Adnama Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Gerr, darn sexual friends who have to bring up questions I'd rather not ponder. I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone last night, I've brought her up a few times here. Coincidently, she's the person who actually first sugested the term "asexual" to me from a human standpoint, before that I'd never heard the term out side of bio class. I remember we were standing in the lunch line one day [....so many of my stories regarding her happen in the lunch line, I met her in a lunch line lol] and we got into a conversation about my complete... 'unlike' of either boys or girls in -that- way for which I had no term at the time. And she looked at me and goes, "maybe your asexual?" Some time after that I finaly stumbled upon this place, and decided that I was, indeed, asexual. Well... now she's retracting that observation, and she actually... implied... some valid points in a very round about 'lets not talk about that out loud/not exactly sure how to put it, but we both know what I mean' sort of way. She dosn't think I'm asexual. From what I could gather it's her opinon that I'm instead... either sexually imature or blocking that part out or some such thing. She said that I "don't look asexual" "have you ever known another asexual?" "well... no... but...." That sounds really stupid. But I think it's probably just one of those things that you just know, but you don't know how or why, that probably has alot to do with just knowing a person- so I kind of know what she means. Don't any one get after her too much. Any how, I've put much thought into this since last night. And I think my actual question at this ponit is... How does fear of people... or fear of... relationships... intimency... fit into asexuality? Are they two different things? Are they one in the same? This is something that I pushed off into the farthest corner of my brain once I found out about asexuality, and I got quite comfortable with it there where I didn't have to think about it. But she came along and brought it all up again. It's just... I've always been warry of relationships of any kind. I have a major problem with holding friendships togeather [infact I very deeply fear for the friendship with this girl, but thats a totaly different topic] and my biggest fear in the world is looseing friends- which has happend [is happening....] MANY times. At this point I've actually decided I never ever never want another 'friend' [aquantences are good though] ever again. I'm ramming up my walls and I'll never get close to another human being... what a great outlook on life for a 16 year old eh? Obviously if I can't even handle a friend, a romatic relationship with anyone is positively out of the question. I don't quite want to admit that that is possibly the... cause of my 'asexuality.' Simply being afraid of all the horrible things that happen when I get close to people. I mean close both physically [you have to know me real well before you can touch me without geting glared at] and emotionally [more emotionally though]. When someone gets to know me, it just seems like it sets off a horrible chain of events that eventually leads to the loss of that friendship in one way or another, and it's always my fault. I'm too obsessive, or too werid, or do all the wrong things, or whatever. But if my 'asexuality' does stem from the whole... afraid of people thing... then is it even asexuality at all? I'm wondering how coherent this entire post has been... not very I'm sure. If anyone has any concept of what the heak I'm going on about though... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Two things are true: 1) Relationships do not have to involve sexuality or physicality to "count," so long as you are forming relationships that involve trust and mutual vulnerability you can know that you're not running from anything. 2) Asexuality is a description- not a limitation. It's a way of telling people where you are, not of walling off where you can be. It's definitely important that you challenge yourself to form relationships if they're something that you feel you want. As you form them, however, you need to be open to the possibility that the relationships that you want to form may not look like the (sexual) ones that people expect you to, or that you may not feel that much of a need for relationships at all. Sometimes you have to go to the places where you are uncomfortable to understand why you're uncomfortable with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Adnama Posted September 24, 2004 Author Share Posted September 24, 2004 ....erp... I think my post got stollen by the AVENghost... *glares around for the elusive phantom* darn, just missed him I think... *goes ghost hunting, whilest re-directing attnetion to her original topic* Link to post Share on other sites
fluffy_hime Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 She dosn't think I'm asexual. From what I could gather it's her opinon that I'm instead... either sexually imature or blocking that part out or some such thing. Who cares what she thinks. Maybe you are sexually "immature" or repressed, or maybe you're just asexual. No need to worry about it, as time will tell. How does fear of people... or fear of... relationships... intimency... fit into asexuality? Are they two different things? Are they one in the same? Two different things, I'd imagine. There're people here who aren't afraid of people or relationships. I don't think you being afraid of people would have anything to do with asexuality. There are people who are quite anti-social and have healthy "appetites", and there are people who are not anti-social and have no appetite. (Psssst...it's "intimacy" and your av no longer works.. :)) Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 Perhaps you should pose a few questions to your friend. First off, ask her what an asexual is supposed to look like? She'll no doubt say "well, you know" or "I don't know" and change the topic. Then ask her why she's always so interested in your sex life. I don't 'kind of know' what she was talking about, I just think it's creepy when someone spends a little bit too much time discussing another person's sex life. Yes, I AM scared of relationships and intimacy and it's because, up until recently, I've been worried about when the moment comes that I'm expected to WANT to 'take it to the next level'. Having met some asexuals in person and