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What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless


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I am 29, AMAB, and have only a few weeks ago started to feel a kind clarity around my gender identity.  It has meant that I finally felt like I could open up to some people that are close to me.  I have previously been absorbed by trying to figure out why I feel the way that I do, and I have come to the conclusion that it is futile to try and unravel it all.  It is incredibly complicated, and not all life events are consistently pointing in the same direction.  However, one thing that has not changed for the past twenty years is my instinctive reaction to a specific hypothetical scenario: if I had a button that I could press, and in an instant, my whole life up until that point would have been the same, except I had had the opposite biological sex, I would press it without hesitation.

 

Any doubts I have are on top of that feeling.  They are about the health consequences. About how it would affect the people I care about and how people would treat me.  On top of that, I am very averse to irreversible change in general, especially related to body modifications.  I was also obsessed with trying to lay out exactly what events in my childhood had led to this specific intuition that I have.  Were the intuitions reinforced by society or were they purely internally driven?  Would it make a difference if I found out?  I felt until recently, that until I had figured that out precisely, I could not make any progress.  But I have found relief in accepting that I do not need to know the answers to any of those or related questions.  I do not need a theory that explains myself to me.  There is twenty years worth of data which should be enough for me to know that the instinct persists.  I could probably have done with half, but this is where I am now.

 

I experience a kind of paralysis related to seeing my own body, generally when I am on my own and it comes in waves.  I would describe the sensation as a kind of brain numbness, similar but slightly milder to what I experience after the loss of something precious.  I think it falls under the category of body dysphoria.  When I experience it, I typically just sit in a chair or on the edge of my bed for hours and do nothing, fleetingly contemplating about what it would mean to transition or staring at myself in the mirror until I loose the sense of the extent of my own body.  The dysphoria is sometimes somewhat relieved by "gender affirming behaviour".  I have been incredibly embarrassed about them, though, which means that it has not strictly been a positive experience.  I don't know if they are driven by society and culture—if I only want it because I wish I was female or if I wish I was female because I have those desires.  In any case: I like to wear loose dresses, I like to braid my hair and remove most of the hair on my body, and in general, I enjoy feeling and being pretty.  But I was so scared of revealing this to others.

 

The people I have come out to have almost all been incredibly supportive, though, and I now feel silly that I used to be so scared that people would find out.  I have donated so many pieces of hardly worn clothing to charity because I feared what would happen if I was killed in a traffic accident and my family would have to go through my things.  It is not like I am completely fearlessly expressing myself now, but telling some members of my family about it has lifted a significant burden off my shoulders.

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@Amorphous I'm happy you've been able to come out to some people and they've been supportive 😊 have you met any professionals? That could be a huge help, wether or not you'll transition in one way or another (I'm the best to give an advice since I haven't met any professionals myself lol). Also, don't feel like you had to rush (know/decide everything right now), listen to experiences of different people under the trans umbrella or with a trans past and also trust to yourself. And keep it up!

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@naakka Thanks. 😊 I had some sessions with a therapist a couple of years ago.  It made me feel better about myself in some ways, but I also felt like I couldn't be completely honest, which took me in a direction I didn't really find fruitful, so I decided there were better ways to spend my money.  There's a local trans-group meeting in my city this coming Friday that I intend to go to, though.  Hope I have the nerve to join, when Friday actually comes around!

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On 5/31/2020 at 8:39 AM, Nylocke said:

This is kinda late but someone mentioned national women day to me at a point and I just couldn't relate o-o Like I felt super disconnected

If you're not a woman, there's no reason that you would necessarily feel any personal connection to it.

 

Keep in mind, you can be supportive of a group/identity without belonging to it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/2/2020 at 10:57 PM, Karst said:

If you're not a woman, there's no reason that you would necessarily feel any personal connection to it.

 

Keep in mind, you can be supportive of a group/identity without belonging to it.

Yea, its cool that there's a day to acknowledge but I simply don't feel attached to it

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At the moment, pretty horrible because transition stuff I'm doing for my own mental health is apparently disturbing to my aging parents. And I'm pretty angry regarding that level of estrangement. 

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On 5/25/2009 at 5:38 PM, Elliott Ford said:

i live as male because that's how i feel "at home", pretty much as you've described. Being a boy makes people treat me the way i feel comfortable being treated. It's not all about the body thing :)

My theory is: if society didn't insist on treating as a female on the basis of the shape of my body, living in it would hardly be a problem for me. I think that society's expectations of me have aggravated my body dysphoria and made me hate my body rather than just feel a bit confused and disorientated everytime it does something female-specific.

i can't speak for anyone else, but i wouldn't have such a problem with my breasts if they didn't "make" me female in other people's eyes. I now hate them for doing that, it feels like a betrayal. "Almost every other boy i know doesn't have these and almost every girl i know does..." is the thought that i keep finding in my head and it upsets me. But it really is worse than that that i KNOW that my body is causing the social problems of being treated like i'm in a different category to the one i see myself in - that's what hurts me.

