Ok, First Post.

[Rainbow_Girl]

Hiya everyone,

Im Dee :)

Im 21, and have been in a lesbian relationship for almost two years. I have come to believe my girlfriend is Asexual.

Actually maybe she isnt, but for our whole relationship, she has displayed all thecharacteristics of an Asexual person, i dont know if this is something whch can develop over time.. but in her case i believe it as. Even if it is a case of losing her libido, the effect on me is still the same. Im in reationship where there is no sexual content.

When i met my partner, we had sex ocassionally.. to be honest i was happy, its been my first real relationship, i didnt really know to expect any different. As time went on i discovered my partner had been quite sex mad before i met her.. she had many partners and a high sex drive. Yet it all seems to have dried up, she has said many times over that its not me, yet i still feel awful.

She jokes that maybe shes used all her sexual quota up, but when we talk about it she just says she has no desire for sex, or any kind of sexual arousal, she doesn't see a problem as she is prepared to do things to me, but doesnt like me touching her in anyway.

Iv come on this site to maybe get some support. I want to be understanding but i need to be told that im not a terrible person for wanting a healthy sexual relationship. I love my partner very much but im struggling. I realise that my GF may not be textbook Asexual but to me she is.

In my eyes sex is important, to me it is the most you can ever give someone else.. all of you. I think this is why i struggle so much wit the idea that she doesnt want it. Surely this must mean she doesnt lov me? ( i know she does but this is how i think sometimes)

My partner however doesnt feel the same way.. sex to her is in no way sacred or important. In a way this justifies er point, its not important as long as she loves me thats all we need etc..

Yet tat in turn makes me feel bad all over again.. my train of thought goes from "well she used to sleep with anyone... so what wrong with me??"

Its a very difficult situation. As it stands we dont have sex. I go without. I would never pressure her into anything, i just dont even make an effort anymore, its unbelieveably crushing, and demoralising to get turned down on a regular basis.

Any words of comfort or advice or even reassurance would be extremly helpful.

Dee.

(modly edit - fixed broken font tag, darkened font slightly to improve visibility)

[------]

[font="Courier New"]Hiya everyone,

Iv come on this site to maybe get some support. I want to be understanding but i need to be told that im not a terrible person for wanting a healthy sexual relationship. I love my partner very much but im struggling. I realise that my GF may not be textbook Asexual but to me she is.

In my eyes sex is important, to me it is the most you can ever give someone else.. all of you. I think this is why i struggle so much wit the idea that she doesnt want it. Surely this must mean she doesnt lov me? ( i know she does but this is how i think sometimes)

My partner however doesnt feel the same way.. sex to her is in no way sacred or important. In a way this justifies er point, its not important as long as she loves me thats all we need etc..

Yet tat in turn makes me feel bad all over again.. my train of thought goes from "well she used to sleep with anyone... so what wrong with me??"

Its a very difficult situation. As it stands we dont have sex. I go without. I would never pressure her into anything, i just dont even make an effort anymore, its unbelieveably crushing, and demoralising to get turned down on a regular basis.

Any words of comfort or advice or even reassurance would be extremly helpful.[/font]

Does your girlfriend know you feel this way or have you kept it quiet because you don't want to pressure her into sex? If you have kept it quiet I see why you have but you need to tell her. Communication is a key part of a healthy relationship and you're not happy. There's been a fair amount of posts in the For Sexual Partners, Frields and Allies section (link: http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showforum=30) along these lines. You may find helpful ideas in that area.

A lot of the sexual partners that have said they gave up sex have stated they were very unhappy with the situation and I remember a few that even went down the road of depression. It's a terrible road to go down and if you know what the cause of it is and can solve it: do it. Don't allow it to happen. You have to discuss this all with her.

You are not a terrible person. You're extremely understanding for giving up something very important to you for her comfort. She needs to know that and understand what it means to you.

I believe most asexual/sexual couples here go for the compromise route that they have sex but not as often as the sexual person would. You have already shown that you respect her decision to not have sex and she needs to respect the fact it's very important to you.

I hope this has helped. :)

[ghosts]

Moving this to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

-ghosts, Relationships moderator

[henshin]

She jokes that maybe shes used all her sexual quota up, but when we talk about it she just says she has no desire for sex, or any kind of sexual arousal, she doesn't see a problem as she is prepared to do things to me, but doesnt like me touching her in anyway

I think this is hitting the nail on the head right here. your gf thinks that when you want sex you just want the physical activity because thats what it is to her, but you see it as an emotional experience as well as a physical one. is there any other way you could feel this emotional closeness to your girlfriend? you say you think sex is the most you can ever give someone, but this isn't the most you can give your girlfriend, do you know what she feels would be the most you could give her?

when your gf does stuff to you, how do you feel to know she's not as emotionally involved as you? how is her giving you pleasure but not feeling aroused about it different to you giving her pleasure (theoretically), as long as she's happy to do it?

it seems to me its not about what you can give your girlfriend so much as you not feeling desired and being insecure about how she feels about you. is there no other way she could convince you of her feelings?

sorry loads of questions. i know that post sounds like i'm being critical but i'm really not intending to be, its just trying to pin down speicifically what it is that you want that you don't currently have.