fungeki Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Well I was just wondering how many sexuals involved with an asexual partner have sex outside the relationship? And are you asexuals okay with this? (i know it varies with person to person I'd just like to know if anyone would hate that their partner would go and do that or even suggest it) Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Not me. Not ever. Not my thing - I never had sex outside my past relationships with sexuals, either. Link to post Share on other sites
ghosts Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I'm asexual & I'm cool with it! But there'd have to be communication & respect about the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 if my partner had sex outside the relationship,, probably the bond between me and liquor bottles would become stronger. it's a really bad dream.. if it's a dream. but I don't worry because we would have broken up before that happened. Link to post Share on other sites
savemymarriage Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I haven't had sex outside the relationship. Before I realized that there may be a reason behind our issues, I threatened it a few times. Not only were they empty threats, but he really didn't seem as though he would be bothered by it. I would like to, if the right person came along, but I would probably never forgive myself and end up sleeping in a confessional booth at church. Link to post Share on other sites
hamachi Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I thought about doing it (without communication - like cheating), but then I realized that it would be the wrong decision, and that the mature thing to do would be to communicate about and end the relationship if it was wrong for me. I don't see any possibility that my ex-bf would have consented to my sleeping with someone outside the relationship once we agreed we were boyfriend/girlfriend rather than just dating. Link to post Share on other sites
fungeki Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 I'm asexual & I'm cool with it! But there'd have to be communication & respect about the whole thing. My gf is like that but it hurts my feelings whenever she says I could go and do it. Its against my morals. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Not for me, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Masquerade Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I am an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, and I would be completely and totally heartbroken if my SO had sex with anyone else. When discussing compatibility between our differing sexualities, we decided that it simply was not an option -- neither of us would be okay with that. Not only would it be going against our morals, it would be going against the foundations of trust and commitment upon which we built our relationship. The arrangement could very well work for other couples, but I've noticed here on AVEN that the general result tends to be that the sexual person begins to develop a strong emotional (and sometimes romantic) bond with their sexual partner, creating tension for all parties involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 It's been said it could work if there's "communication and respect" but no relationship is ever totally rationally and reasonable and based on open communication and respect. Unless you're having sex with a sex worker, there's going to be some emotion on the part of both partners, and the third person is going to feel emotion also. The third person usually will feel left out, because they are left out of an activity that's emotionally and physically very important to their partner, but one they just can't participate in. I would think sex outside the relationship would just bring on the end of the relationship, not help it continue. Link to post Share on other sites
bitterforsweet Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I would be really hurt if my partner has sex outside the relationship. I don't think it's fair to either party. As an asexual I wouldn't want someone I care about forming intimate connections with other people, especially not for sex. At the same time it's not fair for the sexual person to have to give up something that is a part of them. If sex is that important to them then we wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
ghosts Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I'm asexual & I'm cool with it! But there'd have to be communication & respect about the whole thing. My gf is like that but it hurts my feelings whenever she says I could go and do it. Its against my morals. I'm sorry that it hurts your feelings when she says that. But I'm guessing it's not against her morals and doesn't make her feel so bad. As someone who's drawn towards "open" relationships rather than monogamous ones, I guess I'd feel a bit odd if the person I had a really close relationships with said that it hurt their feelings if I mentioned the possibility of an open relationship, because it's just something that I'm drawn to and prefer... It'd almost be like someone saying that asexuality was against their morals. It's been said it could work if there's "communication and respect" but no relationship is ever totally rationally and reasonable and based on open communication and respect. Unless you're having sex with a sex worker, there's going to be some emotion on the part of both partners, and the third person is going to feel emotion also. The third person usually will feel left out, because they are left out of an activity that's emotionally and physically very important to their partner, but one