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SexualHubby

Marriage w/ Asexual wife about to end

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RobotFish
No one is responsible for fulfilling somone else's sexual needs.

Sexual partners generally are, that's the entire point of being sexual and intimate with another person, most people have needs and desires for intimacy, physical contact, love, and sexuality, that can only be fulfilled by having a partner in their life. In relationships i'm in, it has always been my responsibility to pleasure my partner, just like it's likewise been their responsibility to keep up their end of the relationship, i've always seen it that partners have a responsibility to meet their partners need for love, or otherwise there wouldn't be a relationship.

Somethings those responsibilities involve sex, somethings they don't, but I don't think you can say that a partner is NEVER responsible for pleasing their partner, i've always seen that as kind of part of the package, you make me happy, I make you happy, it's a trade.

The sexuals don't have to "stop being" sexual, they just have to stop expecting or demanding that sex from someone who doesn't want it. Sex is not a commodity you can expect from someone else. It is not your right to have sex with your partner.

To ask a sexual to stop talking about sex, stop wanting sex, and stop trying to involve the other partner sexually, is asking them to brick up an entire section of their identity, and asexual partners have to accept that that is as big as a deal as them being expected to be sexual. I think both partners should be pleased with who the other person is, and accept that, and compromise about that, and the neither should have to lie about who they are.

And it is not up to you to decide how someone else feels about having sex, whether they're asexual or sexual. If it bothers them, bores them, hurts them---that's their feeling, not yours.

I never said it was up to me.

Your sexuality is your sexuality. You don't have to shut up, you don't have to close off that part of you, but you DO have to take responsibility for what you do yourself, and not blame it on your partner. You also should talk with your partner and decide whether there's a compromise possible. If not, you each have the right to decide what you will do. That could include you having sex with others, in which case you certainly wouldn't be shutting or your sexual needs.

Yes it is, but part of being in a relationship for me is being able to be who I am, and i'm a sexual person, and I should be able to be a sexual person and not shut off that part of me. I don't think anyone is talking about "blaming" a partner, it just felt like to me that it was bad advice.

"Your needs are unimportant so stop annoying your partner with who you are and your needs, wants, and desires, because they aren't interested who you are." That's basically what that means to me.

Saying that a sexual "pesters" their partner for sex is just as bad as saying an asexual is "pestering" their sexual partner with their LACK of sex. Saying that someones identity is "pestering" the other partner is terrible, there should never be a "pestering".

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Sally
No one is responsible for fulfilling somone else's sexual needs.

Sexual partners generally are, that's the entire point of being sexual and intimate with another person, most people have needs and desires for intimacy, physical contact, love, and sexuality, that can only be fulfilled by having a partner in their life. In relationships i'm in, it has always been my responsibility to pleasure my partner, just like it's likewise been their responsibility to keep up their end of the relationship, i've always seen it that partners have a responsibility to meet their partners need for love, or otherwise there wouldn't be a relationship.

Somethings those responsibilities involve sex, somethings they don't, but I don't think you can say that a partner is NEVER responsible for pleasing their partner, i've always seen that as kind of part of the package, you make me happy, I make you happy, it's a trade.

The sexuals don't have to "stop being" sexual, they just have to stop expecting or demanding that sex from someone who doesn't want it. Sex is not a commodity you can expect from someone else. It is not your right to have sex with your partner.

To ask a sexual to stop talking about sex, stop wanting sex, and stop trying to involve the other partner sexually, is asking them to brick up an entire section of their identity, and asexual partners have to accept that that is as big as a deal as them being expected to be sexual. I think both partners should be pleased with who the other person is, and accept that, and compromise about that, and the neither should have to lie about who they are.

And it is not up to you to decide how someone else feels about having sex, whether they're asexual or sexual. If it bothers them, bores them, hurts them---that's their feeling, not yours.

I never said it was up to me.

Your sexuality is your sexuality. You don't have to shut up, you don't have to close off that part of you, but you DO have to take responsibility for what you do yourself, and not blame it on your partner. You also should talk with your partner and decide whether there's a compromise possible. If not, you each have the right to decide what you will do. That could include you having sex with others, in which case you certainly wouldn't be shutting or your sexual needs.

Yes it is, but part of being in a relationship for me is being able to be who I am, and i'm a sexual person, and I should be able to be a sexual person and not shut off that part of me. I don't think anyone is talking about "blaming" a partner, it just felt like to me that it was bad advice.

"Your needs are unimportant so stop annoying your partner with who you are and your needs, wants, and desires, because they aren't interested who you are." That's basically what that means to me.

Saying that a sexual "pesters" their partner for sex is just as bad as saying an asexual is "pestering" their sexual partner with their LACK of sex. Saying that someones identity is "pestering" the other partner is terrible, there should never be a "pestering".

I think what you're saying is a reflection of what you want in a relationship, not how the majority of people feel. It doesn't really lead to an equal relationship, as in each partner having the right to say "No" when they don't want to do something.

If what you want is a guarantee that your partner will give you what you need when you need it, then you'll have to discuss that throughly with your partner and get their agreement to have that kind of relationship. Otherwise, you're going to be disappointed, and you'll end up angry and claim that they are shutting off your sexuality. Which really won't get you anywhere.

