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LooLoo

Same Situation as Most w/ an Internet Twist

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LooLoo

Well I have been reading this forum for about 2 weeks now and finally decided to tell my oh so very similar story. Well, I will not restate what has already been said, but will share the differences that I have not read yet. I am a female sexual, and my husband (we think) asexual. We are a little younger or at least have been married less time than most of you. We are in our early 40's and have been married for 13 years. I'm pretty sure I have been very sexual my whole life, my husband says has not been very sexual his whole life. Early in our marriage the sex was not very often even though I wanted it...after time I just quit fighting about it. Once or twice a year was about all I have had over the last 13 years.

Now all of this is pretty normal so far, living life, planning hopes and dreams together. Then..I caught him online having what I thought was an affair. Crushed my whole world...he seemed to able to give to someone (although it was online) everything that I had been wanting...attention, explicit chat, nude photos. I forgave him at the time and had actually regained some trust. The sex didn't get any better,but again moving on.

Well, earlier this year a virtual world "game" came back into the house. So, me being the dutiful wife that I am, created my own account hoping that I could "understand" it better. Now competing once again for attention, I was not comfortable with this online issue and voiced this to my husband. Well, one night I chose to cross the line in this "game" to the naughty side if you will (hard to explain without getting to explicit), and WOW...I rediscovered my sexual side in a hurry. Now my age may have something to do with it, but let's just say the geenie is out of the bottle and she doesn't want to go back in.

I started therapy again, and my therapist had asked if I thought my husband might be gay, and then she said maybe asexual...well we didnt discuss it any farther, but i went home and found this site. What a blessing!!! I'm trying to stay on track...

The years of rejection have taken their toll and have made me very angry and bitter. Yes, now we may know why, but it really doesn't help anything. In reading a lot of your posts, it seems that most of you have a very loving relationship besides the sex part, well I feel like I dont even love my husband anymore, because of the hurt and anger I have. He can barely touch me and kisses are nothing more than a slight peck on the lips. He is very pratical about everything and just tells me to put the geenie back, well it's not that easy. And yes, like some of you I have thought about an extramarital affair, but it would be just as empty as having sex with my husband. I need the whole package, passion, itimacy, and sex. We did sit down and discuss some things, mostly things he highlighted in the FAQ from this site. In listening to him, I heard he can get what he needs from online and we have a big communication problem right now, so where do I fit into this...at the bottom of the list like I always have. We have not really discussed compromising sex, but lets be honest...I dont want to have sex with someone who really doesn't want to be having it in the first place, even the cuddling, he can't even seem to do that with me. To me, when two people have intercourse that is the closest two people can get, he simply does not see it that way. That is one of things I value in a marriage to have that ultimate closeness, that bond.

And, to put another twist into everything, we are supposed to be moving in two months. I flip flop from minute to minute on what to do. I'm not currently working so that adds another level to this whole ordeal...So, any thoughts, comments, encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

LooLoo

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Galen

Welcome LooLoo,

As you probably have read my post since they are all recent, I really don't have an answer either. I can offer support like the others here who share your dilemma. I can't honestly say that our love is strong right now, but it has endured. I know she is very frustrated with me at this moment since she does not understand why I am so disconnected. I don't know what RPG you have been playing. I haven't explored that direction.

I really can't imagine less lovemaking then we already do, it must be very difficult for you.

I presume the best advice is something I have been told every person should do and that is to be sure they are financially independent, this will give you more options. Also, it does not sound like you have kids to worry about so that may also weigh on your decisions. Glad you have a therapist that seems to understand though, mine seems useless.

Best Wishes

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Sally

Hi, Loo. I'm an asexual who had a long relationship with a sexual who is now quite angry at what he feels is my betrayal of him after I found AVEN and "came out" to him, but won't discuss that now. Suffice to say I had a long sexual/asexual relationship with me mosting trying to be "normal."

It sounds like your life is pretty stressful now and there's not much to distract you from your relationship woes. Not that much can, I know; even if you were working, it would be hard to concentrate. It also sounds like the situation with your husband may not be amenable to much change. He is who he is; you are who you are. There is one way that sexuals and most asexuals really don't fit: seeing sex as a bonding and loving experience. Can you give that up?

If there were no hope of change, can you see yourself still with him in one year? In five years? That might be a good thing to investigate with your therapist. Sometimes compromise works; sometimes it doesn't; sometimes partners decide they really can't compromise because they'd give up what they really want.

Good luck.

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