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Community-based Intimacy


Guest Tabula Rasa

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Guest Tabula Rasa

I heard this term from DJ on the asexual underground podcast, and it has changed my outlook on relationships for the better.

Community-based intimacy involves a myriad of individual relationships, whereas partner-based intimacy involves one person. I think of the relationships I have with family, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. These are enriching to my life in ways that many people would not begin to understand. I can hear some people saying, "Yes, but you need a boyfriend!"

Sure I've had lonely moments, and I have felt pressure to accept this idea that I'm supposed to feel lonely because I am not coupled. At times, I felt like my life and my being were devoid of value because of not being coupled. Society gives a raised eyebrow to those who do not have someone by their side or a significant other to talk about. Not that I care what society thinks, but society is what it is. Yet I cannot say that being single makes me feel like a perpetual piece of crap. To be honest, I've never truly understood why people want to be coupled. To me, being coupled means not being free. However, I've had to do quite a bit of mind/soul searching to get comfortable with my opinion and with the communities to which I belong.

If anyone wants to hear the podcast, here's the link.

:)

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Its not the not being in a couple thing that bothers me... its the not having anyone to hang out with.

And as anyone who has played the sims knows, once you have a job, relationship and kids; its really difficult not to lose touch with friends (unless you use cheats). I feel like the only sim in the neighbourhood who hasnt got all these other demands on their time, I am alone by default now simply becaise other people have more immediate in-their-face concerns.

Talikng about the sims, anyone else noticed that in the charascter traits Sims3 has 'Unflirty' (amongst others) its almost impossible to get them to do romantic interactions without at least a friendship level of relationship -Demiromantics, in other words- (...and its so annoying!!! :lol: )

Sorry about the detour into gaming, it just seemed relevant to how I have been feeling. Im going to detour into philosophy now too..if we are in a virtual reality environment, Im sure my character is not getting much attention from 'the player'/'god-like thing'... (maybe a prayer or two is inorder LOL).

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understand what you mean. if you have friends/family and don't feel a need to have a partner, why should it matter? I used to often feel like I needed a boyfriend, because I thought if I didn't it would make me look bad; undesirable, unattractive, loser-ish, etc. never thought that about other people strangely, and no longer think that way of myself (was just a kid at the time). but yes, I think it's something many young people feel. probably more pressure when you're older too, when you're 'meant' to be starting a family. if you want to that's fine, but if you don't? you would think as people mature they wouldn't care (what others get up to) as much though. guess one day I'll find out!

^ love the sims. haven't played an unflirty sim yet. sounds like a mod changing it to demiromantic would be fitting though :P if only I was a 'computer whiz' and could make it!

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You know, I've always been perfectly content single. Obviously, right now I am in love with an incredible person, and have been for the last few years, but before that, I certainly wasn't looking. I've always loved the times when I've been single, because it means more time for my favourite people - my friends! :-)

P.

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The idea of laying naked and cuddling with random people in the "community" scares me. Maybe it's my trust issues speaking up.

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The idea of laying naked and cuddling with random people in the "community" scares me. Maybe it's my trust issues speaking up.

I don't think anyone was saying that you had to do that in this type of arrangement...

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Guest Tabula Rasa
The idea of laying naked and cuddling with random people in the "community" scares me. Maybe it's my trust issues speaking up.

I don't think anyone was saying that you had to do that in this type of arrangement...

Most people associate the word "intimacy" with romance, but the word has other senses.

Examples of community-based intimacy:

Going to a sports event with family

Making cookies for co-workers

Running the "Race For the Cure" with a bunch of people you hardly know

Serving the homeless

These types of relationships, however transient they may appear, are just as valuable as a couple-relationship.

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The idea sounds like something David Jay talked about in Asex 101. I have to say, my initial reaction to that was "WTF?" I don't see the benefits of making an analogy between a relationship with a community and a relationship with an individual.

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I think I'm with chalice on this one - of course the intimicies you have with the community around you are valuable, fulfilling and emotionally enriching. You would be very lonely and not the person you are today without them. I do feel like I have different types of initimate relationships with people on a community level rather than a personal one.