they just can't participate in. I would think sex outside the relationship would just bring on the end of the relationship, not help it continue. I dunno. I mean, it's been working for me for a number of years, and the relationship has only gotten better. ::shrugs:: I think there are also plenty of successful polyamorous relationships out there, and that can suggest that this is real and viable option for forming relationships for some people. However, I should also add that I'm an asexual who's having sex with their sexual partner. It is a sexual and emotional relationship. But my partner has also pursued outside relationships, both sexual and emotionally intimate. It doesn't change how they feel about me, and it doesn't change our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Hallucigenia Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 *raises hand* Another token polyamorous person here. Erm, before I really knew I was poly, I was in a relationship with, well, not an asexual exactly, but a demisexual who wasn't really all that attracted to me. We made it work, more or less, but we eventually decided to let me try having a fling with someone else. Not because I was so unfulfilled with my current partner, but just because I was curious and we both thought it would be an adventure / learning experience. There was trust and communication and all that jazz, and then (surprise!) I developed an emotional connection with my other partner, and that turned out to NOT be okay, and... yeah. Bit of a mess, and the relationship with the demisexual didn't survive. We're still friends. So that's my story. Nowadays, my partner has both sex and emotional connections outside of our relationship, and that's totally fine with me. I guess it must sound weird to a monogamous person, but I know he's crazy about me; I just don't feel threatened by whatever else he does. If you're horrified by the thought of you or your partner having an emotional connection with another person, then don't even go there. Unless the person in question has had a lot of casual sex and knows they can do it without a connection developing, the odds are that it probably will. But if you can imagine your partner loving someone else (and still loving you, too) without it feeling like a huge betrayal, then it may be worth trying. Also, I sort of feel like, if you're going "I think I could be happy with multiple partners and it's something I'd like to try," then that's one thing. But if you're going "I'd normally be monogamous, but my sex life with you is so crappy that I HAVE to get another partner," then that... just... well, it seems to me like a really emotionally unhealthy frame of reference in which to be experimenting with this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I guess this sex outside relationship thing would work best when everyone involved is polyamorous. the asexual. the sexual. and the third party. capable of loving more than one person at the same time. if a monogamous person goes somewhere else temporarily for sex leaving another monogamous person at home and returns temporarily to where he/she departed, while the two monogamous persons are sharing time and space they might often feel not so happy under the same roof. if the third party is also monogamous? please.. Link to post Share on other sites
smaych Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I'm in a polyamorous relationship. My partners have sex with each other and it doesn't bother me at all. They could have sex with other people and it wouldn't bother me. They could tell me or not tell me, it wouldn't bother me. Their relationships with other people don't really affect me in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 A polyamorous relationship is the only way I'd be okay with it- and if it wasn't cheating. I'd want ot know the person and be okay with the other relationship, and it'd take a bit of work. But I suppose it could happen. I know plenty of asexuals who couldn't do either polyamory or sex outside the relationship, though. Link to post Share on other sites
wonderlost Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I think it works better in theory than in practice. You would have to have a REALLY solid relationship to have that sort of arrangement without the sexual feeling some sort of guilt or the asexual feeling inadequate/betrayed after a certain period of time. But that's not to say it's impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
live wire Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Seems pretty split here between the no-ways and the no-other-ways. I'm going to add my opinion to the latter pile. I've read the story on here too many times where a sexual partner goes without sex for the sake of a monogamous relationship and ends up resenting their partner for it. If it works for you then great but I don't think I could go into a relationship with someone who would then deprive themselves of sex just because of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 It just occurred to me that polyamorous means that all three people are in a loving relationship with each other. That's very different from one partner having sex with a person outside the two-person relationship. A polyamorous relationship can't just spring from one person not wanting to do without sex; it has to be the wish and intention of both partners. So it really isn't "sex outside the relationship." Link to post Share on other sites
