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Questions for sexuals...


red_brick_dream

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oops. I'm asexual but thought I would answer anyways :P Soz

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Its a little of both, the latter

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not really

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I prefer neither

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Not at all, Have not slept with anyone for about 2 and a half years. Don't miss it in the slightest

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

no

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

once a week if that.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

companionship for sure.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

I could not have sex again and it wouldn't bother me

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Don't know how answer this

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CreakyKeegan

Oops, I too, am Asexual.

But I like answering questions. SO I thought I'd do it anyways.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I mostly get an urge to masturbate, then I just.... masturbate. Not much thinking really.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

I can't say, as I don't think during those times. However, I can tell you what I think about when I crush on someone. I most often times envision cleaning together, and hugging, and dancing together, and doing everything as a team. Never do I envision us having sex, or anything remotely close. Candlelight dinners, yes, but not sex.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Based on the fact that I have yet to have actual intercourse, I am going to say I prefer masturbation. T_T

I would not go out of my way to have sex. If it happens, it happens, so-be-it. But at this point in time in my life, I do not see it happening, nor do I wish it to happen.

Sex, or rather, the rarity of it occurring is a big factor for me. I don't want to have sex. And I don't want the other person to have to go out of their way to not have sex, either. So that's a challenge.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Actually. I find the longer I go without masturbation, the more clear-headed and focused I become. So no. I actually feel freedom without having any sort of sexual release over time.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

For me, specifically, it would be emotional by far. Though, I do feel the burden for both, as most people do like sex, and quite often.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I don't know. I hope I never have to find out.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

ZERO. :) And that makes me happiest.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

I'm sure by now, you would guess the companionship. Which is absolutely... FALSE! Just kidding :). Definitely the companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Not for me. It's more unthinkable for me to ever picture myself having sex.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Well, I'm sure there are many other signs that indicate I'm quite abnormal :).

But, yes, they are abnormal in a sense, seeing how the "normal" seems to be thinking of sex.

But this is not abnormal for me :) and if the doctor says I need to take a pill because my sex drive is caused by some sort of illness, I'd say, "I'll take the bottle home, but it won't ever be opened."

:)

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When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them? I actually have very few overtly sexual thoughts about someone I have a crush on. I'll fantasise having them romance me, sweep me off my feet and a slow, sensual seduction...and that's where the fantasy ends, generally, before the actual conquest. I rarely think of the sex itself, and more the excitement of the buildup.

Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor? I find masturbation profoundly unsatisfying, both emotionally and physically. On the physical side, the climaxes I give myself are little more than muscular contractions, whereas my partner can give me a true 'finish with a flourish', as it were. :redface: And emotionally, I always feel lonely and a little ridiculous, afterwards.

Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time? Not consciously, but I'm definitely a lot more tense and less fun to be around. I get stressed and cranky far more easily when I'm sexually frustrated, and if some poor, wretched soul is actually foolish enough to crack that I "just need to get laid", the retaliation tends to be of the Shock-And-Awe-inspiring nature. Oddly enough, it's exactly the same if I don't get enough red meat. :blink:

Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual? Definitely the emotional; sex is only a big factor when there's a problem relating to it. Then it becomes enormous.

If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis? No, if they were awkward but willing, I'd try to educate them a little better. At least the lessons would be fun! ;)

When in a relationship, how often do you have sex? The ideal amount for me is three or four times a week, but I can happily compromise for less, as long as I'm still getting laid weekly or so.

If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex? As mercenary as this sounds, it would be the sex. The emotional aspect is important, but I can get that from my friends.

Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say? I don't know what other people say. The thought of it makes me feel as if I'm staring down the barrel of losing a limb, or a major sense, though. It's soul-crushingly depressing. I don't know if I'd jump in front of a train over it, but I'd find it very hard to maintain my cheery, optimistic demeanour if I knew, without a doubt, that there was no hope that I would be able to make love, ever again.

Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality? I''m on the more Voracious end of the Sex Drive scale, but I'm certainly not a hypersexual or a nymphomaniac; I am able to maintain responsible fidelity to a monogamous relationship, and the need for sex in no way interferes with or distracts me from my everday life and tasks. I do not believe my sex drive is abnormal - remarkable, perhaps, but in no way phenomenal.

