Frustrated!

[Gillydar]

I'm the sexual partner in a relationship with an asexual. We're both FTM trans guys, we're both 20 and we live in NZ. We've been together for coming up on two years, and we've been spectacularly happy for most of that time. We've never argued, and we always seem to handle whatever life throws at us (and believe me, it never fails to throw something our way!); don't get me wrong, I do "get" the whole asexuality deal, and we're very open and talk about anything and everything (most of the time), but after being together for what seems like so long, it's starting to wear on me, my feelings of self worth and our relationship.

The problem is the fact that his asexuality seems to hold precedence and importance over my sexuality - that his lack of need for sex overrules my need for it, and that's that.

It's getting to the point where I feel guilty or anxious about asking for any kind of physical intimacy from him at all, which winds up weighing even more on me, because I think I need that intimate aspect in our relationship to feel loved and fulfilled and et cetera. Sex is obviously not the most primarily important aspect of our relationship - far from it - but despite everything else going so well, this is really starting to put a strain on us - on me. I understand that my partner's asexuality really has little to do with me, but the irrational part of me is so easily convinced otherwise...

Theoretically, we should be coming to some kind of compromise, right? Except, I don't want to "force" him to have sex with me, or for him to treat it as a chore or obligatory practice, and he doesn't want sex because he's asexual.

So we're effectively at a stalemate...

We've spoken about things at length, but no matter what we just end up chasing our tails... Here's what he has to say:

I'm the asexual partner in this relationship, and I really feel bad for the pain I am causing my partner, but honestly, I just don't get the sexual thing. At the beginning of the relationship, it seemed to be going fine, to be honest, when we weren't at it, it was when we were sleeping. But I don't think I ever felt what he did, I understood he felt good and that I made it happen through what we were doing, I just couldn't get there myself. And haven't ever. It's not that I don't want to, or for lack of trying, but I guess I'm just not wired that way. Even growing up, as a teenager, raging hormones and all, you're typically supposed to feel urges and stuff aren't you? Hence the risk of teen pregnancy and all these parents worrying because their boys and girls are all grown up and going at it. But I never ever thought about that stuff. I have never masturbated, tried once or twice but felt weird because nothing was happening and wondered why the hell anyone would do it to themselves, especially some who do it very often.

I love my partner so much, and I can't stand hurting him, but he said I shouldn't do anything sexual if I didn't want to or was only doing it because I thought I had to, I don't want the sex to be obligatory or a chore either, but because of my lack of desire and need for it, whenever he suggests, or hints at things, my heart sinks because I have to deny him to save myself engaging in something that is probably going to be forced, and I don't like doing things when I'm not as aroused by it as he is, it feels wrong, like I'm telling him I don't love him or that he isn't good, which where I guess the sexuals get the feeling from when their partner looks blank or...whatever.

Basically, I'm lost, confused and guilty for causing pain when I'm pretty much oblivious to it...

I think this wound up being a bit of a venting session for both of us... any advice would be so hugely appreciated :)

[Olivier]

In any relationship with a desire mismatch, the partner with lower desire has a greater degree of control over the terms of the compromise. By not consenting and/or not initiating, they can unilaterally shift things towards their preferred state of affairs. The high desire partner has no such ability. They can't unilaterally move the relationship towards more sex, they need at every stage the consent of their partner, and even pressure to move the compromise can act as relationship poison.

So the lower desire partner needs to be aware of this dynamic, and use the control that consent gives them over the sexual side of the relationship compassionately and wisely. I can't really see that the higher desire partner can do much other than be patient, honest about how the situation affects them but not pressuring (a potential tightrope), and accommodating, and the lower desire partner needs to be compassionate, honest about how they feel, generous, and to work on being vigilant to things that might otherwise slip past their radar.