Jump to content

Marriage w/ Asexual wife about to end


SexualHubby

Recommended Posts

Yes, I wanted to say something about the list, I believe Oliver was able to closely express feelings without sounding selfish as I would of.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Olivier's response and 4 points - you're not a old crank. You've expressed the sexual side pretty well. I've sometimes gotten hints, on this site, that once an asexual 'comes out', then sex becomes non-negotiable and off limits. Of course, this is not true with all asexuals, as there seems to be a grey area of acceptable sexual behavior with some asexuals.

But it just got me thinking about things I really don't like and that I would prefer to completely avoid for the rest of my life:

  • Quieting screaming babies in the middle of the night
  • Unstopping plugged toilets
  • Changing dirty diapers
  • Cleaning up vomit
  • Yard work
  • Working for people who don't appreciate my talents and are poor managers that underpay me

But it would seem selfish of me to inform my wife that I have always found these things to be intolerable and I will no longer do these things. I've always put these things in the "for better, for worse" category of the marraige vows and do them because it is what I signed up for. Hoping, of course, that there would be some "for better" to offset the "for worse".

Link to post
Share on other sites

The list I wrote was only intended to demonstrate that relationships are built and sustained on things that couples share in common. I actually can be an old crank, and I am old enough to have adjusted to the sexless part of my marriage. I do remember the intense emotional drama that it created all through my more sexually vigorous years of marriage. I can't determine by looking backwards if acceptance and knowledge would have made things easier to deal with overall. I assume that it would have made a huge difference in how I would have gone about trying to resolve our differences sexually because I would have understood that there was a biological issue at the core which could not be changed no matter what I said or did. Personally, I probably would have sought sexual pleasure through the many other avenues that were available to me if I knew this subject was as strange and repulsive as it really is for many asexuals. I also think I would not have felt a need to share with my spouse where, when or how I had figured out how to satisfy my sexual needs. Without the knowledge I have now about asexuality, I continually pushed my husband into degrading compromises sexually, and essentially kept trying to make him behave in a manner which really went against his basic nature. I think the big issue is primarily coming to terms with just how unnatural and even repulsive the whole sexual issue feels to an asexual. If a sexual partner can wrap their mind around this fact, hopefully they will stop trying to force a round peg into a square hole. Acceptance could lead one to find a manner to sexually be fulfilled without constantly seeking relief from their spouse who has no real clue about what "sex" feels or means to you.

I think the big compromise must eventually come from both sides. You accept their sexual orientation and they must accept that your needs also must be considered and met. If not by them, then somewhere, somehow. It really takes a lot of understanding, giving and compromising from both sides to find a way to live with this fundamental biological difference between partners. These love affairs are extremely different from others and won't survive or flourish if the only tools one uses to fix or make adjustments within their marriage are the traditional thoughts and views on marriage. Thinking outside the box and developing unique strategies that both parties can learn to accept is the only way a sexual and asexual lover will ever be able to make things work for both partners. I do love the other list posted of things the sexual partner doesn't want to do either, and admit to having my own list that I used frequently on my husband in retaliation over the years. Unfortunately, it didn't do anything to help us deal with the real issue and everything began unraveling. Anyone can see from my beginning post's, to today's post's, months later, that I was one very angry and confused lady not too long ago. Fortunately, I finally saw the core issue and understood that I had to revaluate our past and look to our future with the new knowledge I have in order to heal and grow without further pain or blame.

