Asexuals and Sexual Jealousy?

[patient_husband]

My wife and I recently found this site and discovered the concept of asexuality. We are now fairly certain that she is asexual woman married to a sexual man.

In many ways this came as a relief. There is nothing “wrong” with her or our marriage. For years we were told it was a lack of trust or communication or intimacy between us, or that she had been molested as a child or had a hormone imbalance. None of this is the case. After feeling very alone this predicament it is good to read story after story of married couples with similar experiences. I can also stop feeling like less of a man because my wife isn't into sex.

It is also depressing, particularly for me. My wife will likely be asexual her whole life. We had both been hoping that she might find some “sexual awakening” that could “fix” our incompatibility. I am beginning to accept that if she is asexual this isn't going to happen. I am a very sexual person, and realizing my soulmate is asexual makes me feel a bit hopeless.

The only solution that presents itself to my mind is that I could seek sex outside of our relationship. When we discuss this my wife becomes upset, although she has trouble articulating why. How can someone who has no sexual feelings at all can still feel sexual jealousy?

A little about us: My wife and I married because we are best friends and soulmates. Like a lot of married asexuals here she never had a serious relationship before me so her asexuality was never an issue. We both mistook her strong attraction and love for me to be evidence that she sexually desired me. We do have sex. She can do the mechanics of sex, but she gets no enjoyment from it or has any desire for it. At first we thought it was a sexual hangup from her very religious upbringing and she would grow comfortable with sex in a loving marriage, but after 6 years of an otherwise amazing marriage we are no closer sexually than on day one. We tried doctors and sex therapists without any effect.

I love my wife more than anyone else in the world. She is the kindest, most beautiful, smartest person I know. I can accept her as she is, and I will love her till the day I die. But I don't know what to do with my own sexuality. Right now I feel hopeless and very alone. My wife gives me “gift sex” when she can tell I am getting desperate, but the purely physical act lacks any erotic connection and isn't really satisfying to either of us.

Our marriage has taught me the difference between love and sex. I am very confident I could have an erotic connection outside our relationship without betraying the unique bond between us. I would never “cheat” and do something behind my wife's back, but I wish we could open our marriage in an honest and open way. Of course, any erotic connection would have some romantic element, but it could would only be tiny in comparison to the immense love I have for my wife. She admits she isn't afraid of losing me or me finding a deeper connection with another woman. She feels jealous. How can someone be so possessive with something they don't care about at all?

Reading these forums I see that she isn't the only asexual in a relationship that feels this way. It appears that the general opinion here would be more in favor of us divorcing that having a non-monogamous marriage. Others will likely tell me I have to decide between sex and love because I will never have both. This makes no sense to me!

I love my wife and would never leave her, but I cannot live the rest of my life this way! I am very patient and can wait a long time for what I need, but I'm not sure I can keep going if it will never happen at all. Realizing that she will never become a sexual person has been devastating to me.

I have accepted that my soulmate is asexual, but I cannot just kill off my sexual nature because of her. Right now my only glimmer of hope is that she will eventually come around to accept me finding occasional sexual connections elsewhere. We have been living with this all six years of our marriage, but we are only just beginning to understand asexuality. I am hoping that her sexual jealousy might be a vestige of her strict religious upbringing that will mellow over the years. It may be a long shot but I need some hope to hold on to.

Is this a reasonable hope? Or is sexual jealousy something that doesn't every go away for an asexual? I would love to hear from other sexuals/asexuals in committed relationships.

[Sally]

I think that jealousy is the fear of losing something. You may feel certain that your emotional/love relationship with your wife wouldn't change if you had a strictly sexual relationship with someone else. However, even if it were strictly sex, you would be spending time with that person, away from marriage and your wife, and she would know that you are enjoying something with that person that isn't possible with her. She probably also knows that no one can be certain -- you can't -- that that sexual relationship could turn into an emotional relationship. It's hard for a sexual to separate love and sex. I'm sure she knows that.

Those are reason why your wife feels uncertainty about this idea as a possible fix to your joint problem. That's not to say it wouldn't work, just that those elements have to be seriously considered by both of you.

