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Questions for sexuals...


red_brick_dream

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red_brick_dream

I just have some things I need to know... For the longest time now I've struggled with whether to consider myself asexual, and certainly recently upon considering "outing" myself, I want to be damned sure. It's all so confusing. I need a look inside a mind on the other side of the fence...

By all means, pick and choose. I don't ask a 10-answer list of you...

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

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Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

This is the question that really stood out to me. I am in a marriage that is, for the most part, sexless. It has been 15 years. I have cried myself to sleep many nights. I have coped the best way I can, but I am at a point now where within the last year I have started to realize I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I am so depressed. For me, the emotional aspect and companionship is important, but I need sex be a part of that. In my specific situation my husband is also a very, very unemotional, unaffectionate person, so that may magnify the importance of sex to me. I think in my ideal relationship emotional closeness along with once-a-week sex (roughly) would be perfect...but those two are intertwined. I don't really think one without the other would be satisfying to me. Sex isn't everything, but it feels like it when I haven't had it for so long.

And to answer another one of your questions..."When I am crushing on somebody, do I think about doing those things with them?" I have had a huge, huge crush on a man for the last 3 years. I fantasize about all sorts of things with him...showing affection (kissing, hugging, backrubs), talking and gaining an emotional closeness, sex, all of it. I fantasize about really being able to show love and make him happy in all sorts of ways, and have all those things returned to me as well.

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Tapestry, this probably isn't the thread to ask this question, but you've brought up your marriage difficulties before on other threads, I believe. So...why on earth have you stayed so long in such an awful marriage that makes you terribly unhappy? Not just the lack of sex, but the lack of emotional closeness also. That's a serious question. If there are children involved, they must be able to see your unhappiness.

And again, I realize this question is out of order re the topic of this thread.

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Tapestry, this probably isn't the thread to ask this question, but you've brought up your marriage difficulties before on other threads, I believe. So...why on earth have you stayed so long in such an awful marriage that makes you terribly unhappy? Not just the lack of sex, but the lack of emotional closeness also. That's a serious question. If there are children involved, they must be able to see your unhappiness.

And again, I realize this question is out of order re the topic of this thread.

Hi Sally,

I'm not sure if there are rules about discussing religion on this forum or not, so I will just say that it's very difficult for me to justify divorce in light of my beliefs. I've been talking with my pastor for several months who is very supportive of the idea of divorce, but it's hard for me to get to that point (I am working on it, though). Also, one of my children has severe anxiety/OCD issues that have required therapy in the past, and I worry about the stress of divorce for her. I'm absolutely dying inside trying to rectify all these issues and make myself happy, too. It's complicated. In the meantime, it is at least helpful to read threads here on AVEN to at least try to see things from my husband's perspective. It doesn't make me feel any different about him, but at least it is hellping me to feel different about myself (i.e. I'm not repulsive).

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

The latter, mostly. Actually, very often sex isn't involved in my thoughts at any point. Sexuality usually is, but not necessarily sex.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not usually, except in special circumstances.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Not really. I do love physical contact of all sorts though.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I feel deprived (and have difficulty sleeping) without orgasms. And I feel deprived without hugs and cuddles and close physical contact. Sex just happens to be a good way to get both.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Definitely the emotional. I think most sexuals would agree too. But just because something isn't the most important, doesn't mean it isn't still important.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Personally, no. As long as we shared physical contact in other ways, I'm fine.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Not often. Hard to quantify, because most of my relationships have been long distance.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship, definitely. Orgasms I can handle on my own just fine.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Not so bad. It happens to a lot of people, due to illness or disability, and they tend to get along. It's more of a social thing, making a big deal about how important sex is to you is sort of a pissing contest among certain demographics.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

....I'm really not sure what you're asking. Clarify?

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Mostly when I masturbate I focus on the physical sensations more than anything else. It can be either thinking about sex in the past or hypothetical sex that gets me in the mood to masturbate, though.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes. A lot.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I would nearly always pick sex over masturbation. I would definitely go out of my way for the possibility of sex. Is what a factor?

