Any Medical Evidence That Asexuality is Inherited? And How Do We Deal With the Grandparents?

[audree]

First, I am SO glad that I found this site. I can't tell you what a relief it is to find it.

My 16 year old son ("Tim") is asexual and I am perfectly fine with that, and so is his father (I believe). But I am wondering if anyone has run across any scientific evidence about heredity? I'm divorced from his father (we'll call him "John"). One of the problems that John and I had was John's asexuality, although at the time I just assumed that it was ME he wasn't attracted to, and John wasn't/isn't great at self-evaluation.

Therefore, I'm thinking that Tim's asexuality might be inherited. Of course this could be part of the age-old nurture vs. nature debate. Although it could be nature (in other words, heredity), John has been very influential in Tim's life and perhaps passed on his asexuality by example, instead.

Ultimately, it isn't a big deal, but I would like to know because I'm curious.

At first Tim had a hard time believing that I'm OK with him being asexual, but he's finally come to realize that I'm fine with it. As I told him, *I* already had my child, and I'm happy. As long as he is happy, who am I to define how he should live his life?

However, my parents (his grandparents) are rocked to the core (WHY?) Any ideas how to handle this with them? They swear he's either gay, weird, or will grow out of it. I don't believe any of this at all, and I don't feel the need to convince them, but has anyone else run into this?

[Inevitable]

There have been some other members who've had asexual relatives.

I remember seeing two asexual sisters, and asexual twins before.

[audree]

There have been some other members who've had asexual relatives.

I remember seeing two asexual sisters, and asexual twins before.

Thanks so much for the reply. I'd sure love to see a case study on this. My guess is that asexuality isn't "sexy", so it's not a hot topic like homosexuality or sexual addiction. Since we're a world predominantly driven by what's sexy (I'm a marketing guru - ask me how I know), this isn't going to be of interest to many people.

[mad_scientist]

I am not aware of any reliable evidence of asexuality being hereditary. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence of it running in families -- I have an aunt who I also suspect of being asexual, and I know many other members of this board have asexual relatives -- so a genetic component, or specific types of environmental influence, is possible. Personally, I would be very interested to see research done in this area.

[audree]

I am not aware of any reliable evidence of asexuality being hereditary. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence of it running in families -- I have an aunt who I also suspect of being asexual, and I know many other members of this board have asexual relatives -- so a genetic component, or specific types of environmental influence, is possible. Personally, I would be very interested to see research done in this area.

Thanks so much. I wonder if there would be any way to start a thread where everyone could list any relatives that are known to be asexual in their families, as well as suspected asexuals. I would love to see some statistics on this.

It's wonderful to know that my son isn't alone in this. He puts up with most questions from others who always are nosy about when he's going to start dating. He's calm and polite when he says "Never," which shocks or astounds many people. Some think he's lying, some think he's ignorant, but those who know him well understand that this is the solid truth and my son is very sure of himself.

[thylacine]

I have a strong belief that asexuality is genetic. I believe my mother is asexual, too. Obviously, my mother had sex, because I exist. She divorced my father because he was an abusive alcoholic, not because of sex, but she described sex as "nothing" important, as though it was something rather dull.

After the divorce, she worked two jobs to support me, and never collected alimony. She has a master's degree, and had a career. She is in her 70's & retired. She has never dated, and every time she reads in the paper about some scandal, or hears about the neighbors and their scandals (various people cheating on wives & etc.) she would say, "I don't know why all these people are all after all this sex! They should sit and read a book, and clean their house, and go to church, and go to the library, and stop being interested in everyone else's fannies!" I agree 100%, but would use other adjectives, some of which should not be typed out here...