< retired > Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Hmmm....my SO gets frisky and starts rubbing herself against inanimate objects and making strange mewling sounds. Finally, she says, "Honey, I just can't take this any more - back in a jiff!" She returns in a couple of hours looking refreshed and relieved. How am I supposed to react? What am I supposed to say? "Have a nice time, dear?" I just see too many potential complications. What if studmuffin relocates to another city? Does my SO stay with me or leave? What if my SO catches a STD or gets involved with a psychopath? No...KISS - keep it simple, stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Hmmm....my SO gets frisky and starts rubbing herself against inanimate objects and making strange mewling sounds. Finally, she says, "Honey, I just can't take this any more - back in a jiff!" She returns in a couple of hours looking refreshed and relieved. How am I supposed to react? What am I supposed to say? "Have a nice time, dear?" I'm not really sure- but I don't think that's how it'd work. I just see too many potential complications. What if studmuffin relocates to another city? Does my SO stay with me or leave? What if my SO catches a STD or gets involved with a psychopath? Those are all things you have to talk about. A lot of people have a rule that you need to use a condom, especially if there's a "fluid bond" between a small circle of people- so if your SO would cheat on you, then that's a separate problem. And what happens if you get involved with a psychopath? You learn from your mistake and, hopefully, leave them. What happens if your SO befriends a psychopath? It isn't much different. It just occurred to me that polyamorous means that all three people are in a loving relationship with each other. That's very different from one partner having sex with a person outside the two-person relationship. A polyamorous relationship can't just spring from one person not wanting to do without sex; it has to be the wish and intention of both partners. So it really isn't "sex outside the relationship." That's not true. A Vee is where person X is hte hinge, and loves persons Y and Z. Person Y and Z don't have to even like each other (it works much better if they do), and they certainly aren't in love or dating or in any way romantically involved. Sex with person Z is still outside of person X and Y's relationship, even though it's not outside person X's relationships. Not everyone involved with a poly person are in a polyamorous relationship, they can be monogamous- their partner is the one dating multiple people, they are only dating their partner, so their partner is dating people outside of the dyad. Link to post Share on other sites
Cyane Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Thought I've never done it, I feel like this is the sort of relationship I would be able to flourish in. It's very difficult (at least in my own experience and with my personality) to be someone's sole supporter/cheerleader/comforter twenty four seven, and I feel like polyamourous relationships "split" the responsibility a bit more. Would any of you say that's true? Does it make a difference if you yourself have more than one partner, or you only have the one and they are seeing others as well? Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Does it make a difference if you yourself have more than one partner, or you only have the one and they are seeing others as well? well.. i don't know.. actually.. i can't imagine myself having more than one partner concurrently. it's just impossible.. for me. after a relationship ends i move on to the next one. and once it's over i never look back, just focus on the person i'm in a relationship with. if my partner wants to see others, i believe i should let them go. i feel most comfortable in a monogamous system. :) Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Thought I've never done it, I feel like this is the sort of relationship I would be able to flourish in. It's very difficult (at least in my own experience and with my personality) to be someone's sole supporter/cheerleader/comforter twenty four seven, and I feel like polyamourous relationships "split" the responsibility a bit more. Would any of you say that's true? Does it make a difference if you yourself have more than one partner, or you only have the one and they are seeing others as well? Every relationship is different, so you'd have to talk to your partner to make it clear what you want- some might have it so that everyone is a 24/7 cheerleader/supporter/comforter, while you could ask that you split the responsibilities instead. And it is different for both to have multiple partners or for only one to. In some cases it might be easier for both to have many- then when your partner is busy with their other partner(s), you can be busy with partners of your own. However, this means that instead of one person who has multiple partners, you have 2 people who do, which means that instead of 2 or 3 or 4 peoples' wants/needs/timetables, you need to work around 4 or 6 or 8 peoples' wants/needs/timetables. The more people you have in a relationship, the more complicated it gets- even if you aren't all dating each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Elliott Ford Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 *raises hand as another polyamorous person* I'm currently in a more-or-less V-shaped relationship, i have two partners and they have me. We're ALL poly and are in agreement that the relationship is open. So, any of us could get further partners. But those partners would have to be aware that the relationship is poly and that it will stay so and we have limited veto rights over our partners getting new partners (my primary listed about two people i may not date :) ). i can veto any of my primary's further partners and sie has to similarly approve of any of mine but i don't have as much of a say over who my secondray can date because i'm her secondray partner as well, eventhough she currently has no primary. I hope this makes some kind of sense :) My primary and I are both ace, my secondary is sexual. This isn't a problem for any of us. Everyone involved knows the rules of the relationship and all goes well :) Link to post Share on other sites