Link to post
Share on other sites

No, that was a beautiful post from xsex. I must have done something wrong when I thought I was responding to her quote. Sorry for the mix-up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I too have been married for over 30 years to a asexual male partner. For the majority of our relationship I did not understand why my husband did not desire sex, nor displays of any physical warmth or attraction to me. For many years I frequently became jealous of any female coworkers whom he developed a warm and extra friendly relationships with. He always responded that he was not having an affair, and that I was mentally unbalanced and paranoid. He never once even hinted that he was physically incapable of developing a sexual relationship with these women due to the same issues which were affecting our sexual life. However, he did form unusually close relationships with a few of them who clearly had a sexual attraction to him. After 17 years of marriage, he confessed to me once that he never really had a sexual desire for me. At the same time he told me that he was quite attracted to a few women now and then. It is too difficult to express how painful and devastating it was to here this from him. Knowing what I do thirty years later, I feel that he intentionally wanted me to believe that his lack of sexual drive within our marriage had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with his own lack of sexuality.

I would like to hear from other sexually normal spouses if they have gone through any similar humiliating, and ego deflating role reversals created by their asexual spouses in their spouses attempts to hide their real issues from you? I would also like to know if their asexual spouses have shown a tendency to develop close relationships with people of the opposite, or same sex as their own sexual relationships become a major issue in their marriage? I also would like to hear from any sexual partners of asexual spouses that believe the lack of intimacy and sex in their relationships have created serious problems for their own sexual ego, or related depressions and feelings of rejections? I only ask because these are issues that I have been dealing with throughout my long marriage.

I think this post is from Rainy, but I wasn't sure. I have trouble with the "quote /quote" sometimes.

Regarding the sexual desire issues: My wife is asexual and I've wondered about her two divorced sisters. Here's why. They each got divorced very soon after giving birth to the last of their children. When looking at either sister and their foirmer spouses, everyone just shook their heads and wondered how/why any of them got together. Opposites attracting barely describes it for either sister. Knowing the sisters and their attitudes about sex, I've always wondered if the whole asexual thing affected all the women of this family. And I've also wondered if everyone would have been better off, happier, etc. with sperm donors, artificial insemination and no husbands. Neither sister is looking too hard for a relationship (after 5-10 years). I don't think they were interested in anything more than kids.

With my wife, she's never displayed any interest in anything more than an occasional actor in a movie, and generally only those that have good looks and platonic interests. As far as depression, ego problems and rejection - absolutely.

No, this was written by xsex. I am still learning how to use all the features here and I thought I was responding to her post but only ended up posting her post... sorry for my fumble fingers.

Link to post
Share on other sites
But it would seem selfish of me to inform my wife that I have always found these things to be intolerable and I will no longer do these things. I've always put these things in the "for better, for worse" category of the marraige vows and do them because it is what I signed up for. Hoping, of course, that there would be some "for better" to offset the "for worse".

Someone (possibly n44ww, or xsex) said something about the fact that sometimes when an asexual recognizes his/her situation, and comes out to the partner, the sex completely ends. I'm afraid that happened with me; I'm saying "afraid" because it of course didn't please my partner or help him transition from his misapprehension of me to the reality. Something definitely happened to me, physiologically as well as psycholgically; once I'd found myself, so to speak, I just couldn't stand doing it anymore.

But back to the quote above, the trouble with making an analogy to a sexual doing those disagreeable things like cleaning the toilet, changing the diaper, etc. is that the parnter never expects to see you expressing pleasure with those things. Nobody likes those things. Whereas in a sexual/asexual partnership, the sexual partner really really wants the asexual to show liking for and pleasure in the things that the asexual really doesn't want to do. As Olivier and many others have expressed, an asexual participating in sex as a chore just doesn't do it for the sexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites
... I assume that it would have made a huge difference in how I would have gone about trying to resolve our differences sexually because I would have understood that there was a biological issue at the core which could not be changed no matter what I said or did. Personally, I probably would have sought sexual pleasure through the many other avenues that were available to me if I knew this subject was as strange and repulsive as it really is for many asexuals. I also think I would not have felt a need to share with my spouse where, when or how I had figured out how to satisfy my sexual needs..... I finally saw the core issue and understood that I had to revaluate our past and look to our future with the new knowledge I have in order to heal and grow without further pain or blame.

I Thank You again for your honesty and glad you are feeling well enough to post etc...

