Marriage w/ Asexual wife about to end

[SexualHubby]

Thanks for your great post and reply to one (yes, it's just one but important) of our marital issues.

The only folks who don't seem to get it right now are HER friends and family. I am very close to them all and this part of it is very difficult. They keep encouraging us to "light the fire again," but I know now that it was all a mirage and it was never lit to begin with. The only down side is that it took 22 years of marriage to figure this out. If only we had figured it out much earlier, we could have saved each other years of anguish.

[Sally]

It's amazing how people--usually family--who aren't part of the marriage seem to feel they have an ownership share of the marriage. The marriage is between two people; others should hold their peace and let those two people figure it out.

[SexualHubby]

Thank you...just emailed my mother-in-law to check this site out and especially this section of the site. She just doesn't get it and keeps telling me to allow my wife to work on things- my fear is I'll get "sucked" right back into where we've been for years- just to live through more years of hell.

[SexualHubby]

After marriage counseling (one session) and several individual sessions for my wife, we are no closer to "solving" our marital dilemma in regards to the intimacy/sexual issue. I know that some would say give it more time but to be honest, she is finding that there are absolutely no feelings of positive emotions connected to sexual expression for her. I am still at home in another room and no longer is she doing the things that a wife would do for her husband (dinner, etc.). I feel it's a matter of time now (shortly) before I move out to get away from all the heart ache in the home.

[Olivier]

I know that some would say give it more time but to be honest, she is finding that there are absolutely no feelings of positive emotions connected to sexual expression for her.

Given the point you had got to, it's not surprising she has no positive feelings about sex right now. It's more a question of whether she could foresee gaining some in the future as a result of new perspectives gained from either the counselling, or from talking with you in light of new knowledge. If she's not willing to go in that direction, however, it sounds as if her mind may be made up - that for her ending the relationship may be easier than making it work, even though neither are easy choices.

If she's stopped even making dinner (which seems somewhat petty) but still says she wants to work things out, perhaps she's just trying to push you to leave, so that she can blame you for the break rather than having to take ownership of that difficult decision herself.

[happylife]

If she's stopped even making dinner (which seems somewhat petty) but still says she wants to work things out, perhaps she's just trying to push you to leave, so that she can blame you for the break rather than having to take ownership of that difficult decision herself.

or she's depressed.. for some people with depression eating food is a very difficult task to accomplish. making dinner means a lot of things. only healthy people can do this job.

[loving_partner]

I know that some would say give it more time but to be honest, she is finding that there are absolutely no feelings of positive emotions connected to sexual expression for her.

Given the point you had got to, it's not surprising she has no positive feelings about sex right now. It's more a question of whether she could foresee gaining some in the future as a result of new perspectives gained from either the counselling, or from talking with you in light of new knowledge. If she's not willing to go in that direction, however, it sounds as if her mind may be made up - that for her ending the relationship may be easier than making it work, even though neither are easy choices.

If she's stopped even making dinner (which seems somewhat petty) but still says she wants to work things out, perhaps she's just trying to push you to leave, so that she can blame you for the break rather than having to take ownership of that difficult decision herself.

I'm sorry that it's not going well. Maybe it's time for a trial separation - give yourselves both a little space, and see if being apart really is where you want to go from here.

[Olivier]

If she's stopped even making dinner (which seems somewhat petty) but still says she wants to work things out, perhaps she's just trying to push you to leave, so that she can blame you for the break rather than having to take ownership of that difficult decision herself.

or she's depressed.. for some people with depression eating food is a very difficult task to accomplish. making dinner means a lot of things. only healthy people can do this job.

Yeah, there's that to consider, too. I came close to depression at the worst of our crisis, and if it wasn't for the kids, I probably would have found it hard to get motivated making dinner for someone I felt bitterness towards. Not a nice thing to admit, but true enough, all the same.

[happylife]

Yeah, there's that to consider, too. I came close to depression at the worst of our crisis, and if it wasn't for the kids, I probably would have found it hard to get motivated making dinner for someone I felt bitterness towards. Not a nice thing to admit, but true enough, all the same.

maybe i'm just weird.. well.. my stupidity i guess. in my case depression made me feel bitterness towards myself. a lack of motivation,, blank mind.. those.. also..

[SexualHubby]

Interesting that depression came up- yes, she is on antidepressant and antianxiety meds now (for about a week) and it will take a few more weeks to see at least the antidepressant's effects. She may have been depressed for awhile but really, the symptoms of it (trouble sleeping, crying a lot, lack of appetite) have reared their heads after I asked for the divorce (she's not the one who wants out). In the meantime, the "not making dinner" was only towards me- she makes it for our child. Okay, enough said on that topic. In regards to the trial separation- I think it's a good idea myself- I just need to get my ducks in a row and find a place to move out to.