Good luck.

[Guest Heligan]

What Sally said!

But I do feel for your situation, and I suppose if it is truly unliveable or becomes so... then this gamble could put off what might come sooner otherwise. With the way your wife feels though it might not be that simple, jealousy causes arguments and they can destroys relationships...

I think its the fact you admit there would have to be some romantic connection that really introduces the fear of slipping into love with the person you have sex with. If you were just seeing prostitutes it might be less of a jealousy issue.

I dont think there is any easy answer to this one...

[AVENCakes]

I am very confident I could have an erotic connection outside our relationship without betraying the unique bond between us. I would never “cheat” and do something behind my wife's back, but I wish we could open our marriage in an honest and open way. Of course, any erotic connection would have some romantic element, but it could would only be tiny in comparison to the immense love I have for my wife. She admits she isn't afraid of losing me or me finding a deeper connection with another woman. She feels jealous. How can someone be so possessive with something they don't care about at all?

She doesn't care about sex in the sense that she doesn't want it, but most asexuals are well aware that sex is the "greatest expression of love" for sexuals. She can't give you that, of course she's jealous that some other woman can fulfill your needs better than she can!

You've already said that the relationship would have a romantic element. Even if it started out tiny, love can grow- and often will. Love can also die. If you get (un)lucky and find that person who lets you have love and sex in one relationship, you never know if you'll end up loving the new person more than her.

Reading these forums I see that she isn't the only asexual in a relationship that feels this way. It appears that the general opinion here would be more in favor of us divorcing that having a non-monogamous marriage. Others will likely tell me I have to decide between sex and love because I will never have both. This makes no sense to me!

There are asexuals who are okay with non-monogamy, but we're no more likely to be okay with it than a sexual.

If you're wife isn't okay iwth it, it's not an option- there's no real way around that. You could try and get her to agree to it, but unless she's comfortable with the idea, it'll end in disaster. If there is a possibility she'd be comfortable with it, it'd take a great deal of responsibility on your part, as well as hers.

[patient_husband]

RDRaconis: She doesn't care about sex in the sense that she doesn't want it, but most asexuals are well aware that sex is the "greatest expression of love" for sexuals. She can't give you that, of course she's jealous that some other woman can fulfill your needs better than she can!

The greatest expression of love for a sexual or asexual is committing your whole life to someone. We have both made that expression and take it seriously.

Sexuality can be a loving expression but it can also be a normal human interaction between sexual people. My wife knows I'm not some starry-eyed teenager who is going to convince himself he is in love just because he got laid. I think I have a pretty mature understanding of the difference between sex and love. Nor would I have a relationship with any woman who couldn't respect that my wife is the most important woman in my life.

Sally: I think that jealousy is the fear of losing something. You may feel certain that your emotional/love relationship with your wife wouldn't change if you had a strictly sexual relationship with someone else. However, even if it were strictly sex, you would be spending time with that person, away from marriage and your wife, and she would know that you are enjoying something with that person that isn't possible with her.

A lot of people in committed relationships have things they enjoy separately from their spouse. My wife likes classical music. I like backpacking. I have gone to concerts with her but it usually does nothing for me. She went backpacking with me once and isn't interested in going again. If I went backpacking every weekend or she went to classical concerts every night it might be a problem, but for either of us to enjoy these activities occasionally with others who like them too seems healthy and proper for us. Just because we are soulmates doesn't mean we are supposed to destroy our individual interests that the other doesn't share.

To tell your spouse that they may never participate in an activity away from you just because you don't enjoy it seems less loving and more manipulative.

[< retired >]

Your wife is in a bit of bind if she goes along with the idea of extra-marital recreation for you in order to satisfy your physical needs:

(1) if she is completely in the dark as to what you're doing (except for the fact that you're doing it), then this creates a big, black hole in the center of your relationship;

(2) if she knows every tiny last detail of what you're doing (who, what, when, where, to what extent, etc.), then this creates a big, black hole in center of your relationship.