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. How long it takes me to feel deprived depends on the circumstances.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional, but that doesn't mean sex isn't important.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

It's more likely that if someone was bad in bed, I wouldn't ever have gotten to the point that I was deeply in love with them. They'd be weeded out before they got to that stage. If they became incapable after I was in love, then I wouldn't necessarily leave because of it. I would leave if they couldn't either a) find ways to give me sexual satisfaction that worked for their situation or b) didn't let me go elsewhere if they were entirely incapable/uninterested.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Depends. In my perfect world, I'd have sex every day. In reality, I probably wouldn't be interested quite that much, but a good 4-6 times per week sounds pretty reasonable. In a new relationship I tend to be more interested in sex, and the longer it goes on the less urgent it is. In my last relationship with a lower-drive sexual, we had sex every week to week and a half and I thought that was WAY too little, I wanted to chew my own arm off out of frustration.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Uh, I would never be in a relationship that didn't have both. False dilemma.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

If it were forced on me in some way, I'd accept it. If I somehow lost interest, obviously it wouldn't be that bad for me. However, with the drive I have and barring the possibility of a horrifying accident or being locked in a jail cell for the rest of my life, I would find some way to have sex. I guess it is unthinkable, because literally, there is no relationship, nor religion, nor any other intangible reason that I can think of that would stop me from pursuing sex as things are right now.

Reading that, it makes it sound like I think about nothing else, which is really not true - I wouldn't be out there putting an hour a day into it or anything. I just can't imagine that if the opportunity came up that I wouldn't take it, or that I would ever not have an eye out for opportunities.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Huh?

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I'm an asexual, so sorry if I shouldn't be posting this- but since you're trying to figure out if you're ase or not, getting an asexual perspective as well might help. Ignore this if yo'd like.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I read hentai of unrealistic characters (in proportions, highly stylized, etc. I can't think of real people having sex- no offense to sexuals, I know you do and there's nothing wrong with that so long as both parties choose to, but it's too gross to me). So, basically, I'll use that. I pretty much have to be reading it while I do, because if I stop it goes away damn fast, and it takes ages to find something decent (I don't want a really stupid storyline, I've actually found some reallygood ones).

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

I don't know when I have crushes so I'll skip to people I'm in a relationship with. I was ina relationship with my partner online befroe we met in person. I really freaked out that I might be demi because when I imagined kissing (no tongues), etc with them I got aroused. Turns out that that's more likely my body's idiotic defense mechanism. either way- I can enjoy "sexual" things with my partner, but we don't actually have sex, but we also don't see it as sexual. I don't think either of us experience sexual attraction or, aside from libido, sexual desire. It's just something intimate, etc to do.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

No and no and definitely not. What we do is basically mutual masturbation crossed with cuddling, I don't think either of us want to have sex-sex. We plan to have a kid and one of the biggest concerns is that we're probably going to have to get rid of the hymen first and a child being the first thing to go through a virgin womb is going to end in all kinds of painful for me.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I actually kind of do- not deprived so much as.... I get irritated and unhappy. I don't think it's the lack of sex or anything like that, since I can and sometimes do masturbate. I think it's more the intimacy, and generally the reason we don't do that is because my dysphoria's gone through the roof so we can't- which is something that'd cause anyone to get irritated and unhappy, and generally precludes any physical contact. If you went however long with your partner but unable to touch them due to a sin your body committed that you spend your life suffering for- most people would be a bit angry themselves.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

I'll answer this "emotional" or "physical" since, no matter what society says, there aren't sexual aspects to our relationship, it's easier to refer to them as such to make it clear what we're talking about- but we dont see them as sexual.

And definitely the emotional, btu the two are deeply related. Being physically close and being emotionally close are almost impossible not to overlap. I feel emotionally close to my partner almost all the time, with rare exceptions, so it's hard to know if I'd miss being physically or emotionally close more when I've never not been emotionally close to them, yet know painfully well what it is to not have the physical aspects.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

About once a week lately. It depends on how I feel and how I don't. In the first month it was about daily- but a few things happened at once that made me feel awkward about it, so it lessened a lot.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

I sometimes think a bigger problem sexuals have is that they're deeply attracted to their partner sexually, and their partner doesn't return it. It's not unrequited love- but it's a very important part of attraction to them that goes unrequited. Even if the asexula does have sex, really tries for their partner, it might not be enough because they don't find them sexually attractive, and that might be the biggest hump that's impossible to get over.

I don'tk now if 2 sexuals were together and for some reason had to stop having sex if the same thing would play out. They'd be able to remind each other how sexually appealing they are, how much they want them if only it weren't for X. They'd understand each other better, too. Would they have to part ways from it? Maybe. But I doubt all the negative emotions- the feeling unwanted, unnappealing, disgusting, etc- would be involved.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Yes. It took a long time to figure out my being asexual, repulsed asexual, no less, and wanting to do that with my partner.

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Hetty_Person
I just have some things I need to know... For the longest time now I've struggled with whether to consider myself asexual, and certainly recently upon considering "outing" myself, I want to be damned sure. It's all so confusing. I need a look inside a mind on the other side of the fence...

By all means, pick and choose. I don't ask a 10-answer list of you...