[SexualHubby]

She has been to three individual sessions with a therapist now and came home today saying that she thinks sexual intimacy may be a possibility- evidently she recalls a time that I fell asleep after sex and tried to wake me for a round 2, but this was very early on, maybe 20 years ago. I have no recollection of this. She is still at least indifferent to sex and has never had a sexual attraction to me (her words). What to do...do I give in to what she is saying and try again, possibly being pulled into a place where I'll be miserable again or go with my gut- that there has just been too much water under the bridge and I don't feel love for her like I used to (well, for several years) now? I'm starting to see the appeal of possible others and future relationships- something I would not dare, right now share with her. She says she is going to therapy to "save our marriage," but I feel she should be doing this for herself. I sexual person in a relationship, to quote someone else on another thread, wants someone to want them. Even at best, I don't see that this will happen.

[daveb]

I think you're the only one who can really answer that. But it does seem to me you can walk away with a clean conscience if that's what you feel is best at this point. Eitehr way, it's probably not going to be easy, so don't let anyone tell you you're taking the easy way out if you do walk away.

Best wishes!

[Olivier]

If what she she wants is to save your marriage, then anything she does to save it is doing something for herself. Remember that.

But I know what you mean about longing to be desired sexually. On balance, I think the good things in my marriage makes going without that worthwhile, and I certainly feel appreciated in other ways, which is some compensation. But still there are times when I want that more than anything, and the thought that it would be easy enough to get (if there were no other considerations) is maddeningly frustrating.

[SexualHubby]

Our problem is not only the sexual/asexual element- which is highly frustrating too but we are truly disconnected- almost nothing in common after 22 years of marriage- she doesn't like to do the things that I like and vice-versa. We talked about it and it seems that we both do like cooking (although we are not very good at it) and are now looking for a cooking class to attend together. I have told her that even if we begin to connect, I'm not sure if my love for her could be revived- I'm just taking it a day at a time now- our marriage may still end in divorce, but as long as she is trying, I'm also trying to have an open mind and give things a chance. She is also telling me that she may be able to have a sexual attraction and desire (something I doubt) and she is working on this through therapy. Of course, for me, a sexual, this is very important and will make a difference as to whether or not I can feel love for her again. If after awhile things on her end don't change and I don't feel a connection happening, then most likely my feelings can't be revived and I would have to say that I'm out- as there really has been a lot of water under the bridge.

[Sally]

I agree with Daveb. It really doesn't sound like you feel this marriage is right for you, taking all things into consideration.

I understand she's upset and doesn't want to end the marriage. But a marriage is between two people, and one of them shouldn't be kept unwilling in the marriage because the other doesn't want to split. Your staying against your will will not make her happy; she'll continue to be worried, and you certainly won't be happy.

[Christinapt]

I don't know if this can help, will tell you my story. :)

I had a 4 year strong relationship, about 9 years ago, when i had 22. It was my first time sexual one as well.

Two years passed by and our families were even ready for a possible marriage. I though, realised i was probably asexual and didn't enjoyed sex at all. I loved him, and feared so much to loose him, that i kept silent to myself of what was going on, i wouldn't either cuddle or touch him, or kiss him. The reason? I thought i shouldn't make him feel teased, when i was not willing to go further. I never imagined, the simple fact of being near him, was enough, because i didn't feel it.

If i didn't love him, i wouldn't stay at all with him, i would be the first to jump off that relantionship.

Then i decided to let him know, he had a chronic disease, and wanted to live life the best he could while he could, and i couldn't give that.

He thought about it, then said one thing took the stress out of me "You know what?We won't do it then. My grandparents are 70, and they're married, standing each other, sometimes they argue at each other, sometimes they understand with that age they are still best friends. They don't argue about sex anymore. They don't have it anymore!We'll find a way to this. I'll wait, and you'll feel relaxed, i love you anyway".

I was always, very grateful to him, he did this 2 years, and still wanted to marry me, despite his disease. We just split in the end, before being engaged, because he realised he needed me because of his disease, but he didn't quite love me. I helped him find his wife, and he is happily married. Through our relantionship we often talked about, that if we went ahead with the engagement, and will be married, i would not leave him how bad his disease would become, nor he would leave me if i had moments of lack of sex drive. He said to me, marriage was a construction, sometimes the roof falls down, somehard times even all the walls, but the roots, they're never broken, and things can be rebuild even more stronger, if both want. Though i've been living as an asexual almost since then, i don't throw away the idea of one day have a sexual relantionship, where i can be confortable, even marrying tipe. People change.

