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dr_who

Questions for sexuals...

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Kaleish

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

It depends. Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly hot on my partner at that moment. Generally I used masturbation as a time to fantasize, so the latter.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Absolutely! This on its own can lead to a fierce masturbation session.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I'm queer, so I'm not sure I have "intercourse", whatever that means. If you mean, do I prefer sex to masturbation, the answer is yes. Would I go out of my way if I thought there was a possibility of having sex? I would and do, every single time. My partner knows this and she sometimes leverages it.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. After about three days I start to feel really antsy, but this is after being with an asexual partner for two years and having to learn patience. Before this I started seeing my current love I was an every day kind of person.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

This isn't an either or question, these two things are totally linked for me. I can't be emotional intimate with someone (on a romantic basis) unless we're also physically intimate.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

This would depend. Are they willing to work to get better? If so, I'd stick it out. If not, it's clearly not a priority for them and thus we are not a match.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Ideally? Twice a day. Realistically? Maybe 3 times a week.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

This is the same kind of invalid either-or thing. I already have high caliber platonic companionship - those would be my friends. If I'm going to have a mate, what makes her a mate is that we have physical and sex intimacy.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Yes. It would be soul-destroying.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Huh? Like am I addicted or something or am I not going to work? No, I don't think so. I've never cheated on a partner, I've never gotten an STD from reckless sexual contact and it isn't interfering with my ability to function as a productive human being. I just have an insanely high sex drive, a whole lot of confidence and a really healthy body. :)

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HusbandOfAsexual
Tapestry, this probably isn't the thread to ask this question, but you've brought up your marriage difficulties before on other threads, I believe. So...why on earth have you stayed so long in such an awful marriage that makes you terribly unhappy? Not just the lack of sex, but the lack of emotional closeness also. That's a serious question. If there are children involved, they must be able to see your unhappiness.

And again, I realize this question is out of order re the topic of this thread.

Hi Sally,

I'm not sure if there are rules about discussing religion on this forum or not, so I will just say that it's very difficult for me to justify divorce in light of my beliefs. I've been talking with my pastor for several months who is very supportive of the idea of divorce, but it's hard for me to get to that point (I am working on it, though). Also, one of my children has severe anxiety/OCD issues that have required therapy in the past, and I worry about the stress of divorce for her. I'm absolutely dying inside trying to rectify all these issues and make myself happy, too. It's complicated. In the meantime, it is at least helpful to read threads here on AVEN to at least try to see things from my husband's perspective. It doesn't make me feel any different about him, but at least it is hellping me to feel different about myself (i.e. I'm not repulsive).

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HusbandOfAsexual

Sally, i'm new to this site and have never posted anything but thought I might as well jump in. I find this site to be somewhere I can go to not feel alone in my situation. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I'm 40 years old and I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful woman and we have 3 beautiful boys together. Everything about our relationship is wonderful except sex. It does sound like she is more emotionally available than your husband but only about 10% emotional compared to me. She can shut off her emotions like a light switch without ever thinking twice. Over the years, it has caused us quite a lot or arguments and pressure and guilt and all kinds of awful things. I recently found this site and talked to her about it and it was like a light came on for both of us. She always knew this was who she was, but now she can feel like she isn't the only one. This is great for her, but now that we know who she is, I am not sure what to do. When I got married, I believed it was forever, better or worse, etc...My religious feelings add to that mix in that I don't feel like it is acceptable to get divorced..or at least not for this. On top of that, I love our family and it is wonderful and I cannot imagine living my life apart from either my wife or my children.

So, I am stuck here wondering what to do. We normally had sex only if I would practically beg for it for a month and then she would give in. She always had some excuse and I believed it all along, but thought it was strange. But, afterwards, I was ok for about 3 days to a week before I started feeling the need again. Then the cycle restarted. For 10 years it was like this! Now that I know why, I feel horrible for her. I can't imagine what it must have been like to live like she did all these years and the guilt she had. But now that I know it, I can't have sex with her again. I would feel like I was raping her each time, just knowing that she was laying there praying that it would end quickly. I can be with her like that. I want it to be enjoyable and for her to do it because she loves me and cares how I feel, not because she feels so guilty that she has to do it.

