sex but you don't want to have sex with them. For the second one... well, I imagine this varies a lot from person to person - some might not mind compromising, some might but would do it anyway, and some would find the whole idea repulsive, myself included. There's a lot of variety, but speaking from my point of view, I wouldn't want to compromise, so I don't get involved with sexuals like that, because I'd rather the issue didn't come up. I do NOT want sex, and that's pretty much final. I myself was lucky enough to run into another asexual girl, and we're quite happily attached, but that's just my story. Link to post Share on other sites
ln_x Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 *nods head and pinches bottom lip thoughtfully* Link to post Share on other sites
Kombucha2000 Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 we just recently retired a range system from A to D. A)Those who experience sex drive but no attraction: These are people who are aware that sex, on a purely biochemical level, might feel good but who would never feel compelled to engage in it with another person. The sex drive is dormant. Asexuals fitting this description may find sex with another person so socially and emotionally awkward as to be completely unpleasurable. (Yeah it might feel good to have sex with someone, it might feel good to run out and shoot up herion but for the time being I've got other things to do with my life..) B)People who experience attraction, but no sex drive: Those who feel an attraction to others similar to sexual attraction but have no desire to consummate it sexually. Attraction is centered less on sexuality and more on emotional and sometimes physical (though non-sexual) intimacy. Like sexual attraction this sort of attraction can be oriented along specific gender lines. (Sure I like you, but why of all things would we want to do THAT?) C)Both: People for whome sex biologically feels good who experience attraction that is purely emotional. This person may find it pleasurable to masturbate, and they may see someone and feel an unexplainable emotional attachement to them but they would never see any reason to put the two together. D)Neither: Those who don't find sex pleasurable and don't experience attraction to other people. It's important to note that not experiencing attraction does NOT mean that these people do not form intimate emotional relationships, like those in group A they are fully capable of forming intimate bonds with others and finding particular people particularely interesting without feeling anything that they define as "attraction." asexuals can have a pluntonic attraction to a gender, thereby allowing for straight, gay, bi asexuals. I consider myself a straight A. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Gay asexuals. Just like...gay sexuals. Only not doing the sex part, generally. I happen to fall in love with people of my own sex. But falling in love doesn't translate to wanting to bang the object of my adoration. Just wanting to be near, and to be exclusive. Physicality in asexual relationships vary from couple to couple. There are also straight and bi asexuals, by the way. I guess only the gay ones are shocking, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 Personally, I wouldn't compromise by letting another person do something very intimate with my body for the sake of a relationship. It's not some hobby--or watching a movie-- it's an invasion of my BODY. Other asexuals are all right with going through the motions to make their partner happy, but I'm not one of them. I am one of the gay asexuals, though. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Eta Carinae Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 I never cared for the terms gay/bi/straight asexual, because I do think they're confusing to outsiders (as ln_x's post demonstrates). That said, what people are referring to when they say that is romantic attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Probably C Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 I kind of have always used the term cellibate -- it's not that i never enjoyed or tried sex -- it's that no matter who I meet, the junk in their emotional trunk is such that I'm nearly always wanting to run in the other direction. Compromise, you've got to be kidding . . . get in the trunk, I'm driving the bus. Meet your mother, what for? I'm a loner, and have never known the meaning of the word lonely, don't wish to either. There cannot possibly be enough alone time in my world. Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 I'm trying to think what the "compromise" would be if I were to give in to someone in order to make our relationship "complete". I'm assuming that sexual people don't engage just every day/week/month...so I would have to "compromise" and give in every SECOND day. (as opposed to every day? I'm only going by what was written, trying to make sense of it and so far it looks like someone is expected to give some every day?) So, the compromise is that we don't have to do it EVERY day? Wow! This is complicated - everything I learn about sexual relationships makes me more and more convinced that I was smart in following my heart and own needs. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours? Honey, what if my back ain't itchy? There are lots of asexuals who give in, some very gladly but it's not through compromise, it's just doing thing the sexual person's way only every OTHER time. I don't want ANY. NONE. You can't cut "none" in half and call it a compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 It's sort of like saying, 'She's only a little pregnant.' Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Probably C Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 I was talking about ANY compromise -- a loner likes being alone for reasons way beyond sexuality -- I wish to never compromise, my ideas are always the best -- my comment about compromise had nothing to do with sexual compromising -- or maybe way far down on the list of things I'll do myself/alone, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrysalid Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 Surely if there was an asexual and a sexual in a relationship, the asexual could compromise every second day/night/week/month and have sex with the sexual person, and the sexual person could compromise and not have sex with the asexual person every other day/night/week/month Sorry m8, but I'm a little confused over the technicalities here ... a compromise is where both sides give up something, or give in to something, right? OK. So you're saying that the asexual agrees to have sex every so often, and the sexual agrees not to have sex every so often. But surely, even sexuals don't do it every night. So them not doing it occasionally wouldn't mean that they were compromising anything, would it? Only the asexual would be compromising. Do you see what I'm getting at? I don't mean to take pot-shots at what you're saying, it's just that the idea of a compromise organised as you describe seems flawed! :D *Chrys Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 Echoing the last two posts - exactly! If giving in "every other night" is considered to be a compromise then I'm WAAAAYYY out of touch with what a sexual relationship is all about. Then it's not a matter of "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours", it's more a matter of "you go your way, baby and I'll go mine." There's a vast difference between watching a movie and deciding what someone is going to do to your body. Link to post Share on other sites
Curious Kelly Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Hmmm. What if the asexual in the relationship NEEDS NOT to have sex to be happy, and the sexual NEEDS to have sex to be happy? How can you get round this? :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Then they have to decide if they want to have some sort of polyamorous arrangement where the sexual one can satisfy his or her needs in that way. It would really depend on the people involved and their ability to hadnle something that has the potential to be so complicated and painful. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Chrysalid Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Hmmm. What if the asexual in the relationship NEEDS NOT to have sex to be happy, and the sexual NEEDS to have sex to be happy? How can you get round this? :-/ That's a very good question! For years I was in a "mixed" relationship of precisely the nature you describe (although I didn't know enough to recognise myself as "a" at the time) and I never found an answer. In our case there was no way of compromising and we split up over it. Neither of us were willing to give the compromises the other wanted. :( Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Hmmm. What if the asexual in the relationship NEEDS NOT to have sex to be happy, and the sexual NEEDS to have sex to be happy? How can you get round this? :-/ Other than polyamoury, I don't see there IS a way of getting around it. Let me know if it ever get solved because as an asexual, I can't understand how one needs to have sex to be happy so there's no way I can be objective. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolly Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 In my opinion, I dont think anyone who is treuly happy in themselves needs to have sex to be happy. If they believe they do, then theres is no way they are and are probably partaking in the excersie in the belief that it may bring them happiness. I dont think I qualify as an asexual myself, but I'm a pretty odd sexual in that case! I am still a virgin at 21 and have been in a relationship for almost 3 months now. I plan to sleep with this guy, but as it goes, we are very happy with the way things are at the moment and we will only sleep together when I'm well an truley ready and he respects that and is willing to wait for me. For me, sex is more about love and trust between to people - I see it as more of a way of showing commitment and expressing your feelings to that person. Yes, I know there are other ways of doing this, but I believe it can be more spiritual than that - it is the start of life after all, if you choose to look at it in that way! PLus I guess theres the fun side to it - if you got the urge that is. Its a nice feeling to feel that close to someone and have them feel that way back - you just feel asthough you want them to share everything with you - so what better way of doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
vampeir Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 being asexual, you cannot please your sexual partner....why? because sex is distasteful, in that you either don't get excited by it and it can hurt, because your body/hormones are not doing what they are suppose to, or you get a bit excited and poof, it is gone, before you have even taken your clothes off. You can love a sexual partner, but you can hate the duty of sex. You cannot fake sex forever. after a year, three, or five,if you are asexual, you just want to go back to the way you were.....no sex and you want your sexual parther to simply love you. sex does not equal love....did you read that? sex does not equal love - love for an asexual is mind, spirit, soul, heart... Link to post Share on other sites
A-Ole Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 If "compromise" is going to mean "each person is miserable about half of the time," then I don't think compromise would be the way to go. More importantly, if someone really loves you, why would they want to do things to you that they KNOW you'll hate? How could they gain pleasure from acts that hurt and revolted you? How could they expect you to offer up your body for their amusement, as if you were a hooker whose feelings didn't matter, annd who wasn't even going to get paid? That doesn't sound like love to ME. Link to post Share on other sites