Crises sometimes, bring more light, and quality to relationships. If both commit, and give priority to save your marriage doing whatever it takes, so you can meet halfway on that "bridge", all this might be a good thing!Might be a time of change, in your marriage, but for better. Wishing you the best!

[SexualHubby]

Thanks...I appreciate the positive comments. As it stands now, my wife is trying hard...she says she won't lose me without a fight. She is trying to connect with me. We have virtually nothing in common over the last 20 or so years but for the first time, she wants to take a cooking class together and do something with me! That is exciting and should be fun. I don't know if it is enough to begin rebuilding or not. She also comes up to me and wants to hug me... touch my hands...stroke them. We have hugged and even made out and have "almost" mutual masturbation- all for me! Is this teasing or is this real? I could not orgasm (I normally would if I was doing it to myself or looking at sexual pictures). Still, I feel no real feelings towards her...yet. I don't know what will happen. She says because she is uncertain of my feelings towards her, she cannot have sex with me- is this a disguised asexul response or is this real? I am trying to be open minded and want to connect but have a strong fear that all of this will get me involved with her again and things will not have changed- there will be no sexual connection or passion- something that I as a sexual person feel is extremely important in a marriage. This keeps me from letting go completely with her and feeling a love again that I haven't felt for her in several years. We'll see what happens. We are taking one day at a time.

[Pamcakes]

SexualHubby, you may wish to edit an advisory into this thread after the sexual explicitness of that last post; as hard as it may be to understand (I don't quite get it myself, though I am trying hard to), there are people on this site who may very well go into a panic spiral if they read your description of mutual masturbation.

Aside from that, this is fantastic news! Good luck. I hope it goes somewhere for you. :-)

P.

[SexualHubby]

Thank you- I did make some changes- I guess you're right- too explicit...could turn some folks off and even make some feel nauseated. I wouldn't want to do that as we are all here to help each other.

[xsex]

Everything you've wrote about your marriage is almost identical to that which mine is also going through. The difference is that my marriage is 15 years older than yours and my husband is the asexual partner in our relationship. I have been at home with physical disabilities for ten years and my husband has always been involved so deeply with his work that it has created problems for us at home. We also have one son, older, who has been a tremendous bond in our marriage. If it weren't for your sexual orientation, I would think you were my own husband writing about our marriage issues. After reading your post, I can identify with your feelings about wanting warmth and affection out of your marriage and I identify with your wife's feelings about your job being your true love. I feel like I'm in a unique position to make an observation about what may be going on in your marriage that your overlooking at this point and time. It is too easy to blame all of what is happening in your marriage on the lack of sexual activity and bonding that some partners share after many years of a relationship. In her defense, you have both found a way to compromise all these years, yet now that you no longer have your work to fulfill your needs you want out. It is very difficult for partners who have willfully ignored each-others needs for a long period of time to suddenly be confronted with the glaring hole they have dug themselves into upon retirement with each-other 24/7. Retirement is a difficult time for all couples, especially for those who have been using work as a means to fill in the pot holes that develop within any long-term marriage. I think right now you are focusing on the fact that you and your wife have always had issues in the "sex" department and thus it is the easiest place to lay blame for the acute pain and obvious separation your both faced with right now. Consequently, you are laying the blame for all the issues you see within your marriage at her feet and holding her fully accountable for everything that has developed over a long relationship which you both created. You can't go to a counselor and tell them you never have had a normal or fulfilling sex life due to her issues with sex and expect them to focus on the "real" issues within your marriage. Of course they are going to zero in on that issue only. But that is only one tenth of whole picture I bet. Even though my husband is the asexual one in our relationship, I know if he retired tomorrow we would be thrown into he-- due to the potholes we have not bothered to fix along the road in our relationship. I can honestly look at our whole marriage and see that I too have contributed to our martial issues even though it would be easy to lay all the blame on his lack of sexual desire. If you want to leave, at least have the courage to look at what you have done, or not done, to contribute to the sorry state you find your marriage in today. You are in the same spot many long term marriages find themselves facing upon retirement when they have not been working hard to keep their marriages alive along the way. If you intend to leave, at least take responsibility for the role you have played in creating the mess your dealing with today. It does take two to make a marriage, and two to mess it up.

[xsex]

I would like to add a few more thoughts for anyone involved in a relationship with someone who is asexual. Just because they really don't have a desire for sex, does not mean they are incapable of having a loving and devoted relationship. They share in all the other feelings that any other couple would, be it bad or good, happy or sad. Being a Father has brought my husband tremendous feelings of joy and happiness which we have shared in together as parents and as a couple. It is difficult for the sexual partner, but I think those of us who have stayed for the long haul in these relationships have brought our own issues into our marriages and thus we we're more willing to compromise for what we've recieved in return. Asexual people are just as capable of becoming angry, happy, excited or dedicated to issues they deal with in their life as the person next to them. In fact, I would not be surprised to find out through a study done some day that they actually do get more passionate about the things they are involved with because they don't cloud everything with their underlying sexual thoughts.