However the type of intimacy you find within a romantic relationship has a completely different nature. Comparing the value of community relationships and partner relationships is like comparing the value of reading fiction and non fiction - yes in one way it's just reading a book of a different kind, and yes you can probably get along without one of the other, but the value you get from them is completely different, you have an entirely different attitude to each and to be really wholly balanced you need community relationships and personal, one-on-one intimacy; whether for you that's a romantic relationship, a best friend, a pet... whatever. Sometimes you like to see allllll the people you can give a quick hug and be friendly to, sometimes you just want to bury your head under someone's arm and snuggle.

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The idea of laying naked and cuddling with random people in the "community" scares me. Maybe it's my trust issues speaking up.

I don't think anyone was saying that you had to do that in this type of arrangement...

The title of the thread is community based intimacy . So yes, it does mean that.

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I think that the word intimacy is "tainted" if you will, with the meaning of romance. Just like how the word gay no longer means happy, it is a synonym for homosexual. I think a better choice of word would be community-based relationships. I know, it is bollocks and semantics, but some words just change meaning over time.

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The thing about "community-based intimacy" is that EVERYONE needs it, whether you're sexual or asexual. It used to be that everyone had this-- you knew your neighbors, bartered with them, watched each other's kids, etc. People didn't have to get all their support from their partners. At least in America, community has been on a decline for decades-- see the book "Bowling Alone" for lots of research about this. I think so many people feel isolated, but they're not sure what's missing. Society keeps telling us that a romantic partner is always what's missing, but maybe it's really community.

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I have dreamed of having a group of intimate friends since I was 11.

We should think of starting "communities" with everyone involved being everybody else's best friend. Of course, entrance into a "community" would be a long process, but I'm certain we could accomplish it! (jumps up & down[mentally] for joy)

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I think the thing about this is, that society today says that you should have your needs for companionship, romance, sex and any other social needs fulfilled primarily or exclusively by one person: your "partner". But this isn't healthy for most people, sexual and asexual alike. So it would really be better, in my opinion, for people to have friends that fulfill different needs in different amounts. One set of friends who share a common hobby, or goal. One set because you like their personalities. Someone you feel romantically (or sexually) toward. And if you have overlap, even better, because if you have only one person who cheers you up when you're down, what happens when you can't talk to or see them? It's better for people you care about to have different roles and needs they fill and that you fill for them.

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I think the thing about this is, that society today says that you should have your needs for companionship, romance, sex and any other social needs fulfilled primarily or exclusively by one person: your "partner". But this isn't healthy for most people, sexual and asexual alike. So it would really be better, in my opinion, for people to have friends that fulfill different needs in different amounts. One set of friends who share a common hobby, or goal. One set because you like their personalities. Someone you feel romantically (or sexually) toward. And if you have overlap, even better, because if you have only one person who cheers you up when you're down, what happens when you can't talk to or see them? It's better for people you care about to have different roles and needs they fill and that you fill for them.

I can agree with that, except that I'm only going to be intimate with my lover.

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I can agree with that, except that I'm only going to be intimate with my lover.

Again, I think this is a difference of use on the word intimacy.

If I discuss a topic I hold dear with a friend I have no romantic interest in, and which my partner has no interest in discussing, would this be a form of intimacy with the friend or not? By the definition you seem to be using, no it isn't. But because it is sharing an important part of my self with another person, I'd say it is. Even so, this isn't a breach of intimacy with my partner, as I would discuss it with him if he were interested and would not hide that I was talking with my friend about the subject. But it's a form of intimacy that is hard to share with him. A non-romantic intimacy, but intimacy nonetheless.

But I guess that's a matter of opinions.

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The idea of laying naked and cuddling with random people in the "community" scares me. Maybe it's my trust issues speaking up.

I don't think anyone was saying that you had to do that in this type of arrangement...

The title of the thread is community based intimacy . So yes, it does mean that.

Whaaa? I'm so confused...

Intimacy does not just mean getting naked & cuddling. Intimacy means a lot of different things. And... David Jay's the one that came up with the term, & I'm pretty sure that naked cuddling with a group of people isn't what he meant by it (granted, I think it's a possible thing for people to do together if that's what they'd like, but it's not the only possibility).

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*agrees with Ghosts*

Perhaps people should look up the variety of things covered under the definition of "intimacy" -- I would suspect depending on the individual or group they could choose different things among that for how they share intimacy with each other. :)

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The idea of laying naked and cuddling with random people in the "community" scares me. Maybe it's my trust issues speaking up.