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Olivier

If what you want is a guarantee that your partner will give you what you need when you need it, then you'll have to discuss that throughly with your partner and get their agreement to have that kind of relationship. Otherwise, you're going to be disappointed, and you'll end up angry and claim that they are shutting off your sexuality. Which really won't get you anywhere.

I don't think that's what RobotFish says they want at all.

And I'm as accepting as all get out, but xsex's point 10 rubbed me up the wrong way way back when, too. I think the thought behind it was probably ok, but it just wasn't expressed well. For all the getting cranky I did at xsex, and Sally with RobotFish, I think we actually all agree that acceptance is good, and probably essential, and that it has to go both ways. Don't we?

Only then are you likely to make any progress trying to work out what the hell to do about things, if in fact there is any solution. Good solutions can't come before mutual acceptance, or else they're just not reality-based, and reality chews up self-delusion and spits it out on a regular basis.

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xsex

RoboFish: If your going to quote me, Xsex, then please don't add your words to my quote. I never said "just shut up." You have gone on and on about one statement among my list of ten. Additionally, you swore that I said "just shut up," which I never wrote. Thank you Sally for posting the sentence so it can be read correctly. This was just one sentence that I wrote out of a minimum of 2000 sentences I posted last year. As far as what you are allowing yourself to get worked up over, I have this advice for you to consider when reading other's postings and commenting on them. I think its fair to say that when someone post something, it is assumed that the reader will read another's post and based on their own options decide if what they read has any value for them. So, if you don't agree with my options or advice, then forget about it and find those that offer you what feels right for you.

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Admiral Kitteh

I know this thread is a little old but when I read your post SexualHubby, I cried my eyes out because my heart was breaking. Your story really saddened me at first because as an Asexual with no desire for sex, I am afraid of being alone but I don't want to break another person's heart by denying them sex. I know sex is a big part of most people's lives because it's a way to express love to their partners but since I have no desire for it, I am afraid of breaking someone's heart due to that lack of interest.

I'm really glad though that things are working out for you and that I think what her real problem was, was a low sex-drive perhaps. Though I am a little disappointed that she didn't open up to you and instead kept things bottled up inside. Things could have went a little better if she just opened up but I know how scared someone can be especially with issues like these. I am really upset that Asexuality isn't very well known but all of us, even family members and allies can raise awareness of this little-known orientation.

I am also sorry to hear about your wife's medical issues and I hope everything turns out for the better! We are all cheering for you! :wub:

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SexualHubby

Thanks for the kind post. My wife has been to her gyno and they found 3 places on her cervix that they biopsied on Tuesday. We won't know lab results until next week. We'll see what develops. She is very sore and is taking meds for inflammation now. As far as our relationship goes, all is not great but we are trying. I turned 50 at the end of Feb. and also my mother passed away- it has just been a trying time all around.

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SexualHubby

Update- the places on her cervix were just flukes- nothing to worry about according to the doctor.

I still wanted her to get a second opinion, but she declined. We've had sex once in 2 months.

I guess that's better than none but she doesn't seem interested anymore- says she feels "yucky."

I'm thinking maybe she really is asexual after all. I don't know. Trying to make the best of it right now.

Everything else is great between us.

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mindlife

Thanks for the update.

Asexuals who are repulsed by sexual contact do exist, but that response is not a characteristic common to all asexuals; in other words, it does not define the orientation. Most of the time, they are indifferent or would rather be doing something else.

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SexualHubby

Thanks- yes, she is indifferent or would be doing something else....just right now, repulsed due to past medical condition?

Anyway, seems like if there is a way to not deal with it, she finds it...but then again, I could just be insensitive. I'm trying not to be...

Sorry if this seems like I'm being typical sexual/male.... I'm really not trying to be that either.

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frednsa

Hi S.H.

Ditto. Would you believe 50 years. Love her like CRAZY, still........................

Many fine traits but essentially identical to your wife in the "sexual" behavior.

Tears, rage, prayer, attempts at abstinence, discussion, forebearance, need I go on ??

Can you imagine contemplating divorce at 73 ?

I wish you well and I understand.

The only "comfort" I might offer is that I wish I had "jumped ship" after 22 years; my self-image damage is probably irrepairable.

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astrobean

Don't worry about her labels. Focus on your truth. You deserve happiness. You deserve closeness and intimacy. Yes relationships are about compromising, but science and experience tells us that people need intimacy. Sex is listed as a basic human need (because for 99% of the population, it is). You can love your wife, but clearly when it comes to intimacy, you're not compatible. You've worked on it. You've tried everything you know. There was no way you could have seen this coming. I'm asexual, and I didn't realize it until I was in my early thirties, because it's never been presented as an option. There's always an excuse not to have sex. I had this notion that I was remaining abstinent for religious reasons, and I had no idea abstinence was a difficult choice for others to make.

Marriage counseling at this point is like putting a fresh coat of paint on a condemned house, because you don't want to admit that the walls are crumbling around you. My parents divorced after 33 years, and my mom said one of her biggest fears was that she'd be alone forever. She found someone else and remarried within two years, and she is so much happier. (My grandmother complained about her shacking up with the guy before they were married.)

Follow your heart. Find someone whose weirdness is compatible with yours. When you are happier, your kid will be happier. Good luck to you.

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Lady Girl

This thread hasn't been active for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread.

Lady Girl, Moderator

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