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Pamcakes

Is anybody out there?

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SweetSong

Pamcakes

I'm afraid I don't have anything of real use to say, but I just wanted to say that I admire your dedication to this man - whether you end up staying with him or not, never doubt that you've loved him enough. I very much hope that the best course comes to pass for you.

P.S. I love your username. :cake:

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Pamcakes

SweetSong, thankyou for your kind words. :-)

And happylife, I'm not at all offended; no apology necessary. :-D

P.

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happylife

whew.. ^_^

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Pamcakes

Checking back in...

There has been no further development.

Since he is happy and having all his needs met (something I have ascertained by coming straight out and asking him), this is obviously my problem and I have to take the responsibility for dealing with it.

I guess I'll just have to learn to live without.

P.

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loving_partner
Checking back in...

There has been no further development.

Since he is happy and having all his needs met (something I have ascertained by coming straight out and asking him), this is obviously my problem and I have to take the responsibility for dealing with it.

I guess I'll just have to learn to live without.

P.

You don't have to make all the sacrifices in the relationship. If you are the love of his life as well, then he wants you to be happy. Let him know when you aren't, and keep working to find a place where you can both be happy.

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happylife
When he questioned my rising, sounding scared, I, exhausted and miserable and a little bitter, stepped out of my normal gentle character and snapped, a little; I told him I was getting up because I just couldn't stand to lie there next to him, anymore, and that it was too painful (harsh, I know, but put yourself in my shoes - I'm a human being and I can only stretch so far).

where is this Pamcakes now?

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Jazmin
Checking back in...

There has been no further development.

Since he is happy and having all his needs met (something I have ascertained by coming straight out and asking him), this is obviously my problem and I have to take the responsibility for dealing with it.

I guess I'll just have to learn to live without.

P.

*frown*

hmm, that doesn't really sound fair. I agree with loving_partner. I don't think that it's fair for only one person to feel like they should be making the sacrifices. It's not just 'your problem' and something only you have to deal with. Relationships should be about working out things together, and both sides have to give a little or lose a little sometimes, as the case may be.

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dirigible
Checking back in...

There has been no further development.

Since he is happy and having all his needs met (something I have ascertained by coming straight out and asking him), this is obviously my problem and I have to take the responsibility for dealing with it.

I guess I'll just have to learn to live without.

P.

Bollocks.

Your relationship consists of 2 people. If something's not right in aforementioned relationship, it's up to both people to work on setting it right.

A relationship is not "every man for himself."

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Pamcakes

We slept together, last night, at his instigation.

And it was...it was good, I guess. It would have been better if I'd been able to leave all the obvious anxieties outside the bed, but that's not how it works.

And now I'm back to square one of confused. If he enjoys making love occasionally, but each time I never know how long it'll be before it happens again, how am I supposed to get into any sort of mental pattern to adjust?

*bangs head against tabletop repeatedly*

P.

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SexualHubby
We slept together, last night, at his instigation.

And it was...it was good, I guess. It would have been better if I'd been able to leave all the obvious anxieties outside the bed, but that's not how it works.

And now I'm back to square one of confused. If he enjoys making love occasionally, but each time I never know how long it'll be before it happens again, how am I supposed to get into any sort of mental pattern to adjust?

*bangs head against tabletop repeatedly*

P.

You might consider scheduling it... talk to him and see when is a good time. I know that many asexuals do this- it seems to take the anxiety of the unknown out of it and it would help you prepare for it as well.

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Pamcakes
We slept together, last night, at his instigation.

And it was...it was good, I guess. It would have been better if I'd been able to leave all the obvious anxieties outside the bed, but that's not how it works.

And now I'm back to square one of confused. If he enjoys making love occasionally, but each time I never know how long it'll be before it happens again, how am I supposed to get into any sort of mental pattern to adjust?

*bangs head against tabletop repeatedly*

P.

You might consider scheduling it... talk to him and see when is a good time. I know that many asexuals do this- it seems to take the anxiety of the unknown out of it and it would help you prepare for it as well.

Yeah, I've suggested that, but we can't do that because "that's not romantic".

Le sigh...

P.

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SexualHubby
We slept together, last night, at his instigation.

And it was...it was good, I guess. It would have been better if I'd been able to leave all the obvious anxieties outside the bed, but that's not how it works.

And now I'm back to square one of confused. If he enjoys making love occasionally, but each time I never know how long it'll be before it happens again, how am I supposed to get into any sort of mental pattern to adjust?

*bangs head against tabletop repeatedly*

P.

You might consider scheduling it... talk to him and see when is a good time. I know that many asexuals do this- it seems to take the anxiety of the unknown out of it and it would help you prepare for it as well.

Yeah, I've suggested that, but we can't do that because "that's not romantic".

Le sigh...

P.

You may have to convince him that it can be, seriously... and to give it a try- he won't know until he tries.

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Pamcakes
You may have to convince him that it can be, seriously... and to give it a try- he won't know until he tries.

Hmmmmn. I know you didn't mean for it to, SH, but something about that wording really bothers me.

"You may have to convince him". I am extremely leery of pressuring him over an issue I know him to find very stressful.

It is so hard to find a balance between expressing my needs and not seeming insistent or selfish.

Although, admittedly, the longer I spend on Aven, the better I feel about the situation, as if somehow understanding what may potentially be wrong takes some of the sting out of the problem. I have some days where I'm really quite zen about it, although others...not so much.

P.

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SexualHubby

Sorry about the wording- in my case (sexual male married to an asexual female or just very low drive- still trying to figure this one out), it has taken a therapist to help her understand (maybe that's a better set of terms). I was not able to do it myself.