There is pitifully little research on asexuality, since most people are, as we know, interested in "all this sex!" and so research is done on people who are gay, bi, or unusual behaviors (see "hot box" -- "sex with ducks" -- no never mind, don't bother!) Many medical and scientific people do not even believe that asexuality exists, or in the alternative, believe that asexuals are "sick" individuals who need psychotherapy or need to have their bodies polluted with dangerous chemicals to artificially cause them to have some sort of "sex drive" -- all for their own good, of course! Although there are asexual people who have had such "treatment" and with no results, that is, they were still asexual after all the "therapy." Could have spent their money on something more fun, like a vacation or a shopping trip or a new car, in my opinion. Also, in my opinion, many therapists are in the business of informing an innocent person that he / she is "sick" and gets highly paid for it over a long period of many years while convincing the innocent person that it is all his / her mother's fault and they must "have the courage" to "stay with the therapy" for a very long and expensive time... oh well. That's the state of our world. If you are different, you are bad, sick, and twisted. Doesn't matter that the "normal" and "healthy" people who run our society have brought us the war in the middle east and the banking crisis because of their hubris... but I won't go on with that.

To conclude, if you are different in any way, people automatically don't like you and assume you are bad. Sad, but true! You could be smarter than the average population, you could be gay, you could be asexual, you could be overweight, you could be gifted in some way... but if you are "different," watch out!

Being different makes life difficult. My mother went to college when women did not usually go to college, and people resented her for having a career. Then when she divorced my father (for which I was glad!) she was ostracized by our community. People talked about her in a negative way, a woman, on her own, working to support herself and her daughter -- oh my! When I was a kid, I was artistically gifted and loved to sketch, but other kids would grab my drawings and rip them to shreds... why? Because I could draw and they could not. Now I am sometimes ostracized in the community because I work to support myself and have no husband supporting me or making decisions for me... I have freedom, and certain individuals in my locality resent me for it.

It ain't easy, sometimes, to just be yourself.

Often the purpose of "scientific research" is, unfortunately, to reinforce society's preconceived ideas. The majority of people are "sexual" therefore the majority of "experts" are also sexual. There is very little real, true, honest research on asexuality. If you want info. on all stuff "A" this website is probably the best place to find it, because you'd be communicating with asexual people themselves who live it every day.

Oh, and by the way, not everyone here is a kid, some of us are grown ups age 40-50-60 and etc. A whole lifetime of asexuality so we can answer all your questions!

I realize that essay was a bit long. Hope it helps, though.

[audree]

Thylacine, what a wonderful contribution - thank you so very much for taking the time to give such a detailed and informative reply.

I see nothing I disagree with. Although I am hetero, and enjoy sex, I have always been a strong and unusual woman who thinks outside the box (no pun intended), which is why my son felt comfortable discussing this with me first. And because of that, I can certainly see and appreciate the asexual viewpoint. It's actually very liberating, truthfully.

I happen to know my son is wired together correctly, and is possibly - no, definately - much more sane and intelligent than the majority of the population. I truly don't speak as a mother, but as an objective observer. He has an inner peace I am jealous of. Therefore, I realize there's nothing to be "fixed".

Which leads to another thought: Perhaps he is asexual because he feels complete. He is certainly confident in what and who he is (thankfully). I wonder if asexuals generally have higher levels of serotonin than the rest of us?

[thylacine]

Hi Audree. I have always felt "complete," also. My friends are constantly on my back, "You need a man! How can you live without a man!!! Oh my God!!! I could never live like that!!!" I say, "I feel complete within myself," and they look at me funny, like "what the f--- ?"

I don't know if I have higher levels of serotonin -- I have heard that it associated with happiness or something... ? I do not feel like "jumping up & down whoopie yahoo!" happy like some people I know (I know these manic-depressive types who are all giggles one minute and depressed the next... real unpredictable) -- but I feel comfortable with myself, either alone or with people. I like myself as a person. I feel uncomfortable when friends have conversations in which they brag about their conquests, whereas I don't have much to contribute to the conversations... but I can happily discuss anything else. I am not anti-social in any way, but I know I'm not like most people, and I know most people feel uncomfortable with "different" people, and therefore, know I have to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things in my life, such as why I remain single whereas I'm considered articulate and attractive.

I remember it was especially difficult to be a teenager, when all of a sudden, my friends became "boy crazy" and I stayed sane. "Oh my God! Oh my God!!! He's sooooooo cute!" "Yeah? So?" I was labeled "dumb" because I did not "get" who was cute and who was not cute, and what was this "cute" thing anyway... ? I was happy as a younger kid, but when teenagerhood arrived I just felt I did not understand other people in my age group. They annoyed me, and my lack of enthusiasm about "cute" probably annoyed them.