So now what? I have read some of the options others have described. I have asked her if there is anything she would be willing to do that might not be sex, but would be close. However, if it involves me having an orgasm while she is in the same room with me, it is off limits. The only thing she is willing to do is sleep naked on occasion but that really just makes it harder for me. Masturbating just doesn't do it for me. There is just something missing. To me that is about 1/2 as good as having a massage. I thought I could just quit having sex if I really tried, but the urge is unbearable and each time I see her I think I want her more. I could cheat on her, but that goes against my beliefs. Not only that, I have to be emotionally and mentally connected to get anything out of it. It's not enjoyable to me to just have sex with someone without that connection. Plus, I don't know anyone else who would be willing to do that with a married guy...although I hear it happens a lot. If I met someone on the internet or whatever, then I have no idea about who they are, whether they have some crazy ex or husband who would hunt me down, would they cause my family harm, I could catch a disease...etc....all not good options. I sure don't want any woman riding roller coasters with my sons and boiling rabbits. And, what if I actually did meet someone and then did connect emotionally with them...how would I stay married and be in love with 2 people?

Finally, if I did get divorced, I am not sure I would be able to enjoy it with the new person either. I mean, the only reason I would have left is so that I could have sex again?? Every time I was having sex, I would be thinking of how much I missed my wife and my boys and that would kill the moment. I feel at this point I am damned either way.

The only solution to this is if she suddenly decides she likes sex with me and we have it once a week and live happily ever after. I feel so helpless and hopeless and lost. It's almost like a part of me has died. I have gone through every emotion...frustration, confusion, anger, sadness, guilt, fear. I am still waiting for acceptance. You know, God forbid, if she was in an accident and COULDN'T have sex, that would almost be better. Just knowing she can, but chooses not to or doesn't like it or whatever, is like she is rejecting me. Even though I know I shouldn't take it personally. It's been 52 days now since the last time we had sex. And, over the past year we only did it 10 times. Yes, I counted. Now that we have figured this out, I told her I will never bother her about it again. She was happy about that, but not overly thankful or grateful. I thought at least she would be extra nice to me in other ways, but to her, she doesn't see what the big deal was in the first place, so there is no reason to thank me for not pressuring her into sex any more. Part of the no emotional connection I suppose. She just doesn't feel like it is something that was any big deal for me to give up. I have no idea where I go from here.....

Sorry this rambled on. I'll try to keep my posts shorter and more to the point in the future.

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Galen

Husbandofasexual,

Wow, looks like a post I wrote except for the not having sex anymore. My wife of 20years isn't disgusted etc.. by it but really has no interest and does not grasp really why I do. Still it is about 10-12 times a year since we have been married.

I really have no answers for you either, only can offer my support. Know knowing what is going on, really just seems like the beginning, it does not lesson our desires for the one we committed ourselfs to.

There are other Sexuals here though closer to you that are doing without. Perhaps it gets easier over time, I don't know, I just get grumpy during certain times of the month no matter how long it has been days or months. I seem to be obsessed about it now in private, trying not to pressure her. I also feel the lack of acknowledgement of our personal loss which is not understood by my wife. I try comparing it to her interest but really it is so much more.

Feel free to PM me also if you wish.

Goodluck,

Galen

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alystania

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Either, both, or neither. It depends. There are times when I think of purely emotional/romantic things during masturbation.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not always. Usually I'm much more focused on the romantic aspect of things... things we could experience together... occasionally sex is in there, usually it isn't.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

... it depends. I prefer intercourse more in the context of the emotional intimacy levels reached during intercourse... not so much for the actual physical sensation... but this would only work with someone I'm in-love with. Anyone else, I'd prefer masturbation.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yeah. But for the emotional intimacy, not for the physical pleasure. If I'm receiving enough emotional intimacy and validation... compliments and romantic times... then I don't at all.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional... x10,000

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Nope. The person I'm with is an example of that. He doesn't do much of anything. I'd never leave him for that.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Depends on the relationship. It's varied from once a month to twice a day, to currently... never except mutual masturbation.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship. Hands down. Sex is a cheap thrill that only matters as a supplemental to the companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Depends on the person. For me, to never experience any sexual intimacy whatsoever with someone ever again would be quite devastating. I need something. Otherwise, I'd have wet dreams every night, and feel physically disconnected from my lover. Even if it's only mutual masturbation... something...is important.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

No. It's all just hormones, naturally implemented to drive procreation. The level of a culture's natural instinct to spread their genetics (and thereby increase their population and longevity) determines the level of hormonal drive.