Best Wishes

Link to post
Share on other sites

I thank you for your kind words and I'm feeling pretty lucky and happy to have a another chance to give and receive love within my relationship without all the past misconceptions clouding my thoughts and feelings. I know that if I hadn't found this site, which has really been a tremendous eye opener for me all the way around, I would not have been able to make the huge mental transition I've gone through regarding my marriage to an asexual person after so many years of confusion, anger and unnecessary pain. I can't help but believe that this site will be a real life saver for many other relationships engaged in the struggle of coming to terms with the biological differences within their relationships. These discussions are not only assisting each-other as we attempt to understand and deal with the core differences in our sexual and asexual relationships, but will pave the way for many others in the future and save them from suffering years of anger, confusion and pain that results from isolation, misunderstandings and ignorance. AVEN is hope for all who love another person who differs from ourself sexually.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been reading and keeping up- and as the Original Poster of this thread, I can tell you that our marriage is no longer about to end. Just to recap: Yes, true that 5 years ago or so, my wife and I sat down and had a frank discussion about our mutual needs and that she revealed that she has never had a sexual fantasy (I had bought her books on fantasies, etc., trying to illicit some) and that she told me after hours of talking and crying that she hated oral and never wanted to do that again, etc. It was from that point on that sex between us became pretty much non-existent.... Fast forward 5 years...after the 1 or twice or maybe 3 times a year (sometimes none for a year) of sex that was "pity sex," on anniversaries, valentines, birthday, etc., I asked my wife for a divorce...we had been married 22 years. This shook her up- she became depressed and went to her doctor for medication and started individual therapy with someone who could help her work on relationship issues and sexual issues. She never had any early trauma sexually... sex was good until she became pregnant 18 years or so ago- then fell off and was not something she did for pleasure. It was like the toilet bowl cleaning, if you would. Anyway, long story short, she began to make efforts of holding hands, hugging, some kissing...and even trying french kissing for the first time. I really doubt that she was ever really asexual, but just someone with a low libido. Anyway, sex is good (well, better) now- at least it's there and she is trying to get into it- or at least it seems. Yesterday, she even performed oral... Hmmm. What we're left with are relationship issues that we're working on.

So, I know that sex or no sex for a sexual can be a deal breaker, but you could also have great sex but without the relationship being good. In other words, other things can be a deal breaker too- how ironic, especially on this board. We are trying now to find commonality... Even if the sex gets better, that can't be the ONLY thing that holds us together.

So, why am I writing this? Maybe I should just go away and not post anymore? My situation is probably different than sexual/asexual as many are experiencing here and what I thought was going on in our relationship. I suppose I'm posting to show everyone that every relationship is unique and different. That whether my wife is truly asexual or not, she has finally "listened" to my desires and needs (after years of confusion- turning me away, contributing to my low sexual self esteem and making me feel rejected and desperate) and has acted- in other words, she has finally "compromised," after figuring out through therapy how important sexual relations are to a sexual person like myself. When I asked her yesterday what the difference was before when she would not even entertain the notion of sex with me and now, she told me that she did not feel loved by me before, but now that she does, she's willing to reciprocate in order to see that she makes me happy. That in of itself (maybe the sex is really not enjoyable to her??) apparently is adding to her loving feelings towards me too, Still, I am cautious not to push and "take advantage" of this new direction in our relationship. It is so easy to desire more and more and more, especially for a sexual. Often we're portrayed as "given an inch, they'll take a mile." I don't want to disrupt the "balance" that we have found right now. Speaking of relationship issues, I have to be keenly aware of the things that I do that makes her happy and make sure that I build on them and not take any for granted. If she stops feeling love from me, I suspect that she will (consciously or not) turn off her "compromise" and could become deaf ears to my needs again in the future (like they were in the past).