I'm a lot happier as a grown up, but it gets unpleasant when confronted with another grown up who acts like a teenager. I wish everyone would just grow up and act serious, and get concerned about important things, like the economy, the environment, and think of what we pass on to future generations.

And does it ever annoy you, Audree, that science spends so much money and effort finding "cures" for "erectile dysfunction" while at the same time not making much effort into finding real cures for cancer and other real problems, like temperature change? Our society focuses on what is "sexy" and gets blinded to the real problems in the world, poverty, the war, the economy, and so on... there are times when I wish people would face the real issues. Turn their eyes away from the porn for a brief moment and worry about whether their neighbor has enough to buy groceries, lend someone else a hand if they need it. But no... they worry about other silly stuff, like "do you think he's cute?" "Nope. I think we ought to do something about the war in the middle east, help the poor, fix the economy, and do something about global warming before it's too late!"

I have this annoying co-worker who doesn't get stuff done, makes mistakes, and causes problems in the office, but boy can she talk about sex all day long!!! I don't really care what she does with her life. But it would be nice for a change if she would actually do some work, wouldn't it?

Well, it's tough to be an asexual young person, and it's slightly easier to be an asexual grown up!

And since you do marketing, you can market my new invention: "Asexual Ear Plugs!" You can put these on when your friends, family, and co-workers begin to brag about who they "did" last night. An electronic sensor alerts you when the conversation turns back to science, politics, art, literature, TV, clothes, shoping... or the weather, so you can take them off again.

[AVENCakes]

I think we actually have/had a person who's asexual, and their identical twin sibling is sexual. So it's really hard to say what causes sexuality or anything else.

Which leads to another thought: Perhaps he is asexual because he feels complete. He is certainly confident in what and who he is (thankfully). I wonder if asexuals generally have higher levels of serotonin than the rest of us?

A few of us are depressed, actually.

I don't htink completeness has anything to do with it. There are romantic asexuals- who can want a partner as much as any sexual. A lot of aromantics also want a life partner, just not a romantic one.

[thylacine]

Maybe some asexual people are just depressed because it's hard to live in a society where you are considered different?

I like myself & usually I'm a happy person. But it sure is tough to have to hide that part of yourself because you know other people won't understand.

Perhaps check out that book "Prayers for Bobby." This lady was a fundamentalist Christian & her son was gay. Bobby became distraught over his conflict with his family's beliefs. It's a good book, but it ends very sadly.

[AVENCakes]

Maybe some asexual people are just depressed because it's hard to live in a society where you are considered different?

Maybe they're depressed for completely unrelated reasons- just like how most people are depressed because they're straight, they're depressed because of X, Y, and Z. I don't think asexuals have naturally higher serotonin levels. You could argue we've got a whole nother reason to be depressed, and for some people that is true- but that's not the only reason people are depressed.

[audree]

RDraconis, Great points as well. Thank you. I know of no other asexuals, so I wouldn't know about the depression issue. Thanks for clearing that up. My son isn't at all depressed, but of course he's the only one I can go by.

[thylacine]

There is a "lot" of this depression going around lately. Many of my "sexual" friends feel depressed often and get deeply depressed. Life in general is tough these days. People are losing their jobs, houses are foreclosing, the newspapers are all doom & gloom. It would get most people down. I think it's easy to look around at the world today, and feel down. I try not to, though. I don't think that there is a connection with asexuality & depession, though, although when depressed some people have a lower sex drive.

My father suffered severe depression, due to his childhood, but was very promiscuous and had a high sex drive, and right before he passed away, he admitted to some things about his "checkered past." (I have a sister in California I did not know I had until a few years ago! Like wow, daddy-o, you kept this from us all?) Also, my annoying co-worker who talks nasty all day says she suffers depression, and has those symptoms similar to my father -- like a violent temper.

[audree]

Thylacine, very interesting! That's how my son, "Tim", is - very comfortable and he calls it "staying sane" as well. You wrote:

And does it ever annoy you, Audree, that science spends so much money and effort finding "cures" for "erectile dysfunction" while at the same time not making much effort into finding real cures for cancer and other real problems, like temperature change? Our society focuses on what is "sexy" and gets blinded to the real problems in the world, poverty, the war, the economy, and so on... there are times when I wish people would face the real issues. Turn their eyes away from the porn for a brief moment and worry about whether their neighbor has enough to buy groceries, lend someone else a hand if they need it. But no... they worry about other silly stuff, like "do you think he's cute?" "Nope. I think we ought to do something about the war in the middle east, help the poor, fix the economy, and do something about global warming before it's too late!"