The two holes are of a very different kind, but they're still holes.

The counter-argument to the above analysis is to point out there's already a hole in your relationship, but it's a hole for you, not her. So .. it seems that one or the other of you has to deal with a hole. It would be nice if there was some way for you and your wife to equally share the load, but it's not apparent how to do this.

Good luck! :)

[Olivier]

Part of our successful compromise involves reshaping the times when we're not having sex to be more sex-positive without actually changing how often we have sex. Two weeks of mutual flirtation followed by sex is a universe away from two weeks of pleading and rejection followed by sex.

Also, sex for us has become more lighthearted since we both fully accepted that what we both do in search of a compromise is somewhat ridiculous to both of us. Sex as a shared passion doesn't work for us, as we don't both share the passion, but sex as almost an in-joke means we can both enjoy it, just in a different way.

For all sorts of reasons, including but not only jealousy, sex outside the relationship isn't an attractive solution for either my wife or myself.

[Hallucigenia]

(Post edited.)

[AVENCakes]

The greatest expression of love for a sexual or asexual is committing your whole life to someone. We have both made that expression and take it seriously.

I'm not saying that your wife consciously believes that sex is greater what you two have, but a lot of times people can know something without believing it, and it can be hard to change that. It's not through any fault, it isn't that she thinks you're lying- but it can hard to be brought up learning that sex is what 2 loving people do, to've spent so long thinking there's a way to fix this, it can be hard to do a 180 and believe that it's no big deal that she can't have sex and it's totally okay for you to have sex with other people, it doesn't detract from her.

A lot of things can be going on here. First- if she's only just now accepting hte asexual label, she probably isn't comfortable with it. A part of her might still hope to find a solution, and you asking to date other people feels like you're giving up on it, and it also cements that she'll never find a way to get that magic cure she's been searching for so long. She's probably mourning that loss right now. I don't know what you think she's going through, but she's probably mourning the fact that hse'll never be able to truly make love to you and there's ntohing she can do about it- and a bit of her might feel relieved that she doesn't have to, which she might feel bad or guilty about.

And do not forget that some people just can't be happy with a polyamorous partner. I'm married to someone like that, they've known about polyamory longer than I have, accept it fully, and dont' see anything wrong with it- but they just couldn't date someone who was dating someone else, there's no way for it to work and them to be happy. That's just the way some people are. So if you do try and work on your wife's insecurities with her- make sure you know that it might all be for naught.

Just because we are soulmates doesn't mean we are supposed to destroy our individual interests that the other doesn't share.

But being in a relationship is a mutual interest. In a sense, having sex is also a mutual interest- if it wasn't, she wouldn't've spent so long trying to find a way to enjoy it. You aren't getting a backpacking buddy, you're getting a girlfriend who can be something she's spent a very long time trying to be and failed at.

[patient_husband]

When it comes to Jealousy I should probably explain my own perspective:

I'm just not a jealous person. I'm not sure if I've even felt jealousy. I can understand the fear of losing something I hold dear, but the "other fears" in jealousy just don't make sense to me. If asexuals can have no natural sex drive then I probably have no natural tendency toward jealousy.

My wife is a beautiful woman. Men often notice her in public. She has a beauty and magnetism that draws people to her even if she isn't interested. I know men with beautiful wives that go a bit nuts with jealousy when other men look at them. I never understood that. I appreciate the fact that others find her so attractive and as long as no one is rude to her I don't mind that they notice. I'm just proud to be the man she loves.

Although my wife is likely asexual she still has romantic inclinations. A few years back she developed a small crush on a married male coworker who was also attracted to her. She told me and expected I would be angry. I wasn't at all. I thought the whole thing was kind of cute. I didn't mind that they enjoyed each others company and felt some harmless attraction. I wasn't worried that the unique connection we have in our marriage was at any risk of being damaged.

My wife says my lack of jealousy comes from knowing that she would never have sex with anyone else. I don't think this is the case. First of all, I value relational intimacy more than sex (evidenced by six years of great marriage to an asexual woman) so I don't see why her inability to form a sexual connection would make me less likely to be jealous at an emotional connection. Secondly, I have always been a non-possessive person. This was the case in relationships with sexual women I dated. I have always been willing to share my friendships, my home, my belongings with others as long as there was no threat that what was dear to me would be destroyed by the sharing. Jealousy that isn't a legitimate fear of loss has struck me as a bit selfish and childish, like my child who cries when other kids get near his toys.

Now I didn't ever think the same way about sex as I did the other relationships and things in my life. Moral education taught me that sex was unique connection between a couple that should not be shared with others. Accepting this logic I expected a life of monogamy. My wife and I gradually realized that she is asexual. Rather than a special connection between us, sex is the only awkward and frustrating thing in our life. This seems to remove the reasons I was taught for monogamy. If sex is just a thing like any other thing then why should we be jealous about it?

So we are at a bit of a bind: a wife who can't feel sexual desire with a husband who cannot feel jealousy. We are trying to make this work as hard as we can. It's not like I'm out campaigning to have girlfriends. I am very sexual, but also very patient.

I just feel like I'm caught in a web of emotions (asexuality, jealousy) that make no sense to me.

[Guest Heligan]

When it comes to Jealousy I should probably explain my own perspective:

I'm just not a jealous person. I'm not sure if I've even felt jealousy. I can understand the fear of losing something I hold dear, but the "other fears" in jealousy just don't make sense to me. If asexuals can have no natural sex drive then I probably have no natural tendency toward jealousy.

My wife is a beautiful woman. Men often notice her in public. She has a beauty and magnetism that draws people to her even if she isn't interested. I know men with beautiful wives that go a bit nuts with jealousy when other men look at them. I never understood that. I appreciate the fact that others find her so attractive and as long as no one is rude to her I don't mind that they notice. I'm just proud to be the man she loves.

Although my wife is likely asexual she still has romantic inclinations. A few years back she developed a small crush on a married male coworker who was also attracted to her. She told me and expected I would be angry. I wasn't at all. I thought the whole thing was kind of cute. I didn't mind that they enjoyed each others company and felt some harmless attraction. I wasn't worried that the unique connection we have in our marriage was at any risk of being damaged.

My wife says my lack of jealousy comes from knowing that she would never have sex with anyone else. I don't think this is the case. First of all, I value relational intimacy more than sex (evidenced by six years of great marriage to an asexual woman) so I don't see why her inability to form a sexual connection would make me less likely to be jealous at an emotional connection. Secondly, I have always been a non-possessive person. This was the case in relationships with sexual women I dated. I have always been willing to share my friendships, my home, my belongings with others as long as there was no threat that what was dear to me would be destroyed by the sharing. Jealousy that isn't a legitimate fear of loss has struck me as a bit selfish and childish, like my child who cries when other kids get near his toys.

Now I didn't ever think the same way about sex as I did the other relationships and things in my life. Moral education taught me that sex was unique connection between a couple that should not be shared with others. Accepting this logic I expected a life of monogamy. My wife and I gradually realized that she is asexual. Rather than a special connection between us, sex is the only awkward and frustrating thing in our life. This seems to remove the reasons I was taught for monogamy. If sex is just a thing like any other thing then why should we be jealous about it?

So we are at a bit of a bind: a wife who can't feel sexual desire with a husband who cannot feel jealousy. We are trying to make this work as hard as we can. It's not like I'm out campaigning to have girlfriends. I am very sexual, but also very patient.

I just feel like I'm caught in a web of emotions (asexuality, jealousy) that make no sense to me.

I also dont get the jealousy thing, as I have never felt it myself either... as you say as long as there is no threat of destruction, it doesnt seem a legfitimate fear, sharing seems fine.

But in relationships even if there is fear of destruction, I find myself starting to wonder why I value such a fickle fragile thing in that case; maybe I would be better off without it... maybe I seriously misjudged what I loved and therefore need to reassess the love.

That said I dont think your wifes position is insane or anything, or impossible to feel empathy for. She has this fear (albeit one you dont understand- and its root is love for you), there is nothing rational she can say to herself to get rid of this emotion, its just not that kind of a thing.

I get that its frustrating to be hit with all this stuff you dont get, no sexual attraction, and jealousy.... but its going to be equally annoying for her; that you continually appear to be arguing that how she feels is wrong. i.e. she should feel sexual attraction, or she should not be jealous. Maybe she simply cant help these things, and if that is the case that is the position you should start from, not some utopian ideal where she can change her emotions.

Im not trying to be harsh, its just reality needs to be faced... both of you need to say exactly what you feel, where you can or cant compromise, and look realistically at the potential of an outcome you can live with. If there is no solution, then it might be best to skip the screaming at each other to be different people and just let go, maybe some sort of friendship can be salvaged from that.

[AVENCakes]

Just as there are people who are naturally jealous to an irrational, even violent point, there are those who aren't jealous at all. I have a nasty green-eyed monster, and no real reason for it- even when I'm well aware of the fact that what others have doesn't detract from what I have, I'm still extremely envious.

You are in a difficult spot- you need to find a way to understand her side, and need to find a way to help her understand yours, both of you need to do this. As long as you two are on different grounds, it'll be hard to really get to a point where you both see eye to eye and work to establish it. You both need to be able to look into your hearts and truly understand how you feel, what you need, and what you are and aren't willing to give and what you are and aren't willing to go without. And then you need to be able to truly communicate it- she needs to understand your words and you need to understand hers.

[Fricai]

A lot of people in committed relationships have things they enjoy separately from their spouse. My wife likes classical music. I like backpacking. I have gone to concerts with her but it usually does nothing for me. She went backpacking with me once and isn't interested in going again. If I went backpacking every weekend or she went to classical concerts every night it might be a problem, but for either of us to enjoy these activities occasionally with others who like them too seems healthy and proper for us. Just because we are soulmates doesn't mean we are supposed to destroy our individual interests that the other doesn't share.

Concluding in two words:

right palm

[patient_husband]

Concluding in two words:

right palm

Not to be disrespectful, but are you serious?

Masturbating may ease the physical tension, but it isn't sexual connection and does nothing for the underlying problem. Reading these forums I've seen this come up again and again. Asexuals suggest masturbation will solve sexual spouse's problems. I suppose it may make sense if you don't have sexual desire. My wife sometimes suggests the same thing. She seems unable to comprehend that my sexuality consists of more than a need to have an orgasm.

To a sexual the "take care of it with your hand" solution makes about as much sense as telling someone "You don't need friends. You can just talk to yourself"

[Pamcakes]

Or "you should be happy living on bread and water, because food is just fuel".

P.

[loving_partner]

Concluding in two words:

right palm

Not to be disrespectful, but are you serious?

Masturbating may ease the physical tension, but it isn't sexual connection and does nothing for the underlying problem. Reading these forums I've seen this come up again and again. Asexuals suggest masturbation will solve sexual spouse's problems. I suppose it may make sense if you don't have sexual desire. My wife sometimes suggests the same thing. She seems unable to comprehend that my sexuality consists of more than a need to have an orgasm.

To a sexual the "take care of it with your hand" solution makes about as much sense as telling someone "You don't need friends. You can just talk to yourself"

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I'm another sexual man deeply in love with his asexual wife and trying to find some way to work it out.

I can hope that the previous poster was joking, but I think more likely is that they don't understand. Masturbation is fine if all you need is a quick physical release, but it's completely unsatisfying emotionally. There is a strong need for emotional bonding that is part of sexuality. It's not all one thing or the other - never just pure physical lust or deep emotional need - it's all mixed in together and impossible to completely separate. Not feeling that need, some people don't understand how damaging it can be to your own emotional well-being to constantly deny it.

Sally made a very good point. If you open up to sexual and emotional relations with some other woman, that may lead to a "black hole" of jealousy and self-blame for your wife. You have a need that she wants to fulfill but can't, and you're developing a relationship with someone else who can. My wife is afraid of being "replaced", or that I will love someone who isn't "broken" (her words) more than I love her. But Sally also saw the other side of the coin - there's already a "black hole" in the relationship caused by your unfulfilled emotional needs.