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Someone said something about the fact that sometimes when an asexual recognizes his/her situation, and comes out to the partner, the sex completely ends. I'm afraid that happened with me; I'm saying "afraid" because it of course didn't please my partner or help him transition from his misapprehension of me to the reality. Something definitely happened to me, physiologically as well as psychologically; once I'd found myself, so to speak, I just couldn't stand doing it anymore."

Something definitely changed within me as well, both physiologically and psychologically, once I fully comprehended and accepted my husband's biological asexual nature. For the first time in my 35 year marriage I immediately began to feel alright about myself again. I stopped feeling angry, upset, confused and cheated out of something I thought my husband could have given me "if he really loved me."

I've begun to consider ways to find sexual fulfillment again, after years of ignoring my sexual desires, but don't expect my spouse to be part of the solution for my biological needs. I am able to look at the many issues which stemmed from our sexual problems and differences over the years and let it all go. I no longer connect my sexuality, or rate my attractiveness based upon my husband's sexual response to me. I no longer consider my marriage as troubled; just different. I'm interacting with my spouse in a much more positive manner and enjoying him for exactly who he is and what he has given of himself over the years. I don't feel cheated out of something any-longer. My anger has fallen to the wayside overnight, and I am able to experience the love I've always had for him without having to move aside the mountain of garbage I had accumulated mentally over the years. I am 100% happier than I've been in many years. I am falling in love with my husband all over again and understanding him on a whole new level. I have finally been able to understand and accept our differences and it has made all the difference in world for a relationship that was headed for the rocks after 35 years. I no longer pretend that our marriage is like most others. I now see us as a very unique couple with unique challenges to find solutions for, and it feels like a solid foundation upon which we can rebuild a much healthier and happier relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
When I asked her yesterday what the difference was before when she would not even entertain the notion of sex with me and now, she told me that she did not feel loved by me before, but now that she does, she's willing to reciprocate in order to see that she makes me happy...Speaking of relationship issues, I have to be keenly aware of the things that I do that makes her happy and make sure that I build on them and not take any for granted. If she stops feeling love from me, I suspect that she will (consciously or not) turn off her "compromise" and could become deaf ears to my needs again in the future (like they were in the past).

Great news! Perhaps she isn't asexual, as you've wondered. Regardless, it sounds like you are both getting closer, which is good for both of you. And with both of you focusing on the needs of the other, I think you've found the formula to succeed.

What's also great is that she's not anti-sexual - that the door is open for a sexual relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

sexualhubby,

Im glad that you are both working on your marriage. Compromising where you can, and avoiding the many mines we lay ourselfs.

Please keep posting I still believe that it is very relevant, it also still sounds like you feel it is also.

Best Wishes

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sexual Hubby:

It's really a joy to read that you feel hopeful for the future of your marriage, and biased upon the positive changes you've mentioned about your wife's recent behavior, it sounds like she is highly motivated to rejuvenate and save your 22 year old marriage. It must be very encouraging to see the determination and momentum she's developed since beginning therapy. I'm inspired by the many positive efforts and behavioral changes she's tackled since you began posting your story here. Her initial response to the threat of losing her husband was to become depressed, isolate herself and cry. Shortly afterwards, she dealt with the depression by getting the proper medication for it. Right?

Then you two agreed to take a cooking class together in an attempt to find a mutually enjoyable activity to share in. I think she than began seeing a counselor by herself, and recently has begun having sex with you. I don't know what other big steps you two have taken independent of each-other, or together, but it does appear as though your both hopeful and determined, and are gaining a strong, positive momentum as of your last post. It is clear that you both would like to see your relationship's health restored, desire to remain with each-other another 22 years if possible, and are taking many of the right steps towards a positive outcome for yourselves. I hope you continue to post what is going on in your marriage because everything you have been writing about, and now are trying to overcome, is lessons for others who are dealing with the same type of issues in their relationships and turn to this site for help. I'm positive that everything we all have to share in our postings, our problems and the differing methods we find helpful, will pave the way for the next man or woman, sexual or asexual, and give them hope for their unique relationships and the challenges we are all trying to overcome. Furthermore, we all care about how things turn out for you and your wife. Twenty two years of marriage is a whole lot of history, love and family to break away from. You have no idea how many people are cheering for a successful outcome for you two. Best of Luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Her initial response to the threat of losing her husband was to become depressed, isolate herself and cry. Shortly afterwards, she dealt with the depression by getting the proper medication for it. Right?

