What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

[Reidge]

I'm a person trapped in a society that assumes everyone has a gender, and that that gender is the same as their sex assigned at birth. I just want to chill and be me, and not have to conform to society's expectations of me because of what I have in my pants. And when I'm alone, like now, I can do that. When I'm with people, not so much. People make me nervous anyways.

[Guest]

@Reidge I hear ya. Being able to just be myself is of the utmost importance to me. It's awesome when I'm on my own because no one is making a big deal of my supposed gender. Being around most other people, at least most people in my life, makes me uncomfortable. Somehow my birth gender gets continually brought up, even if it has nothing to do the the topic at hand.

 

People make me uncomfortable too. Exhausted as well...  

[Strawberry ice cream]

If I told someone how I really feel about my gender they would judge me as a complete fool...with people I must play that role of "woman" even if I'm sure I play it damn badly. But my real ME is always so boyish. 

[Guest]

@Strawberry ice cream Me too...  *hug*

[Strawberry ice cream]

I'm continually switching between my two ME. My real boyish me is always here. That is what I'm. My most comfortable ME. But then there is still me as bio woman. I look like woman, people know me as woman....I must act like woman (or try to). But I don' want to change my gender physically in reality. I don't want to be male. I just need to be a lot of my own. Alone. Because playing of woman role just drains me so much. 

[amy88]

I think society is sexist and gender is BS, I think men and women are exactly the same emotionally and intellectually and sexually and it's only that our bits that might sometimes be different, if you don't like your body parts you can change them/change them back/ get rid of them entirely and there's no shame in that, just like getting a boob job. I think it's just abusive sexist toxic people that teach what gender is supposed to be like.

 

I don't care if you are a boy/girl/both/neither/elf.

I don't care if you want a label, need a label or don't.

 

Everyone should do what they want. 

 

You aren't hurting anyone, stuff idiot people who say anything different.

[Mxterna]

For me, I'm nonbinary, still questioning any more specifics than that. I feel conflicted because femme resonates with me, and I'm afab, but if I feel more like a femme boy than a femme woman. If I had to choose a place on a gender spectrum, it would be right around the middle. I still wear dresses and makeup, so people read me as a woman which is frustrating. I get a lot of comments when I ask people to use gender neutral pronouns. I don't want to give up all my awesome femininity to be taken seriously as a non binary person. Ugh. I'm tired. Much love to all people feeling lost in the gender world right now or frustrated navigating it within such a restrictive society, I am with you.

[Katie15]

On 5/26/2009 at 1:38 AM, Elliott Ford said:

 

My theory is: if society didn't insist on treating as a female on the basis of the shape of my body, living in it would hardly be a problem for me. I think that society's expectations of me have aggravated my body dysphoria and made me hate my body rather than just feel a bit confused and disorientated everytime it does something female-specific.

i can't speak for anyone else, but i wouldn't have such a problem with my breasts if they didn't "make" me female in other people's eyes. I now hate them for doing that, it feels like a betrayal. 

I honestly don’t know if this is how I feel or if I feel the complete opposite. I hate my body. I want to be androgynous. But my body is technically a female. As well as feeling agender and asexual and my body betraying me by not presenting that way, I also feel great distress because of the way I feel about my body and the literal amount of space it takes up (I’m trying not to say something unhelpfu but hopefully I’m making sense), and because this is so closely connected to the gendered shape of my body, I have no idea what causes what and what dysphoria came first. All I know is that I wish I didn’t have a body. And if I had to have one it definitely wouldn’t be the one I currently have. 

And this makes me distressed, but there’s only so much I can do about it (very little really). 

Does anyone feel like this or am I just not making any sense at all? 

Sorry for the rant. 

[Neutral nerd]

13 hours ago, Katie15 said:

if I had to have one it definitely wouldn’t be the one I currently have. 

thats me. if i had a superpower, it would be to change my form at will.

