jay williams Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 New Girl: I want to first make a disclaimer. I am 60 years old and I live 2000 miles away from you. So I am too old and too distant to be a suitable suitor. Therefore, what I am about to say is purely hypothetical. Suppose, that I did have an interest in you, and further suppose that the distance and age factors do not exist. You say you want a man who's emotionally available, romantic, wants a long term relationship, loyal, and who will respect you. That is very appealing. You also mention an interest in a sexual man and intercourse. That is a dealbreaker for me. No way could I continue to be interested in you. I am an asexual, and sexuals scare me. On the other hand, I would guess that the vast majority of men would love hearing you say you want a long term physical relationship. Jay daveb, I'm just looking for a sexual or gray asexual man who's emotional available, romantic, wants a long term relationship, loyal, and respect me. Daveb when it comes to men, outercourse and intercourse , I can't find a man who fits in the middle(gray asexual man). I don't want a man who is OBSESS with sex but i don't want a man who is 100% not obsess with sex either. I want a man who is not afraid to hug,kiss,cuddle ,engage in outer course or intercourse. I don't feel the need to act out sexually right now but if I'm in a long term committed relationship. I want some type touching via outercourse or/and intercourse in my relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 jay williams, Did you have to put your disclaimer because people are going to read your post and think I'm trying to chase you. Another point i have to make as a woman in her late 30's, you're 60 years old and so is the cute guy I'm chit chatting with on the public bus. NO! you're not too old for me. Jay the biggest problem me and my cute 60 year old guy have right now ,He wants casual sex and no commitment and i want a commitment before opening myself up to certain sexual act ( oral sex or vaginal sex). Jay when it comes to oral sex and vaginal sex, i don't know if i can act out those sexual acts. I'm fine thinking and talking about sex but acting out. I'm undecided. I need a man who is very patience with me because right now . I am undecided when it comes to acting out certain sexual act but i know one thing. I want a man who is not scared to hug, kiss,hold my hand or touch me. P.S I don't consider this cute 60 year old guy as husband material. Link to post Share on other sites
jay williams Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 jay williams, Did you have to put your disclaimer because people are going to read your post and think I'm trying to chase you. Another point i have to make as a woman in her late 30's, you're 60 years old and so is the cute guy I'm chit chatting with on the public bus. NO! you're not too old for me. Jay the biggest problem me and my cute 60 year old guy have right now ,He wants casual sex and no commitment and i want a commitment before opening myself up to certain sexual act ( oral sex or vaginal sex). Jay when it comes to oral sex and vaginal sex, i don't know if i can act out those sexual acts. I'm fine thinking and talking about sex but acting out. I'm undecided. I need a man who is very patience with me because right now . I am undecided when it comes to acting out certain sexual act but i know one thing. I want a man who is not scared to hug, kiss,hold my hand or touch me. P.S I don't consider this cute 60 year old guy as husband material. I made the desclaimer to stress that what I was saying was purely hypothetical. Sort of like IF I had some ham we could have ham and eggs IF I had some eggs... But come to think of it, You are correct that there was no need to make any disclaimer in the first place. At the same time, I don't view that people should read my post (or your post) as evidence that one of us is trying to chase the other. On the other hand, so what if it were true? Why worry about what other people are guessing? Hugging and kissing and holding and touching does not have to lead to oral sex or vaginal sex. There is a HUGE lot of activity that people can do between touching and copulation. Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Jay, Sexual men only want my vagina and asexual men think I'm toooooo "sexual" so I'm lost in the middle(nowhere to go but force singlehood) . The honest truth,I'm only chit chatting with this cute 60 year old sexual guy because the certain "attention" i get from him. I know he wants "sex" from me but i just don't believe in casual sex .This guys is giving me certain "attention"no man in my life has ever giving me so why not enjoy the attention. About the disclaimer,I didn't want you to assume i was trying to chase you . My experience,I tell men(men not interested in me) my bad luck story and these men assume that I'm after them. I know where i stand with men so i'm tried of men who are not interested in me fearing that i'm going to chase them. Thanks for the post Jay. Link to post Share on other sites