leejoon Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Surely if there was an asexual and a sexual in a relationship, the asexual could compromise every second day/night/week/month and have sex with the sexual person, and the sexual person could compromise and not have sex with the asexual person every other day/night/week/month in much the same way I would compromise and watch the movie my girlfriend wants to watch this weekend, and watch my movie next weekend? Have you ever tried to have sex with someone who is not interested? Even if they are doing it "for you" and love you? Let me tell you from my husband's perspective, what it's like, apparently: "It's like screwing a dead body" "Can't you at least try to look like you're enjoying this?" "When I get no response from you I feel repulsive" "Why won't you *insert act here* unless I specifically ask you to?" "You aren't even trying to make me happy" "You aren't even paying attention!" It is not much of a compromise, and only leads to frustration on both sides. And guilt - he does have enough of a heart that he feels bad for asking me to do things I clearly don't wish to, and I feel as if I am not living up to my part of the job of being married. And anger. On both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 *reads leejoon's husband's responses* :shock: ... Wow. And what do you say? 'I've TOLD you I'm not interested?' I give you credit--I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who SAID those sorts of things to me--let alone wanted me to do them. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
leejoon Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I give you credit--I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who SAID those sorts of things to me--let alone wanted me to do them. I believe in the promise I made by gettting married. That's why I stay. And I try to avoid said contact as often as possible. Honestly, it's just an annoyance to perform, just another chore like the laundry - it takes up time that I'd rather be doing something else with. If only he could respond to it the same way, let his needs be met, and then let me be. But he "needs" my compliance and enjoyment to fulfill him, and that's where we... fight? Had we known we were such opposites to begin with... But he was a perfect gentleman before marriage, I had no idea how insatiable his needs were! :oops: I think we'd make very good friends, but spouses? Meh. Link to post Share on other sites
Hermitess Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Hi,Kinda like I scratch your back, you scratch mine? If you truly love someone, wouldn't you want them to be content? If my girlfriend was asexual I would understand that she has no will or inclination to engage in sexual activities of any sort - but I'd expect her to return the gesture and understand that I do have the desire, and althought I'd never demand anything, I'd hope that she would take the initiative in the same way that I wouldn't push for sex out of respect. Been there done that in a 16 year marriage. I cringed everytime he crawled into bed beside me because I fearfully thought he was going to want sex. If I came to bed after he was sleep, I would try to be as stealthy as posssible while crawling into bed for fear of waking him up and him wanting to have sex. :( Our marriage bed became a battleground because my ex-husband felt the same way you did and expressed it often enough to get me to "give in" and accommodate his sexual desires. :evil: In this sort of situation, there is no real compromise and there is no "Win/Win" solution. :cry: Staci Link to post Share on other sites
Hermitess Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I kind of have always used the term cellibate -- it's not that i never enjoyed or tried sex -- it's that no matter who I meet, the junk in their emotional trunk is such that I'm nearly always wanting to run in the other direction. Compromise, you've got to be kidding . . . get in the trunk, I'm driving the bus. Meet your mother, what for? I'm a loner, and have never known the meaning of the word lonely, don't wish to either. There cannot possibly be enough alone time in my world. Probably C, I have become quite the loner in the past 2 years, and am amazed that I never feel lonely. There is usually so much for me to do with my many different interests and hobbies that I just don't have time to miss being around people. Lately, I even get annoyed when the phone rings :evil: even though it only rings about once a week. I never have visitors over, because I never invite anyone to visit me. Have you read "Party On One" by anneli rufus? It is an excellent book about loners. I only wish non-loners would read it and then know to leave us ALONE. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I have become quite the loner in the past 2 years, and am amazed that I never feel lonely. There is usually so much for me to do with my many different interests and hobbies that I just don't have time to miss being around people.Lately, I even get annoyed when the phone rings :evil: even though it only rings about once a week. I never have visitors over, because I never invite anyone to visit me. Have you read "Party On One" by anneli rufus? It is an excellent book about loners. I only wish non-loners would read it and then know to leave us ALONE. Wow, are we similar. I loved that book. And I hate the phone. Imposing on my solitude! Damn thing. I also have an essay about introverts from Harper's that was brilliant. I want to make copies of it and give it to everyone I know. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Silly Green Monkey Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I get annoyed when the phone rings, because I get hangups fairly often. I hate having to get up from the computer just to answer a phone when nobody wants to talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Aeireono Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 What bothers me about the phone, if it's a call that I'm not expecting, is the fear that it's going to be bad news. I don't know why I feel like that, since it never really is, but I can't shake it off. It's evil either way. Link to post Share on other sites
underminethewalls Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 There's a reason you get so many hangups, SGM. Telemarketers have now begun to program their dialing computers to dial more than one number at a time, and when someone picks up the phone the computer hangs up on all the other numbers it dialed. :evil: Luckily most of them are going out of business due to the national no-call list. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I just never answer the phone. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts