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How can I improve my realtionship with my sexual husband?


tacky

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Happylife is right in most things; however, asexuality can kill one's sex life and marriage. It killed my marriage and my long-time relationship because I just couldn't stand sex and my husband and subsequent partner wanted sex.

There isn't always an acceptable compromise. There isn't always a solution. Communication is necessary but in itself it doesn't solve things, if people's wishes about their own bodies and emotions are far enough apart. That's just reality.

Genderist comment ahead:

I often see women (not necessarily asexual women but women in general) taking the whole responsibility of working things out on themselves. If things can't be worked out, they just haven't tried hard enough. I think that's really damaging to them. No one person can be responsible for making another person happy.

I hope you don't take on that responsibility, tibf, but it sounds like you are.

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Oops, there seems to be a slight misunderstanding!

What if you husband said he CAN live without penetrative sex?

Hope that helps,

Honey Bee

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:D that's just misunderstanding. no apology necessary. misunderstanding is just an unexpected byproduct of human interactions, hardly offensive. it always feels good to know that somebody did listen to me when I said something. :)

as you said earlier, I think the first thing you're going to have to do would be to find out where your boundaries are and what activities you are and aren't capable of doing. focus on what you are able to do. like.. masturbating your husband,, very luckily, this is something you can do.. don't spend too much time thinking about things that you can't do because it's not productive.

do you know what the surest way to be unhappy is? the answer is to live in the past and the future. if you fill your mind with regrets or bad memories(past) and fears(future), you will find that you are not as happy. so my suggestion is this: think of what you can do now. right this very moment. and do something. right now.

I'm sure your husband knows you're trying your best to make him happy and that you know he does. I want you to remember this: he is here to love you and make you happy. he may be staying with you because your being his wife makes him happy. let him help you and make you happy.

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You face the dilema many have tried to resolve

Firstly it seems to be assumed that not liking sex needs a label and not everyone who dislikes sex is Asexual, not true as you can not just like sex. It is also acknowledged that it is very rare within a couple to find both partners having the same level of sex drive and even within sexual/sexual relationship people struggle with that different expectation so please do not feel you are odd as anyone in a relationship has these issues

Blunt and truthfull? oo always a thing asked but throws up some close to the bone responses, I will try without intending to offend.

Will he leave you over no sex? possible, did he at first think that you had fallen out of love with him or getting it somewhere else when sex wasn't all over the place? probably. Is he thinking your claiming to be Asexual because you do not want sex with him? Possibly, Does he think you can't be Asexual as you have had sex many times? more than likely, Is it going through his mind that even though you do not like sex you did it because you loved him and now you don't do sex does that means you do not love him anymore? possibly. You can go on and on and it's a minefield to be honest

Usually people say it's not what you say it's what you do that shows your intentions BUT on this occasion I feel it's what you say as continual open and honest communication will see the best positive result

There is a greater chance this relationship will fail than it will succeed if for one side sex is important. We as Asexuals sometimes become blinkered into thinking "well if they love me they will accept me" well there is two people in the relationship and they have a right to say the same

Some sex/asex couples have tried the man seeking sex somewhere else but still staying within a loving familly. This rarely works long term as it eats most up and makes the Asexual feel sick, cheated on and inadequate even though the Asexual may have at first agreed to it

For most I feel they need to lay out thier case. point out that not many long term sexual relationships still shag like rabbits but the most loving longest lasting tend to be the tentative touches, re affirming hugs and kisses and a common loving goal say the familly but most importantly are the greatest of friends

you can do no more than this and hope your husband understands that love and sex are two different things

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Have you talked to your husband and asked what about sex he needs? Right now is a time when communication is important- you may think he needs X, when really he needs Y so satisfying the non-existant need X won't make anyone happy.

Some people can be satisfied with varying degrees of closeness- masturbating while the other person holds them, mutual masturbation, oral, and other non-penetrative things are all at different levels and different people can be satisfied by different things even without actual penetrative sex. his isnt't rue of everyone, but it is possible that your husband misses the intimacy and closeness and finding a way to fulfill that without damaging you would help a good deal.

However, there are also people need to be desired. No matter what their partner does, if their partner doesn't want it and/or isn't attracted to them, and is only doing it out of love rather than out of their own want to- they can't be fulfilled. If your husband is like this, then you probably won't ever fully make it work. You might be able to fulfill the physical need, and that might help, you might find a way to make up for it by making it clear you want in nonsexually and hopefully that's enough, but it's also possible it won't be enough no matter what either of you do- and that's no one's fault.

If it does turn out that there is no compromise, I guess you have to ask yourself this- what do you want?

Some sex/asex couples have tried the man seeking sex somewhere else but still staying within a loving familly. This rarely works long term as it eats most up and makes the Asexual feel sick, cheated on and inadequate even though the Asexual may have at first agreed to it

Definitely. There's a lot of ways to do non-monogamy wrong, and it essentially requires two types of people that might not exist in the marriage- a person who's able to love two people and make it work with both, and a person who's able to live with their love loving someone else. if you have one but not hte other, or even if you have both, it can go to hell very easily if it's done wrong or the relationship isn't healthy.

It is an option for some couples, and it should be considered at least long enough to know that you couldn't handle it, but it probably isn't an option for most.

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tlbf, it sounds like you really are trying to do the best you can for your relationship, and I hope it all works out for you both. :cake:

One thing struck a chord for me in your last post:

I keep trying and I have recently confided in him what I feel I am capable of doing. I asked him what he needs, and if what I am capable of doing is enough for him to feel satisfied and loved. The only response I get is we will see how things go. I guess that is the best I can hope for right now.

This just sounds so much like conversations I've had with my wife, when she's made an offer of what she feels capable of doing, and I've replied in much the same way as your husband. So I'll let you know what I was thinking. It may not of course be what he's thinking, but anyway...

When I said that, it was because I had doubts. Doubts whether my wife would really be comfortable following up on her offer, doubts as to whether this would be another thing we tried, only to find after a while that it wasn't really working. Doubts about whether this was more an attempt to mollify my desires than anything my wife actually wanted, and so doubts as to whether the willingness expressed was freely given. And, uncharitably, doubts as to whether this was just more words not backed with actions.

If you feel capable of doing certain things, then I think that now would be the time to back that with action if you're not already doing so because I think that's the target of the "We'll see" comment. It's one thing to say you're capable of X, and another thing entirely to show it.

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tlbf

Hang in there, there is no guarranty this will go either way good or bad. I think declaring your position was spot on and trying to establish what he expects and what your comfortable with again is in the right direction. He seems to be like most sexual men in that they rarely open up until it's to late. The reason for this is most sexual men have issues with openess and emotion.

That is why when you bring something dramatic into the relationship explain it to the full, review then the important bit..give him time to think and drop it for a while and try and find that halfway point by action evolving. sometimes men need to be shown rather than told. Also don't think in your mind this won't be right till he accepts it because he will then feel pressured and you will have set a line in the sand. Sometimes people do know but manage life without talking about it all the time even though I know you want to hear "darling I understand your wishes and I support them fully" he may be already without saying it

Also re-affirmation. Remind him he doesn't repulse you, sex with him doesn't repulse you , being with him doesn't repulse you, the fact that he understands and even if he doesn't the fact he's prepared to listen makes you love him even more, want to be with him more and want to share with him more may help with the insecurity of male pride

Him thinking this is just a phase? to be honest you can't blame him as this is how many see hit I mean look at our membership, 19,000 odd apparently and some join feeling they are Asexual only to find it wasn't a phase but a time of discovery and Asexuality wasn't the end result. So humour him on this over time his thinking of just a phase will pass.

And lastly as both my fingers and head are hurting lol, push the other things that make you a couple going out, quality time, friends etc as the longest relationships often work because they are the best of friends and not just fuck buddies.

Good luck

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  • 3 weeks later...
OutsideTheBox

I know this thread is 2 wks old but it's fascinating to me (an asexual female) as I'm going through something similar as I just found out about asexuality yesterday. Married 21 yrs but my husband doesn't attach such importantness to sex as some sexuals do. Love is shown in many ways, just add a little extra effort in some of the other ways and you'll still both add up to 100% in the end :-)

The biggest obstacle I'm noticing in reading post after post in all the thread is the lack of light-heartedness between the sexual and the asexual. Although different ways do work for different couples. My relationship with my husband is pretty darn close to what Oliver describes with his wife. Make it funny (it is!) and make it something to laugh about together. I never understood why masturbation wasn't enough for them (the sexuals) to get the sexual tension out with. My husband has been telling me for years that sex is emotional for him, hardly physical at all. But I didn't "get" it until this forum. Heck, if he wants me to hold his hand while he takes care of it himself that's fine with me. We can both sit back and laugh at it afterwards because really-that's NOT considered normal by the rest of the world. But who wants normal?? He makes me laugh so hard I think I'm going to pee my pants in all other areas of our life. Why not in the bedroom since we BOTH know I don't want to have sex and I'm just there (watching or allowing a quickie, whatever) because I know it's important to him that I BE there while he's having those feelings.

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