Thanks for your very positive post. I really appreciate it. I believe that maybe she was depressed before I made my announcement that I wanted out but it really came to the forefront after I let her know what I wanted- that was July 20. She actually didn't isolate herself because I stood by her for about 2 weeks- holding her hand, allowing her to cry, etc. (I just can't take it when a woman cries- especially my wife) and talking- trying to encourage her to get some help. It was at the beginning of this time period that I discovered AVEN and started thinking she was asexual- which I shared with her- she mildly agreed but never embraced it. In fact, we went to see a marriage counselor within 10 days of my announcement with the predetermination that she was asexual, which I shared with the therapist- he really couldn't offer us any help- just a listening ear. During this time, she stopped eating too and lost quite a bit of weight. Even with all of this, from day one of my announcement, I moved to the other room- I was still determined to leave and didn't feel right sleeping in the same bed if that was my intention. Actually, it wasn't until the beginning of October that I moved back into our bedroom, so this is a pretty recent development. The whole ordeal was rough- and at least at first it made me realize that I really did have deep feelings for my wife and that I wanted to see her get better- I just couldn't leave her with her in bad shape. What transpired however was that, gradually as she got help, it was more than was expected- her whole demeanor concerning our relationship and how much the sexual component was missing and meant so much to me, especially, came to the forefront and she tackled it head-on. I give her big cudo's for that because my feelings/opinions about our relationship still hadn't taken a 180 yet. I was very surprised, and elated but at the same time, scared. I guess at one point, nearing the beginning of this month (Oct), we were outside on the deck and I just looked at her and told her that I still love her- this was the first time I was able to sincerely say these words since I had made the announcement. Everything after that is history.

We still obviously have a ways to go. I'm still not sure that in a month or two we'll be back to where we were or not- but we are both trying hard- we want to continue to restore our marriage which has been fraught with many problems for a long time including drifting away from each other to the point that we rarely do anything together or enjoy the same activities. That's where the cooking classes came in- we've been to three- just not many around and they fill up quickly- don't think there's an opening until January right now. Another activity we like is going to the movies and of course, I like going to the pub but she doesn't like that. She very rarely will go out with me on a week night (just the way she is- she would rather sit and read a book or watch TV together- both are boring to me) so our time together to do things is mostly weekends. Politically and religiously we don't see eye to eye.....something that's happened to us over many years of me working late, not coming home in order to connect, etc. I'm not sure if we'll really make it or not, but we are both trying. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 months later...
Sexual Wifee

I've followed your story and am wondering how it all turned out. Have you had any success? One of the reasons I'm asking about your situation is because my situation sounds identical to yours. I've been depressed and angry about the situation for many years and just finished reading Dr. Phil's book called "Self Matters". It was a real eye opener for me. My husband and I have been going for marital counselling for a couple of years and it hasn't made a difference. It did initially but he then went back to his old ways. Write back, sexual hubby!

Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescence

Quote: I also know that many asexuals won’t have a perspective where they would understand where a sexual like myself who has been in a long marriage like myself is coming from.

Maybe some asexuals won't understand, but I have absolutely no trouble understanding why you're feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. If you're looking for "permission" to go ahead with the divorce, you've got mine. There's no reason you have to live your whole life without experiencing something that is essential to your nature. Be kind to your wife, of course, but don't sacrifice yourself on the altar of her equilibrium.

As an aside, I may be wrong but I firmly believe (based on observation and discussions) that asexuality (or near-asexuality) is much more prevalent than 1% in women. So you may not have been quite as maddeningly unlucky as you think!