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Seul

I think this may also vary for males & females in general ... just a thought.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I actually have a rule, after one MOMUMENTALLY embarassing experience-- I won't borrow real people that I know, (or might ever run into) for mastrubation fodder, so hypothethical experiences.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

That depends on whether I want to cum or I want intamacy.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Do you mean sex here, or intercourse? I feel deprived if I don't cum ... but as my grandmother told me "there are other things you can do" ...

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

If they're bad, they can be taught(gently)-- and the teaching ought to be lots of fun for both of you, really the sex in any new relationship is rarely going to be stellar at first.

If they're incapable of having sex, are they willing to do other things?

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

companionship. I can masturbate ... but what am I going to do, talk to myself? ;p

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Can I still cum?

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

*sighs* as a woman I can tell you there are times when I am very much *not* in the mood.

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sindi

I want to thank those who answered too. It's very interesting to find out how sexuals think about sex. I never knew it could be so important - well, I knew it was important on some emotional level, but never so much.

Yes, it's interesting! I didn't know it's that important either, 'cause although my friends are sexual, they don't talk about their sex lifes with me :ph34r:

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Lauxesa

I am a 43-year old female asexual.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

When I think about sex, I mostly think of rape, I guess.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Never had a crush on anybody.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

NO!!

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

NEVER.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No way. Sex is not important. It has nothing to do with love.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I am not in a relationship. Never have been. And if I were, I would never have sex.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship - if I wanted it. But again, I'm not lonely and I don't NEED anybody to make me happy. I do have a lot of friends, so I am not a recluse.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Hell no.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

WANTING sex is abnormal to me. It's weak and wrong. I know I'm not speaking for all asexuals, but that is how I've felt my whole life.

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standup

I dunno if you're still looking for replies, but I like to be helpful, sooo here goes.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I don't, but if I did, it'd probably be about something hypothetical or imagined.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Sometimes... not really. It's close to the last thing on my mind. Hugging and kissing are more predominant.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Nope.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No, never.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

I don't think it'd be that terrible.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

No? As someone stated before, a lot of drive comes from hormones, and it fluctuates a lot. It's still easy to know, though, that you're sexual.

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Samael
For the longest time now I've struggled with whether to consider myself asexual, and certainly recently upon considering "outing" myself, I want to be damned sure.

Well, it's all so very simple I think. The definition of an asexual person is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction towards other people. And I think you can say pretty surely whether you feel sexual attraction or not. And if you don't know what sexual attraction feels like, well, that would already make it clear that you'd be an asexual person.

But for the record, they describe sexual attraction as something that overrides logical thinking. It's like a magnetic pull which is incredibly hard to resist. You can't decide whether to be sexually attracted towards someone - if it happens it happens naturally. If there is such attraction then you'd most certainly know it.

Having read what people have answered to your questions, I must say that as an asexual person (and as a bit anti-sexual as well) it's incredibly hard to truly understand the need for lots of sex. In question seven you asked about the frequency of having sex. I felt deeply repulsed that people reported having it not only monthly, but sometimes even on a daily basis. I have nothing against people who have it, but I can't understand the appeal in having it... most probably because I don't experience sexual attraction :) So, if you feel like you could live the rest of your life without even be tempted by having sex, then yeah, you'd fit the definition of an asexual I think.

Of course, what label, if any, you choose to identify by is completely up to you. If the definition of asexuality feels accurate to you, then I'd stick by it until proven otherwise.