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Pamcakes

So, I think I have come to a decision.

I think I need to move out.

I need to find a good job so that I can support myself, and I need to separate from my partner.

I know that what I truly want is to regain my independence. I don't want to have to live with his constant rejection anymore. I don't want to have to sleep next to someone who hugs me and then just rolls over and goes to sleep, while I cry beside him.

I'm not sure I want to be with someone who can sleep, knowing what he does about what it means for me.

My plan is this; I will get a good job and save some cash. I will move out, and tell him that I am happy to return to the 'dating' stage - dial the relationship back a bit while not actually breaking up, but that I want to live by myself for a while.

Because living with him is breaking my heart.

P.

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aaan

I think that's a good decision. I can't see how someone who can't live without sex and someone who won't have sex could make a lasting relationship work together (anyone here who's done this, feel free to correct me). Good luck with whatever happens in this next part of your life, hopefully you'll either find someone who satisfies your needs or you'll find a way to live without. :cake:

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Pamcakes
I think that's a good decision. I can't see how someone who can't live without sex and someone who won't have sex could make a lasting relationship work together (anyone here who's done this, feel free to correct me). Good luck with whatever happens in this next part of your life, hopefully you'll either find someone who satisfies your needs or you'll find a way to live without. :cake:

Hey, thanks for the kind wishes, but I'm not planning to leave him; just to move out, to see if we can return the relationship to a lower-pressure place.

See if we can't start again, a little.

P.

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aaan

Ah right. It's still a big change, so hopefully it will work out a lot better. Best of luck!

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LadyLongLocks

Pamcakes, I also think this is a good decision. Best of luck to you and keep us updated! :)

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Olivier

As tough a decision as this is, I think it's always good to know you're not dependent on your relationship. If you need to prove that to yourself by living apart, then go for it. I don't think it in itself solves any issues with the relationship itself, but it may give space for a solution to get worked out, or soften the impact if it doesn't.

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daveb

Best wishes, pamcakes!

It's never easy, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you.

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Pamcakes

Thanks, guys. Obviously, it's not something I can do right now, but I feel much better having a plan.

At least I know how I'm going to move forward.

P.

P.S. On the incredibly unlikely chance that we resolve our differences between now and then, I will, of course, revise my plan. Hope springs eternal, and all that.

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hopeeternal

Your partner sounds just like my husband. Always too tired. Claims to find me desirable etc... You mention that scheduling sex is not "romantic". Well that is exactly what my hubby did. Its not a terrible compromise, it takes away that not knowing which killed me in the early years. In fact I think I may have said something about that and as he never wants to talk about it either, he came up with "Sunday mornings" on his own. It can feel a bit like a date night and give one something to look forward to all week.. However, I go through periods of terrible angst, mainly when I get a hormonal surge and my sex drive skyrockets or if he gets a bit "lazy and mechanical" with the sex itself . Oh I dont mind once in a while for that but when mnay weeks go by and its like that. Then I go through this whole thing mentally like I am now. When I think about it if the scheduled sex is much more like love-making then I can live with it and love it. When it gets mechanical I start to long for more frequent encounters. and start fantasizing about really romantic sex.

On the other hand your plan sounds well thought out and is a good one.

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henshin

Ok, I just wanted to chip in and say that your partner's objections that scheduling sex will not be romantic is slightly ridiculous when having sex at all is not that plesant for you and just what the hell is his definition of romantic if not that his partner is entirely into it???

glad you've got a plan. let us know how it goes. what kind of work are you looking at?

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Pamcakes
glad you've got a plan. let us know how it goes. what kind of work are you looking at?

Before I got sick, I was in hospitality. I absolutely hated it (I have some mild social anxiety, so that high-pressure, dealing-with-the-public environment was incredibly stressful for me), and I can't possibly go back to it. The psychological stress factor aside, I just don't have the physicality for it, anymore.

However, I have done some freelance secretarial and clerical stuff, working from home, over the last few years, so I'm applying mainly for office support jobs.

P.

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BunnyK.
So, I think I have come to a decision.

I think I need to move out.

I need to find a good job so that I can support myself, and I need to separate from my partner.

I know that what I truly want is to regain my independence. I don't want to have to live with his constant rejection anymore. I don't want to have to sleep next to someone who hugs me and then just rolls over and goes to sleep, while I cry beside him.

I'm not sure I want to be with someone who can sleep, knowing what he does about what it means for me.

My plan is this; I will get a good job and save some cash. I will move out, and tell him that I am happy to return to the 'dating' stage - dial the relationship back a bit while not actually breaking up, but that I want to live by myself for a while.

Because living with him is breaking my heart.

P.

I'm both sorry and glad to hear that. Sorry because I know how much it hurts to have to make that kind of decision, and glad because I hated to see you paralyzed in a situation that was clearly making you unhappy. Good luck going forward - I know you'll be fine no matter how things turn out. :)

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Sally

If hugs are still OK on AVEN, *hugs*

And :cake::cake::cake: We need cake at difficult times as well as good times.

You'll work your way out of this, literally and figuratively, Pamcakes.

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Pamcakes

BunnyK and Sally, thankyou both. :-)

*accepts hugs and sends a few back*

P.

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daveb

Pamcakes, you come across as a very intelligent and caring person so I'm confident you can and will do fine. Best wishes, and some :cake: !

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Pamcakes
Pamcakes, you come across as a very intelligent and caring person so I'm confident you can and will do fine. Best wishes, and some :cake: !

Thankyou, daveb, and right back at you; I really enjoy reading your posts because you always have something interesting to say. :)

*scoffs cake*

P.

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