Zerick Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 I know he wants "sex" from me How do you know? I'm just curious as I am so bad at understanding people. I have thought similar things about people in my past and I over react and later find out that they only wanted nothing more friendship. As for the original poster, I have never been married. I have lived with the same girl for around 20 years. Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Zerick, Me and this guy have been chit-chatting for a year now on the public bus and 2-3 times on the phone this Fall. We've talked about me being gray asexual ,how important sex is in a relationship,his attraction and crush on me and how much he wants to have sex with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Zerick Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Zerick, Me and this guy have been chit-chatting for a year now on the public bus and 2-3 times on the phone this Fall. We've talked about me being gray asexual ,how important sex is in a relationship,his attraction and crush on me and how much he wants to have sex with me. Well at least he is direct Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Zerick, No I was the one who was direct. This guy kept dancing around the subject and i just point blank said" you want to f** me and he just laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Zerick Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 really! Sorry that made me laugh when I pictured in my head an asexual on a bus asking someone if they wanted to puck. Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 really! Sorry that made me laugh when I pictured in my head an asexual on a bus asking someone if they wanted to puck. Zerick, This conversation was on the phone but i wish i had the conversation face to face. Link to post Share on other sites
Saggia Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 really! Sorry that made me laugh when I pictured in my head an asexual on a bus asking someone if they wanted to puck. Zerick, This conversation was on the phone but i wish i had the conversation face to face. You are much more bold than I am. When I get that uncomfortable vibe I think I must give them the evil eye or something and they get the idea to back off. I wish I have the courage to say "go ahead I dare you" Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Bookbabe, I just think it's funny. He wants a casual sexual relationship with me and i 'm just fine without a oral and vaginal sex relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
jay williams Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Bookbabe, I just think it's funny. He wants a casual sexual relationship with me and i 'm just fine without a oral and vaginal sex relationship with him. Thus far I do not see a conflict with you, Newgirl, and the older guy. You don't want to marry him, and it sounds like he is not seeking marriage either. You both find each other physically attractive. He says he wants to do it, and you are not sure how far you want to go. This sounds like a fairly classic boy dates girl situation. A man must have the consent of the woman if he has sex with her. This is true even with Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant, two famously pro athletes, who were arrested and prosecuted for rape even though both athletes claimed that the women wanted sex. This is true in spite of the fact that zillions of women would agreeably throw their bodies at Tyson and Bryant. So you can date the man and see how far the dating goes. You both like outercourse I assume. If it goes beyond that it will due to the fact that you were agreeable. He has no right to go any farther than you let him. Yes he can get mad, but that does not give him any rights either. You have the right to get mad too! If your relationship never gets past outercourse, then that is as far as a lot of relationships go---even among "sexuals". My advice is don't stall, and refuse to go out with this man just because you thing that eventually there may be a sexual conflict. Few people (so far as I know) have sex on the first few dates anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Jay, Soap opera time!!!! I forgot to tell you something else to my story. Yes i enjoy the flirting with this 60 year old guy but i have feeling for another guy that I've know for 5 years. If i had my wish, i would spend the rest of my life with this other guy but he's not interested in me or settling down with women right now. Jay i want a committed long term relationship with a man not a casual or casual sex type relationship. The 60 year old guy has been there done that and he doesn't want to get married again or tied down to one woman. Jay i love the verbal sexual flirting with the 60 year old guy but the other guy(closing my eyes). The other guy it's not about verbal sexual flirting, outercourse or intercourse it's about verbal nonsexual intimacy. I'm torn : the gray asexual side of me "doesn't feel the need to act out sexually (physically)" the "sexual" side of me "DOES feel the need to act out sexually but verbally only" Link to post Share on other sites
jay williams Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Newgirl, You said: "I'm torn : the gray asexual side of me "doesn't feel the need to act out sexually (physically)" the "sexual" side of me "DOES feel the need to act out sexually but verbally only" __________________________ I guess that is a dilemma, but I thought you had otherwise said that you DID want/enjoy physical expression of hugging and touching---which does not have to involve genitals. Erotic feelings can be experienced without having sex. You said: "...other guy but he's not interested in me or settling down with women right now." If some guy is not interested in you, are you seeking the impossible? I always find that seeking the impossible gives consistent results: zeros. Link to post Share on other sites
Doorman Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I'm torn : the gray asexual side of me "doesn't feel the need to act out sexually (physically)" the "sexual" side of me "DOES feel the need to act out sexually but verbally only" We are complex little creatures arent we? I dunno what to tell you....I am just some guy on the internet after all "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." ~ Richard Bach Was just looking for a place to throw that one in....it sounds so fine :) Link to post Share on other sites
