cantica Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Hello, I have read the FAQ and have a question. I have a long-established pattern that has meant loads of grief for myself and every partner I have ever had. When I first meet someone I experience sexual attraction and enjoy having sex for a very short time. Then very quickly my desire completely disappears, and I don't want to have sex with the person at all (or any other person), although I do crave intimacy (conversation etc.). For a long time I have been convinced that I have something wrong with my libido, and I have tried a variety of things to fix it, none of which has worked. Recently I have started to wonder if the attraction I initially feel could be some psychological mechanism to achieve intimacy with another person, (which then disappears once I have achieved the intimacy). Do you think this is a type of asexuality, or just a deficient sex drive? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
mizkitty2107 Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 You know... before I found this site I would have said "when you find the right person things will be different" but now I'm beginning to see things differently. I think you're perfectly normal...whatever that may be... Link to post Share on other sites
Vicious Trollop Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 It's hard to say. If you're unhappy with the way you feel, you might say there's a problem. But if you feel this is a normal variation of sexual desire and reach a level of comfort with it, I would definitely not say you have a deficient sex drive. Basically, I believe there's nothing wrong with desiring or not desiring sex with anyone at anytime. You should always do what you're comfortable with. There may be some underlying causes, but if it's who you are then no way is there anything wrong with you. And I don't think you have intimacy issues because like you said, you continue to desire conversational intimacy. There are all sorts of ways to express your love and desire for a person -- be honest and true to yourself in the means you choose. Anyway, I completely agree with what mizkitty said. You're completely normal, and whether or not you're asexual or any other label doesn't really matter if you're happy with how your unique sexual orientation manifests itself. Link to post Share on other sites
cantica Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 Hello, Thanks you for your responses. I guess a lot seems to ride on whether or not you feel happy with the way things are. I am not at all happy with the way things are, but that's not because I want to have sex. The problem is that I have always been in relationships with people who want to have sex, and think it's not normal that I don't want to. So sooner or later the relationship ends. In the past then I've eventually gone on to another relationship where the same things happens. But now I'm starting to think I just better stay alone forever, because I can't keep doing these failed relationships. But being alone definitely doesn't make me happy--I hate it! I think that if I had a normal sex drive that would make life so much easier, but with me after the initial burst of attraction there is just nothing. I do not want to have sex with the person at all, even though I may really enjoy their company and think they are great. I've tried to tell myself that I should force myself to do it and fake enjoyment, but I just can't. Has anyone had or heard of this same problem? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Silly Green Monkey Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 It sounds familiar, I have a vague memory of someone describing tendencies similar to yours. Unfortunately, it's too vague. Link to post Share on other sites
pejoratist Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I think your self-analyisis is spot on, actually. You crave intimacy and not sex. Makes you sound much like a type B asexual, though not one that is repulsed by sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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