Masturbation doesn't fill that emotional hole. Cold, distant sex with your wife doesn't fill it. If anything, these make what's missing emotionally even more obvious. It's easy for your wife to ignore that hole or think that it's not important - not because she doesn't love you, but because she's never felt that and doesn't understand it, and so it's hard to empathize with you.

I don't have any answers for you - I'm in the same place you are. Right now I find that it's hard to talk about these things with my wife because every conversation on the subject of sex dredges up horrible feelings she has about herself. So it's very slow going, and inertia generally wins. But we'll get somewhere, eventually.

[Olivier]

On the "why don't you just masturbate?" thing: there's so much wrong with that, as others have pointed out, that my wife and I have explicitly agreed that it never be said again in our marriage. I don't think it ever led to anything better than disastrous.

[Fricai]

Wow! Indeed, I didn't understand. These few last posts were greatly enlightening. Thanks 'patient_husband' and 'loving_partner'.

I think I understand the problem a lot better now! :)

I'll try to refrain from the "why don't you"-thing.

[Olivier]

I actually think there is one positive from the whole "why don't you just masturbate?" thing.

Asexuals often complain that sexuals just don't get they can have a libido, and masturbate, but still not want partnered sex. I know I found that hard to get my head around at first. Well this is the same but from the other angle: masturbation =/= partnered sex for sexuals, too. The difference is somewhat the same for us, it's just that our orientation causes our preference to be opposite.

It's not often that sexuals are faced with people who just don't share a key perspective of their orientation, and it's probably a useful insight as to how asexuals feel when faced with these sorts of misunderstandings on a far more frequent basis.

[mad_scientist]

Concluding in two words:

right palm

Not to be disrespectful, but are you serious?

Masturbating may ease the physical tension, but it isn't sexual connection and does nothing for the underlying problem. Reading these forums I've seen this come up again and again. Asexuals suggest masturbation will solve sexual spouse's problems. I suppose it may make sense if you don't have sexual desire. My wife sometimes suggests the same thing. She seems unable to comprehend that my sexuality consists of more than a need to have an orgasm.

To a sexual the "take care of it with your hand" solution makes about as much sense as telling someone "You don't need friends. You can just talk to yourself"

And that difference between masturbation and sex? That connection?

That's the special thing that your wife can't share with you and doesn't want somebody else replacing her in. That sort of connection is an excellent home for jealousy.

As far as the comment itself goes, though, I'm confused that it even came up here... apart from those without any sex drive, normally it's asexuals who have to explain the masturbation =/= sex thing. I think it's even in the AVEN pamphlets.

[Galen]

I do not know the answer either, the last few months it seems I spend a lot of time reading review of local prostitutes etc... looking for a Girl Friend Experience. I don't even think I really want the sex as much as the feeling of being desired, even if it is false. Though I also want to believe that the reviews I read are of girls who can enjoy it so desire for me would not be only "acting".

There are sexual experiences I will never get here at home and which I desire to try. I have talked to my therapist about it, but I don't believe he understands my real dilemma.

My wife would not be accepting of any outside sex, so I haven't pursued it (at this time) for the risk to our relationship would be too great. It would be great if she understood the desires and would work more with me one way or the other.

We have been married 19years and it is only recently that I truly realized that her lack of sexual desire for me was not personal.

[SexualHubby]

Galen, I feel your pain- 22 years here and the same thing but it's gotten to the point of maybe me leaving because of our sexual differences.

[loving_partner]

And that difference between masturbation and sex? That connection?

That's the special thing that your wife can't share with you and doesn't want somebody else replacing her in. That sort of connection is an excellent home for jealousy.

And I know she doesn't mean it like this, but that's kind of like saying: "If I can't have it, neither can you."

[AVENCakes]

And I know she doesn't mean it like this, but that's kind of like saying: "If I can't have it, neither can you."