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Rivan Vox

I am asexual, but I feel I may have a very different take on things.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Neither. Just friction.. I do it to fall asleep is all.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

No, when I crush on someone I usually just think about them.. smiling, talking.. their mannerisms and voice. I think about just hanging out and being happy.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I'm a virgin so I can't answer that. I don't like masturbation and sex is just.. violating.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Nope.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Neither- Spiritual is what matters. A sense of being 'linked'.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

No.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

companionship wins.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

No, it wouldn't be. I have never experienced orgasm. My body goes through the motions but there's no substance. Sex has no value.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Hahahno.

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annonnymous13

It's been a while since there's been a post in here, but I figured I might as well give my two cents.

FYI, I consider myself to be bisexual, but especially since coming to AVEN, I've realized that I'm a much less sexual person than most sexual people I know, and that I share quite a bit in common with many of the asexuals here.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

It's almost always a hypothetical situation.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Very rarely, and now that I'm crushing on an asexual, *never*.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I've only ever had sex with one person, and I didn't consider it to be so much better than masturbation to bother. Clearly, it could just be that I have to be with the right person or whatever, but right now, it's not really a factor.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Not at all, which seems to make me something of the exception to the rule.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional, absolutely. I'm an extremely romantic person.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Never, never, never.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Only been in one relationship, during which the girl was only actually physically with me for about two weeks. (It was mostly an internet relationship.) But out of the two weeks, we had sex on only three nights.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

The companionship, hands down.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

For me it wouldn't be that bad at all. I might occasionally (as in, *very* occasionally) think about it, but it's definitely not unthinkable.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I actually have a pretty decent libido--just not much of a sex drive. In that aspect, I would probably be considered to be abnormal, but I just sort of think of myself as bordering-on-asexual. :)

Hope this helps anyone who's still looking at this thread!

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sonofzeal

In the fight to reduce general board clutter, I've unstickied this thread. It has been valuable and healthy, and anyone who wants to can continue posting here, but it's now over a year old and I feel its time as a major board sticky has passed. Feel free to PM me any suggestions if you have another thread you'd like to see pinned for a time.

- sonofzeal, SPFA moderator

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dr_who

In the fight to reduce general board clutter, I've unstickied this thread. It has been valuable and healthy, and anyone who wants to can continue posting here, but it's now over a year old and I feel its time as a major board sticky has passed. Feel free to PM me any suggestions if you have another thread you'd like to see pinned for a time.

- sonofzeal, SPFA moderator

Way to be a killjoy, sonofzeal :P

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sonofzeal
Way to be a killjoy, sonofzeal :P

Curses, you've uncovered my evil plot to kill all joy in the universe by unstickying random threads! Of course, this means I'll have to terminate you now..... :ph34r:

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Beenthere

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

A mixture.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Absolutely. I can think about haviong sex with someone I see standing in line at the grocery. Not that i really would, but if I'm being honest, I do have those thoughts about strangers.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Well, I prefer both at different times. And I probably would go out of my way based on the likelihood.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

While they are two different things, to me they are inextricable in a couple situation.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I did. Well, it's more complicated than just that, but for the purposes of this discussion let's say that the sexual problem was a factor.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

A lot. 3 nights in a row, a night off, 3 more nights in a row. Sex at night and then morning sex...

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

In the relationship I'm in now, if I HAD to pick, companionship. Unless the reason for the no sex was that the companionship went south to begin with.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

It would be very bad.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

No. It's not as if we crawl under the table at restaurants or something. The way it happens is a very natural flow. There's no decision to do it, it just happens.

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CharleeToombs

I’m (trying to) answer all, in part for the self discovery, in part because you identify as Dr. Who, and in part (probably the most important) because I’m crazy.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

It really depends, on the situation, and what brought on the desire. Most often hypothetical though, because past experiences are impossible to replicate, and it’s never been sex that i actually think about though, generally oral or finger sex by someone else’s doing is what i think about.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not those things specifically, I’m the type that builds up to that. I have fantasies about kissing, and snuggling crushes.

3) A)Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? B) Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? C) Is it a factor?

a) I prefer sex most certainly, having someone do that for you is uplifting in the appropriate situations, and masturbation, although it gets the job done, doesn’t satisfy me fully, but that doesn’t mean i would be able to get off any better by having random sex, purely because i would be completely uncomfortable with it.

b) No. Sex is not something i plan out. It’s something that is based on feelings/desires in that moment with someone that i trust.

c) I don’t follow the question, a factor in what exactly?