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Either or, would depend very much on available stimulus

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

That can happen, but it doesnt have too.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Yes I do, I see the two as being quite separate, don't quite understand the second part of the question

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Deprived, wrong word, maybe unfulfilled, but it would depend very much on the situation

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Nope

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Varies incredibly, from daily to maybe just once a week dependant on all sort of outside factors

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Truthfully, I'd want both so I won't answer :rolleyes:

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Assuming there were no outside factors that prevented it and I was still fit healthy and able I can't imagine wanting to live a sexless life.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Don't understand the wording of the question

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Hallucigenia
1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Mostly hypothetical sexual events. It can involve hypothetical situations with real people I'm attracted to, or hypothetical situations with imaginary people, or a weird mix of both sometimes. Sometimes I think about a situation with sexual tension or fetish value instead of actual sexual content. And, occasionally I'll just sort of think of a weird abstract image that momentarily becomes connected to the idea of a pleasurable sensation. I don't know if that actually makes any sense or not but it works. Plain old "focusing on the sensation" never worked for me, though.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

A qualified yes. By default, I do. If I'm crushing on someone I don't know well, or don't feel entirely comfortable crushing on, or the crush is very new, then often I won't, but if the crush goes on and I keep seeing the person then sexual thoughts will develop.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional aspects do. However, this is a misleading question, because in a close and loving relationship (or one that's SUPPOSED to be close and loving) any sex that is had will have emotional aspects, which in turn are influenced by other emotional aspects of other parts of the relationship, and... it's far too complicated and all stuck together and you can't just pick one and expect the other not to be affected.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No, but I'm polyamorous. If someone fulfils me in one way but not another, I'm perfectly free to find someone else who fulfils me in that other way and have it both ways. This is one reason it's great to be poly if you can do it without your head exploding from jealousy. Yay!

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

This is a trick question because I'm not the sort of person who could be emotionally healthy while having sex with someone who did not also provide me with companionship. So of course I'd pick the companionship, since the other option is impossible. Now, if it was a choice between amazing companionship and mediocre sex, or mediocre companionship and amazing sex, I'd still pick the amazing companionship without much angst, although see above re polyamory.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

If I simply never had the opportunity/ability/whatever to have sex? That would be a bit sad, but I could live with it.

If I was in an otherwise fulfilling relationship with a person who deeply attracted me, and we could never have sex (and I never had the opportunity/ability/whatever to form another sexual relationship)? That would be both sad and very, very frustrating, but I'd want to keep the relationship because, well, like I said, it's otherwise fulfilling, and if we were truly emotional compatible then I'd want to think we could work through it and find ways to make it not so frustrating for either of us.

I'd like to point out, though, that most "mixed" relationships (which is certainly what you're trying to get at here) do not fit the rosy image painted in the above paragraph, and that's because of what I mentioned before, with the emotional and sexual aspects of a relationship affecting each other. If sex becomes a minefield of conflict, which it usually does, well, then you have a relationship with a minefield of conflict in it. And conflict over sex has a nasty habit of spilling over into other very important areas, like nonsexual physical affection (often the asexual partner is too scared to do this because it might lead to a sexual advance, and/or the sexual partner is too scared to do this because it might make them aroused and lead to rejection or to them offending their partner) and self-image (the sexual feels unattractive, the asexual feels broken, etc). And, it's just... generally not pretty, and I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship like that, and I don't blame the partners in such relationships for feeling desparate and wanting to leave!

(I admire those relationships, such as Olivier's marriage, which are strong enough to survive and thrive despite such a mismatch, but that seems to involve moving beyond the silly "which is better, companionship or sex?" dichotomy, which makes sexual people sound like shallow idiots for wanting sex.)

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I'm not sure that I understand this question as it is confusingly worded. You seem to be asking something like, "Would you consider the possibility that maybe your own sexual urges are a sign of abnormality?"

And my answer is, yes. Yes, I bloody well have.

They probably are, even, in my case. But there's nothing I can bloody well do about it.

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Both, either, neither. Depends. Recalling the best sex you ever had works pretty well for me. As does fantasising about things that are hypothetical, but possible. Or just thinking about someone's sexiness, and not necessarily even intercourse, maybe just touch.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes, but I spend more time fantasising about foreplay, or possible ways of getting to the point of first sex.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Physically: the physical sensation of intercourse is mildly preferable to the physical sensation of masturbation.

Emotionally/sexually: partnered sexual activity is hugely and massively and utterly preferable to solo sexual activity.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Sexually frustrated, yes. I don't have a sense of sexual entitlement, so deprived is not really the right word. I could go much, much longer without sex if I had no relationship, but inside a relationship the constant rejection of opportunities for sex takes a heavy emotional, as well as sexual toll (at least it did before I learnt that my partner was asexual - I don't feel rejected any more).