I so very much agree! I have always been a political animal, and been very concerned about the environment and other issues (such as this monster deficit our government is indulging in and we'll be passing to the next generation). Tim is like-minded, as well. He focuses on important stuff and although he's only 16, he's already been through his first year of college.

I have this annoying co-worker who doesn't get stuff done, makes mistakes, and causes problems in the office, but boy can she talk about sex all day long!!! I don't really care what she does with her life. But it would be nice for a change if she would actually do some work, wouldn't it?

I can surely identify with that! But that's just unprofessional, not sexual. I've always been considered to be very sexual but I keep it in my pants and out of the office.

Well, it's tough to be an asexual young person, and it's slightly easier to be an asexual grown up!

That's what I've been telling Tim. I think he'll find it easier to blend in when he's older. Right now, as you say, the teen years are way oversexed and it's all he hears about. It drives him nuts.

And since you do marketing, you can market my new invention: "Asexual Ear Plugs!" You can put these on when your friends, family, and co-workers begin to brag about who they "did" last night. An electronic sensor alerts you when the conversation turns back to science, politics, art, literature, TV, clothes, shoping... or the weather, so you can take them off again.

BEAUTIFUL!!! I know Tim and I will buy stock in the company.

[audree]

There is a "lot" of this depression going around lately. Many of my "sexual" friends feel depressed often and get deeply depressed. Life in general is tough these days. People are losing their jobs, houses are foreclosing, the newspapers are all doom & gloom. It would get most people down. I think it's easy to look around at the world today, and feel down. I try not to, though. I don't think that there is a connection with asexuality & depession, though, although when depressed some people have a lower sex drive.

My father suffered severe depression, due to his childhood, but was very promiscuous and had a high sex drive, and right before he passed away, he admitted to some things about his "checkered past." (I have a sister in California I did not know I had until a few years ago! Like wow, daddy-o, you kept this from us all?) Also, my annoying co-worker who talks nasty all day says she suffers depression, and has those symptoms similar to my father -- like a violent temper.

So very true. Depression seems to be almost the "in" diagnosis these days, and everyone's being medicated for it. But that's exactly why I said what I did - I know so many people that go on anti-depressants and lose their sex drive as a result of it. Since it boosts the serotonin levels, perhaps there's a correlation(?)

[AVENCakes]

RDraconis, Great points as well. Thank you. I know of no other asexuals, so I wouldn't know about the depression issue. Thanks for clearing that up. My son isn't at all depressed, but of course he's the only one I can go by.

That's good. :) I am for unrelated reasons. I don't think asexuality makes you more or less likely to be depressed, it could go either way, but I definitely think that asexuality isn't as big a reason to be depressed as homo/bi/pansexuality- which is faced with more severe intolerance.

[thylacine]

Anyway... re: depression & asexuality. My mother has not had sex since she left my father, and is the happiest person I know on this planet. She enjoys life very much at 73 and is a very active senior citizen. She gets out a lot with her "old lady friends" and we are going on a cruise together this summer.

Another thing I notice... I have known some people, like my dad (who I did love, I must say, but he was a difficult person!), and friends... who suffered real mental illness, and they had strong sex drives, almost out of control sex drives, to the point where, like my co-worker, focusing on sex came before other things, like work, for instance... like I knew this lady who was like a nympho, she had a breakdown, then became almost like a nympho after the breakdown... is there a connection??? I don't know.

[audree]

Anyway... re: depression & asexuality. My mother has not had sex since she left my father, and is the happiest person I know on this planet. She enjoys life very much at 73 and is a very active senior citizen. She gets out a lot with her "old lady friends" and we are going on a cruise together this summer.

You know, when I was young I remember hearing older women dismiss sex and talk about how much better it is without a man, able to do what they want when they want, eat what they want, etc. I never used to get it. I used to think "Yeah, cuz you can't get it!" But now that *I* am older, I understand better. I'm engaged to a great guy, but if he keeled over tomorrow, I wouldn't rush out to replace him. I've grown to really enjoy being alone when I get the chance.