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Rainbow_Girl

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

For me its both, can be a particularly enjoyable sexual event, or one thats never happened and is purely fantasy.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Eventually, Yes.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes, Not only phsycially but emotionally.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say? For me yes, its a need.. sometimes a physical ache for sex..

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality? No, i dont see my wants and needs as anything other than average.

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I typically think about the act itself, which I hear is the wrong thing to do (perhaps that's why I find masturbation so unsatisfying). When indulging in sexual fantasies, I imagine hypothetical events, but sometimes picture people from past experiences.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes. But I don't "masturbate to" people, and I don't expect anything from someone I'm crushing on.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I'm a virgin, but masturbation is never as satisfying as being with someone else. Masturbating is lonely and not terribly fulfilling.

Were I not in a relationship, I wouldn't go out of my way because, as a reasonably attractive girl, I don't feel that I need to or should. That may sound conceited but it's true. I don't have to jump through hoops.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Like I said, virgin. But I feel deprived when I haven't been touched/shown sexual attention or romantic attraction for some time.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional. I honestly don't think this will change once I become sexually active. If it does, I'll feel that something is wrong.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Probably not. I might make some suggestions or try new things.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I'm a virgin, to date.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

I may not have had sex yet, but the thought of never having sex IS really that bad. I'm so looking forward to it, someday.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I take this to mean, "Would a lapse in urges be considered a sign of abnormality?" Yes, but it happens from time to time. Though I'm sexually inactive, I'm well aware of my sex drive and its ups and downs. If I'm disinterested for a time, I don't assume I'm asexual, but I do wonder what's wrong. Sometimes depression will decrease my sex drive.

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

hypothetical.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not really. Although, the first time I really fell in love (well, she never knew it, she barely knew I existed, I was about 16 and very shy -- but I still remember her very well), I fantasized about making love with her on front of a fireplace. In fact, I wasn't thinking about the sex, rather on how it would be nice to be together like this.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation?

I would rather say: having sex (whatever form it takes) with my partner, rather than alone, is way better ; it's also completely different. (But intercourse is overrated).

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

emotional.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

of course not! That would be very unkind. And when you say "bad/incapable", it's a bit ambiguous... I'm assuming you're depicting a sexual who is just not "good at it". It can always improve. If you meant an asexual, well, there are at least hundreds of threads on this matter on this forum. Bottom line is: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, depending on the people involved.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Well, that would be the companionship, definitely. Love > sex.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Never have sex with my partner again? That would be very sad indeed.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

No.

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sinisterporpoise

My mind insterted a superflous A into this title for some reason...

I just have some things I need to know... For the longest time now I've struggled with whether to consider myself asexual, and certainly recently upon considering "outing" myself, I want to be damned sure. It's all so confusing. I need a look inside a mind on the other side of the fence...

By all means, pick and choose. I don't ask a 10-answer list of you...

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Really, I have a hard time taking this question seriously.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

No.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I'm a virgin and lack a basis for comparison. The issue you're missing is that I don't feel a great need to have sex with someone else.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

No, but I dont feel deprived when I go without alcohol or vegetables for a long period of time either.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

I think you'll find a huge gender gap in responses to this question, altough most men will still say the emotional.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

If asexuals don't want sex, why would this be an issue?

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I'd need major surgery before being able to answer this question.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

What part of asexual don't you understand?

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

See above comment.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I have no idea what this sentence means.

You are making some erroneous assumptions about asexuals here and probably should have taken more time before composing this questionnaire.

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loving_partner
You are making some erroneous assumptions about asexuals here and probably should have taken more time before composing this questionnaire.

I think that you missed that this set of questions was being posed to the sexual folks who frequent this part of the forums. It makes a lot more sense in that light.

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sinisterporpoise
You are making some erroneous assumptions about asexuals here and probably should have taken more time before composing this questionnaire.

I think that you missed that this set of questions was being posed to the sexual folks who frequent this part of the forums. It makes a lot more sense in that light.

The first post sentence in the post was added after I realized what I did here. There's a long complicated word for it, but basically my mind read what it expected to see, not what was there. This is a major reason why editors exist.

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Well this has certainly been an informative read from an asexual standpoint. :cake: to all the good sports who took the time to reply!