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional, hands down. But it's a bit like asking whether it's more important to have food or drink. If you can only have one, you need to get pretty creative with the other.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No. Maybe. Depends. If there were no other factors like kids, and I thought we'd both be happier apart, and could still keep a deep friendship, then probably Yes.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I've been with my asexual wife for 19 years, but we've only got a handle on her asexuality in the last few. Other times we've been trying to get pregnant, or she was trying to be "normal", or there other issues like work stress/shiftwork, so we've gone everywhere from three times a day to three times a year. My ideal would be about three times a week - it was higher when I was younger.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship, but it would be a bit bittersweet without sex.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Outside a relationship, bad, but not impossible. Inside an initimate relationship, yes, unthinkable. Tried to go there for my wife's sake, ended up close to clinically depressed.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I took this to mean "Are you sure you don't just like sex so much because you're abnormally hypersexual?" In which case the answer is No, I think I have a pretty average sex drive.

-----

One of the complicating factors in answering these questions is the rather elusive question of what constitutes sex. I think I could go the rest of my life without intercourse if I still had a level of sexual interaction with my partner. As my partner is asexual, we often do things that are more sexual for me than her (eg sexual play where I masturbate but she doesn't). Ironically, she often chooses intercourse as an alternative to this as she sees it as "less sexual", or in any case something which requires less getting into a sexual mindset for her, and of course she knows I like it, which is a positive for us both.

Oh. and:

And, occasionally I'll just sort of think of a weird abstract image that momentarily becomes connected to the idea of a pleasurable sensation. I don't know if that actually makes any sense or not but it works. Plain old "focusing on the sensation" never worked for me, though.

Makes sense - me too. As for just focussing on the sensation, I tried that once and got ejaculation with virtually no orgasm at all - it was like milking a cow. *ahem* :unsure:

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red_brick_dream

Thanks so much for playing along. I know it's weird. It's been helpful. I must apologize if I sounded cold or bitter or apathetic. I just don't really understand.

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Thanks so much for playing along. I know it's weird. It's been helpful. I must apologize if I sounded cold or bitter or apathetic. I just don't really understand.

It didn't to me, although I agree that the last question was really hard to understand.

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

What does looking at porn/erotica count as? I guess that falls under hypothetical acts.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Only had one crush since I stopped being sexually repressed and I spent several days at work (she was a co-worker, they'd brought in about 20 temps for 3 months) thinking about performing oral sex on her. I've made that as sterile as I can for aven.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I'm going to assume by sex you specifically mean intercourse. Some days I'm tiered or sore and its not exactly practical to have sex since its no fun when your back aches for example.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Don't know. Since I've started having sex the longest I've been without it is 2 weeks because she was having a super long period. We still had sexual contact so it didn't feel like going without.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional but sexual is important too. If I were, lets say, heavily into bondage or some other kink then sexual might be equal to emotional because it was a big part of who I am.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

If they started bad it probably wouldn't have gotten there but I couldn't see myself leaving someone if they were in an accident and suddenly could perform like they could before.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Used to be every night (again counting only intercourse as sex) but not we average three times a week if shes not super busy. Shes got an anxiety disorder and we're moving at the end of june so shes mildly freaking out.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

See hulla and oliver's answers, they covered my feelings pretty well.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

How would that happen?

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

You really need to clarify this one.

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Hey guys, I just wanted to quickly thank all the sexuals who kindly replied to this thread. It was very informative and interesting read! and after reading how often people in relationships expect to have sex :blink: ......well i'm feeling even more asexual than before now! :lol:

:cake: :cake: :cake:

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Thats why we're here Friday, to make you feel more different :P

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I want to thank those who answered too. It's very interesting to find out how sexuals think about sex. I never knew it could be so important - well, I knew it was important on some emotional level, but never so much.

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Hetty_Person
Thanks so much for playing along. I know it's weird. It's been helpful. I must apologize if I sounded cold or bitter or apathetic. I just don't really understand.

Thank you for taking the time to ask and thank you especially for admitting that you don't understand.

I think more threads like this would be helpful for everyone, maybe with some deeper insight.

I'll be honest there's some truely absurd views here on sexuals, our lifestyles and how our minds work, so it was truely refreshing to see your post.

:)

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I've enjoyed reading sexual members' posts here on AVEN because it's very interesting and fun to take a peek at the sexual's world and sexuality. after reading some of their posts, I started to think that I might be something other than a sexual as I felt I was so different from them. I'll keep diligently reading sexual & asexual members' posts to figure out who I am. please stick around and leave many posts across the board, sexual members. every single bit of input will be always much appreciated. thank you guys!