And of course you are only as alone as you wish to be. There are always friends out there, ready to go out to dinner and a movie.

[thylacine]

Another thing my new company will invent is the "sane pill."

We will grind up sane pills and put it in town water supplies, and everyone will focus on important things like the energy crisis, get the homeless off the streets, create jobs, create cleaner fuels for our cars, save the rainforest, and end all wars... (it's nice to dream, ain't it?)

Congratulations on your engagement. I'm happy for you.

Some people meet through Aven and get together, some have gotten married... and still have not had marital relations as far as I know...

[audree]

Another thing my new company will invent is the "sane pill."

We will grind up sane pills and put it in town water supplies, and everyone will focus on important things like the energy crisis, get the homeless off the streets, create jobs, create cleaner fuels for our cars, save the rainforest, and end all wars... (it's nice to dream, ain't it?)

Ha! Good luck. Of course I'm in my forties, so perhaps I'm a little cynical by now. I used to be a political consultant and I've seen the ugliness on all sides. Politicians inevitably compromise increasingly to get what they want, and are thus corrupted, or are too good to stay in politics. I've never known an exception. So unless something's in it for them, you can forget about it.

[thylacine]

Well... I've enjoyed our conversation. But I have to shut off the computer now.

[audree]

My engagement: Thanks! I've been with the same guy on and off for many years, so it's not the Shiny New Bride phenomenon, but we're comfy with each other. We're thinking about getting married next year.

As for people meeting in here and getting married but not having relations: Interestingly, I just saw the 20/20 news segment on asexuality (from Sept. 2006) and in it is a couple that met in here, got married with the intentions of not being sexual, but ended up having sex once and heavy petting as well (they admit it in this segment).

As they say, it doesn't matter either way and perhaps because they are intelligent, they ended up trying it because they were naturally curious. Or, perhaps they've changed their minds about asexuality altogether. I don't know, as it was 2 1/2 years ago.

Well... I've enjoyed our conversation. But I have to shut off the computer now.

Me too! Thanks so much for your time.

[audree]

Well... I've enjoyed our conversation. But I have to shut off the computer now.

Me too! Thanks so much for your time.

[thylacine]

I heard of other people who got married & "didn't" though... I don't know everyone's personal biz... just stuff I hear from various sources... Aven has its gossip too, I guess. But I don't know everyone & everything... all kinds of little friendships happen at this place, not that Aven is an actual "place" other than a website -- I'm 44, I remember the days before the internet! Yeah, people, believe it or not, once upon a time, there was no internet!

[audree]

I heard of other people who got married & "didn't" though... I don't know everyone's personal biz... just stuff I hear from various sources... Aven has its gossip too, I guess. But I don't know everyone & everything...

Oh definately. I've heard of it too. And, for that matter, there are many married couples who started sexually and ended up losing all interest. I think it's more common than many admit. I think of the old fashioned couples who eventually moved to separate bedrooms, and it wasn't always because they hated each other. It was more of a matter of convenience when the sexual attraction was gone, or at least so I was told.

[thylacine]

My grandparents had separate rooms. Wonder if they were "A" -- or if one of them was... ?

Gotta shut off the computer again... later. Bye!

[Tio]

Interesting, my parents sleep in seperate bedrooms. Have done for years actually because he snores. But I occasionally wonder if one or both is asexual because as far as I know, they haven't "done it" for years.

[mad_scientist]

I am not aware of any reliable evidence of asexuality being hereditary. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence of it running in families -- I have an aunt who I also suspect of being asexual, and I know many other members of this board have asexual relatives -- so a genetic component, or specific types of environmental influence, is possible. Personally, I would be very interested to see research done in this area.

Thanks so much. I wonder if there would be any way to start a thread where everyone could list any relatives that are known to be asexual in their families, as well as suspected asexuals. I would love to see some statistics on this.

It's wonderful to know that my son isn't alone in this. He puts up with most questions from others who always are nosy about when he's going to start dating. He's calm and polite when he says "Never," which shocks or astounds many people. Some think he's lying, some think he's ignorant, but those who know him well understand that this is the solid truth and my son is very sure of himself.