getting to know others at the site here, I have a bit more confidence that I could probably fit into the circle if we all had the means to gather. And even if I don't, I won't be expected to take a separate room with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Vicious Trollop Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 Well, I completely relate to your fear (for a want of a better word) of relationships. I have a lot of trouble building friendships, let alone potential romantic or sexual relationships. There is certainly a possibility that this could be the cause of one's sexuality. You just need to do a lot of self-exploration. For me, I'm pretty sure I'm both asocial and asexual and neither is the cause of the other. Because I know I desire friendships, even if I suck at them. And I know I don't desire sexual relationships -- which is cool for me, because I'd undoubtedly suck at them. So it's definitely a personal thing, and no one can say why you feel and respond the way you do. Just let things evolve naturally, always do what feels right, and follow your gut instinct. The labels and root causes aren't all that important as long as, day to day, you're generally happy with the course you choose. Don't let it stress you out -- this is the kind of thing that works itself out, I believe. Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 That's a good question, Adnama. I don't know if there can be an absolutely hard and fast answer, though. Fear of rejection is probably the most universal of all human fears. I don't think it is necessarily a cause of asexuality, but I am convinced that the two can sometimes be interconnected and may even reinforce each other in some cases. Just being asexual by itself will get you rejected sooner or later by the vast majority of "interested" sexuals, even if you are well-adjusted in every way. (100% rejection rate in my experience, but I'm allowing that there might be an exception someplace.) If you have other personality issues to compound that, then the problem might be even worse. The best advice I can offer is to study human beings and find out what they want and need in relationships of ALL types. There are all sorts of books on this topic and they don't all agree, so read as many as you can to get a balanced perspective. It may surprise you to learn how simple people's most basic needs really are. You will also (probably) learn things about yourself that will prove helpful. It's a start, anyway. At 16 it is really tough. Hang in there and don't let it make you crazy. -Greybird Link to post Share on other sites
Live R Perfect Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the reason I haven't had a relationship for god-know-how-many years now is because deep down I always knew I wasn't interested in sex, and my experience had taught me that the vast majority of women are, so chances are that it'll only wind up with one or both of us getting hurt. Over the last few years, though, I've become much more comfortable with living the single life. I can't see myself getting into any sort of intense intimate relationship with anyone in the near future because I enjoy my freedom and independence. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 That is almost exactly how I feel, Liver. Even when I was 'trying' to date I really wasn't. I did everything I could to get out of meeting or talking to people I might then be expected to go out with because I knew dating led to sex and I didn't want that. Now I'm happy to be alone and when people ask me out I just say no thank you. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 Your not alone.... First off don't listen to what anyone says!!!!!! I, like many of these awesome people on this forum have always known that we were different from hetrosexuals i.e. not being atttracted to sex or gender since we were kids.... I think you will find that there are a lot on this board who feel the same way in regards to not being able to form relationships of friendship, and even romatic relationships... I have that problem as well...I even went to a shrink thinking there is something majorily wrong with me..... My shrink gave me a title like Asperger syndrome.... The reason of me wanting to me alone and have complusive interest and the fact that I am not interested in sex and have extreeeeeme difficulties in bonding with people... My point is don't let your friend confuse you....There is no such thing as sexually immature... And, as far as being afraid of intimacy and relationships....It is veeeeery normal especially for asexual people... The very thought of having to have intimacy with people scares the "hell" out of me...I avoid it because to me intimacy doesn't feel very comfortable...So of course I get scared when it comes to relationships... The only one that is going to understand yourself is you and you alone....No one knows how you feel because they aren't you and hetorsexual people don't get us because there libos are not the same as ours.... A great thing that has put me at peace with myself is this cool forum...Just the very fact that I wasn't alone in my feelings and to know there are people out there that feel the same way as me in regards to sex, relationships romatic or friendship types has healed me quite a bit... Kalo! Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 *grabs thread* *holds it down* It was trying to run awaaaaaay. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 i admit, i do have a fear of intimacy, mainly because of what happened to me 3 years ago. hell, the guy i'm w/ now (yes, hell froze over & aury got a boyfriend. NOTHING HAPPENED, THOUGH!!!)(you honestly think i'm gonna let him?! shit... :? ) actually respects me, & keeps his damned hands to himself (& apologizes profusely if his hands wander accidentally). however, there are times in which i'll push him away (physically) if he even puts his arm around me cause a flashback will occur. he's EXTREMELY patient, though... that's a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 I do have a fear.. no, just a logical desire to avoid relationships. Having loved and lost, and worse, having seen that being in love brings out the very worst in me, I've tried to avoid it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 ...just a logical desire to avoid relationships. ...having seen that being in love brings out the very worst in me, I've tried to avoid it. Ditto. Congratulations, Aury! :D Cate Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 I do have a fear.. no, just a logical desire to avoid relationships. Having loved and lost, and worse, having seen that being in love brings out the very worst in me, I've tried to avoid it. Yep! I could expound farther, but Davey summed it up quite nicely. There is indeed a certain logic involved when you figure out that putting your hand in the furnace will invariably get it severely burned. At some point, any right-thinking person will stop putting their hand in! The biggest problem arises when your peers constantly tell you that the fire is only warm, cozy, and wonderful. -Greybird Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted September 26, 2004 Share Posted September 26, 2004 uh, thanks? 8) Link to post Share on other sites
