What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

[Antithesis]

When someone said "ladies and gentlemen" or "boys and girls" etc., I always wanted to be included in both and neither group simultaneously, from when I was very young. Then when I hit puberty, I had the feeling of knowing that parts of my body weren't "mine" like they had been, because they felt so alien and gross. Now I've got the word "trans" to explain it, but I swear, my partner has never before called me a moron except for when I said "I don't think I'm trans, I just feel like parts of my body aren't really mine." So that's when I started using the trans label, for as long as I can remember I've had the feeling of not belonging to either binary gender, and people recognising me as non-binary or using they/them pronouns makes me smile a bit.

 

Also I once described my breasts as "disgusting fleshy orbs" and my vagina as "the blood hole," and I think that accurately describes my experience of the parts of my body I don't like 😛

[Guest]

I guess I consider my "gender" to be genderless (for now), I am aware I am in a male body but I dont fit the "male" sterotype/description (i dont follow gender norms) , in my opinion being genderless/non binary in a male body is hard because of all the stupid testosterone/ body hair gets me all dystopic, sometimes I wish I was a woman because it is easier/more accpected to be non binary which makes life easier and on the plus side I can express feminineity without looking a complete mess. I have considered being trans but the only problem is I am ugly as hell and I don't pass at at all (no matter what I do), I have taken mediance or  drugs that I brought from the internet and that did not seem to help at all, it hard being a nonbinary ugly ass male, I didn't ask to be born like this but hey what can I do? All I can do is groom/take care of myself with what I have now and one day I might get electrolysis hair removal to at least remove this dumb ass hair and then go from there, sometimes I hate being Male it sucks, it hard to be "genderless/non binary"  worst sex to be born as (just my opinion,sorry) and hard to accpect yourself. Sorry for being negative

[Sol the Mighty]

I have a bit of an odd one, where I feel both male and androgynous at the same time. It's hard to fully articulate, but the best I can describe it is that some days I want to emphasize one over the other, but I mostly just stick to wearing my crew necks and shorts and calling it a day. That feels way more comfortable and right than presenting as a woman.

I tried presenting as more feminine, like wearing v-neck shirts or skirts, and even styling my hair or wearing light makeup. While the compliments on my appearance were appreciated, every time I did that my thought process became "Why did I even do this, I HATE this." In hindsight, that should have been a huge indicator, along with feeling uncomfortable about others calling me a "beautiful young lady," or something similar. Once I got referred to in a masculine way, that changed the game, and began the road to self discovery

[TormentDubz]

I’m more or less a dude but I really don’t care so I just identify as agender (so does my older little sister)

[Guest]

For me right now it's not feeling like my face is mine, feeling dysphoria about my groin, and generally feeling a little disconnected from my body.

 

It's also wanting to date someone attracted to women. 

 

And then there are some woman-to-woman intimacies I want in that. 

 

I saw my face with makeup on it, and it really made me happy, I honestly in that moment felt like I was finally looking at "me"

[uhtred]

I honestly don't know what it "feels" like to be some gender.   I'm male in that I'm biologically male, and I'm happy with that, but beyond being a description of my physiology, it doesn't *mean* anything to me.    If I were magically made biologically female, I would be..female. I wouldn't feel like a man  in a woman's body because I don't "feel" gender in that way.

 

So this is sort of a strange question. When someone feels like their identity doesn't match their gender - can they explain what that means / feels.  I'm not questioning it because it clearly does matter a great deal to some people, it just seems to be something I don't experience at all, yet many other people do.

 

 

[RainySkies221]

I am gender fluid. Most of my life I felt like it was a “Tomboy” and that I wasn’t really feminine. While I do like some things that are ‘feminine’ , there are a ton of ‘masculine’ things I like too.  I never understood why gender was such a big deal in middle school, and hopefully I wasn’t ever inconsiderate to people, but I just didn’t understand why people treated others different based off of gender.

 

And then I started noticing things about myself this year, that I never had. That in rp games (judge me idc) I would play more often as male. That in books I read, I would wish I was a male character. Or just wishing I was more androgynous in general. Or feeling super masculine and non-dysphoric when my mom and sister relied on me to do carry heavy things, or just relying on me in general (I don’t know if this makes sense but it’s the only way I can word it).

 

For something I thought was so simple, it kept me up at night asking myself if I was trans masc, or questioning what I was. It was a thought that rooted into my mind. And when I learned of gender fluidity, everything just clicked for me. 
 

Sadly, my mom wasn’t very understanding of me being gender fluid. Instead, she told me that she also felt masculine, and was also a tomboy at my age. And basically brushing it off as a phase. She only seemed more supportive when I mentioned that I could still have kids. And while I do want at least one kid in the future, it makes me sad she only showed genuine acceptance when I mentioned that. 
 