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

There is a craving, but not an overwhelming one. I am odd in that i don’t act on my desires until I’m in love, and so i haven’t really complained ever when i haven’t had sex in a numerous amount of time.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional for sure, no contest.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I’d work it out, talk to them, if I’m at this level with a person I’d feel free to tell them what I desire, and hope they’d do the same. I am assertive. –shrug- I also get off fairly easy so I’ve never had problems.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Often. 2 times a day is not unheard of, but it varies depending on mood and current health... and of course, i demand love first.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Well, not really, since I wouldn’t have sex with just anyone, but I think I’d always be looking for that person to 'fill the void'.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I do not follow.

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Waterbottle20

I'll answer as best I can but as a virgin I can only offer so much lol

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I just imagine them being naked around me.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

yes

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I desire it more for sure.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I'm a virgin

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I wouldn't think so.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

companionship without a motherfucking doubt.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

It would suck to never have sex for a lifetime, as of now I know I could hold off if needed but 5 years from now? Idk.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

yeah, there's absolutely no question, I'm definitly sexual.

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A stranger

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

1. Try to make the picture as vivid as possible. As direct as possible. As real as possible. As energetic as possible.

I'd say that's key to whatever you wanted to find out. Any sign of "impersonal imagination" "avoiding body/faces" and other forms of distancing are a no-no to me.

It doesn't matter if imagination is about something that really happened and you're trying to remember and relive it, or something that never happened but it's with someone who you like. What matters is that whatever you're imagining is more personal than other options, more direct. A sexual would say 'whatever turns you on more' but on asexual forum that answer would not be of much use.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Me in particular: Yes, as a short answer. Closeness and thinking about 'it' is intertwined. I can't think of a single case of what you'd call "crush" where thinking about 'those things' didn't follow.

Other people: irrelevant; they'll imagine everyone and everything as long as it turns them on.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I can't say for sex (virgin here as well), but as for masturbation, yes.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Uh huh, define 'emotional aspects'. Asexuals don't like sex, I don't like infatuation and romance. I'd take sex over that any day.

But if you define emotional aspects in a "cold" way as a mutual feeling of closeness, being nice and caring and supportive etc etc, then you can't really call it a relationship without that, whereas you can not have sex and still call it a relationship.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Well so far I didn't so I'd say no.

But you're missing the point. Not getting along in bed is usually an indication of bigger differences. If indeed sex is the only difference then I guess it can be handled, but personally I don't know of a single such situation.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Since my girlfriend is asexual it's a grand amount of zero. If she wasn't, I think 4x a week would be a number that is optimal for me.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

You don't have a relationship without companionship. It's called "fuckbuddy" then.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Bad in what way and for whom? If you see sex as dirty and don't want to do it, having sex will be bad. If you feel sexual attraction and urge to do it but stay in (forced) celibacy, it's going to be bad. If you don't want sex but your partner does, it will be bad (incompatibility in general is bad).

And is it going to be THAT bad really depends on too many factors.

Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

It is abnormal by definition. Normal is something that is common. Of course, normal doesn't equal good or bad etc.

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BlackRose

I just saw these and thought they were really interesting and well written:

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Both. I usually play past experiences over in my mind, but I sometimes change different parts of them to make it different or interesting or like some hypothetical I've been thinking about.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes, that's pretty much what a crush (or liking someone, or finding someone attractive) means to me. If I didn't think about having sex with someone it wouldn't be a crush, just a friendship.

3) A)Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? B) Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? C) Is it a factor?

A. Yes, always. It's so much better. B I've gone pretty far out of my way before: I've driven for hours to meet up for sex, spent money on gas and airfare and hotel rooms to have sex, and so forth. But I think I'm more obsessed with sex than most sexuals. C. Yeah, I think about sex a lot, trying to find ways to find more sex partners, and so forth.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. I need to have an orgasm every day or so. I can get by just masturbating but it doesn't feel as good and it's not emotionally satisfying. I definitely feel deprived without intercourse.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

"Relationship" is a vague term. It depends on what kind of a relationship. There are just emotional relationships, which are friendships, and there are just sexual relationships.

If I'm in a relationship with both emotional and sexual aspects, both are important. I think it's probably about equal, but every relationship is different.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I probably wouldn't be exclusive with them and I'd keep having sex with other people. I don't usually like monogamy.

I would of course try to teach them and help them be better in bed, but if it wasn't working out sexually we probably wouldn't be compatible and would work better as friends.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Typically once or twice a day, depending on what else is going on. More on the weekends when I have more time. It also depends on how many relationships I have going.

8) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Would I be able to get the missing aspect from other people in my life? Or would that aspect be totally missing?

If I could get it with other people, it doesn't matter that much I guess. But if not, I'd want to keep the sex.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Yeah. It really, really would. I'd feel like a total loser. Like a worthless person. I'd feel disconnected from the world and everyone. I'd feel missing and incomplete.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

(Clarified as "Knowing what you do about your own feelings, would you consider confusion regarding whether or not you feel a desire for sex/sexual attraction indicative of asexuality in itself?")

Thanks for the clarification! Yes, I would. I strongly identify as a very sexual person. Sex is one of the most important, if not the most important, thing in my life. It would not feel normal if I started wondering whether or not I felt a desire for sex. It would feel like losing myself. I would probably try to go to a bunch of doctors and take drugs and hormones and supplements to try to get myself back.

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vogue

Hey,

Before reading this I thought I was 'sexual'... because I DO experience sexual attraction.........BUT after reading the responses, I honestly think I'm asexual. I'd identify as 'grey-A'... I experience sexual attraction but VERY RARELY, have a VERY LOW libido, and can probably go without sex for the rest of my life and be fine with it. I'm not sure 'sexuals' can really do this... so thank you so much for posting this survey! It's made me more confused about myself, but I think I may need to see a doctor or get psychiatric help or something. I feel like the craziest person ever because I just can't relate to either sexuals or asexuals anymore :(

My responses, if it helps at all...

I just have some things I need to know... For the longest time now I've struggled with whether to consider myself asexual, and certainly recently upon considering "outing" myself, I want to be damned sure. It's all so confusing. I need a look inside a mind on the other side of the fence...

By all means, pick and choose. I don't ask a 10-answer list of you...

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I actually don't masturbate... have no need for it. When I do 'touch myself' down there, it's just like to relieve an urge, and I don't picture anything, or think of anything at all. I don't even try to think of anything sexual or achieve orgasm or anything like that. It's not a sexual process or activity for me.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

No... I maybe think of kissing them or becoming intimate with them, but not sex. I've never had sex, I'm still a virign. :/

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I've never had sex... I'm the biggest loser ever.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Not at all. I only feel like the biggest social loser ever, because I feel like something must be wrong with me.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional for sure.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No. Let's face it... i'm horrible in bed. Most guys would dump me on that basis, and have.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I've only been in 2 relationships, and so far, never. They were short-lasted.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship, but I would desire intimacy too. Unfortunately it seems impossible for me to achieve this.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

No, not at all. I've never had sex & never really have urges for it... I don't understand society's urges for it.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

YES, but only because my urges are SO LOW/NON-EXISTENT!! I feel totally unrelatable to most members of society & like i need medical help or something. I don't know what is wrong with me :(

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Nick_

being bored out of my skull, I'm doin it..

By all means, pick and choose. I don't ask a 10-answer list of you...

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

generally it's thinking of other people. Rarely am I involved in the activities I'm thinking about.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

no/rarely.

for some reason I tend to not sexual my crushes till...er....we reach a point of having sex is

obviously gonna happen soon.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

A. yes

B. go out of my way? I think you mean what I think you mean, so...yes.

C. a factor for the crush to be valid? ...sorry...bit lost there.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

no. I'm perfectly capable of having an orgasm on my own. I do miss the body to body contact sometimes.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

emotional. no doubt.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

no. if everything else lined up terrific, then that area is workable/learnable.

On the same token - were they incapable do to a illness, I'd never leave based on that.