[Brie Buermais]

On 5/28/2009 at 3:37 PM, Sabriel said:

That was a brilliant, brilliant explanation, thanks for sharing that.

I'm very confused about my gender, but I've sort of come to the conclusion that it doesn't really apply to me. I am who I am; my body is female shaped, and I don't have any great problems with that. Sometimes I wish I didn't have breats, but for me that's a similar feeling to how sometimes I wish my hair was a different colour, or that I could have a thinner face. The problems I get when thinking about my gender are more about the stereotypes society gives for gender roles, but really if I want to ignore them then I do. I don't feel I'm being less 'feminine' if I wear jeans and t-shirts, or have a good time watching sport - I just feel like I'm being more 'me'. ^_^

This feels pretty accurate to my situation but I’m not sure how to describe myself gender wise.... I guess I’m used to being “female” so anything other than that seems a little intimidating. But the whole idea of sometimes wishing I didn’t have a chest but it not being a huge deal really hit close to home for me. I’m pretty cool with whatever pronouns people choose to use for me and Normally I try to avoid gender in general when thinking about myself because it makes me panic slightly.... I’m not sure what  I’d be. If anyone can help out I’d appreciate it a lot! Have a nice day/evening 

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On 11/1/2018 at 7:09 PM, Katie15 said:

I honestly don’t know if this is how I feel or if I feel the complete opposite. I hate my body. I want to be androgynous. But my body is technically a female. As well as feeling agender and asexual and my body betraying me by not presenting that way, I also feel great distress because of the way I feel about my body and the literal amount of space it takes up (I’m trying not to say something unhelpfu but hopefully I’m making sense), and because this is so closely connected to the gendered shape of my body, I have no idea what causes what and what dysphoria came first. All I know is that I wish I didn’t have a body. And if I had to have one it definitely wouldn’t be the one I currently have. 

And this makes me distressed, but there’s only so much I can do about it (very little really). 

Does anyone feel like this or am I just not making any sense at all? 

Sorry for the rant. 

And then there are people and/or psychologists that say they can cure this without hormones or surgery or changing anything-- that they can make your feelings and mind align again with your biological sex?

 

We know that's not true, because then we could no longer be ourselves. I recently read something by noted neuroscientist Ramachandra, who asked patients if there were a way to do that, would you take the cure? He reported that everyone says no, that is almost like losing the love of your life-- would you want to be able to forget that love?

 

It's not that we love dysphoria, it's just that it can't be disremembered or 'cured' by our being told it's a delusion. Because It_Just_Doesn't_Work_That_Way!

 

I'm never going to be able to do better than Androgyny, but it is the closest thing to a cure because it takes a little of the pain away. And it keeps me off the radar at least a little.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

On 11/1/2018 at 11:09 PM, Katie15 said:

I hate my body. I want to be androgynous. But my body is technically a female. As well as feeling agender and asexual and my body betraying me by not presenting that way, I also feel great distress because of the way I feel about my body and the literal amount of space it takes up (I’m trying not to say something unhelpfu but hopefully I’m making sense), and because this is so closely connected to the gendered shape of my body, I have no idea what causes what and what dysphoria came first. All I know is that I wish I didn’t have a body. And if I had to have one it definitely wouldn’t be the one I currently have. 

I feel this so much.

[Strawberry ice cream]

My lifetime problem is WHAT to wear. I hate too feminine clothes like skirts or dresses, bras....I would never dress a skirt!  But I can't wear masculine clothes bcs it's just not me either. I don't want to look like a man. I'm not man! So it always ends up self questioning WHO I am. I often feel like some hybrid with female body and neutral mind drifting towards very boyish set up. 

[Carrotsandcucumbers]

I identify as male the most, for some reasons. I often I wish I was born a male. I felt very nervous when it comes to gender. I hate it when people say "Are you a boy or a girl?". It makes me happy when most cis people accept me as a real man and a heterosexual (I'm asexual) person. 

