My Answer...Finally!

[PrincessHershey]

Since I found this website and began to read, I can not stop crying.

I am married (soon to be divorced) to an asexual man.

When I met K, I was coming out of a relationship that was long distance but the sex was intense and extremely fulfilling so I felt really good about my sexuality and my ability to please my partner. When I met my husband, he seemed heaven sent and treated me with such care and love. He embodied so many loving qualities that I was searching for and our courtship seemed so unreal. During our courtship, although we kissed and were very touchy feely, our two sexual attempts were very awkward. K seemed to struggle which in turn made me feel like I wasn't doing something right which I internalized as needing to lose weight and change myself. Without words, our courtship became more about cuddles and dating and the idea that our marriage would be where we would learn how to please one another.

But with K, I liked and loved him so much, that our lack of cohesiveness seemed minor. It was something that I thought once we got married and with more practice and getting to know each other would correct itself. I was VERY wrong. Our wedding night...no sex. Our honeymoon...no sex. Our first year...a couple of attempts that left me so unsatisfied and so sad for the both of us. I felt like I was begging to be loved and that made feel so low. My heart began to crumble and my soul ached. I buried the very best of myself under 60 extra lbs during my first year of marriage and my passionate fire and eagerness for sex was doused. Yes we enjoyed each other's company like best friends but there always the awkwardness of going to bed each night and knowing that I would quietly cry myself to sleep.

I started asking questions because this was his second marriage (it lasted three months because he said 'he wasn't attracted to her'). What really happened in your first marriage? Are you really attracted to me? Are you gay? Do you want to go to the doctor? Can I help? What can we do to help each other?

We saw several doctors thinking he had ED (basically my thoughts) and even with medicine he still had no interest. I tried lotions, creams, aroma therapy, foods; anything that I could read that would help still nothing. So I backed off thinking I was creating to much pressure. Still something just wasn't adding up. I kept questioning soon to realize that he had been having this 'problem' for years and that it really wasn't me. This angered me. Before we were married, he kept bouncing from woman to woman when he couldn't or wouldn't perform. After one very heated argument, he said I'm use to not having sex and I just don't need it. And what I heard is that I don't care about your needs. His actions were deceptive.

When I began to read this site, I finally knew the answer and I felt like I am not alone in this. Other people have been going through this and I wished I had found this earlier. Maybe it will help me to forgive him but most importantly I can now forgive myself and stop being so embarrassed and humiliated. This relationship has been emotionally draining. I want my life back. Divorce is my answer.

[Tapestry]

I wish you the best! If you read any of my prior posts, you will find that your story sounds A LOT like mine. I don't know how long you've been married, but in my case it is 15 years and 3 kids. For the last year I seriously considered divorce, but I just can't do it with the kids. Someday maybe, but I just don't know yet.

I hope you are able to heal yourself, realize it's not any undesirability on your part, and get back your own happiness and inner spirit (that if you are like me, has been buried)! Good luck!

[ColBrandon]

I'm very sorry to hear of your heartache. As you may have read in my prior posts, I'm a demisexual/asexual man going through a separation from my sexual wife. Your husband has behaved selfishly and you are rightly angry. I think that many people end up in your position because their asexual spouse simply doesn't comprehend how important sex is to you. We can really only try to imagine the vital need that sexuals have for sex, and sadly many of us have not tried. I hope that you will find love and happiness going forward.