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This is possibly the most helpful thread ever on AVEN. Sticky please, although maybe it should be in Q&A.

As far as the confusion surrounding question 10, I believe what the OP meant to ask was "Knowing what you do about your own feelings, would you consider confusion regarding whether or not you feel a desire for sex/sexual attraction indicative of asexuality in itself?" Kind of a hard question to phrase. Basically does having the question indicate that you are probably asexual, since if you had the feelings, you would know.

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This is possibly the most helpful thread ever on AVEN. Sticky please, although maybe it should be in Q&A.

As far as the confusion surrounding question 10, I believe what the OP meant to ask was "Knowing what you do about your own feelings, would you consider confusion regarding whether or not you feel a desire for sex/sexual attraction indicative of asexuality in itself?" Kind of a hard question to phrase. Basically does having the question indicate that you are probably asexual, since if you had the feelings, you would know.

Stickied for now. If it stops getting responses, it'll get unstickied. Such is the way of things. :ph34r:

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As far as the confusion surrounding question 10, I believe what the OP meant to ask was "Knowing what you do about your own feelings, would you consider confusion regarding whether or not you feel a desire for sex/sexual attraction indicative of asexuality in itself?" Kind of a hard question to phrase. Basically does having the question indicate that you are probably asexual, since if you had the feelings, you would know.

A second whack at answering: I know now without a doubt that I am sexual, but I had to experiment to figure out what I liked and what I wanted. There are a lot of orientation concepts that still make no sense to me when I try to map them onto my life.

And on the other reading of the question, a drop in my sex drive usually indicates trouble with my physical or mental health.

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Both, depending on my mood. If I have seen someone that I really like, I'll fantasize about that; if I've been spending time with my girl, I'll fantasize about that.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Sure. At first just kissing; then, the longer and stronger the crush goes on, the more my thoughts can escalate.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I definitely prefer the actual act. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "go out of your way." One night stand, no. Personality is a huge factor in how attractive I find someone. If I've been having a friendship that quickly turns to flirting and relationship, I might make some minor sacrifices. It depends on the situation.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

A bit. Masturbation can carry me through for a while. Again, this depends on the situation. This hasn't really occurred, but I would feel much more deprived if I felt a girlfriend was doing it purposefully for some pissy reason than if I were just single for a while.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

I would say the emotional, but those can become linked.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No, I'd try to help them. The key is not to say it as though it's a critique like "Wow, try not to be so bad in bed next time," but rather, "Hey, next time if you tried this, it would feel so awesome."

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

In my current relationship, none (she may be asexual, hence my topic on this forum). My ideal would be at least once a week.

8) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Oh, that kind of sucks. Well, I would pick the companionship because I value love of all kinds. I'd masturbate a lot, though.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

To never have sex again... It's not the worst thing that could happen. However, I think of sex as a part of a romantic relationship and it would probably be difficult for me to adjust.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I'm not quite sure what exactly you mean by this; the fluidity of urges? I don't consider occasional deviations from my norm an abnormality. That's just the way my mind works sometimes. Sometimes I go a week or so without feeling particularly turned on, and thats fine; other times I feel especially horny or I have an unusual fantasy, but that's fine too. I'm not too rigid with myself.

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Hallucigenia

Going with the two latest interpretations of the last question:

I was plenty confused about my sexuality for quite a while, for more or less the same reasons that Ally was. Some bits of it are still very confusing for me, but the situation is "I'm sexual in a confusing way," rather than "I'm confused about whether I'm sexual".

As for deviations from my normal sex drive, contradiction and fluidity is the norm for me. Some days I'm in a ridiculously, almost annoyingly sexual place. Other days, the parts are still in working order, but I'm pretty apathetic about it and would be more inclined to just cuddle or do a project. I haven't figured out yet what causes the fluctuations, but neither end of the continuum feels abnormal or wrong to me.

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I just have some things I need to know... For the longest time now I've struggled with whether to consider myself asexual, and certainly recently upon considering "outing" myself, I want to be damned sure. It's all so confusing. I need a look inside a mind on the other side of the fence...

By all means, pick and choose. I don't ask a 10-answer list of you...