 

[thenorm13]

Hoping to gain some understanding on myself. I am biologically a female. Never had a problem or felt uncomfortable being seen as female (other than wearing extremely feminine clothes, which I am becoming more comfortable with dresses). I know inside I am a girl, but there are uncomfortable moments or even days. I did, and still do, get a little defensive when someone see's me or treats me as exclusively female. On the other hand, I always felt I had a boy side to me. Specifically my mind-set to certain things, and interest is what stood out to me. People would jokingly say how I act like a boy, or how I look like a boy sometimes, and it oddly made me feel comfortable. Growing up, not only did I like to play with the boys, but I always felt comfortable in "boy" clothes. Now older, I do try to dress more androgynous. Overall, I don't look like most the non-binary, gender fluid individuals. I know that has little to do with it, so I guess what I am asking is for a better understanding of being gender fluid/ non-binary. Maybe some other experiences. 

thank you for hearing me out.

[General]

I consider myself nonbinary, neither man or woman in my case.  I was born female and I'm uncomfortable with my anatomy.  The main secondary sexual characteristics are what bother me the most.  I don't have any use for a female chest, curves, or reproductive cycle.  I'd much rather have my pre-puberty body instead.

 

Some people want to lump me into the same category as transgender individuals.  I am definitely not trans.  Even though my body doesn't match my brain and I experience dysphoria, I am still not transgender.  I am not in the wrong body entirely, I am in the wrong version of my body.  For me personally, any medical assistance I may receive in the future such as top surgery and temporary low dose testosterone is  strictly cosmetic and not transition related.  My goal is to roll back the clock on puberty, but also enhance the natural "masculine" attributes I already possess at the same time.

 

I do not feel that I fit the definition of transgender.  I don't want to change my name, pronouns, gender marker, or any legal documentation.  I don't want to be viewed as male by the whole of society.  I am also not "transmasculine," because I do not believe I have to be trans in order to be masculine.  I was masculine as a child before I knew anything about identity.  In my view, I was born nonbinary.  People were too ignorant at the time to know that gender/sex aren't binary.

 

My dysphoria stems from a few things.  First, I don't feel that my body accurately reflects my gender.  And second, people think they can treat me differently/poorly based on my anatomy.

 

I'd be interested to know if anyone else can relate. 

[Strawberry ice cream]

On 11/22/2018 at 7:58 PM, AceOfHearts_85 said:

I consider myself nonbinary, neither man or woman in my case.  I was born female and I'm uncomfortable with my anatomy.  The main secondary sexual characteristics are what bother me the most.  I don't have any use for a female chest, curves, or reproductive cycle.  I'd much rather have my pre-puberty body instead.

 

Some people want to lump me into the same category as transgender individuals.  I am definitely not trans.  Even though my body doesn't match my brain and I experience dysphoria, I am still not transgender.  I am not in the wrong body entirely, I am in the wrong version of my body.  For me personally, any medical assistance I may receive in the future such as top surgery and temporary low dose testosterone is  strictly cosmetic and not transition related.  My goal is to roll back the clock on puberty, but also enhance the natural "masculine" attributes I already possess at the same time.

 

I do not feel that I fit the definition of transgender.  I don't want to change my name, pronouns, gender marker, or any legal documentation.  I don't want to be viewed as male by the whole of society.  I am also not "transmasculine," because I do not believe I have to be trans in order to be masculine.  I was masculine as a child before I knew anything about identity.  In my view, I was born nonbinary.  People were too ignorant at the time to know that gender/sex aren't binary.

 

My dysphoria stems from a few things.  First, I don't feel that my body accurately reflects my gender.  And second, people think they can treat me differently/poorly based on my anatomy.

 

I'd be interested to know if anyone else can relate. 

I relate so much. Very good written. That's exactly what I feel.  I think that the whole gender thing is too simplified. There are more possibilities than man/woman. 