The membership of this site would make a very awful sample population for any actual study, but such a thread could be quite interesting.

Thylacine, what a wonderful contribution - thank you so very much for taking the time to give such a detailed and informative reply.

I see nothing I disagree with. Although I am hetero, and enjoy sex, I have always been a strong and unusual woman who thinks outside the box (no pun intended), which is why my son felt comfortable discussing this with me first. And because of that, I can certainly see and appreciate the asexual viewpoint. It's actually very liberating, truthfully.

I happen to know my son is wired together correctly, and is possibly - no, definately - much more sane and intelligent than the majority of the population. I truly don't speak as a mother, but as an objective observer. He has an inner peace I am jealous of. Therefore, I realize there's nothing to be "fixed".

Which leads to another thought: Perhaps he is asexual because he feels complete. He is certainly confident in what and who he is (thankfully). I wonder if asexuals generally have higher levels of serotonin than the rest of us?

I'm pretty sure I do. Unless something is offensive enough to make me angry, I'm always rather calm and happy. My friends find it amusing. Again, though, any anecdotal evidence you gain here about such a thing would be very unreliable without a properly constructed sample group that contains enough sexual people to know what the baseline is. Asexuals don't have to worry about some of the stresses that sexuals do (getting a sexual partner), and the ones that have sex can just do it for enjoyment. I suspect that relationships are more confusing on average for sexuals, because of the sexual tension element. Of course, we do have other stresses, related to asexual-sexual relationships and general tolerance and understanding. If your son does not have such issues (he is surrounded by open-minded people like yourself and not in a relationship with a sexual person), then he probably has less stresses and doubts than your average sexual person which would make him happy. Or one could take the opposite approach -- whether or not sexuality is related, happy and well-developed people are more likely to be confident enough to explore their own identity, and accepts it if it does not fit the norm, than unhappy, unconfident people are. This would skew the results among self-identified asexuals.

I suspect, and this is entirely my own limited perspective, that asexuals are more likely to feel "complete" because we do not have as many pressures to find mates. Many of us are interested in emotional relationships, but without the sexual tension we are likely to be less susceptile to this whole "you have to be in a relationship" idea than your average sexual person. I know of a lot of sexual people who think of being single as a span of time between relationships, for instance, where they can recover and search for a new mate, as opposed to a relationship status in its own right, and I have no doubt that their sex drive flaring up with attraction to individuals makes this more pressing for them than for asexual romantics. Asexual aromantics should be obvious enough to not need addressing, although they have their own issues.

My engagement: Thanks! I've been with the same guy on and off for many years, so it's not the Shiny New Bride phenomenon, but we're comfy with each other. We're thinking about getting married next year.

As for people meeting in here and getting married but not having relations: Interestingly, I just saw the 20/20 news segment on asexuality (from Sept. 2006) and in it is a couple that met in here, got married with the intentions of not being sexual, but ended up having sex once and heavy petting as well (they admit it in this segment).

As they say, it doesn't matter either way and perhaps because they are intelligent, they ended up trying it because they were naturally curious. Or, perhaps they've changed their minds about asexuality altogether. I don't know, as it was 2 1/2 years ago.

Well, asexuality is a matter of sexual attraction. Some asexuals enjoy sex, and if they want to have it all the more power to them. It's be easier to fit in as a "regular" couple in a heteronormative society that way at any rate.

[audree]

Interesting, my parents sleep in seperate bedrooms. Have done for years actually because he snores. But I occasionally wonder if one or both is asexual because as far as I know, they haven't "done it" for years.

Tio, thanks so much for the input. I would think... no, I KNOW that if the sex drive is there, snoring isn't as much of a problem. I have friends who actually wear earplugs but still sleep in the same room. Of course that doesn't mean it necessarily applies to your parents but my bet is that there's no more intercourse.

[thylacine]

By the way... I really did not think the 20 / 20 show was a good portrayal of asexual people. TV is all sensationalism. Check out the October 2004 issue of New Scientist, it had a good article on asexuality by Sylvia Pagan Westphal. Also Utne Reader had an article a few years back. The New Scientist article can be found online if you search for it.