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Hypothetical sex event. I find thinking just about having 'normal' sex not arousing enough. I guess there needs to be contect with another human to feel aroused enough.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

No, I believe it would be in a way disrespectful (paradoxically, I don't feel as such when I'm watching such material probally because I don't know the person or there a fully matured adult) and I would'nt feel comfortable as it would be kind of violating the innocence of puppy love to imagin something like that before it has really happened.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Never had any contact in an emotional or sexual way, however I know I have a desire for it, as much a any other sexual person.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I will try to undergo celibacy for as long as I can (I am doing so now, since the 31st of April so I can measure the days that I've gone by the date). The first few days are very hard to resist but actually there after I don't really have a desire to masturbate unless I'm in a arousing situation or start to think about it to much (which is uncommon whilst going celibate).

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

I'd like to believe it's emotional, but I'm not to sure about a totally celibate relationship (that is to say, I would be able to do so, but I'm not sure how long I could last and remain trully content. Maybe, maybe not). Then again, I'd be happy to have a close, emotional firendship that was'nt officially a relationship. Thats a hard one for me to fully describe.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Depends on life style and other aspects of that person. If life was tough, we where somethimes uncomfortable together and they where totally against sex, I'd feel inclined to split up. If on the other hand we lead a care/streess free life, they where 100% my type of person (uterlly enjoyed their company) and would still want me to be satisfied in everyway (I understand how selfish that sounds but can't say it any other way) I would never dreaming of leaving such a person.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

Like I said, never been in a relationship. However, If i imagin it of the top of my head I can't ever imagin having sex in a relationship, which... is a suprise to me now I think about it. Like you read/hear about people in a relationship, but if I try to imagin it with me in a relationship at this current point in my life, I'd feel it would'nt happen. Suprised myself there.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

I believe I'd feel most comfortable saying companionship. A partner for life, in every aspect of life sounds gargantuanly more fulfilling than the hot saucy sex I fantasize about when I'm in the mood (which to be fair, is very appealing).

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

I sympathize with asexuals here when sexuals rant on about how great sex is. Of course it's is a great aspect of life, but so is drawing a picture putting all your heart into it, or getting marks in schoolwork you'd never have been able to realize you could achieve, or being told something than makes you glow for the rest of the day. Those things are underrated, while sex is overrated. probally because of there accessability.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I'll interprit this as 'Do your urges lead you to believe you are abnormal'.

Instinctivly, I'm probally on the kinkier side of sex (mose people seem content with 'normal' sex while I need abit more oomph to really get into the game, however I really can't be cirtain, being a virgin and all). So I suppose I am abnormal in type of arousal, but apart from that I believe I'm normal.

I feel quite happy with my first post here :lol: Hope it's a useful insight. :)

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red_brick_dream
10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

You really need to clarify this one.

Enh, it's really not worth it at this point. I've licked my wounds. For the record, though (as some people's interpretations haven't reflected well on me =) ), no one has gotten it as I intended.

I feel quite happy with my first post here :lol: Hope it's a useful insight. :)

Me too! :cake: Welcome to AVEN.

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Ooh, a survey! I love surveys!

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

A bit of each, but more often about hypothetical sex events.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Yes.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

I'll quibble with you here and say that I prefer sexual activity with another person to masturbation, but the activity doesn't have to be intercourse. Social vs. solitary is the most important distinction for me (and not just in the sexual realm, I guess).

I have gone out of my way in order to have sex with someone I thought was attractive.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I think "deprived" is not quite the right word. I find myself a lot more interested in people who seem like potential partners, and I find myself thinking about sex more often. But I don't resent the world if it fails to present me with sexual opportunities. I prefer having more desire than opportunities to having things the other way round.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Definitely the emotional. I don't think sex is even very good unless there's an emotional connection.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

It depends a lot on the circumstances. A lot of "bad/incapable in bed" can be fixed with some communication and effort, and I'd try that first. If there was a fundamental sexual incompatibility in my relationship, I would probably want an open relationship so that I could experience some good sex. But yes, I would consider bad sex to be a real problem that had to be resolved if the relationship were to continue.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

It has varied from several times a day to once every couple of months. Every other day or so seems to be a comfortable rhythm for me and my husband. Prior to him, I have never lived with a partner, and I think living with someone affects the dynamics a lot.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

The companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

A lot of the sexual connection I am interested in could happen without anybody getting naked and having orgasms together. If I could make out passionately with someone so long as we didn't take of our clothes, that would be enough. (Although one can get up to quite a lot in "making out passionately".) If I had to give up any sort of sexual connection with anybody, I think that would be very unfortunate for me. But life would still be worth living, and I would just throw myself into my work and my friendships. (Am I still allowed to get a bit of a frisson from some of my friendships? It seems like life would be much duller without that.)