E.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Since asexuality is not well-known by the public or by the helping professions (counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists), there's no way to estimate what percentage of men or women who are asexual.

I think most asexuals do understand that it is very frustrating for a sexual to have a relationship with an asexual. That's because asexuals feel frustration also, as people who know that their partners want more than they can give, and who wish that their partners understood how they felt. It really is difficult for both partners, which is why I, as simply one asexual (but I think others agree with me) don't feel that a relationship needs to be maintained forever if it isn't satisfying and comfortable for both partners.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
SexualHubby

I am finally writing back- had a computer crash where I lost everything on my hard drive- put everything back but forgot to book mark this forum...then it hit me that I have missed posting here and so I book marked it just awhile ago and have come back on.

Just to bring everyone up to date- the sex did increase...and we had over 17-18 years used condoms only (sperm was gross to her) but finally she wanted to feel me orgasm inside of her but without the problem of birth control so I went and had a vasectomy. Sorry if this is disgusting to some. Things got better! Wow, we had great sex for a couple of months. Then she started having problems with her periods at the end of November- lasting for 2 weeks at a time with heavy bleeding- don't know if this is all related or not, but this turned her off sexually. It could just be her age- peri-menopause?? Anyway, she went to her doctor for a pap smear a couple of weeks ago and won't stop bleeding after that. Now the Dr. says there is something wrong and she's going in for a biopsy next week. So, I don't know how this will resolve itself. Just when things started going right, nature/biology took over. I'm not complaining- we are very loving and I support her 100% and don't make this a point to recon with in our talks... However, I know she feels bad that she isn't having sex with me- but she will sometimes give me oral or use her hand, which is still good! Just know that sometimes life throws you curve balls- some that can't be controlled...some are asexual/sexual relationships that really, you can't change the other person and have to live with things or find compromises. Others can be events in life that impact you and your desires or no-desires. So, life is as good as it gets right now. I have no regrets... but hope that things will straighten out again with her medical issues and we can get back to having a sex life again- but there are no promises in life and if that never happens, I know we will still be okay.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello to All ,

This posting is for those who followed my past rants, raves and anger towards my husband in 2009, and who followed the life altering transition which occurred in my life which ultimately saved my 35 year marriage. We went from separation, to understanding our binding love over within a six month period. I stopped posting in Nov. 09. I thought I would post an update on our progress. The last thing I really had to say was that my new awareness of what love really means to me on a fundamental basis had released me from years of anger and distrust. On January 11th, 2009 I was feeling so positive about our life together I decided I was going to tackle my ten year use of Oxycontin which I had become addicted to over time. I began to use this medication for pain, but I will never know if I also turned to it as a way to suppress my pent up anger as well. I went cold turkey at home with the full support and help of my husband. I have now been Opiate clean for 16 months, and I've never felt better. I can't believe how much this drug change every aspect of me, and how long it has taken to see the real me emerge at last. Once again, my husband stood by me all the way through this very difficult, and long term withdrawl. We are happy and supportive of each-other. We know how much we love each-other even though our sexual differences remain unchanged. I've never asked him to try and please me sexually, but he has become more affectionate all on his own. We are doing well and we are still happy being each-others mate. Thanks to all who offered so much support while I went through my life altering changes right here on this site. Your input and response to my questions helped me more than you will ever know, and saved my marriage through understanding and finally acceptance. Due to the postive changes I went through on this site, I finally found the courage to deal with a big issue which was eating me alive.

Your Friend

X Sex

Link to post
Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual

Whoa xsex! Another amazing part of your life unfolds! Congratulations, and know that you've been an huge inspiration!

:cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey SexualHubby, xsex, thanks for the updates!

To SexualHubby - sorry to hear about your wife's health issues! I hope things get sorted out soon!

Otherwise sounds like things are going very well for for you and your wife and xsex and her husband. :D

Best wishes and :cake:!