Anytime I call myself handsome, she just gives me this uncomfortable stare. I love my mom, but it’s so hard sometimes.

 

sorry for the long rant lol

[sturnusvulgaris90]

I call myself nonbinary because it seems to fit the best. I never felt like I was female or male entirely, but I've always leaned more masc. I had top surgery, I was on T for a few months, and I liked those changes, but I didn't want to be seen as fully male. I feel pretty gender neutral, if anything. Being referred to as a female makes me pretty uncomfortable. 

 

But at the same time, I'm not super out about it. Gender is a really personal thing to me, and if I get misgendered by someone I'm unlikely to ever see again, I don't bother correcting them. My state doesn't offer a nonbinary gender designation, so I'll likely never change my gender marker, but I would like to change my legal name to my preferred name. It's a weird middle ground place to be sometimes. 

[Guest Queerdo]

On 7/10/2022 at 1:54 AM, uhtred said:

So this is sort of a strange question. When someone feels like their identity doesn't match their gender - can they explain what that means / feels.  I'm not questioning it because it clearly does matter a great deal to some people, it just seems to be something I don't experience at all, yet many other people do.

 

For me, my nonbinary gender is rather like proof of supermassive black holes (SMBHs). You can't observe an SMBH directly, you can only infer the existence of extremely massive and extremely compact objects from what's happening in the neighborhood. An SMBH is the "best fit" explanation for star orbits, accretion rings, jets, active galaxy cores, and galaxy bubbles. 

 

In a similar way, I can't feel my nonbinary gender as something that exists in my heart or brain. I can only observe that it's a "best fit" explanation for daily experiences of dysphoria and euphoria. Another huge data point there is the fact that gender-affirming HRT works very well for me, even with effects that cis people consider extremely dysphoric for themselves. 

[itsmeelysemarie]

For me it's just endless amounts of confusion. I'm AFAB, but more and more I've had this feeling of not knowing what my gender is or even if I have one.

 

I've tried various labels over the years I ncluding female, male, demigirl, genderfluid, and non-binary, but none of those has been quite right. Honestly, my ideal body would be like Metatron from Dogma - no distinguishing physical features whatsoever as well as a completely androgynous presentation.

 

Tldr; I don't know what I am and I don't think I ever will. 

[Lord Revan]

Gender ? that confusing thing that humans have.

[itsmeelysemarie]

It's like a constant feeling of wanting to be totally genderless and androgynous all at once.

[AavaMeri]

While I (at least for now) identify as a cis woman, sometimes I wonder if some more genderneutral label would be more accurate. I'm that "short hair and pants in formal occasions" type of person (occasional skirt if the weather is hot), and having female expectations forced on me feels just plain stupid. I'm definitely not a male, it just doesn't sound or feel right, but I feel more comfortable in more androgynous appearance, and it's just aesthetically pleasing to me. I kinda like the "woman in a princely outfit" trope.

Sometimes the term "woman" just kinda sounds like extra, like, "I don't really think I need all these DLCs". But on the other hand, I don't mind being referred as a woman, it's something I accept and something that is clear. But sometimes it kinda feels it isn't the exact truth?

I've been suggested to try "demigirl", but the term "demigirl" alienates me due to the "girl" part. Between a woman and a girl, I'm definitely a woman. In my head, girl is someone who is clearly younger or more playful than I am. I may be a "girl" among my family or close friends, but otherwise it doesn't sound correct. Is "demiwoman" a term?

[SilenceRadio]

1 minute ago, AavaMeri said:

Is "demiwoman" a term?

Sure! I've seen people call themselves demiguys and demiwomen.

[AavaMeri]

3 minutes ago, SilenceRadio said:

Sure! I've seen people call themselves demiguys and demiwomen.

Nice to hear! Not sure if that's what I am but still, great to have options.

[Guest]

10 hours ago, AavaMeri said:

Is "demiwoman" a term?

I don't know how many other people identify this way, but it's totally fine if you identify this way! I also was feeling kind of seperated from the "demigirl" label for the same reason, so IDGAF I'm identifying as a demiwoman now.

[Broken Doll]

I don't really know what it's supposed to feel like anymore. But it most definetly feels like a long and tiring journey. 

 

 

[Princess Flufflebutt]

13 minutes ago, Broken Doll said:

I don't really know what it's supposed to feel like anymore. But it most definetly feels like a long and tiring journey. 

 

 

It has been a long and tiring one for me too, but absolutely worth it. And I'm not even nearly done yet! We'll get through this.