asex67 Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 I'm 42 and never married. All the men I loved were sexual and although at that time I was educated as a sexual woman, I never understood sexual interest. But for those men was important. It was therefore not possible to imagine a happy relationship. For most of time I refused even the idea to engage me in a relationship because the type of relationship proposed was not suitable to my needs. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 daveb, I'm just looking for a sexual or gray asexual man who's emotional available, romantic, wants a long term relationship, loyal, and respect me. Daveb when it comes to men, outercourse and intercourse , I can't find a man who fits in the middle(gray asexual man). I don't want a man who is OBSESS with sex but i don't want a man who is 100% not obsess with sex either. I want a man who is not afraid to hug,kiss,cuddle ,engage in outer course or intercourse. I don't feel the need to act out sexually right now but if I'm in a long term committed relationship. I want some type touching via outercourse or/and intercourse in my relationship. newgirl, I hate to say it, but this is what I've been looking for all my life and I'll be 52 next year. I believe the man I'm currently dating is asexual. He is 56 and never married (keeping this on topic to the OP's question). He is emotional, romantic, loyal, respects me, but has zero interest in sex. I really feel that I'm a Gray-A, but most men I've met want sex every day, sometimes several times a day --waaaaayyyy too much for me. Sigh. Now I've gone and made myself depressed. :( Link to post Share on other sites
4thquad Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 44, never married, never had a sexual girlfriend or any relationship that lasted more than a few months, no kids. I knew when I was a teenager that I would never marry, not by a decision, I just knew. I may post this info l8r. I would still be a virgin had I not joined the Marines at 19 and did the same things Marines do with women overseas. Ever see 'Biloxi Blues'? Even then I knew that these would be my only sexual experiences. I have been in love, twice. I never even had the idea to kiss either let alone have sex. Never dated either lady. I was enthralled with one but did not even date her. She had a boyfriend. I posed no threat. I hung to everyword she spoke and looked foward to see her every day just to talk to her, even if it was about her boyfriend. It was always about her boyfriend. Never been kissed, except for platonic friendship type of kisses. A quick smack on the lips during a new years eve party from the girlfriend of a friend because I was the only one there who did not have anyone to kiss. Don't know why I writing this. Guess I'm in a downer mood. Link to post Share on other sites
jay williams Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 daveb, I'm just looking for a sexual or gray asexual man who's emotional available, romantic, wants a long term relationship, loyal, and respect me. Daveb when it comes to men, outercourse and intercourse , I can't find a man who fits in the middle(gray asexual man). I don't want a man who is OBSESS with sex but i don't want a man who is 100% not obsess with sex either. I want a man who is not afraid to hug,kiss,cuddle ,engage in outer course or intercourse. I don't feel the need to act out sexually right now but if I'm in a long term committed relationship. I want some type touching via outercourse or/and intercourse in my relationship. newgirl, I hate to say it, but this is what I've been looking for all my life and I'll be 52 next year. I believe the man I'm currently dating is asexual. He is 56 and never married (keeping this on topic to the OP's question). He is emotional, romantic, loyal, respects me, but has zero interest in sex. I really feel that I'm a Gray-A, but most men I've met want sex every day, sometimes several times a day --waaaaayyyy too much for me. Sigh. Now I've gone and made myself depressed. :( So where did the 2 of you find each other? That man is a lucky guy to have found you, or are you saying that he is not suitable because his interest in sex is zero---and ideally needs to be higher than zero? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 daveb, I'm just looking for a sexual or gray asexual man who's emotional available, romantic, wants a long term relationship, loyal, and respect me. Daveb when it comes to men, outercourse and intercourse , I can't find a man who fits in the middle(gray asexual man). I don't want a man who is OBSESS with sex but i don't want a man who is 100% not obsess with sex either. I want a man who is not afraid to hug,kiss,cuddle ,engage in outer course or intercourse. I don't feel the need to act out sexually right now but if I'm in a long term committed relationship. I want some type touching via outercourse or/and intercourse in my relationship. newgirl, I hate to say it, but this is what I've been looking for all my life and I'll be 52 next year. I believe the man I'm currently dating is asexual. He is 56 and never married (keeping this on topic to the OP's question). He is emotional, romantic, loyal, respects me, but has zero interest in sex. I really feel that I'm a Gray-A, but most men I've met want sex every day, sometimes several times a day --waaaaayyyy too much for me. Sigh. Now I've gone and made myself depressed. :( So where did the 2 of you find each other? That man is a lucky guy to have found you, or are you saying that he is not suitable because his interest in sex is zero---and ideally needs to be higher than zero? Jay, yes ideally I would prefer some sex. My guy and I are currently working on our relationship. The bigger problem I think is the distance between us (I'm in the U.S.; he is in Canada). Seeing someone twice a year is rough for me since I crave touch and companionship. Link to post Share on other sites