Like i said in my original post, I am a man trapped in a society that assigns gender by body type.

That’s exactly what I feel like.

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ClaryFray1984

I wanted to learn more so I have ordered a book written by a f to m transman to get a better insite. I'm really looking forward to reading it.

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death angel

is wanting to see what its like being the opposite gender strange?

or could it be considered a move towards being trans?

cause i sometimes feel like i want to be something im not

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@deathreaper159 of course no-one but you can answer this question. If not immediately, when time goes by. Anyhow, there's a few points to consider:

- wanting to know what it would be like to be another gender is not necessarily the same as feeling like you were a member of another gender. Do you feel discomfort when you're been seen as a member of your assigned at birth gender?

- even if you felt discomfort due to your gender, is the reason internal or external? External reason would be for example you feeling like there was too much prejudice against members of your gender in the society, and if that was gone, you had no problem with your gender. Internal reason can't be "explained" like that, it's just part of your inner self to feel like another gender. (Note tho: you can have also external reasons for not being comfortable with your gender, and still have the internal reasons that might make you trans. And vice verse, internal reasons you can't explain, might still be explainable but you just don't know enough of yourself yet.)

- also a lot of people identify with something socially or culturally associated with another gender, yet they are not trans. For example, butch lesbians, transvestites, men who use makeup, gender-nonconforming hobbies and interests... consider the difference between expression and gender.

- if your gender does not cause you any struggle on your life, it's probably not worth wondering if you're "moving towards trans", I think. Take one day at a time, and when time passes by you'll learn more about yourself and where your feelings come from.

There's no need to rush any label :)

- last but not least, talk with someone you trust. 

Edited by naakka
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death angel

thank you!

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death angel

i think that society should make one gender which everone is part of, for me all these labels/definitions are confusing, were all just humans

this is all opinion.

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BlakeTheNightowl~
1 hour ago, deathreaper159 said:

i think that society should make one gender which everone is part of, for me all these labels/definitions are confusing, were all just humans

this is all opinion.

Yeah exactly ~!! XD

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ManyThings0
1 hour ago, deathreaper159 said:

i think that society should make one gender which everone is part of, for me all these labels/definitions are confusing, were all just humans

this is all opinion.

Yes!! Thank you!!

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4 hours ago, deathreaper159 said:

i think that society should make one gender which everone is part of, for me all these labels/definitions are confusing, were all just humans

this is all opinion.

I see where you're coming from 😄 but I kinda feel like labels can be great help to find people alike, since everyone does not relate to everyone. Anyhow, as much as it's fine to identify with whatever label you want, it's equally fine to not label oneself at all, if that makes you the happier 😊

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death angel

maybe subgroups of one wider group? the subgroups would be labled

im not sure its stupid to descriminate so i think it would help maybe

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death angel
8 hours ago, deathreaper159 said:

maybe subgroups of one wider group? the subgroups would be labled

im not sure its stupid to descriminate so i think it would help maybe

just as modern mass production requires the standeredization of commodities, so the social process  requires standerdization of man (or other) and this standerdization is called equility

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RosePhoenix
On 5/24/2009 at 11:20 AM, Elliott Ford said:

Or, if you are not trans / genderqueer / genderless, how would you describe knowing that your gender identity does match your body?

Or are you ambivalent about gender?

assumed I was a girl for a long time becuase cisnormativity, when I was questioning my gender it was because I realized I had never done so, and for me I feel pretty indifferent to gender but I know I'm a girl because when I asked my brain if I could be a guy it was a hard flat no instantaneously, and when I asked it if I could be agender or non-binary it paused and thought about it and I did research on those experiences, then it was like yeah no not that either, you're a girl you just don't particularly care that youre a girl or have a strong attachment to being a girl. Its like how my eye color is brown. I don't really think about it or notice it but ya its true, but I also don't care if ppl get it wrong and say they're hazel because they kinda are but not really and it would be amusing to me if someone said they are blue because they are obviously not but who cares?