I don't think anyone was saying that you had to do that in this type of arrangement...

The title of the thread is community based intimacy . So yes, it does mean that.

Bollocks. It's perfectly possible to have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy.

My best friend and I have a very intimate connection, but I sure as Hell don't get nude and snuggly with her.

P.

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While I'm with chalice on the need for personal intimacy as well as community based, I should clarify that I also agree with these last posts that intimacy doesn't have to mean physical. I consider myself intimate with my best friend and we're probably the least touchy pair around.

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There's a person whom I'd like to have a relationship with, but the funny thing is, when I'm actually with him, I no longer feel that urge to create a relationship (couple) - when I'm with him, that hunger is satisfied, and I don't need to have him as a boyfriend. It's kind of strange. :blink:

I want a boyfriend, but I don't need one, really. The only reason maybe that I'd want to have him as a boyfriend would be to make him spend more time with me. :P

... and just think! If I'd never had a romantic crush, I wouldn't need any of it at all! But alas, love is mysterious and I can't escape it. :unsure:

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I love DJ's system a lot more than the romantic/aromantic system which just doesn't have a label for me. On an unrelated note, is he updating the podcast any more? I haven't seen anything new for a couple of months now.

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The thing about "community-based intimacy" is that EVERYONE needs it, whether you're sexual or asexual. It used to be that everyone had this-- you knew your neighbors, bartered with them, watched each other's kids, etc. People didn't have to get all their support from their partners. At least in America, community has been on a decline for decades-- see the book "Bowling Alone" for lots of research about this. I think so many people feel isolated, but they're not sure what's missing. Society keeps telling us that a romantic partner is always what's missing, but maybe it's really community.

Yeah I think community is really missing for lots of people sexual and asexual.

Its not just the commitments/time factor either I think socially we led to believe that once we are in a couple we should get all our needs satisfied through the partner/family and anything else is dubious (almost immoral- in either a sexual or immature way); its such a lot of pressure to put on someone, its no wonder the divorce rate is so high. I think its a distortion of what most people want, but they try to adapt to being in the 'bubble' to be acceptable.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Haven't updated the podcast b/c I've been too busy with grad school. You can read my boring school blog at: http://schooledgreen.wordpress.com

Once I'm done with this semester I'm planning to write a lot more on this topic, I've been really exploring it in depth over the past year. To respond to two things quickly:

the type of intimacy you find within a romantic relationship has a completely different nature. Comparing the value of community relationships and partner relationships is like comparing the value of reading fiction and non fiction

This is true, it's a matter of personal preference. I've been in romantic relationships and found them a lot less fulfilling than engagement with my community. Everyone needs intimacy from both communities and partners, but how those balance varies widely from person to person.

What's fascinating to me about CBI is how you do it. If I see communities as vital to filling my emotional needs, I'm going to go out of the way to build them. Building a community is a little like starting a business (which is why I'm in business school)- you find something empowering and you bring people together around it. The AVEN community came together around the empowering idea of asexual identity, bands come together around the empowering idea of great music, etc. Emotionally connecting with communities isn't just nice, it's fundamentally transformative. If you want to love a community, the best way to do it is by working with that community to create amazing art or grassroots social change.

Think about what that means for a second. You've got a bunch of people "bowling alone," isolated in little pockets, struggling in romantic relationships that don't work because they don't have the community relationships required to balance them. People are lonely, frustrated, and often filling the void with bigger and bigger piles of stuff, stuff that our planet can't really afford to keep dishing out. What if you could somehow teach these people to find the intimacy that they're missing in communities? What if you could give them the skills required to see places where people's passions line up and build on them? Two very cool things would happen. First, all of that stuff and credit card debt would taper off to a manageable level. Second- there would be a massive upsurge of local theater groups, blog rings holding corporations and politicians accountable and babysitting co-ops. Everyone feels emotions towards their communities, but most people don't know how to talk about them or build on them. It would be interesting to see what would happen if we community-based asexuals got on TV and taught them to do that :)

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I've often wondered if online communities are the lazy relationships and thats why they for the most part seem so involved

If someone gets on my nerves I can ignore them, block them or even just turn off my p.c. I can't do that in real life

for those with involvement issues of any kind I can see how online communities fills that gap

as an online community we have quite a power and in aven we have that power to push asexuality even more into the ignorant mainstream

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