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What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless


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Celyn: The Lutening
4 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

My mother and sister are both going out with respective friends tonight, and I'm staying home with my brother and father, so I absent-mindedly thought there were only guys home... then I stopped and smiled at myself for being wrong but in a way I liked. :3

I thought, '' I basically misgendered myself the wrong way around'' ^^' 

It felt great somehow, like a confirmation. 

Yeah I do this a lot. I have so much doubt that I'm not just binary male, I think I might be but even if I am I don't want a typical "male" hairy, dangly-genitalled body. Go figure.

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1 minute ago, Celyn said:

Yeah I do this a lot. I have so much doubt that I'm not just binary male, I think I might be but even if I am I don't want a typical "male" hairy, dangly-genitalled body. Go figure.

Hehe, not sure what being a binary male even is ^^'

Everything I read about gender felt to me like it was either personality or stereotypes... mostly stereotypes... I didn't relate to any of it at all... 

So I guess the concept is irrelevant to me... or would be if not for dysphoria. I'm agender. Am I? Sounds good if I say it. I'm not a guy - sounds good too. I'm not a girl. Feels even better. And, hell, I just don't want to fit in any category people made based on genitalia, I don't like those in the first place. I don't want a gender. 

Okay, I'm agender. It feels good, I'll just go with it. 

That's how I decided I knew. (Confusion always loved my company though, so it may come back anytime~) 

 

This post feels a bit inarticulate. To put it in a clear sentence, gender is nothing but a hindrance to me so I decided to just go away from it. It's what feels right. Your gender should be something that feels right. What makes you feel right? 

The moment I grouped myself with the boys was probably more of a self-joke about how traditionally boyish I am than anything; I'm pretty sure I'm not a boy because it doesn't feel as right as agender. 

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Celyn: The Lutening
44 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

I'm pretty sure I'm not a boy because it doesn't feel as right as agender. 

You're more articulate than you think, because that helped my understanding! Boy feels more right than agender, but I relate to agender a bit.

Maybe back to good o'l demiboy? I just didn't like the way that implies partly another gender, though maybe that other part is agender.

But "Guy-ish but partly a nonbinary gender" is what novarian means so I guess that is sticking.

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That's a good thing ^^'

I'm understanding from this that you feel somewhere between male and neutral. Just saying, that doesn't have to be a specific place. Do we really need a label for each position on the spectrum, like 30% agender and 70% male? 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Sometimes I'm full on male, sometimes I'm nothing, most of the time I'm ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Custard Cream
2 hours ago, Celyn said:

Yeah I do this a lot. I have so much doubt that I'm not just binary male, I think I might be but even if I am I don't want a typical "male" hairy, dangly-genitalled body. Go figure.

I think I prefer that version of male to the hairy dangly-genitalled one.

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Celyn: The Lutening
9 minutes ago, CustardCream said:

I think I prefer that version of male to the hairy dangly-genitalled one.

I FEEL SO VALIDATED AND SEEN, THANK YOU BISCUIT MOTHER.

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Custard Cream
59 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

That's a good thing ^^'

I'm understanding from this that you feel somewhere between male and neutral. Just saying, that doesn't have to be a specific place. Do we really need a label for each position on the spectrum, like 30% agender and 70% male? 

I would actually quite like an easy reference for this.  I have no idea how to explain where I sit at any given time. I'm totally confused by all the terms... wish I could find a chart of how genderflux people can explain their current position...

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Celyn: The Lutening
Just now, CustardCream said:

I would actually quite like an easy reference for this.  I have no idea how to explain where I sit at any given time. I'm totally confused by all the terms... wish I could find a chart of how genderflux people can explain their current position...

I've seen the "gender unicorn" which has sliders for how male and female you feel, so anything up to 200%. Like right now I'd be 80% male 0% female. It also has femme and masc sliders for presentation, and for body (though I wasn't super clear on if that was your body now or the way you'd like it to be).

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ElasticPlanet
1 hour ago, PoeciMeta said:

Do we really need a label for each position on the spectrum, like 30% agender and 70% male?

Do percentages even work for you? I wish it were that easy... I mean socially I'm 0% female, 0% male, 100% agender, but in terms of ideal body and presentation, I'm maybe femme-ish but but basically all over the place and not at all sure of myself!

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1 hour ago, ElasticPlanet said:

Do percentages even work for you? I wish it were that easy... I mean socially I'm 0% female, 0% male, 100% agender, but in terms of ideal body and presentation, I'm maybe femme-ish but but basically all over the place and not at all sure of myself!

Nah, not really... '-' 

I was speaking only of internal feeling... since many people can place themselves somewhere on the gender spectrum (with the two binary genders at each end)... of course, not all do, sometimes a single axis is insufficient (and in my particular case I think and hope there's nothing at all, 0% of everything) but it's still useful for people who feel somewhere between male and female (as an identity, so what you feel inside I suppose)... technically, there's an infinite number of positions on that male--female spectrum. It can be good to narrow it down, like, for example ''pretty close to agender but leaning towards feminine'' or ''fluctuating between male and demiboy'', but it doesn't have to be absolute... I don't know how to explain it actually, because I don't feel and comprehend gender itself but I just hoped it was helpful to say that if one doesn't feel just like one of the many named genders available right now, but are somewhere else on the spectrum, then, well, that's okay? And labels can be hard to navigate, so a scale, double scale, triple scale can help too... 

