Asexuality and Parents

[The A Life Team]

Hey everyone!

Here's the poll for episode 5 of 'A Life', the asexy podcast! In this episode, Alexa, Henrik and Rebecca start out talking about asexuals and their parental units and end up talking about asexuals being parents, and then move on to talking about Disney movies, Rebecca's cousins, Henrik's Dad, and just about anything else you can think of.

If you were worried we might be serious and academic, your worries are over. We hope you enjoy the podcast anyway. :)

~The A Life Team

PS. Note that the poll is multiple choice, so you can answer it differently for each parent or step-parent.

[hyenaboy]

"I've already told one or both of them, whether or not they accepted it."

"Only if they think it's relevant to their relationship or to the conversation."

I told my mom a few weeks after I discovered asexuality myself. I've learned through experience that everything I tell my mom eventually gets told to my dad, so I assumed that he knew already a little while after that. I've also mentioned it off-hand in a few conversations since then ... my whole immediate family knows now. I just like it better that way. I don't feel like I have to hide anything.

I could have probably gotten away with not telling any of them, since I do tend to date normally, and what does or doesn't go on in the bedroom remains my business and mine alone. However, someone who is aromantic may choose to divulge the information that they're asexual to get their parents off their backs about not dating. For example, I recently came into a period of my life where I don't want to date anymore, and I'm thinking that may mean I have to tell more people that I'm asexual just so that I don't have to deal with people insisting I should try dating again.

The situation is going to be different for each individual of course. :)

[Bero]

I already told my parents. I wasn't going to for a while yet, but my sister guilted me into doing it. (I was starting to try to appear more masculine and accidentally mentioned binders to my mom as part of a joke, so she was getting distressed that I was "deeply upset with the idea of being a girl," so I kind of had to tell her (partially) what was really up...) In any case, I don't really regret it, but that might just be because my parents were very accepting and just wanted me to be happy/keep an open mind if I started feeling differently later.

I recommend coming out if you think they'd take it well, but it's ultimately your choice to decide if it's relevant or not to your relationship... and as for being relevant to the conversation? Well, it's probably going to be awkward either way, so... your choice on that. =P

[cap'n shmazz]

To me, it's not that big of a deal to come out to them. Only if they were suspecting me of doing something i am not, or if it just comes up in convesation.

i think they probably have an idea, because i never was boy crazy, and when i did get a boyfriend i told then that we hadnt kissed yet and it had been 6 months.

[jmerry]

I'm at maybe when they ask/only when relevant. Since I'm not living under the same roof, they don't really need to know. If they go looking or ask me, I'm not hiding anything; otherwise, I probably won't bring it up.

[Starred]

My parents and I have a sort of understanding: my personal life is mine.

Although, my dad doesn't seem to mind that his "little girl" isn't dating, lol.

I did try to tell my mom once, though; it didn't really make sense to her.

[Lekzýs]

I think I'll likely only tell them if they actually ask "are you asexual?". I don't think the news would go down exceptionally well with them (especially not with my dad; admittedly, my mother may possibly even accept it from the start) and it would be an awkward conversation indeed were it not wholly relevant to what was already being discussed/asked.

So while I won't deny it, I'm not going to be the one to bring it up with them.

As for whether it's a good for asexuals, I think it depends entirely upon the situation/relationship they have with their parents. I think it wouldn't be a good idea if they know their parents have little-to-no chance of ever accepting it (and care about that, of course), or that bringing it up would cause undue stress/anger/worry/whatever.

But hey, people can do what they want. ^_^

[Sabriel]

I haven't discussed it with either of my parents, and I'm not sure if I'll ever find it relevant to. They already know I don't want children, and that's not because of the sex involved, it's for many other reasons, so that wouldn't bring up the conversation. Maybe when I'm older I might discuss it, I'm only 18 now, but really, what goes on in the bedroom isn't their business anyway.

Maybe the only reason I'd bring it up is if I was dating a girl and my mum knew about it, and tried to talk to me about how she thinks it's wrong (she's Christian). Maybe then I'd say 'it doesn't matter, I'm asexual' to get her off my back, even though I'd not necessarily be doing nothing sexual with the person. However, I'd probably be offended if she tried to 'cure' me of wanting to be with a woman, because I'm a huge supporter of gay/bisexual rights anyway. I don't know. I'm hoping it just never comes up, really.

[lloorren]

I actually don't know how to respond to the poll. During therapy I've invited my dad in mostly when this topic came up, and he knows I don't experience sexual pleasure, but I've never called myself asexual in front of him, I have a strong romantic drive though so idk

[kt8]

I already told one of my parents, but that was only because I wanted to go to pride, and it would've been hard for me to explain going all the way to SF for a pride parade without explaining myself. But I did it by email, and somehow, it never came up in our actual conversations... for which I am kind of grateful.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have told at all. Unless they really needed to know for some reason, or if I wanted them to know (I don't, in the case of my parents), I don't really tell anyone.