< retired > Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I've never been married - so far no regrets. IMO, it's better to be underinvested rather than poorly invested. Marriage seems like an antiquated institution to me, in any case. Some nice quotes from the American humorist and satirist Ambrose Bierce: HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. MARRIAGE, n: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Get Bierce's book The Devil's Dictionary for full exposure to his wit. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bierce :) Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 I still don't see the difference between being married and living with someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life wiht- other than the legal rights. So it's always weird to see romantic asexuals decrying marriage as horrible and outdated while wishing they could find someone to spend the rest of their life with. Uh... Link to post Share on other sites
Wicked Freemartin Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I'm in my late 30's. Never been married, engaged or lived with anyone. My parents have been married for over 40 years and growing up in that environment has filled me with a holy terror of ever being legally manacled to another human being. I live alone by choice and hope I can continue to afford to do so till the end of my days. -Wicked Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Newgirl,You said: "I'm torn : the gray asexual side of me "doesn't feel the need to act out sexually (physically)" the "sexual" side of me "DOES feel the need to act out sexually but verbally only" __________________________ I guess that is a dilemma, but I thought you had otherwise said that you DID want/enjoy physical expression of hugging and touching---which does not have to involve genitals. Erotic feelings can be experienced without having sex. You said: "...other guy but he's not interested in me or settling down with women right now." If some guy is not interested in you, are you seeking the impossible? I always find that seeking the impossible gives consistent results: zeros. Jay, Sexual men want intercourse only from me and asexual men want nothing to do with me because i'm "too sexual".I'm force to be alone so it's time for me to face reality. Link to post Share on other sites
jay williams Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Newgirl,You said: "I'm torn : the gray asexual side of me "doesn't feel the need to act out sexually (physically)" the "sexual" side of me "DOES feel the need to act out sexually but verbally only" __________________________ I guess that is a dilemma, but I thought you had otherwise said that you DID want/enjoy physical expression of hugging and touching---which does not have to involve genitals. Erotic feelings can be experienced without having sex. You said: "...other guy but he's not interested in me or settling down with women right now." If some guy is not interested in you, are you seeking the impossible? I always find that seeking the impossible gives consistent results: zeros. Jay, Sexual men want intercourse only from me and asexual men want nothing to do with me because i'm "too sexual".I'm force to be alone so it's time for me to face reality. Newgirl, I think you need to kick back and enjoy what YOU want. Lots of men would regard you as a tease, a woman who teases guys but won't let them have the the big sexual prize of intercourse. But wait, there are tens of thousands of guys who love teases. They love the dynamics of the fact that you, the lady, have all the power to turn them on and to keep them begging to be erotically satiated. There are lots of websites devoted to those who seek other than "vanilla" sexual relationships. "Vanilla" sex is what you don't want, so you can fit right in. Granted, there are plenty who are into really weird stuff, but you can tell those guys to forget whatever fetishes they seek if too weird for you. But the point is that you can find your lover (or lovers) and enjoy---I have no doubt. In short, you are seeking an "alt relationship", and you are not alone. Far from it. Jay Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 jay williams, While "dating", I want mainly verbal intimacy from a man not outercourse or intercourse. Yes i would like to try outercourse or maybe intercourse down the road but for now, I want nonsexual or sexual verbal intimacy. I have 2 sexual men in my life who say they're attracted to me but I'm not getting the verbal intimacy i crave. These men rather focus on the physical then verbal intimacy Link to post Share on other sites
jay williams Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 jay williams, While "dating", I want mainly verbal intimacy from a man not outercourse or intercourse. Yes i would like to try outercourse or maybe intercourse down the road but for now, I want nonsexual or sexual verbal intimacy. I have 2 sexual men in my life who say they're attracted to me but I'm not getting the verbal intimacy i crave. These men rather focus on the physical then verbal intimacy What do you mean by vernbal intimacy? Romantic words of endearment, such as "I love you"? Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 jay williams, As an introvert, I LOVE in depth conversation with people and I can't stand chit chat. jay williams,I need people to stimulate my brain verbally. Link to post Share on other sites
jay williams Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 jay williams, As an introvert, I LOVE in depth conversation with people and I can't stand chit chat. jay williams,I need people to stimulate my brain verbally. So tell them: if they want to turn you on they have to tickle your brain. Link to post Share on other sites
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