 

A triangular scale could be good enough... is there one already for gender? If not, that would surprise me. One angle would be ''being completely 100% male'', another ''being 100% female'' and the third ''lacking gender altogether''. I like it better than just a spectrum because it differentiates agender from a neutral gender. Most people can position themselves on this scale, even vaguely, no? Again, only for identity or inner feeling. Then you can take another scale for presentation, another for ideal body and another for sense of belonging or kinship (for example, I feel more at ease with females because I know them more, having been included with them all my life, for better or worse...) Do you think that could work? Somehow? 

Sorry, gender is too confusing, as an aspiring scientist I can't help but try to find ways to quantify it ^^'

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 hour ago, CustardCream said:

I would actually quite like an easy reference for this.  I have no idea how to explain where I sit at any given time. I'm totally confused by all the terms... wish I could find a chart of how genderflux people can explain their current position...

I've used a tachometer before; under idling is female, over redline is male ;) 

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Custard Cream
7 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I've used a tachometer before; under idling is female, over redline is male ;) 

I like that! 

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Calligraphette_Coe

Today is one of those days that reminds me how hard it is  to take being trans can sometimes be. Because I'm perpetually alone, I have to pay someone to take me to an oral surgeon for some nasty work that I'm going to be awake for. Having no one because of the trans thing is usually something you learn to accept. It's just that sometimes, you need someone you're close to to lean on and hug you if you need it when your anxiety goes through the roof. Someone other than Prince Valium....

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@Calligraphette_Coe If I may? *hug*

 

I hope that everything with the oral surgeon goes well. 

 

24 minutes ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

you need someone you're close to to lean on and hug you if you need it when your anxiety goes through the roof.

So true... :( 

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So I was going to be hospitalised for mental health stuff, and I had the vague hope of being able to speak up about my dysphoria and maybe even get the diagnosis I need for surgery. But of course, since I'm under 23 (!), I would have to be hospitalised with the teenagers and have mandatory activities... including balneotherapy. Meaning: swimming pools, hell no. 

To put it mildly, I expressed my dissatisfaction regarding this particular activity being mandatory. I was then told that the therapy included working towards acceptance of one's body. 

... 

Okay, bye.

 

(To clarify, I did put it really mildly. I was in fact vigorously and persistently protesting against balneotherapy and my parents tried to force me to accept it, which won't happen; and the person I was meeting with didn't seem willing to make a compromise. Otherwise I wouldn't have thought of that answer as being inappropriate, of course not. Even then it isn't bad, it just made me lose all hope in everything.) 

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Celyn: The Lutening

@PoeciMeta That. Is. Awful. Is there no way that you can get out of it by explaining why "accepting your body" isn't really going to happen anytime soon?

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On 5/21/2019 at 9:25 PM, Celyn said:

@PoeciMeta That. Is. Awful. Is there no way that you can get out of it by explaining why "accepting your body" isn't really going to happen anytime soon?

I'll talk to my psychiatrist, but I don't know how, I'm not ready to just spell it out and if I don't I fear not much can be done...

This is frightening tbh... 

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm so sorry @PoeciMeta. They can't fucking force you to do that, that has to be illegal.

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45 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I'm so sorry @PoeciMeta. They can't fucking force you to do that, that has to be illegal.

But I'm a minor. If I am hospitalised there (which I can refuse, but I don't have much of a choice) they said I would have to, full stop. It's part of the therapy. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
33 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

But I'm a minor. If I am hospitalised there (which I can refuse, but I don't have much of a choice) they said I would have to, full stop. It's part of the therapy. 

Therapy shouldn't be making you feel worse, that's fucking insane. They're supposed to be helping you, and if they aren't... Fuck this makes me so angry. I don't know your issues and I won't ask, but you seem competent enough to me to decide what you need.

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@Anthracite_Impreza Well it looks like right now my biggest issue is dysphoria > <

I guess the body acceptance philosophy is not a bad thing, they have a lot of anorexic kids after all, but this just isn't the same thing... 

You're right. Thanks. I won't accept this and they can't force me into it '-' 

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@PoeciMeta That does sound pretty awful to be honest. Treatment shouldn’t make things worse. Sounds like one of those conversion camps.

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1 minute ago, ColeHW said:

@PoeciMeta That does sound pretty awful to be honest. Treatment shouldn’t make things worse. Sounds like one of those conversion camps.

Conversion camp?! Oh no... I know it isn't one but initially I was planning to talk about dysphoria stuff, now I'm afraid the reactions might be worse than expected... they might try to, ahem, treat it... 😨

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Anthracite_Impreza

@PoeciMeta, if they're making you scared you need to tell someone on the outside. I've read far too many horror stories from these places and this is ringing alarms. They cannot threaten to force you to do their activities, all they can do is keep you there and stop you hurting yourself.

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I also agree telling someone and doing what you think would help minimize dysphoria. 

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*gulp* Well that sure is reassuring... 

Guess I now have an excuse for keeping my phone hidden somewhere... 

Thanks for the advice... 

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Honestly if I made my own therapy for anyone. I’d avoid swimming or massive crowds. So instead I’d invite them to book stores, small town farmer’s markets, mediation, or to reserved parts of symphony/concerts. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

If I made my own therapy I'd put their welfare first.

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Celyn: The Lutening
9 hours ago, ColeHW said:

Honestly if I made my own therapy for anyone. I’d avoid swimming or massive crowds. So instead I’d invite them to book stores, small town farmer’s markets, mediation, or to reserved parts of symphony/concerts. 

Dang I could have done with that type of therapy in high school, please study psychiatry and make this happen.

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