My love for them is based on them as who they are and what we are together. Illness (physically)

would never make me leave. <---been there.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

everywhere from several times a day to once a month to once every 4 months...

the lady kinda calls the shots on that one.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

companionship without question.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

A. No

B. People? Not sure what 'people' say but for me...no, it's not as unthinkable as people say.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Nope.

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Hi =)

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I don't necessarily think of any sexual activity, past or imagined, when masturbating. If I do play out a scene in my head it is usually made up to suit the particular situation/mood/desire at the moment, and even then, it is more about the activities themselves I think about, not any specific person/type of person engaging in them.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

I'm currently married and yes, I do often think about doing sexual things with my husband. However, the rare case in which I liked someone but was not in a relationship with them (a crush, if you will :P) I did not think about doing sexual things with them.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I absolutely prefer intercourse/foreplay to masturbation. There is an emotional connection included that does not exist with masturbation and there is just something so much more fulfilling about working with the person you love to pleasure the both of you.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. With my sex drive I'd be up for sex multiple times every single day, but that just isn't realistic. I can usually go about a week (while masturbating regularly and often) before the need/desire starts to get more persistent. From there is usually continually rises and falls along an upward trend to the point of severe depression, loneliness (just in this area), frustration and feelings of rejection and isolation of that part of myself.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional, by far, are more important, but that is not to say the sexual can be completely disregarded, either.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No. Other aspects of the relationship are far more important, would just try to work out some mutually acceptable arrangement.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Ideally, probably at least once a day. In reality, my husband usually goes about a month between sexual urges, so once monthly.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

If I had to pick, that would suck because of my intense drive. However, the companionship is more important. It might be easier, knowing I would never have sex again, because I wouldn't constantly be holding out hope "maybe tonight" "maybe this morning" "maybe next weekend" ...

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

I would survive, but I would feel that a part of me starving and would never be satisfied. If you lived in a perpetual state of hunger, to varying degrees, you'd live, and you'd maybe get over it and still enjoy your live overall, but there would always be that little bit craving, needing, growling...

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I'm not sure what you're getting at here. I agree that the intensity/frequency of my urges may be abnormally high...?

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ZombiesxArexLove

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I don't.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

No, but if someone asks or hints at it yes so i can't give them a proper answer.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

No i dont do either, im still a virgin

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

virgin

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

emotional

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

no

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

virgin

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

campanionship

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

no, it would be better, less money spent, more time to cuddle etc etc.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

no, i've never really had an urge.

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The Werewolf

1)...........

2)Dont know im only really attracted to my girlfriend and while yes i see girls and admire aspects i dont think of them in that form.

3)Well i would like to have sex but i keep my urges in check pretty well lol if you know me you will get the joke :) but no i have never tried to have sex

4)Not technically but not having sex can make people feel deprived or shunned but i feel shunned by more of just the relationship happenings I have not had sex so ya but it probably would because now at present time not being able to hug and see my girlfriend makes me feel deprived but who is to say?

5)for me the emotional but they really go hand in hand depending on how you look at it even though it may not be the most inportent it dose not mean it has no importence i agree with zeal

6)No it is not how good or bad they are it is just the fact that there is a connection made some times not even including sex

7)Well i guess here is the joke I have never had sex do to choice

8)Well if we could be vary close then the first

9) yes for me it kinda is well there is the obvious of not wanting to die a virgin but also i believe it is one of the closest most vulnerable situations in a relation ship. The bond that is formed is kind a big deal. But if i had to yes i could do it

10) well i am me and so forget the rest of the world lol but no i love my girlfriend vary much and believe my feelings for her are normal it is not like i think of boning every moving thing in fact i think she is the only one i really have even thought of in being that close and intimate with.

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seasalt

Geez... this thread is enlightening.

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Treval

I think more threads like this would be helpful for everyone, maybe with some deeper insight.

I'll be honest there's some truely absurd views here on sexuals, our lifestyles and how our minds work, so it was truely refreshing to see your post.

:)

Do you mind if I ask what those views are? Sorry if this isn't the place, and feel free not to answer, I'm just,,,kind of puzzled. ^^;; But then I'm not sure I would pick up on them since I'm not sexual myself.