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On 7/10/2020 at 5:55 PM, RosePhoenix said:

assumed I was a girl for a long time becuase cisnormativity, when I was questioning my gender it was because I realized I had never done so, and for me I feel pretty indifferent to gender but I know I'm a girl because when I asked my brain if I could be a guy it was a hard flat no instantaneously, and when I asked it if I could be agender or non-binary it paused and thought about it and I did research on those experiences, then it was like yeah no not that either, you're a girl you just don't particularly care that youre a girl or have a strong attachment to being a girl. Its like how my eye color is brown. I don't really think about it or notice it but ya its true, but I also don't care if ppl get it wrong and say they're hazel because they kinda are but not really and it would be amusing to me if someone said they are blue because they are obviously not but who cares?

I went trough very similar questioning phase, but instead my brain responded "yes" to the non-binary option, very strongly disagreed with "man" and less strongly disagreed with "woman". Anyhow, I'm quite "passive"/ indifferent with my gender as well. It's a fact I know about myself, but it just doesn't have a huge impact on my life. I don't feel like any person in my life needed to know about it, nor it's a thing I felt like I really needed discuss with anyone who personally knows me.

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On 7/10/2020 at 7:55 AM, RosePhoenix said:

you're a girl you just don't particularly care that youre a girl or have a strong attachment to being a girl. Its like how my eye color is brown. I don't really think about it or notice it but ya its true, but I also don't care if ppl get it wrong and say they're hazel because they kinda are but not really and it would be amusing to me if someone said they are blue because they are obviously not but who cares?

This is me in a nutshell. I'm female, but I don't really care that I am. If someone gets it wrong, that won't bother me either. 

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Ron Thompson

I'm so confused that I have no idea how to unpack my gender identity or what term applies. 

 

I still present as traditional masculine (that was my assigned gender at birth) since it's the easiest. 

 

I sometimes like it when I'm referred to as masculine. But I sometimes hate it when I'm expected to conform to certain expectations of masculinity. At the same time, I also like it when I'm gendered as a woman (which happens on forums a lot,  but not IRL and I wish it did there too sometimes tbh).

 

Sometimes I like having a beard but mostly I hate it and want it gone. But then I don't want to get rid of it permanently either so I can have the option to have one ... I feel the same about my genitalia... They could be any and I wouldn't care .. I'm not particular attached to them.  

 

I have no clue what any of this means .. I've been questioning for a while, but I haven't made a deep dive and am willing to learn to unpack. 

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On 7/18/2020 at 6:38 AM, Ron Thompson said:

I'm so confused that I have no idea how to unpack my gender identity or what term applies. 

 

I still present as traditional masculine (that was my assigned gender at birth) since it's the easiest. 

 

I sometimes like it when I'm referred to as masculine. But I sometimes hate it when I'm expected to conform to certain expectations of masculinity. At the same time, I also like it when I'm gendered as a woman (which happens on forums a lot,  but not IRL and I wish it did there too sometimes tbh).

 

Sometimes I like having a beard but mostly I hate it and want it gone. But then I don't want to get rid of it permanently either so I can have the option to have one ... I feel the same about my genitalia... They could be any and I wouldn't care .. I'm not particular attached to them.  

 

I have no clue what any of this means .. I've been questioning for a while, but I haven't made a deep dive and am willing to learn to unpack. 

There's a lot of identities that might apply to you.

First, there are plenty of men out there who don't like the constraints of "traditional" masculinity.

You can have issues with the cultural expectations for a gender and still identify as same.

Second, there are a lot of non-binary subtypes that you might fit into.  Take a look at some articles/videos about those and see if anything just... feels right.

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On 5/24/2009 at 3:20 PM, Elliott Ford said:

Right, of course we have the traditional:

"I am a x trapped in the body of a y"

or mine:

"i am a man trapped in a society that assigns gender by body type".

How else can / have you described what it feels like to be trans / genderqueer / genderless?

Or, if you are not trans / genderqueer / genderless, how would you describe knowing that your gender identity does match your body?

Or are you ambivalent about gender?

(this has been heavily edited)

I've always described it like this;

 

Being trans is like living in a foreign country where you don't speak the language and you don't know the local customs, and somehow you just can't learn them no matter how long you stay there.  You feel always like an outsider, like you don't belong, you can't communicate properly and no-one understand you because they all assume you're a native. Finding out that your trans is like finding out where you really come from, and transitioning is the journey back home to where you belong.

 

I'm home now.

 

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I've been questioning lately, I'm a MAAB and have been comfortable with that but I've also been very into presenting/expressing in a gender nonconforming/androgynous manner that when I don't get to express that I get depressed even though I don't have my birth gender.

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I've been questioning, but this thread has helped a lot. Astryda on the first page, which at the time I started didn't realize was quite so far back, said something that really resonated with me. 