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

both, but since I live with an asexual I stop masturbate too

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them? Sure

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor? Intercourse, I believe that a sexual intercourse or better its is an higher form to share feelings and sentiment

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time? Yes

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual? The emotional, without it is not possible to have good sex

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis? NO

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?whenever we feel the need

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex? companionship

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say? I don't know, I am here to find help to know it

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality? abnormality? File not found

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, I'm new here. My partner fits the profile of an asexual but has not accepted himself as any one thing or another. I myself am sexual. What better way to introduce myself than (snork) talking about my most personal experiences!! haha

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Neither. I simply am present in the moment and experience the sensations in my body and emotions.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes, most certainly.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Most of the time I prefer intercourse. It's a way of connecting deeply with a person as much as it is a physical experience. I would not go out of my way for sex... I'm sexual but not codependent ;-)

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes/no. I feel deprived knowing there isn't someone who "wants me that way".

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional, by far. But part of sexual desire is emotion. With my asexual partner, I feel great emotional pain because he does not desire me in any way at all.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

NO. Again, if the emotional components that precipitate sexuality are there, there are ways to connect deeply.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Right now, none in four years. Prior, multiple times a week.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Hi, broken record ;-) It's not about the physical act. It's about the WHOLE deal. Emotions, the sensation of desire, the passion, all the good stuff. To have that removed from my relationship with my "intimate partner" immediately renders it less intimate.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Nope. :-)

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patient_husband

I'm a sexual male married to an asexual wife:

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Yes, both

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes. Sex is a part of the connection. I can't stop thinking about doing those things with my asexual wife even though I have realized there is nothing in her to which these things connect.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I always prefer sex to masturbation. However when my wife is offering but I know she really isn't feeling like it I would pick masturbation rather than doing something she won't like. I would definitely go out of my way for sex.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. I can always satisfy the physical need with masturbation, but the feeling of sexual connection with another person is pretty important. 3 or 4 days without sex and I start to get edgy. A week or more and I'm moody and having trouble keeping up with the normal stuff in my life.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Both are pretty important, but I would say emotional. (But most of us sexuals here on AVEN are here because we care about asexuals so you may not be getting a representative sample of sexuals.)

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No, as I mentioned I'm married to an asexual

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Well my asexual wife gives me “gift sex” about once a week. Were I with someone with a strong sex drive, daily sex would probably be my natural rhythm.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Imagine someone asked you to never eat again. They promise to give you all the nutrients you need through an IV so you won't starve. You'll never taste any of the foods you like again. You'll never sit down to a meal again or go out to a restaurant. Your stomach will always be screaming at you that it's empty. It wouldn't kill you but it would take a lot of the joy out of living.

That is how it would feel if I could never have sex again.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I think you are asking if I think my sexual urges are abnormal? Well compared to the non-existent urges of my asexual wife I seem like a sex fiend, but compared to most healthy sexual males in their 30's I'm probably close to average.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I feel weird answering these, considering the last time I posted in these forums was probably back when I considered myself asexual... :P

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Hmmm...if I really want to enjoy myself then I will think about sex....usually past experiences but if I'm REALLY bored then I'll make up a little hypothetical situation on the spot. Most of the time it's like scratching an itch, though, and not really something I do for enjoyment or satisfaction, just to release hormonal tension. So mostly, I don't think about anything in particular.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Absolutely. It's more an afterthought though, and not an immediate one.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Of course, which explains part of my answer to #1. :P There are sensations that only another person's hands or tongue or...whatever else, can give you. Someone else's touch is better than my own. Plus there's an emotional bond to be had.

I wouldn't go out of my way for sex....I'm not into casual sex or anything like that, but I would (and, do, sometimes...) go out of my way to get a date / relationship. :D

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

A bit. But it's not a preoccupying frustration.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional, for me. I can't be with someone if I can't find something to love about them. But sex is very important, too, as an expression of the emotions/dedication/love that is a relationship, and if someone doesn't put effort into sex or doesn't want it very much it makes a person feel unwanted, or like their partner has very little enthusiasm in the relationship.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No, because the key phrase there is "loved dearly". If I didn't love them at all, I could absolutely leave on account of bad sex. (And I've done that...)