Link to post
Share on other sites
10. Do what you must to take care of your own sex needs and stop pestering your asexual spouse for it.

So basically, so sexuals should just shut up, and just be happy with no more shared sexual intimacy ever again?

I am sorry, but if someone is being "pestered" by the thought of sex with someone, then maybe it's time to end it. I do a LOT of things for my partner because I love her, things I REALLY don't want to do, but that I compromise about because I know they are very very important to her.

For me love involves compromising about some things even when you don't fully understand the appeal of the activity. There have been plenty of relationships i've been in where my partner wanted more sex than me (I am a sexual), or wanted to try sexual things that I found kind of unappealing or even things that had an "ew" factor for me, BUT I did them anyway because I am willing to try anything that might make my partner happy, who knows, maybe i'll end up liking some of it (and, I did.)

I think that the idea that the asexual partners needs should trump the sexual partners needs in this respect is totally wrong, personally I feel it should ALWAYS be about compromise and something that you can both come to terms with rather than just one of the partners needs overwhelming the others completely.

Link to post
Share on other sites
There have been plenty of relationships i've been in where my partner wanted more sex than me (I am a sexual), or wanted to try sexual things that I found kind of unappealing or even things that had an "ew" factor for me, BUT I did them anyway because I am willing to try anything that might make my partner happy, who knows, maybe i'll end up liking some of it (and, I did.)

But you are no longer in those relationships? Why not?

Lucinda

Link to post
Share on other sites

So basically, so sexuals should just shut up, and just be happy with no more shared sexual intimacy ever again?

Who said that? I think the most anyone has said just about anywhere on AVEN is that each partner is responsible for doing what they think is best for themselves. Neither is responsible for the other's sex life (or non-sex life).

For me love involves compromising about some things even when you don't fully understand the appeal of the activity.

That's usually true. However, when you really cannot take part in the activity without mental/physical pain, then compromise isn't going to be the magic bullet. I compromised what I wanted/didn't want for 40 years to make my partners happy, and finally it just didn't work anymore, for me or for them.

I think that the idea that the asexual partners needs should trump the sexual partners needs in this respect is totally wrong.

Again, who said that either partner's needs should trump the other partner's needs? I hear quite a bit on AVEN about asexuals having sex that they don't want, as I did, because their partners who are sexuals had great difficulty going without sex. I also hear about sexuals compromising their needs. Compromise is a cooperative effort; it doesn't automatically come out with everyone's needs met. If the compromise doesn't work, then it's not really either partner's fault.

Link to post
Share on other sites
There have been plenty of relationships i've been in where my partner wanted more sex than me (I am a sexual), or wanted to try sexual things that I found kind of unappealing or even things that had an "ew" factor for me, BUT I did them anyway because I am willing to try anything that might make my partner happy, who knows, maybe i'll end up liking some of it (and, I did.)

But you are no longer in those relationships? Why not?

Meh. I've also, as a sexual, been in relationships with people who wanted sex more than me (and been dumped for it, too) and I've had another partner ask me to experiment beyond my comfort zone, and I have, and have ended up liking some things contrary to my expectations, just like RobotFish. I'm still in that relationship, and the person pushing my sexual boundaries was my asexual wife, in the process of trying to find something that she might like. Far from that boundary pushing leading to the end of our relationship, that willingness to go that extra mile for each other is one of its foundation stones.

Link to post
Share on other sites
There have been plenty of relationships i've been in where my partner wanted more sex than me (I am a sexual), or wanted to try sexual things that I found kind of unappealing or even things that had an "ew" factor for me, BUT I did them anyway because I am willing to try anything that might make my partner happy, who knows, maybe i'll end up liking some of it (and, I did.)

But you are no longer in those relationships? Why not?

Lucinda

A lot of reasons, first one, I am going into the military, and I stated that I felt like I was unable to make a long-term commitment to her (marriage), until I felt like I could actually provide for her and the family, and that it would be unfair for me to commit to something until I can actually provide it. She wanted a long-term commitment that I was unfortunately unable to provide at the time, she ended up being interested in a friend of hers, and we went our separate ways.