  

On 5/25/2009 at 10:50 AM, Astryda said:

How is it like? Hard to say. It's like you were something that doesn't have gender at all (like water or air, or fire) and put in something that has a shape of a female (for example).

My body doesn't match my gender, but I can't say it's very disturbing. It just sort of 'is'. Like a water in a glass- glass is different to water, it's only something that gives it a shape.

I kind of stumbled on the idea that I don't feel like gender really makes up any part of me. Like if I was made of a bunch of puzzle pieces none of them would be labeled "male" or "female". But I also struggled with the idea of that being enough to make me agender. I'm a white/cis/male so is it just me being privileged enough not to feel yoked by my gender? I...well I still don't know for sure.

But I definitely feel like I just sort of am, like Astryda is talking about. Like I exist, and just happen to have masculine features and grow beards, and what not. But that just happens to be the shape, or the container, for my Self and doesn't really matter all that much. 

I'm not sure what to do with this information now though. I'm not sure what impact it has on my life. I feel like for every one step I take forward I take two backwards. 

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8 hours ago, ksmith said:

I've been questioning, but this thread has helped a lot. Astryda on the first page, which at the time I started didn't realize was quite so far back, said something that really resonated with me. 

  

I kind of stumbled on the idea that I don't feel like gender really makes up any part of me. Like if I was made of a bunch of puzzle pieces none of them would be labeled "male" or "female". But I also struggled with the idea of that being enough to make me agender. I'm a white/cis/male so is it just me being privileged enough not to feel yoked by my gender? I...well I still don't know for sure.

But I definitely feel like I just sort of am, like Astryda is talking about. Like I exist, and just happen to have masculine features and grow beards, and what not. But that just happens to be the shape, or the container, for my Self and doesn't really matter all that much. 

I'm not sure what to do with this information now though. I'm not sure what impact it has on my life. I feel like for every one step I take forward I take two backwards. 

Do you wish to change that shape? I mean, there's nothing you "need" to do, if you don't. I always say that gender has less meaning to me on practice than my romantic&sexual orientation has. It's just a fact about me, just like the color of my eyes or how tall I am. I pretty much blend in with the binary people, and I prefer that. So I'm not very eager/ comfortable even to come out about my gender to anyone irl. While I wish I'd find the courage to do so with my aroaceness, since it has an impact on how people perceive me.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ohhh shape.... that reminds me of a poem I wrote about transition, a few years ago.

 

Quote

 

THE CARPENTER


I was… 
…nine years old, watching my father in his shed, sawing, sanding, carving, polishing
… in awe of the magic that turned a simple lump of wood into something new
… wondering how amazing it would be if I could do the same to myself
I was… sad, because I was not a piece of wood

 

I am… 
…not angry, just tired of trying to make myself fit where I don’t belong
… a wooden peg, square, in a round hole, my corners jammed in, trapped and bruised
… holding a chisel in one hand and sandpaper in the other, the tools with which I make my transformation
I am… a carpenter of my own future

 

I will… 
…not be afraid, because fear is the prison that shaped me and my shape does not belong to me
… not let you, or anyone else, force me any more to be square because it’s not your corners that are hurting
… saw and sand and carve and polish until I fit where I belong
I will… be careful, I promise

 

I can… 
…feel now, that my labour is nearly done, corners are gone and the wood of my shape is almost smooth
… smell that fresh scent of new sawdust that even an old plank still has
… almost fit into that round hole now, settling in and letting myself feel how remarkable it is to not hurt any more
I can… because I am the carpenter of my own future

 


 

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It's hard for me to describe what it feels like to be agender (or genderless, both those terms are good for me right now) because for the longest time I didn't think about my gender and generally ignored that part of me. After ignoring/repressing those feelings for so long, which I think was for self-preservation, I'm just now starting to unpack my feelings to figure out what being nonbinary/agender feels like to me. I think something that's made this process hard is trying to disentangle what feelings are gender dysphoria masquerading as something else. 

 

Anyone else in a similar situation/been through this before? 

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4 hours ago, Rainy_Robin said:

It's hard for me to describe what it feels like to be agender (or genderless, both those terms are good for me right now) because for the longest time I didn't think about my gender and generally ignored that part of me. After ignoring/repressing those feelings for so long, which I think was for self-preservation, I'm just now starting to unpack my feelings to figure out what being nonbinary/agender feels like to me. I think something that's made this process hard is trying to disentangle what feelings are gender dysphoria masquerading as something else. 

 

Anyone else in a similar situation/been through this before? 

My experiences haven't been exactly the same, but I can understand where you're coming from.

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