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Depends on how busy she/I are, who I'm with, if we;ve been arguing/fighting or not. But generally 3+ times per week.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Honestly it would have to be the companionship, sex is meaningless without it, but not the other way around.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

It wouldn't kill me, but I'd feel like I'd be missing out on a part of life that I greatly enjoy. I'd even feel like I was denying a part of my identity, for there is quite a bit of my personality that's associated with my sexuality. Receiving sex is whatever, but I can't say that there's any activity I enjoy more than making love to a woman. Part selflessness, part performance, part...art form, really.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I wouldn't say I ever get sexual 'urges' (unless you count "scratching the itch"?). My sex drive is more like a constant undercurrent to daily life...

But I know what you mean. I thought it quite abnormal when I was (unknowingly) transitioning out of asexuality that i suddenly got urges to touch myself. I'm sure it's what most kids go through at puberty, but for a 19-year-old to suddenly, and inexplicably want to masturbate, it felt quite....silly. Foreign. Shameful, even. :P

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Deliriumdreamer

I'm kinda new here- my best friend in asexual, so I decided to pop in and answer any questions you guys would have for us 'sexuals'.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Depending on my mood, it could be either one. Sometimes I even replace real people with fictional people. It's crazy, but it works, and I don't feel as dirty.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Hardly ever. I mostly imagine the "puppy love" type thing with us holding hands or kissing at best.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Actually, I prefer the latter. And maybe it's because I prefer the latter that I can't enjoy the act of sex itself. My current partner boasts that he's amazing in bed, and that he's managed to 'get off' every girlfriend he's ever had- but he hasn't done so with me. It's almost as if I disappoint him every time we attempt sex, because I tend to lose interest and stop performing part-way through. I suppose that's a personal thing, though. Unfortunately, I would say that sex is a factor, just because I know I have those instincts- however, if I like the other person enough- I would be fine with whatever they are comfortable with as well.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Sometimes, but that's what masturbation is for, right? I went two years without even a relationship, and I held up just fine. And I'm not the type of person who has promiscuous sex- I do it for love.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional. Sex may be a factor, but I spend 98 percent of my relationships going on dates or doing nothing together.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I'm in a long-distance relationship, so I have sex as often as I can see my partner- and can find a secure place to do the act. So that's about once every two months or so.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Definitely companionship. Once again, for me- sex is an act of love- not just an act.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

It's not unthinkable, but difficult to say the least.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

At times, I actually do question them as being abnormal. Sometimes it feels as though I turn into a whole different person.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, I'm a sexual married to an asexual and thought I'd help answer questions too.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

At different times both - and sometimes neither. When I am most aroused I tend to be reading erotic literature and so my thoughts are focused on the plot of what is happening. Other times I will imagine a scenario which may have been a past experience, but is often a hypothetical fantasy.

Generally it is the idea of sex which turns me on most, rather than any specific act or fantasy. I am utterly in love with the idea of sexual intimacy between people, just the thought of people being vulnerable and loving and intimate and excited with each other is amazingly beautiful to me. It is generally that which is on my mind while I masturbate more than anything else. I tend to imagine the words spoken during sex - the expressions of love and lust and pleasure and want and need - more than the act itself.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes, in theory. But in practice I don't really have crushes on people. Never have. Attraction based solely on aesthetics is not something I have ever really experienced.

3) Do you conciousely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

The best intercourse to me is better than any form of masturbation. On the other hand disappointing, unfulfilling intercourse is far more dispiriting than even the quickest, most pointless masturbation. It is all about the experience with the other person. The engagement and intimacy. Their presence multiplies whatever you feel about the sex. If it is good it will be infinitely better for having been shared with them.

Masturbation is a safer option for a guarunteed satisfactory and erotic experience. But it will never be as good as sharing the physical act with someone else who is enjoying themselves.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. And no at the same time. Its a really difficult question for some reason. For me it is all about expectations. If my wife and I had a great sex life then I don't think I could live without the physical intimacy. However, sometimes I wonder whether, if I knew I was never going to have sex with my wife again, and was given completely free reign for masturbation than perhaps it wouldn't be the end of the world. Perhaps it might be quite liberating. It is the not knowing that is so difficult, the guessing, the hope, the failure. That gets frustrating and that is when I start to feel deprived.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional. Sex is an enjoyable physical expression of an emotional connection. Without the emotion behind it, it would be far less satisfying.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Ideally I would like to have exciting sex 2 or 3 times a week. But it is about the quality more than the quantity. A good orgasm is a million times more satisfying than a poor orgasm. A good connection with someone is a million times more rewarding than an uncommunicative one.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship. No doubt about it. Companionship is what the relationship is all about. Companionship, trust, warmth, mutual support etc.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

I don't know. Sometimes I think one thing, other times another. I think if i was faced with that prospect in reality it might be terrifying!