I don't think you've actually said how she feels about being asexual. Does she even use that label for herself? Is she relieved, dissappointed, what? In your OP you said "At first we thought it was a sexual hangup from her very religious upbringing and she would grow comfortable with sex in a loving marriage, but after 6 years of an otherwise amazing marriage we are no closer sexually than on day one. We tried doctors and sex therapists without any effect." Was that because she wants to be sexual, or because she wants to make you happy?

Really... How does she feel about this? That's a giant thing about this. If she isn't happy asexual, she's not going to be happy that all you can say is "Hey, I can get sex from anyone- I don't have to suffer with you", which could be what she hears when you want to go elsewhere.

[SexualHubby]

Anyone (asexual or not) who is not able to fulfill something with their spouse is going to feel jealousy if their spouse decides to have someone else fulfill that something- I think that's just human nature.

[loving_partner]

And I know she doesn't mean it like this, but that's kind of like saying: "If I can't have it, neither can you."

I don't think you've actually said how she feels about being asexual. Does she even use that label for herself? Is she relieved, dissappointed, what? In your OP you said "At first we thought it was a sexual hangup from her very religious upbringing and she would grow comfortable with sex in a loving marriage, but after 6 years of an otherwise amazing marriage we are no closer sexually than on day one. We tried doctors and sex therapists without any effect." Was that because she wants to be sexual, or because she wants to make you happy?

Really... How does she feel about this? That's a giant thing about this. If she isn't happy asexual, she's not going to be happy that all you can say is "Hey, I can get sex from anyone- I don't have to suffer with you", which could be what she hears when you want to go elsewhere.

I think there's slight confusion here - I'm not the OP, and that's not my story.

If you're asking me, my wife isn't sure whether she identifies as asexual. She's avoiding it, I think - the implications are tough to face. She's said that she doesn't want to be asexual, that she wants therapy and want to be "cured". But she doesn't follow through, and honestly seems much happier if the subject of sex just never comes up. I feel like she's playing ostrich right now, hiding her head in the sand and hoping that I'll forget about this whole "sex" thing. I've told her again and again that I accept her how she is, no matter what that is, and that I love her and that I don't want to leave. But if she does truly feel that she is asexual then we will have to face that and figure out how we're going to live with that big difference in desire/orientation/whatever. And if she doesn't feel that she is asexual then we have to face that as well, find out what the problem is and deal with it.

That's the thing - happy or not happy, you are who you are and you have to deal with that. Hiding from things doesn't make them go away. And expecting that I won't want sex anymore because she doesn't isn't any more fair or realistic than expecting that she will want it because I do.

[patient_husband]

QUOTE (loving_partner @ Sep 26 2009, 06:04 PM) *

And I know she doesn't mean it like this, but that's kind of like saying: "If I can't have it, neither can you."

I don't think you've actually said how she feels about being asexual. Does she even use that label for herself? Is she relieved, dissappointed, what? In your OP you said "At first we thought it was a sexual hangup from her very religious upbringing and she would grow comfortable with sex in a loving marriage, but after 6 years of an otherwise amazing marriage we are no closer sexually than on day one. We tried doctors and sex therapists without any effect." Was that because she wants to be sexual, or because she wants to make you happy?

Really... How does she feel about this? That's a giant thing about this. If she isn't happy asexual, she's not going to be happy that all you can say is "Hey, I can get sex from anyone- I don't have to suffer with you", which could be what she hears when you want to go elsewhere.

Actually the quote was mine.

My story is similar to loving_partner. The term "asexual" has only entered my wife's vocabulary in the last several months, although our sexual differences have been with us our entire marriage. I initially read and article on asexuals and printed it for my wife to read. It articulated so many things she has been telling me for years. She initially said, "Yes that describes me."

Since then she has been more hesitant about the term. She certainly hasn't embraced it. I encouraged her to read these forums, but as of yet she has only looked once. She is unaware that I posted this and hasn't read it that I know. This has been a frustrating time for both of us, because we are realizing that this may be an orientation and she may never have the sexual awakening she had been hoping would happen.

