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young marriage + possible Asexual: what should we do?


sexual&frustrated

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My wife just glanced at the site (nodded to some of my questions about Asexuality) and never embraced Asexuality completely. Nor would she spend any time at all reading on this site- I couldn't get her to...and so things dragged on. Things did not change until I asked her for a divorce - it made us both take a good hard, sincere and honest look which opened up a completely new dialogue for us- we are still together and growing stronger since then. If I had known all of this 15 years ago- I would have asked for a divorce much sooner, but every relationship is different. Going to that extreme for you could certainly result in losing each other forever. Have you thought about writing each other a letter (topic being "trouble with sex between us" or whatever you feel is the main issue)? Ask if she would write you one, and you write her one...then exchange them- read them in each others' presence and then talk about them- this might work in that she can't just make things fit your letter...

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sexualwithasexual
I don't want her to say and think and behave the way she thinks she is "supposed" to behave or for her to say what she thinks she "should" want to say (not what "I" think she should- but that part of her mind is telling her is what she "ought" to do because her world told her that's the "right" response)-- but I want her to just be herself and to say what is really her and to express herself as she really is, and not just what she wants to present to me because she feels she should- does that make sense?

It does makes sense. I'm starting to want more from my partner in terms of traveling on the road of AVEN. Some suggestions have been made around how to communicate difficult terrain. One was writing a letter. It seems that even a casual conversation is almost impossible, if it contains so many past and loaded emotional topics for both parties. So a letter can allow you to say everything, and somehow has more weight.

As far a letting her know what's at stake, I think you must at some point. This, at least for me, is more fluid than I used to think! Knowing more about asexuality has shifted my perspective on even compromise options. I used to think that my partner was sexual, but just didn't really have the energy for sex. How could I not take that personally? I read that as, "She just doesn't have the energy to love me." Now, it's a very different landscape.

But, I still think you should open up the process to her. Explain your experience on AVEN as best as you can, either in letter or in person, and then maybe tell her that in order for you to feel like she is understanding how important this whole thing is to you, you would appreciate if she could meet you half way by looking at some links to AVEN that you can send her via email. That way she can take her time looking at them. Tell her that you can give her a week or so of looking and then you'd like to discuss it. I think it's fair if you are working hard on learning about asexuality, that she meet you half way on it.

You might also reassure her that the new found info is not something that makes you want to leave, it just opens up knowledge based on others experiences which can be incredibly helpful. The other thing though, is our experience reading here as a sexual is likely VERY different than what her experience will be. So be careful about your own expectations. (this has been discussed on the friends and allies section of late)

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