[gray_imagination]

none of the above, exactly. If it ever really comes up, I might tell my mum, but I've never known how to just tell her...and there's been no real reason too. Da died thinking I was not only sexual but had slept with my ex-boyfriend because I had gone on birth control in case it happened but never really had a reason to tell him that it didn't happen--let alone WHY.

Mum's good about accepting ME she's just not always good with accepting the labels. She's still not really good with the Aspergers diagnosis. She's fine with all of my traits, but she's not too comfortable with it being a thing. She'll be fine if I never get married or have babies, or, never have sex. But calling it something...she'd not be very keen on that.

[TheMelbourneMethod]

If it comes up in casual conversation, I'll probably tell them one day. With increased visibility, who knows, asexuals could join homosexuals and transsexuals on the list of people my mom can't stand. Then if she runs off her mouth about it -- Bam! I'll tell her. My dad I trust to be cool with almost anything I do; I might tell him next year, or when/if I get married. It could even just come up without me noticing it. He was the first to know about my expansive political opinions, most of which my mom wouldn't even consider listening to. Yay my dad! *waves flag*

[annwyl_cariad]

"Maybe when they ask me about my romantic relationships- or why I don't have any. / When they start pestering me for grandkids."

"Only if they think it's relevant to their relationship or to the conversation."

I think my parents (and my 19-year-old brother, for that matter) must have some idea about it. I'm 21 and have never had a romantic relationship, nor have I expressed any interest in pursuing one. And I always make sure to correct assumptions about "when you have kids" with "if I have kids," just like Rebecca said. Similarly with "if I get married" in response to "when you get married," although I do hope to marry someone or end up in some sort of life partnership. It makes me uncomfortable that they're making these assumptions about me, as I've flat out said I don't want kids many times, but they just keep thinking I'll change my mind when I "meet the right person." *grumbles*

But I'm not just going to bring it up out of the blue...it's awkward and kind of unnecessary, I think. If they ask, I won't be shy about it, but I'm not going to bring it up. Like Sabriel said (nice username, btw, I enjoyed those books!), what goes on in my bedroom, or doesn't go on as the case may be, is none of my parents' business.

On a completely random note, I have to stop listening to this podcast in public. You guys are too funny. I start laughing at one of Henrik's jokes or something and then realize...no one else on this bus or walking down this street is hearing what I'm hearing. They all just think I'm a crazy person. XD

[retrograde88]

My parents and I have a sort of understanding: my personal life is mine.

Although, my dad doesn't seem to mind that his "little girl" isn't dating, lol.

I did try to tell my mom once, though; it didn't really make sense to her.

it didn't make sense to my mom either, she told me that once i have sex, i'll know how great it is. ewwww.

[Tasheena]

"I've already told one or both of them, whether or not they accepted it."

"Only if they think it's relevant to their relationship or to the conversation."

I told my mom a few weeks after I discovered asexuality myself. I've learned through experience that everything I tell my mom eventually gets told to my dad, so I assumed that he knew already a little while after that. I've also mentioned it off-hand in a few conversations since then ... my whole immediate family knows now. I just like it better that way. I don't feel like I have to hide anything.

I could have probably gotten away with not telling any of them, since I do tend to date normally, and what does or doesn't go on in the bedroom remains my business and mine alone. However, someone who is aromantic may choose to divulge the information that they're asexual to get their parents off their backs about not dating. For example, I recently came into a period of my life where I don't want to date anymore, and I'm thinking that may mean I have to tell more people that I'm asexual just so that I don't have to deal with people insisting I should try dating again.

The situation is going to be different for each individual of course. :)

[Tasheena]

i told my mom after talking to a theraphist and my mom said she already knew which made talking about it easier, but i still wonder about what it means to be a sexual and how to handle that i am asexual. if you are asexual i would say that you should tell your parents if you are or not, they can give you helpful advice.

[Hayley]

I'm not really sure how to vote.... When will I tell them? If they ask, same as everybody else in my life. I don't feel that I *need* to tell anyone that I'm asexual, but if they ask or it comes up in conversation I'm happy to talk about it.

I think more asexuals should be happy to talk about their asexuality without it being a big deal.

[myk]

I told my mom, which turned out to be a mistake, since she suggested I see a psychiatrist...

[Vdougie]

I've told both my parents. My dad seems for the most part accepting, and my mom thinks I will change when I meet the right girl one day. Typical response aces get. <_<