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Sometimes I wish sexual urges didn't so completely swamp my mind and I wish I had a bit more control over them. But at the same time the sexual urges are some of the most rewarding I have.

Abnormality is a horrible word; there is no such thing as normal. I hate that sex is so often considered in terms of what is normal or not.

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  • 1 month later...

24yrs old heterosexual female here

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Depends- usually I think about a hypothetical event, but past sex works too.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

at the beginning of the crush- not usually, but later on most definately

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I prefer partnered sex (intercourse or otherwise) 90% of the time over masturbation. I only prefer masturbation if I need to relieve tension to go to sleep. I would go out of my way to have sex if it was with the right person.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Deprived isn't the right word- TENSE perhaps, uneasy perhaps.........

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Both are so intertwined- for me the sexual attraction is one of the main ways of distinguishing a romantic relationship from a friendly relationship. I can get emotional intimacy from my friends, family, but there is only a certain kind I can get from my romantic/sexual partner.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Bad is relative- if it was a problem of inexperience/technique, that can be worked on. If they had some type of physical condition which prevented them from engaging in certain types of sexual acts, I would try to find a way to work around that. However if our desires were completely incompatible I am not sure what I would do.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Ideally 3-5x per week.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Probably sex- I get companionship from my friends, my pets, my co-workers, I actually don't mind living alone.....

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

To never have sex again..........are we talking INTERCOURSE or partnered sexual activity. To never have partnered sexual activity would be horrible, to never have intercourse would be bad. For sexuals there are a lot of emotions and self esteem tied into sexual desire, as well as the need to connect with another in an extremely vulnerable way.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Nope I think I am very norma, if there even IS such a thing. Sexuality is different for so many (as evidenced by this board), if you are comfortable with your self who else is to judge (so long as you are not hurting others)l- although I have been told I like vaginal intercourse more than the typical heterosexual woman.

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  • 1 month later...
red_brick_dream

This is possibly the most helpful thread ever on AVEN. Sticky please, although maybe it should be in Q&A.

As far as the confusion surrounding question 10, I believe what the OP meant to ask was "Knowing what you do about your own feelings, would you consider confusion regarding whether or not you feel a desire for sex/sexual attraction indicative of asexuality in itself?" Kind of a hard question to phrase. Basically does having the question indicate that you are probably asexual, since if you had the feelings, you would know.

Yes! You got it! :cake:! lmao

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Tapestry, this probably isn't the thread to ask this question, but you've brought up your marriage difficulties before on other threads, I believe. So...why on earth have you stayed so long in such an awful marriage that makes you terribly unhappy? Not just the lack of sex, but the lack of emotional closeness also. That's a serious question. If there are children involved, they must be able to see your unhappiness.

And again, I realize this question is out of order re the topic of this thread.

Hi Sally,

I'm not sure if there are rules about discussing religion on this forum or not, so I will just say that it's very difficult for me to justify divorce in light of my beliefs. I've been talking with my pastor for several months who is very supportive of the idea of divorce, but it's hard for me to get to that point (I am working on it, though). Also, one of my children has severe anxiety/OCD issues that have required therapy in the past, and I worry about the stress of divorce for her. I'm absolutely dying inside trying to rectify all these issues and make myself happy, too. It's complicated. In the meantime, it is at least helpful to read threads here on AVEN to at least try to see things from my husband's perspective. It doesn't make me feel any different about him, but at least it is hellping me to feel different about myself (i.e. I'm not repulsive).