[Autumn ace]

It’s not that I feel like I was into the wrong body. If I’d been AMAB, I would probably feel more dysphoria than I do now. But while a lot of me is female, there’s a stubborn part of me that is an exception to that. It’s a noticeable feature, and one that other people notice. 
It feels like part of my body and my head are coming from completely different perspectives when it comes to my gender 

[Guest]

Right now I'm really confused because I definitely want to medically transition but I just don't identify as a woman. I feel rather "nothing" gender wise. I don't know what to thinkg.

[Kimi_gata]

On 5/24/2009 at 8:20 AM, Elliott Ford said:

Right, of course we have the traditional:

"I am a x trapped in the body of a y"

or mine:

"i am a man trapped in a society that assigns gender by body type".

How else can / have you described what it feels like to be trans / genderqueer / genderless?

Or, if you are not trans / genderqueer / genderless, how would you describe knowing that your gender identity does match your body?

Or are you ambivalent about gender?

(this has been heavily edited)

I am cis. I guess you know that your gender identity matches your body if you don’t feel like you belong in a different body/identity? Or other pronouns just don’t feel right. 

[Guest Queerdo]

On 8/16/2022 at 10:18 AM, hois said:

Right now I'm really confused because I definitely want to medically transition but I just don't identify as a woman. I feel rather "nothing" gender wise. I don't know what to thinkg.

I started HRT as a nonbinary person primarily focused on specific body details that gave me dysphoria. I feel the positive effects of HRT strongly confirm that I'm headed in the right direction. You can start low-dose and take your time to decide if it's right for you. For me, I spent years considering low-dose and I'm keeping on a pretty slow track.

[Guest]

On 5/24/2009 at 10:20 AM, Elliott Ford said:

How else can / have you described what it feels like to be trans / genderqueer / genderless?

I want to be a woman, and male puberty changed my body in ways that made me dysphoric. Furthermore, I never really identified as a man, I did adopt a defensive male identity where I tried to protect my being male, but the moment I realized I was transfeminine that adopted identity disipated.

I defitely get dysphoria over my body and any time I'm aware that others see me as male, but the commonly known way of feeling trans, "I'm trapped in the wrong body" never quite described my experience - However, I feel like this body is not one that belongs to me, is not my body, is not correct for who I am. Which is similar. But different. 

[Penn251]

The best way I can describe my gender experience is like the volume sliders in a video game. You know how there are ones for music, voices, sound effects, etc.? Well, all my genders have a slider. And there are tons of sliders, more than I can identify. Some of them move together; I'm never more of a man than a woman or vice versa, for example. Some can go from 0-100%, but others are more limited. I always have many genders active at a time. If they were sound, to extend the analogy, then it would sound like a deafening cacophony every day.

 

To put it more practically, day-to-day I mostly just feel confused by it all. All I know for certain is that I consistently hate being seen as just a man or just a woman, but being seen as nonbinary feels good and right to me. I like it best when people are confused by my gender expression. Most of the time people read me as male, but sometimes I get "ma'am" from behind and I like that. I'd like to be even more confusing for people some day. Being seen as pangender just feels right to me. When it happens, it feels like I'm finally being seen as a full person.

[Mykaizyn]

I honestly don't know. I use nonbinary but genderfluid might be a better descriptor. Though I'm not sure about that either. I'm AFAB and most of the time I'm ok with that, but sometimes (usually when I'm on my period) I get strong bouts of dysphoria. When I'm like that it feels like I'm supposed to be agender.

[Barbio]

I remember a while ago, in response to someone questioning whether or not they were trans, I read a phrase that went something like, "it's not a matter of whether the old shoe fits; it's whether the new shoe fits better". I was thinking more about that phrase earlier today, and I ended up elaborating upon it (as a metaphor for being nonbinary):

 

For as long as you can remember, you've been wearing the same old pair of shoes. They fit just fine and are comfortable enough, but maybe there's just a slight pinch that you feel when you walk in them that you've been ignoring. Then, one day, you decide to try on a new pair of shoes. These new shoes feel a million times more comfortable than your old pair, so you decide to keep them. However, there's a catch: For some silly reason, it's actually illegal to wear these new shoes. Maybe they're not up to consumer code or something. So you hang on to your old pair, but you decide to start wearing the new shoes just around the house and around your friends and family, where you're not likely to get into trouble for them. You love the way they feel when you're wearing them, and your best friends all think that you look pretty darn cute in them. But then you have to go out into public for something... so you begrudgingly put the new shoes away and slip back into your old pair, because you don't want to risk someone seeing you with illegal footwear. Now, suddenly, the old shoes that used to fit you just fine feel like torture on your feet. It's hard to go back after you've experienced true comfort!