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

You mean do I have weird fetishes? I like pain (both giving and receiving), and being tied up. I like it when I or my partners transgress gender boundaries. I figure those kinks are all so common as to be boring, though.

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  • 2 weeks later...
loving_partner
1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

A combination of both - usually some fantasy or variation based on someone I know or knew, and some situation that was very pleasant, or perhaps could have gone another way to become so.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Definitely. I'll find myself daydreaming about romantic and sexual encounters with them frequently. For me, sex in a relationship is an extension of romance - it's the most intimate part of intimacy.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Intercourse isn't always necessary, but touching each other is always much better than touching myself.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

Yes. "X" varies, but usually averages around a week. But that might not be typical.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional. Sex without emotion really isn't a relationship, but emotion without sex is. But physical intimacy is part of my emotional needs.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

No. If it were merely a question of technique or experience, I think I'd enjoy playing the role of a teacher. If my partner were physically or emotionally incapable of having sex, that poses a dilemma. I know now that I have a breaking point, and would eventually stray to find sexual intimacy outside the relationship - if we could accept that I think that would be OK. If not - well I don't know how that ends yet.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

I'm not qualified to say anymore. I've been with my wife for 17 years, and before that we were both fairly inexperienced. In my current relationship we have sex once every 1-3 months on average. I'd like it much more - sometimes I'd like to have at least some sexual contact (not necessarily intercourse) every day. I think that intense desire would slack a bit if I actually were having sexual contact more frequently.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

I don't think I could choose. Leaving either behind would leave me unacceptably empty - I don't think that would be a life worth living.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

There are some nights where a grown man cries himself to sleep because he feels like no one in the world wants to touch him. There are times when he is mad with the need to be wanted in that way, and if it were offered right then he would throw everything away just to feel desired.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I think that's a good question. I think that if anything, my sexual urges are made overwhelming by being constantly denied. If I were hungry for an hour, I would eat and be satisfied. If I starved on the streets for a month, I would binge until I couldn't take another bite. Reading some of the other stories here I see something familiar from my own - I'm starting to think that as sexual partners of asexual people we are becoming obsessed with the sex we're not getting.

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loving_partner
I sometimes think a bigger problem sexuals have is that they're deeply attracted to their partner sexually, and their partner doesn't return it. It's not unrequited love- but it's a very important part of attraction to them that goes unrequited. Even if the asexula does have sex, really tries for their partner, it might not be enough because they don't find them sexually attractive, and that might be the biggest hump that's impossible to get over.

That's perfect and brilliant and insightful. That's exactly what hurts, at least for me.

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LadyLongLocks
I sometimes think a bigger problem sexuals have is that they're deeply attracted to their partner sexually, and their partner doesn't return it. It's not unrequited love- but it's a very important part of attraction to them that goes unrequited. Even if the asexula does have sex, really tries for their partner, it might not be enough because they don't find them sexually attractive, and that might be the biggest hump that's impossible to get over.

That's perfect and brilliant and insightful. That's exactly what hurts, at least for me.

Me, too.

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1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

Hypothetical, most of the time my fantasies don't even involve me or a really sexual experience but something sensual or unusual that I feel is somehow erotic. I don't know how my own mind work to be honest :P

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

Not usually. Mostly, I'll be wanting to spend time together, feeling that chemistry you get with someone who's right for you. I'll get butterflies at the thought of kissing and holding hands, looking into each other's eyes. The sexual desire tends to come later if I get to go out with Mr. Crush and we seem to be headed for a relationship.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

Intercourse and masturbation are very different for me. Intercourse is usually underwhelming (sorry to my exes and my current BF out there!) but sex is about showing yourself at your most vulnerable, you can't always control how you're going to behave when you have sex so you're really naked in every way. Feeling like you are valued even in your barest, most unguarded state is what makes intercourse so important to me. Masturbation may feel amazing every single time, you don't get that emotional connection.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

If I understand why I'm not getting any and my partner makes up for it by providing me with love and communication in other ways, makes me feel like I'm valued like I value him, I can manage with just masturbation. The important thing is that I'm not made to feel like I'm wasting my time on someone who's just in it for what he gets out of it.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

Emotional, absolutely. The sexual part is important but for the right man, I can deal with not having much sex. That said, if an asexual man expects me to adapt to his needs, I expect the same back. If I'm going to be making compromises and not have sex when I really want/need it, I expect him every now and then make an effort for my sake and initiate something without making me feel like a rapist or at least seriously up the feel-good couple stuff. A relationship isn't a relationship if only one person is making all the sacrifices and this is true in A-S as well a A-A and S-S relationships.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Nope, for one thing practice makes perfect ;) Secondly, willingness to try his best would make up for a lot.