Speaking as the child of a man and woman who no longer share any strongly affectionate or emotional bonds, I can say that I'd rather handle the stress of divorce than watch my parents stay together when they're both very obviously and clearly not happy. But, whatever you feel is right, you must do of course.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Warning: First post!! Hope this isn't going to offend.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

For me personally i prefer outer stimuli, such as pornography, but when I have an attraction of some sort to a particular person, sometimes that person can manifest in my pysche and I will create an imaginary situation, usually of sexual intercourse rather than just sexual acts, oral for example.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not always, unless I have very very attracted to them, and this would only be occasionally, for example, if I masterbate now I would not think about my bf.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I think this question could do with being reformatted (I mean this in the most sincere and un-derogatory way), for example Do you prefer sexual acts as opposed to masturbation?

Personally I prefer the intimacy of another person, and would have to say sexual acts.

Being gay I have gone out on the 'scene' just looking for sex nothing else, but this isn't always what you find. I have had a couple of experiences of mutual masturbation.

I would have to say that it is a factor and personally i would prefer intercourse.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I have un-intended periods of time with no sex of up to 8months, and there is a period during the 3rd and 4th month that I get very lonely, but by the 6th month am usually ok.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

For me it is a mixture of the two, as the emotional aspects sometimes coincide with the sexual, I want to elaborate this but am finding it difficult to give an example.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

I have never been in this situation, so am unable to give you a definate answer, but (and this sounds horrible) i would attempt to help them understand why, and work around the issue if this was not possible, it would probably have a big impact on my life and if that was the only problem, I would have to seriously reconsider the situation.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

It can vary, from once a week to up to 3 times a day, the once a week just so you know was if we only see each other on that day.

In my current relationship, my partner gets horny at night before bed, but I am always horny in the morning (without fail, which can sometimes be very very awkward)

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

I know this may sound contradictory to what I have been saying, but for life..... I would have to say companionship, as cold unemotional sex isn't all that good.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Thats a hard one to answer, I would have to say, I really couldn't imagine going with out it, I think it might be the exact reverse to how some A-sexuals feel about having sex.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Do I have too much sex? Not really, but it could be that I am conditioned to think that so much sex is 'normal', because it represents high fertility. I would probably be more worried if my sex drive dropped.

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Tapestry, this probably isn't the thread to ask this question, but you've brought up your marriage difficulties before on other threads, I believe. So...why on earth have you stayed so long in such an awful marriage that makes you terribly unhappy? Not just the lack of sex, but the lack of emotional closeness also. That's a serious question. If there are children involved, they must be able to see your unhappiness.

And again, I realize this question is out of order re the topic of this thread.

Hi Sally,

I'm not sure if there are rules about discussing religion on this forum or not, so I will just say that it's very difficult for me to justify divorce in light of my beliefs. I've been talking with my pastor for several months who is very supportive of the idea of divorce, but it's hard for me to get to that point (I am working on it, though). Also, one of my children has severe anxiety/OCD issues that have required therapy in the past, and I worry about the stress of divorce for her. I'm absolutely dying inside trying to rectify all these issues and make myself happy, too. It's complicated. In the meantime, it is at least helpful to read threads here on AVEN to at least try to see things from my husband's perspective. It doesn't make me feel any different about him, but at least it is hellping me to feel different about myself (i.e. I'm not repulsive).

Speaking as the child of a man and woman who no longer share any strongly affectionate or emotional bonds, I can say that I'd rather handle the stress of divorce than watch my parents stay together when they're both very obviously and clearly not happy. But, whatever you feel is right, you must do of course.

I have to agree with Tapestry, my fathers lack of sexual appeal for my mother is why they broke up. Very hard for her, but she is a stronger person for it, as am I and the rest of my siblings, it may be hard for your child to deal with, but it is no harder than living in an environment where hostility, whether passive or aggresive, reigns.

Stop dying inside, and start living, not just for your child but for especially you.

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Hello! I'm a 26 yr old pansexual female. Here are my answers to some of your questions:

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Usually a hypothetical sex event

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Maybe not at first, but eventually.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation?

Most of the time, I actually prefer oral sex to actual intercourse. As far as masturbation goes, I like that too. It all just really depends on the situation and what kind of mood I'm in.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

I think for the relationship to work long term the emotional aspects are more important. As a sexual, I have to be sexually attracted to the person, but I need a lot more than sex to sustain a relationship.

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