IT Posted September 26, 2004 Share Posted September 26, 2004 I think I can relate very much to many of the comments made in this thread. I was much more likely to date and try and build romantic relationships with girls earlier in my life but since I did not desire sex enough invariably I would end up disappointing the woman I was having a relationship with because I thought that she would almost certainly want a sexual relationship. I haven't really tried hard to get into a relationship since having a regular girlfriend for a few months in late 1997. I went to bed with her a couple of times but on both occasions she ended up wondering why she wasn't attractive enough for me get excited enough to have full sexual intercourse with her. The last time I half tried to get into a relationship was with another unfortunate lady a couple of years ago before I moved out of London. We had dates and french-kissed on and off for a couple of years but I could never explain to her exactly why I never wanted to go back to her place after a night out whenever she would ask. Again unfortunately this left yet another very disappointed woman questioning herself again when it was my 'fault' that I couldn't express or explain my feelings properly. I had a few beers with a sexual friend on Friday night who is just about the only person I have really admitted being asexual too so far. He points out that some times a lot of women in his experience don't mind having a boyfriend who primarily prefers to lie in bed and cuddle rather than have sex. He says that he and his girlfriend do that a lot of the time and that they or most other couples don't have sex nearly as much as I might think. He thinks that if I continue to concentrate on lowering my anxieties about this and get back to being my old self who really used to enjoy the company of the opposite sex then the right opportunities for non-sexual romantic relationships will present themselves suprisingly quickly . So apparently there may be hope for us all! I think bravery and honesty about one's own asexuality or lack of sex drive to the potential partner concerned is a must though, which of course is easier said than done. Colin :D Link to post Share on other sites
Davey Posted September 26, 2004 Share Posted September 26, 2004 Felt like elaborating. I really don't like the person I become when I'm in love. (One experience - not a statistically significant sample, but still.) I get (got?) obsessive, overanalytical, callous, insensitive.. and I lose the chivalry upon which I usually pride myself. Needless to say, I chased away the object of my affection. Oldest story in the book. Link to post Share on other sites
Shockwave Posted September 26, 2004 Share Posted September 26, 2004 Felt like elaborating. I really don't like the person I become when I'm in love. (One experience - not a statistically significant sample, but still.) I get (got?) obsessive, overanalytical, callous, insensitive.. and I lose the chivalry upon which I usually pride myself. Needless to say, I chased away the object of my affection. Oldest story in the book. You just summarized every chapter in my Book of Love. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted September 26, 2004 Share Posted September 26, 2004 I know. I was thinking the same thing. I get nuts when I like someone. Thank goodness that hasn't happened in about five years. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted September 26, 2004 Share Posted September 26, 2004 It took a long time before I managed to gain a modicum of control over what I reluctantly acknowledge as my "wimpy, dependent, and emotional side". On the few occasions when it managed to get control I was NOT a person that I would care to be around, or whose presence I would wish on others. It's a wonder I have any remaining friends from those years. I generally enjoy good results keeping it in check nowadays, but I have sometimes wondered what people would think if I were to write down excerpts from the inner dialog that takes place whenever it tries to rear its whiney little head. *wonders why the sleeves are so long on that jacket ... ?* -Greybird Link to post Share on other sites
Adnama Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 Wow, lots of great coments. Ahh, thats what I love about AVEN. Thank you guys so much, you helped tons. For me, I'm pretty sure I'm both asocial and asexual and neither is the cause of the other. Because I know I desire friendships, even if I suck at them. And I know I don't desire sexual relationships -- which is cool for me, because I'd undoubtedly suck at them. -I think that really just about sums up exactly what I'm feeling but couldn't quite explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Bee Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 I personally think that it has been fear that has motivated me to avoid relationships, and ultimately it has controlled my actions since i was 10. What i am frightened of though- i really don't know. Fear of loss maybe. Asexuality has been my safety net and my way of blocking out my sexuality. I do wonder if in time, i will be able to build a relationship on my own terms. After all sex is always going to be a fairly low priority with me, and what i really would like is companionship and friendship with emotional closeness. Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 I like having time to myself. If I have too many friends (or even worse, a relationship), I won't have as much time to myself. Hell, I'm already lacking enough free time as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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