rosalie Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Sorry but I couldn't handle seeing my partner (in the hypothesis he'd be sexual) having sex outside of our relationship. This is why I chose dating another asexual, who is not polyamorous. And if I hadn't found another asexual, I'd still be single. Rather be single than in a romantic relationship where more than 2 people (including me) are involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Hallucigenia Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Thought I've never done it, I feel like this is the sort of relationship I would be able to flourish in. It's very difficult (at least in my own experience and with my personality) to be someone's sole supporter/cheerleader/comforter twenty four seven, and I feel like polyamourous relationships "split" the responsibility a bit more. Would any of you say that's true? Does it make a difference if you yourself have more than one partner, or you only have the one and they are seeing others as well? I've noticed something related to this, which is that, even though I'm sexual and actually *like* my partner that way, and even though he doesn't actually sleep with other people very often, it's sort of a relief for me not to be the only person he can go to for his sexual needs. It means I can say "no" without feeling guilty. (Yes, I know that monogamous people aren't supposed to have to feel guilty. I am, however, extremely prone to guilt. It's my craziness, not yours.) So, yeah, I can see it being kinda the same with emotional responsibility, if that was one of your sticking points. Link to post Share on other sites
Kiki Asexual Superstar Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I have offered this as an option in some of my past relationships, as I am an asexual and thought this seemed sensible. None of the guys have taken me up on it. Reactions were mixed to the suggestion. I would be okay with my potential partners having sex with other people, but I would not want them getting involved in relationships with those people. I'm extremely straight up about this from the beginning: No Sex from me. No blowjobs, handjobs, or whatever it is that you are used to getting from girls/guys...What drives me nuts is that these guys get involved with me knowing this, yet some of them get mad at me later because they thought that they might change my mind and suddenly have sex with them anyway. Thankfully, some of the guys realized that I was telling the truth and were actually okay without sex. I guess it depends how important sex is to a sexual. despite what you think on both sides of the argument, many self-identified sexuals put sex as a low priority criteria for a partner. My ideal would be to find an asexual partner, thus negating the whole argument. Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I've noticed something related to this, which is that, even though I'm sexual and actually *like* my partner that way, and even though he doesn't actually sleep with other people very often, it's sort of a relief for me not to be the only person he can go to for his sexual needs. It means I can say "no" without feeling guilty. (Yes, I know that monogamous people aren't supposed to have to feel guilty. unlike the polyamorous, for monogamous people a single partner can satisfy their desires and needs. two monogamous people committed to each other usually wish to remain faithful to each other without adding another or more partners. but when the sexual needs of either partner cannot be fulfilled, monogamy reveals its ruthless nature. a monogamous sexual person in a committed relationship wants to have sex only with their partner and some are very reluctant to go outside their relationship for sex because the sex they want is the one with the sole person they love, their partner. if the person who is deprived of sex gets very angry and decides the relationship is not worth it, the couple could save their energy and time by calling it quits quite soon; however, if the deprived person gets depressed and blames themselves, both parties could feel guilty, though nobody should since no one chose to be the way they are: being sexual, being (repulsed) asexual, and being monogamous. I am, however, extremely prone to guilt. It's my craziness, not yours. guilt. until last year, i was one of the greatest masters of guilt. in my book, guilt is a weapon aimed at you unjustly, which appears when you need to realize how much you are loving yourself and deserve to be loved by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
zebraspots Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 See, I've actually thought about this before. I realize that people do have desires and needs that I wouldn't be able to fully meet as an asexual, but I don't know if I could handle them being with another person. I am very into trust and honesty however, so it's something I'd always be open to talking about with my partner. I'd have to wait until the situation actually occurs to know my feeling though. My guess is that I would want a fully monogamous relationship. Interesting question. Link to post Share on other sites
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