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

My preference is about twice a week or more in the first few months but later on, who knows? The only really long relationship I've had is with my current, asexual, boyfriend.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

For the rest of my life? Definitely the companionship! Sex takes up what? a couple of hours a week, at best. Companionship matters the rest of the time. That's a lot of time :) It's also more satisfying.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

Not for me. I would much rather have it, certainly, but I can live without it and I have in the past for very long stretches of time (going on 4 years now). I do want children though so I intend to have sex at least a couple more times if only just for that.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

Nope, even among sexuals there are people with stronger or weaker urges. We're not all nymphos you know? My "urges" are strong but not all the time, nor indiscriminately, and my sense of worth or my idea of a good relationship are not tied up to how much sex I get.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thank you for asking these questions!

I realize a lot of asexuals here realized they were asexual (or at least that there was something going on) when they were young, but I didn't come across this until a few years ago. When I was younger, I didn't realize there was anything different about me (besides all the other stuff that makes me a weirdo :)) because I liked guys. I dated guys, but I could only put up with the lovey-dovey stuff for so long before I started pulling away and avoiding it, and sex was always a nightmare. But I've wondered whether my version of "liking a guy" was the same as my friends'. I mean, you can't read other people's minds. I've been wondering what they thought about, and I'm starting to think (especially from reading this) that it was different from what I was thinking about. Of course, I guess I can never know that, even still.

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Thank you for asking these questions!

When I was younger, I didn't realize there was anything different about me (besides all the other stuff that makes me a weirdo :)) because I liked guys.

Very, very much like me :) I must say I've never been able to imagine, how important emotionally sex can be for people.

Reading the posts written by the sexuals here I think that they do not necessarily represent the whole truth about the way sexual people think. I must admit I've never discussed these matters with anyone in real life, but for example on the Net I've encountered some very brutal opinions about sexuality; they're written by Don Juan / Donna Juana types who seem to use other people as some kind masturbation objects <sigh>

Sexual people who write here seem to accept / at least try to accept their partners' asexuality. And not all sexuals are like that.

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loving_partner
Sexual people who write here seem to accept / at least try to accept their partners' asexuality. And not all sexuals are like that.

I think that's a self-selecting group - if we weren't trying to understand and accept our partners, we wouldn't be here in the first place. I think that most sexual people would not accept asexuality or care to understand it.

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MostlyBadFly

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

I usually fantasize about things I haven't done. No matter how enticing a particular sex act is in the beginning, it generally loses a great deal of its luster as soon as I've tried it. Taking this principle to its ultimate conclusion, I may identify as asexual once I'm, oh, 112 years old or so.

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

It depends on why I'm crushing. If it's a purely animal crush--a straightforward hunger, an urge to possess, or be possessed—then yes, almost always. But--and I want to be clear that I say this with no intention of moralizing--I find that's a losing proposition. I never feel as dead, as much like life is devoid of meaning, as I do in the half-hour after I've cum in a woman who never appealed to me for anything but her body. (There's some poetic justice here: I pretended to enjoy talking to a woman who bored me intellectually so she'd let me fuck her, and now that I've fucked her, I'm stuck talking to her with no desire to associate with her on any level.)

Sometimes I crush on a woman without wanting her sexually. For about a year, I worked with a woman who simply made me want to be with her. I was in love with her brain, and her eyes. I was happier to listen to her tell me about video games and anime in her excited, rapid-fire fashion, or to share my smartassed writing and elicit her always-worthwhile laugh, than I would have been to have sex with anyone. The time I spent with her is the main thing that got me thinking I could conceivably be just as happy with an asexual woman as with a sexual one. (There’s a high probability she would have been insulted to know I didn’t lust for her at all. I don’t think of it as an insult.)

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

It depends entirely on the woman. If I was so in love with a woman's brain and words that sex was toward the bottom of my list of reasons for wanting to be with her—or wasn't even on the list, as was the case with the woman I just mentioned—then I wouldn't need intercourse. If I really needed a release, masturbation would be fine.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

I need a release, but it doesn't have to be sex. It can be masturbation. Sometimes before I masturbate I feel I need intercourse (or some other act involving a woman) or I’m going to explode, but as soon as I’ve cum, the desire dissipates.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

The emotional, naturally. Sex can be had without the burdens and compromises that come with a relationship, so I think it’s foolish for even the most hypersexual person to enter a relationship with sex as his primary motive. I’d never have a relationship with a woman I couldn’t converse with.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

Based on my experience with the girl in answer #2, I can say without hesitation that it wouldn't make a difference. Every woman I’ve ever loved, I’ve loved for her intellect. If I can’t converse easily with a woman for hours at a time, but she’s sexually marvelous, I’ll play with her for as long as both of us are enjoying it, but I won’t consider a relationship with her. (I try to do this ethically. Though I stop short of telling her she shortens my lifespan every time she bores me with another story about her friends, I’m at least candid enough to intimate that her body is the main thing I find attractive about her.)