The second one, she really wanted a relationship with me, even though it was an 8 hour drive, we worked on it for a few months, but the distance was just very lonely, and I didn't think it was working out, since seeing one another once a month didn't feel like a relationship to me, so we ended it because the distance was killing both of us.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Who said that? I think the most anyone has said just about anywhere on AVEN is that each partner is responsible for doing what they think is best for themselves. Neither is responsible for the other's sex life (or non-sex life).

The person I was quoting, that is exactly what they said, that the sexual should shut up, stop "pestering" their partner, and take care of their sex needs in private. Basically, shut up and leave the other partner alone about a big part of their life and intimacy needs. I just don't think that that is good advice for me, and I can't see how that would even end up working.

Asking a sexual to stop being sexual, is just as bad as expecting an asexual to start being sexual, and expecting the sexual to just shut up and close that part of them off, I feel is wrong, and it shouldn't be the first course of action in a relationship between a sexual and asexual.

That's usually true. However, when you really cannot take part in the activity without mental/physical pain, then compromise isn't going to be the magic bullet. I compromised what I wanted/didn't want for 40 years to make my partners happy, and finally it just didn't work anymore, for me or for them.

Well if it's causing pain, that's a different story entirely. Just most asexual i've known have no interest in sex, and it doesn't really "hurt" them, it just makes them very bored, and they do sex because it's something their partner enjoys, just like their partner does a lot of stuff for them that they probably find boring, and they make it work through compromise.

You shouldn't have to do anything that hurts you, that's a different situation.

Again, who said that either partner's needs should trump the other partner's needs?

The person I was quoting. They said that the sexual should shut up and stop pestering the asexual, that's the asexual's needs trumping the sexuals needs. The advice expects the sexual to just shut down that part of them and never bring it up again because it's "annoying".

I hear quite a bit on AVEN about asexuals having sex that they don't want, as I did, because their partners who are sexuals had great difficulty going without sex. I also hear about sexuals compromising their needs. Compromise is a cooperative effort; it doesn't automatically come out with everyone's needs met. If the compromise doesn't work, then it's not really either partner's fault.

Exactly, I think it should be a effort by both partners, and any good advice shouldn't be, "Sexuals stop wanting sex".

Basically I find that advice just as distasteful as if I wrote a checklist for how asexual can make it work better, and offered advice that said "10. Your sexual partner has sexual needs, so stop letting it bother you and just take care of them."

It expects someone to do something that is just outside of their nature, and that's wrong to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The person I was quoting, that is exactly what they said, that the sexual should shut up, stop "pestering" their partner, and take care of their sex needs in private. Basically, shut up and leave the other partner alone about a big part of their life and intimacy needs. I just don't think that that is good advice for me, and I can't see how that would even end up working.

Asking a sexual to stop being sexual, is just as bad as expecting an asexual to start being sexual, and expecting the sexual to just shut up and close that part of them off, I feel is wrong, and it shouldn't be the first course of action in a relationship between a sexual and asexual.

No one is responsible for fulfilling somone else's sexual needs. Not sexuals, and not asexuals. The sexuals don't have to "stop being" sexual, they just have to stop expecting or demanding that sex from someone who doesn't want it. Sex is not a commodity you can expect from someone else. It is not your right to have sex with your partner.

And it is not up to you to decide how someone else feels about having sex, whether they're asexual or sexual. If it bothers them, bores them, hurts them---that's their feeling, not yours.

Your sexuality is your sexuality. You don't have to shut up, you don't have to close off that part of you, but you DO have to take responsibility for what you do yourself, and not blame it on your partner. You also should talk with your partner and decide whether there's a compromise possible. If not, you each have the right to decide what you will do. That could include you having sex with others, in which case you certainly wouldn't be shutting or your sexual needs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...