I have not mentioned anything about other partners to her. I would never make such a suggestion when she is insecure and in an identity crisis. My reference to jealousy is from a discussion we had about 2 years ago when I suggested it after she told me she didn't want sex and wished I could take care of my needs elsewhere.

Right now she is very insecure about our sex life. She has initiated sex frequently recently, because I think she feels she needs to give me sex in order to have me love her. She says things like, "maybe if we have it more I'll start liking it." I have told her many times I love her just as she is and don't base my love on sex. I probably haven't shown the same level of interest as in the past. That has her sad. It is hard to express as much excitement after realizing that the feelings I am having have nothing to connect to in her. The strictly physical act isn't a lot to get excited about for me. I loved the erotic connection.

I suppose I had always thought we had an erotic connection even though she candidly expressed she never felt those feelings, because I could easily give her an orgasm. Her body is very sensitive. She has orgasms easily, and the way a body behaves in orgasm lead me to believe I was connecting to her deeply and meaningfully. I assumed her insistence that orgasms did nothing for her was some denial based in her sex-negative upbringing. She explained to me that an orgasm was a reflex, like a sneeze when a nose is tickled. She almost never sought orgasms (she never masturbates either), though I loved to give them to her. Often when she is okay with sex she is not okay with things that bring her to orgasm. I guess I didn't believe her because I didn't believe a fully asexual person was possible.

Now that I have some more understanding of the things she has said to me I am actually less interested in sex. I wanted a connection that no longer seems possible. It's not that I want her less, it's just that I have no expectations anymore. That is depressing for both of us. She is now initiating sex more than I. She says she wants the intimacy of sex. When I ask her what that means she says "I want to make you happy." It is strange that my desire for her which has been so frustrating to her over the years, is now a cause of anxiety when it wanes.

It breaks my heart to see the woman I love more than life itself feel this way. I try to comfort her often reminding her that I love her just the way she is an I adore her with or without sex. But I am a very sexual person. Sex matters a lot to me and she knows that too. Based on everything I've read about asexuality I am fairly certain she is an asexual. She isn't comfortable with that label yet, because for her it means giving up on something we have been working on since we fell in love.

So in conclusion, I'm not sure if it is a good thing that we learned about Asexuality. Had we not ever heard the word "asexual" we would likely have spent the rest of our lives trying to work on our "sexual incompatibility"--always hoping we could create a mutual desire. We're coming to the conclusion it will likely never work, and we are both fairly miserable.

[SexualHubby]

I feel your pain- my wife (after 22 years) is also initiating more and I don't find it arousing. I've posted this already in another thread about long term marriage about to come to an end. I had felt she was asexual and she is trying not to be. My fear is that this is just a way to pull me back in (I had already told her that I was leaving- but I have stayed). Anyway, you posted so many similarities to our relationship...at least you feel deeply in love with her- something I lost for my wife along the way and am trying to resurrect.

[Galen]

Ditto, My wife (19 years marriage, 28+ year friend) did the same yesterday. I don't know, I almost feel guilty now, I blabbered a lot about how it wasn't necessary etc.... I still desire it but I am not getting the emotional enjoyment out of it as before. I use to believe if I worked hard enough or did it better she would desire it more often. I had not fallen completely out of Love with her, we share so much more than sex, but we also have problems besides our physical desires (kissing, hugs, lovemaking) also. Reading these forums have allowed me to approach our physical relationship differently, We still need to find time to really talk about it. Difficult with the kids always hovering. At least I believe we can work on this without blaming each other. Does not mean I'll be 100% happy but I can't imagine being happier with anyone else at this point.

[michaeld]

Masturbation is fine if all you need is a quick physical release, but it's completely unsatisfying emotionally. There is a strong need for emotional bonding that is part of sexuality. It's not all one thing or the other - never just pure physical lust or deep emotional need - it's all mixed in together and impossible to completely separate.

As an asexual I completely understand that (although it doesn't apply to me). But I'd have thought that is also exactly the reason that people such as patient_husband's wife may be very unhappy with the idea of sex outside the relationship. [edit: correction made]