[SexualHubby]

Thanks for your response- yes, we have been talking about my previous work and how it contributed to our problematic marriage. We are trying to work on things now- I'm still here. I know I share the responsibility in that.

[SexualHubby]

Just an update:

Went to cooking class last night- it was truly wonderful and we had a great time. This is the first time in years I feel we had fun together. However, it felt like I was hanging out with a very good friend- not someone I'm in love with. We are still taking things day by day and talk a lot. She tells me she loves me- I don't say the same words to her. She hugs me and kisses me now with an open kiss (something she has started doing after several sessions of therapy) and I reciprocate. She now says she understands now how she made me feel for all of those years and wants to make things right. As much as I have desired it for years, the french kissing is awkward- I feel nothing from it (sort of like a limp fish handshake if you're shaking hands with someone)...I think, maybe she just needs to learn how to do it better...or maybe it's just not really in her? I still don't know where all of this is going and it confuses me. Maybe we will just end up as "good or best friends," or maybe her efforts (and mine) will pay-off. I still don't know if she can truly have sexual intimacy and enjoy it...if she can't, I don't want to push things (but remember, sexual people do get horny and it would be easy to take advantage of even a quasi-sexual situation). She still has not embraced being asexual- I guess we will see if she truly is or not (hard for me to imagine that she is not). I still am in the guest bedroom at night and don't want to move back into what was once "our" bedroom unless we both feel a true spark for each other.

[Sally]

Here's what I hear in your last post: She really doesn't want you to leave; she wants to be with you. You had fun with her as a good friend.

What I don't hear is that she wants to have a sexual relationship with you, or that you want to have a sexual/romantic relationship with her.

She may be essentially "pursuing" you now in an effort to keep the relationship going. It depends on whether you feel that is what you want also.

[lonelyheart]

It's sounds like she is doing what is necessary to keep you in the relationship. I don't doubt for a minute that all of her efforts are sincere....however a bit lame to a sexual person like yourself.

Sexual people know when asexuals are trying to swim to stay above water. They suddenly understand what is necessary/missing in the relationship and race to fulfill what they perceive as the "obligations" immediately. Wait a few months and see the euphoria fade.

I hate to be a buzz kill, but I'm going through the same thing in my asexual/sexual relationship. "Let me satisfy your every whim at the moment....but don't expect it again for another six to twelve months."

[SexualHubby]

I agree with both of you. I have been to the brink of breaking several times and this was the first time (a month ago) that I was serious about separating (moving out) and also divorce and actually told her. She heard me loud and clear and therefore, the sudden turn of events. At the present, I'm trying to keep an open mind and work on things with her. If in a few months, things are back to the "same 'ole" I will be in a better position to truly follow through with leaving and can do it with a much clearer conscience, knowing that I really did give it my all. Certainly, I would rather the spark between us be rekindled and for me to fall back in love with her and actually have a satisfying and passionate, intimate sex life with my wife. If this is not possible, I will move on in hopes of finding this someday with someone else.

[SexualHubby]

Well, I guess I should add an update. My wife and I had sex last night (first since the day after Valentines). First was the obligatory bath so she was squeaky clean (never has she engaged in sex spontaneously- it is always after careful planning and a bath or shower) then hum drum... I felt no real connection although she was really trying...breaks my heart that I felt nothing for her through her efforts... she cried later because I didn't vocalize that I love her. I'm not sure what to do. I appreciate her efforts- if this had happened 2 years ago, I know I would have felt differently about it. Right now, I just don't feel the connection that I should as a sexual person. Has the love really just dried up?

[Sally]

You could also wait a bit longer. But if you chose to leave, I for one couldn't say that would be wrong. If you still really felt connected and wanted a compromise to work, that would be one thing. But it sounds like you are really done. She won't be any better off if you stay and she has to keep working at something she doesn't really want, and you don't want with her anymore.

[happylife]

Has the love really just dried up?

let me toss this question back to you. has it?

[SexualHubby]

Has the love really just dried up?

let me toss this question back to you. has it?

Good question- something I'm trying to figure out- I care for her deeply and don't want her to hurt. If she could happily get on with her life I would be happy too. I don't know if staying around and continue to try will reignite something in me or not. I'd say that for now, the answer is yes... I don't know if it will always be yes or not. I'll stay for a bit longer but if feelings don't change in the next month or so, then I'd say I have a definite answer and I'll need to move on despite her heartache. :(