 

Then, once you get home, you flip on the news and see once again that the main headlines are about how some people are petitioning to legalize your new shoes, followed by swift push back from other, more powerful people who insist that your shoes are somehow evil and will destroy the fabric of our society if they're legalized. As if having to put the old shoes back on for a day wasn't painful enough, there's also that stigma attached to the new ones that you also have to deal with. 😔

[Mike D]

I am a biologically assigned male but I have no concept of maleness, or of femaleness for that matter.  To me the notion of gender means nothing.  Does that make me agender?  Maybe, but I don't especially care.

The fact that I have certain body parts does not define me.  The fact that I lack certain other body parts also does not define me.  I've never established any specific pronouns myself; people have always called me he /  him so I've always just gone with it.  But if you call me they / them or she / her I won't correct you.

Gender is a social construct*, and an incredibly loose and malleable one at that.  We change it constantly, often from generation to generation.  In the right era and culture a man was expected to wear makeup and silky robes, write sensitive poetry and practice refined calligraphy, and take male lovers.  The modern mainstream definition of manhood rejects all of these things.  Are we right and those other times and cultures were wrong?  The question is meaningless, because there is no right and wrong here.  Gender is whatever we want it to be...whatever you want it to be.

In that spirit, I think people should do whatever they want with their bodies and their gender identity.  Wear dresses, grow a beard, paint your nails, build your muscles, wear high heels...do whatever you want.  Do it all at once!  Life is a coloring book and it's on us to bring the crayons, so you do whatever's right for you.  As far as gender pronouns are concerned, you're using the malleable social construct of language to describe the malleable social construct of gender, so go nuts.

And if in five years what's right for you has changed, that's fine too.  Don't let the labels you slapped on yourself in 2022 limit you in 2027.  (I'm leery of labels for the exact reason that we are all growing and changing all the time...a label that feels like freedom right now might turn into shackles on down the road, as you struggle to fit into a box that no longer suits you.)

* Edit:  See my followup post, below.

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, Mike D said:

Gender is a social construct

Please, please don’t say this. I’ll happily agree that all that you name is attached to gender by society, but gender itself exists also separately from all that. Perhaps you don’t feel it, and i don’t require you to, but it is something that can be recognised, however hard to describe it may be.

 

(But... i did have some time when i thought gender was made up, including when i started identifying as trans. However, it wouldn’t make sense for trans people to exist, would it? And if i could choose whichever gender was more comfortable¹, why would i choose to be a girl, or why would i not stick with my agab to avoid the trouble of transitioning²?)

 

Ok, ok, i admit, i’ve taken one badly chosen word again and turned it into something much bigger.

 

¹ this question takes your assumption that gender is socially constructed, so ‘comfortable’ means something like ‘more privileged’ (or whatevs) rather than ‘aligned with internal feelings’

² otoh, transitioning could be highly simplified if there wasn’t so much socially defined stuff around gender

[Janus the Fox]

Personally separated my identity between 'sex' and 'gender'  where the sex difference is very physically felt, the gender bit is the social and maybe the expression which is also separate, plus the other bits of the gender.

 

Where my sex is female preferred as AMAB

 

Where my Gender is Agender, non-binary and/or female as I remain as male until changes made.

 

The expression very much feminine preferred, until enough investment is made to make that jump to full feminine expression.

My HRT can or could change things over time.

[Mike D]

23 hours ago, sketch of a person said:

Please, please don’t say (that gender is a social construct) 

 

Pardon me if that was an oversimplification.  I do lack a sense of gender outside of the evidence presented by my physical body, so I tend more toward scientific consensus.  And the science does point to differences in the brain structures of trans folk and cis folk:
 

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3109/09540261.2015.1113163

Gender does appear to exist as part of personal identity.  What this means in terms of expression, however, is highly individual, to the point that nobody can define it for anybody else.  If you tell me what gender you are and what pronouns to use I'm always going to comply, regardless of what you look like and how you express.  (And I most definitely vote for candidates and policies that support trans rights.)

What I should say is that the overall societal perception of gender expression is a social construct:  a man is this, a woman is that, Mars and Venus, so on and so forth.  The norms, behaviors, and roles associated the genders as well as their relationships with each other are all part of this.  These definitions vary from society to society (especially before widespread colonialism) and change over time.

However, it is also worth pointing out that the social constructs surrounding gender are every bit as real as money, the law, and government.  These things have profound impacts on all of our lives.  Even if -- and I am saying "if" -- gender had no reality outside of social construction, it would remain an extremely serious issue that extends its tendrils in almost every aspect of human existence.  That makes it real to me under any and all circumstances.  The way I see it, no matter how anyone wants to define it, gender is real and its existence has undeniable consequences for all of us.