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

So far, I've made a point of not getting in relationships.

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

Companionship.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

No--a mandate of abstinence wouldn't strike me as a sentence of doom. I'd consciously channel my sexual energy into other activities, as I've done sometimes in the past.

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

I'm not sure I understand this question. I hope my answers to the others were helpful, though.

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Hello , I´m a sexual husband and my wife feels that she is an asexual ... I am very new to this site...

Also I know that this is a fairly old post, but, it makes me feel a little better to be here, posting something.

For right now, I fill as if to cry...

Anyway , another few thoughts may fill a blank spot.

1) When you masturbate, do you think more about actually having sex/past experiences, or about some hypothetical sex event?

-Normally I think about past experiences with my wife. Dreaming about hypothetical sexual events seem to make it harder for me to go without sexual relations...

2) When you're crushing on somebody, do you think about doing those things with them?

-Not at first . It seems that for me the deeper into a relationship I get, the more that sex plays a part in my mind.

3) Do you concisely prefer actual intercourse to masturbation? Would you go out of your way based on the likelihood of sex? Is it a factor?

- 100% yes . If my wife were to suggest that I do something that was very distasteful to me, with the promise of mutual sex (not empty "Ok just do it" sex) I would without doubt do it.

4) Do you feel deprived without having sex for x amount of time?

-Yes , its very hard for me to explain but its like this .

3-6 days, I miss sex but I can ignore it ( I think all guys feel this even with sexual wives.).

7-13 days it gets harder. I cant help but to notice when a week has passed and some times dwell on it , I try to turn her on a little more persistently , I try

things that I know have worked in the past , but now just seem to annoy her, (that really hurts) I get a little frustrated.

14 days to 1 month . This is the time when frustration can turn to other nasty feelings such as contempt , betrayal and anger mixed with deep sadness. I want to understand , but too many things are going though my mind , why does the thought of being intimate with me disturb her, does she not love me any more , what did I do , what can I do and why.

1 month and beyond. Until this time I am only thinking about sex with my wife , but now it all changes . the nasty old woman down the street that always smiles and winks at me suddenly seams younger and more attractive. Women that I would never notice or think about are suddenly very exciting and sweet, I start to look at them in an ungentlemanly way . Although I would NEVER betray my wife, I still feel very guilty and dirty about this.

5) Which carries more weight in a relationship - the emotional aspects, or the sexual?

-The emotional aspects carry much more weight.., but, i'm sad to say when sex is not there it can be hard to see much else.

6) If someone who you loved dearly was bad/incapable in bed, would you leave on that basis?

-No, I love my wife very much , I will never leave her.., but, if I knew that it was to be this way, I would not have married her.

All relationships are hard. I feel that the chances of making a relationship work between any 2 persons is very low . How much more so, between 2 people with such different needs?

7) When in a relationship, how often do you have sex?

-our first year was about 1 - 2 times a week , now in our third year it is less than one time a month. But if its fulfilling , if my wife instigates it, and seems to enjoy it, I feel less pressure, or desire for longer periods of time(say every 14 days.).

8 ) If you had to pick only one aspect of a relationship for the rest of your life, would it be the companionship, or the sex?

-I believe that for a sexual person these two things are necessary for each other to exist . They compliment each other .

I also believe that without balance between the two a relationship will be very difficult to sustain. By this I can not choose one over another.

But my actions have already chosen for me . If I love my wife I must choose companionship , for sex is empty with out love.

9) Would it really be that bad never to have sex again? Is that really as unthinkable as people say?

- Yes . Weather you believe in God or evolution, you must see that for this species to have survived for this long the desire for sex is implanted strongly in our makeup and must be VERY difficult to change or resist. it may just be chemicals and hormones but that is what we are, that is our code and what drives us to do and feel most everything .

10) Are your urges such that you would consider there even being any question about it a sign of abnormality?

-I ask myself that several times a year . I do not know , I do not think that my needs or desires are abnormal for a healthy man .

I do however think that my marital situation is abnormal , and I do always worry that I have done something terrible to cause this abnormality , or that my needs will push my wife away

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