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under_the_radar

I'm asexual, but I'll answer since others have incase it helps.

By all means, pick and choose. I don't ask a 10-answer list of you...

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I don't, so I can't help you there. I can say that it makes my skin crawl and makes me nauseous, before I knew it had anything to do with sex it wasn't so bad until near the end where panic induces (I have never been able to handle a full orgasm and it causes adverse reactions that out weigh any positive feeling I could imagine possible), but have never been able to do such with my own hand or knowing it's me doing such but once it was linked to sexual stuff mentally it stopped all together in my early teens. It's complicated and I'm not comfortable sharing anything else on this matter because of my history of abuse (and bad life experiences) on many levels from many sources in the past. What use to feel like confusion with experience just grew in negativity as a reaction to put it simply, how much is me and how much is from a bad childhood and early adult years I cannot tell you.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Nope, I never did, but boy did I crush hard and to this day I am a sensual person. I've never had those thoughts ever with any crush and found sex to be the biggest hyped up disappointment when I finally did have it.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Yes I do prefer intercourse because that is doing something nice for a partner and not something I would ever do to myself or want on my own initiative. At least intercourse has a purpose because it isn't for me, masturbation does not serve any purpose for myself. I tend to avoid both, but one has a purpose and one doesn't.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

NOPE! But no hug or kiss does, no talking and sharing ideas and feelings is really what gets me the most though. I need closeness, but not the sexual kind.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotions are the only factors I consider and anything sexual is secondary to emotions, without emotions/loyalty/etc there is no sex on my watch because I would feel used and like an object. I also don't like it, but don't hate it enough to draw a hard line against it at all.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I could care less, I only have sex out of respect and to be fair/avoid it being gotten else where and having it be my fault.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

When all the conditions make it not negative. I won't compromise at all if I have a bad feeling or it causes emotional conflict/trauma. I think over once a month is overkill, but if it lessens drama I'll cave.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Nope, I would have absolutely no problem with it. It would in a way be relieving and take away pressure and drama from my daily load, to me sex is drama and I don't like the drama that surrounds the topic as a whole.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I don't have urges so I don't understand the question.

I don't understand sex or why it's so important, I really do wish I could understand it for the sake of relating to others and not being treated like I'm broken, but no one has ever been able to explain it to me and every experiment has lead to a feeling of worthlessness and failure that I now understand is a syntax error and perfectly fine.

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qwertyuiop

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

The latter

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes, very much.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Yes, Yes, a factor for what?

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I didn't think I would, but yes.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The two can not be separated.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

no

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

As often as my partner wants

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Both.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Yes, it really is.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Not sure what this is asking.

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Munich

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Generally I like to read erotic fiction. Sometimes, though rarely, I will watch online porn. Rarely do I think about an actual sexual encounter.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not immediately, but I do imagine what they'd be like in bed or imagine them without a shirt on, or naked.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I like both. Sometimes, if I am in a hurry, M-ing is easier and faster.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. I didn't use to feel this way as much when I was younger. But if my husband had a higher libido, I would want sex at least every other day.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional aspect. But if a married couple is having sexual problems (usually mis-matched sex drives), then the absence of sex becomes absolutely critical. Sex may only be 5% of a relationship, but if sex is lacking, then it becomes the most important element. That is, unless neither partner wants sex.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I've only had one sex partner, so this is a tough one to answer. "Incapable" would denote to me that the man is impotent. I wouldn't become involved with a man who couldn't get an erection. I would remain their dear friend, but wouldn't pursue a relationship or go through the trauma of trying to fix an impotent fellow.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I've been married 20 years and we have sex about 3 times a week. I would like it more, however. I'm much happier when we have it 5-6 times a week. I feel more chipper, happier, etc.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship is everything, along with communication, in a marriage. But I would be miserable without having sex at least some of the time.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

It would be very bad for me. I think if my husband died, I could live without it and would never pursue just any old guy just to get laid. I would miss it tremendously and get very down and depressed if I couldn't have sex with my husband, however.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Oh no, just a normal sex drive. I've never been rapacious or thinking about sex every .09 seconds... nothing like that.

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