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Asexuality in the Savage Love Podcast


Flour Confessor

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Flour Confessor

Even as someone who identifies as asexual, I've always been a huge fan of Savage Love, which, for those uninitiated, is a sex advice column run by Dan Savage. The combination of my almost morbid curiosity surrounding the subject, it being a great people watching opportunity, and Dan's consistently hilarious and always down-to-earth advice has kept me reading the column in the Onion and downloading the podcast for who knows how long, even if I can't exactly "relate" to some of the discussion points.

In a recent episode (Episode 137, downloadable here: click), a caller had the problem of her boyfriend revealing that he considers himself asexual while still sending confusing signals. I thought Dan's advice to DTMFA was actually pretty spot-on, even though he seems to imply that he believes asexual and aromantic are the same thing. I know many people, me included, would disagree with that, but overall I was impressed and amped that one of the great modern sex advice people both knows about and believes in the existence of asexuality as an orientation.





2015 Edit: The above link doesn't work anymore, but the entire episode can be downloaded here. For future reference, this is the part discussing asexuality:

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He doesn't do tons of research on it no. He does make a good point that its unfair to the sexual partner for this to be sprung on them out of the blue after a long period of time. The way he looks at it a dating relationship is an agreement that both parties are looking for roughly the same thing and if one person is sex-averse then its unfair to the other person if they're not up front with it or if they say in the beginning that a certain amount of sex is tolerable and then they just cut their partner off and won't let them get their needs met elsewhere.

edit: Dan writes for the onion? I know he writes for and edits the Stranger but I hadn't heard anything about the onion.

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Flour Confessor
edit: Dan writes for the onion? I know he writes for and edits the Stranger but I hadn't heard anything about the onion.

He doesn't write for it, but Savage Love has been the last page of the print version of The Onion for as long as I can remember.

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edit: Dan writes for the onion? I know he writes for and edits the Stranger but I hadn't heard anything about the onion.

He doesn't write for it, but Savage Love has been the last page of the print version of The Onion for as long as I can remember.

Yup, he writes for the Stranger, but the Savage Love column is syndicated, so it appears in a ton of papers. I read it in the Village Voice; I always love his advice.

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I have to check it out. I think people get confused about Asexuality different degrees and shades of it. It's pretty common knowledge or hope it is that even on the Kinsey scale of human sexuality of one either being hundred percent heterosexual one side of scale and other side hundred percent homosexual that often no one really fits on that extreme end. Not all Asexuals are totally disinterested in human contact or that rush of when someone finds another attractive in romantic or intimate way. Not all of us are virgins who never have sexual feelings we just not sexually attracted to others by the Aven definition of word. Yet how many who are member can say that never had sexual feeling or some type of sexual attraction at least once in their lives? I bet very few. Yet majority of people outside Aven probably don't know this about Asexuals but its no big thing in Gay circles to see Heterosexual man wanting sex with them and still identifies as Heterosexual.

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ThePieMaker

I normally love Dan Savage. I think he's great, but he let me down a bit with that one. It's not like I'm not a fan anymore, I just think someone who is a sex columnist should be a bit more informed.

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Update: someone objected. Response here.
The comments aren't pretty.



2015 Edit - For future reference:


Savage Love Letter of the Day
by Dan Savage • Jun 22, 2009 at 5:22 pm

I would like to express my disapproval of your comments about asexuality and asexuals on your June 2nd podcast (Episode 137). Asexual does not mean "you have no interest in sex or romance, or anything." It means you don't experience sexual attraction. Period. Many asexuals still desire romance—and if you think love and sex are so closely tied, perhaps you think prostitutes are the most loving people in the world? Yes, a relationship with an asexual individual doesn't work for a lot of people, but this certainly doesn't mean that asexuals must "stay at home; be alone."
I am asexual. I have never been interested in sex, with anyone. But I only discovered that asexuality even existed several months into a relationship. Was this my fault? I told my boyfriend, fully expecting to be "dumped" as you recommended to your caller. Instead he told me he was okay with it, and expressed full willingness to find alternative ways of showing our love. Three years later, we're still together.

Thank you for you time. I don't normally send emails of this sort, but your comments feel to me like a personal attack on my orientation, and with the details of asexuality so widely unknown, I don't appreciate this spread of misinformation. In the future when people are looking for an explanation of asexuality, you might refer them to www.asexuality.org.


Stephanie
I appreciate the feedback, Stephanie, and I'm sorry I offended you. But... um... I couldn't help but think, as I read your letter, that your boyfriend is either a fool or a fag. But if it works for you guys—if a romantic relationship devoid of sexual attraction and activity works for you guys—then it works for you guys. Who am I to argue with success?

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ThePieMaker
Update: someone objected. Response here.

The comments aren't pretty.

That's really sad and he just lost more points in my book.

"fool or faggot"

Or maybe he sees more to romantic love other than sexual attraction.

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Guest EGDingCale'sTeapot
Update: someone objected. Response here.
The comments aren't pretty.

That's really sad and he just lost more points in my book.

"fool or faggot"

Or maybe he sees more to romantic love other than sexual attraction.


This is also getting discussed over in musings and rantings right now. Just to FYI.
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Jillianimal
Update: someone objected. Response here.

The comments aren't pretty.

That's really sad and he just lost more points in my book.

"fool or faggot"

Or maybe he sees more to romantic love other than sexual attraction.

This is also getting discussed over in musings and rantings right now. Just to FYI.

I finally heard what he had to say & it sure didn't sound good: "If you're asexual, stay lonely"

Well sorry for needing to feel loved <_<

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