[Neutral nerd]

@AceOfHearts_85  I definitely relate, a prepubertal body would be so much more comfortable and i want to be masculine but not male acting. Low key masculine feels neutral to me. I hate how everything is confined to a binary, so people either are powerless or jerks. Maybe have... confident and capable people who still act decently? I wish that were the norm. 

I don't really identify with your take on not being trans as much, but I can understand what your point is. I think for me I use the label because other people who use it share the experience I'm living. Using it isn't necessary though. 

[General]

6 hours ago, Neutral nerd said:

@AceOfHearts_85  I definitely relate, a prepubertal body would be so much more comfortable and i want to be masculine but not male acting. Low key masculine feels neutral to me. I hate how everything is confined to a binary, so people either are powerless or jerks. Maybe have... confident and capable people who still act decently? I wish that were the norm. 

I don't really identify with your take on not being trans as much, but I can understand what your point is. I think for me I use the label because other people who use it share the experience I'm living. Using it isn't necessary though. 

Thank you for replying.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks a prepubescent body would be more comfortable.  Puberty is rough.

 

On a side note, it's difficult to explain the non-trans nonbinary narrative to others because many people think if you're not cis then you must be trans, and that simply isn't the case.  For me personally, I'm not trying to change my sex.  I simply want my female body to look how I think it should look.  It's similar to when some people get plastic surgery to fix what they don't like.  If a woman thinks her boobs are too small she gets implants.  Well, I want to do the opposite.  See what I mean?

 

I also don't like people being able to identify my sex by looking at my clothed body.  Boobs are a dead giveaway, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.  People have straight up stared right at my chest in order to determine what I am.  I wanted to disappear in those moments.  I'm not even very large chested but I have enough to see if people look hard enough.  Binders can only do so much.  Dysphoria sucks.

[General]

7 hours ago, Strawberry ice cream said:

I relate so much. Very good written. That's exactly what I feel.  I think that the whole gender thing is too simplified. There are more possibilities than man/woman. 

Thank you.  I'm glad others out there can identify.  I completely agree.  There are most definitely more genders than just man and woman. 👍

[Guest]

1 hour ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

Thank you for replying.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks a prepubescent body would be more comfortable.  Puberty is rough.

 

On a side note, it's difficult to explain the non-trans nonbinary narrative to others because many people think if you're not cis then you must be trans, and that simply isn't the case.  For me personally, I'm not trying to change my sex.  I simply want my female body to look how I think it should look.  It's similar to when some people get plastic surgery to fix what they don't like.  If a woman thinks her boobs are too small she gets implants.  Well, I want to do the opposite.  See what I mean?

 

I also don't like people being able to identify my sex by looking at my clothed body.  Boobs are a dead giveaway, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.  People have straight up stared right at my chest in order to determine what I am.  I wanted to disappear in those moments.  I'm not even very large chested but I have enough to see if people look hard enough.  Binders can only do so much.  Dysphoria sucks.

👏👏👏

[Strawberry ice cream]

16 hours ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

 

I also don't like people being able to identify my sex by looking at my clothed body.  Boobs are a dead giveaway, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.  People have straight up stared right at my chest in order to determine what I am.  I wanted to disappear in those moments.  I'm not even very large chested but I have enough to see if people look hard enough.  Binders can only do so much.  Dysphoria sucks.

So that's why I don't like summer. I hate bras I really can't stand it. I have small boobs so I can wear only simple Tshirt. But still....I feel so uncomfortable. Like naked. Like I'm revealing something.. I love when colders days come and I put a sweatshirt or jacket. I feel more safe..more me. And my wardrobe is definitely gender neutral. 

[General]

4 minutes ago, Strawberry ice cream said:

So that's why I don't like summer. I hate bras I really can't stand it. I have small boobs so I can wear only simple Tshirt. But still....I feel so uncomfortable. Like naked. Like I'm revealing something.. I love when colders days come and I put a sweatshirt or jacket. I feel more safe..more me. And my wardrobe is definitely gender neutral. 

I'm so glad winter is finally here.  Well....California winter for me that is.  I get to wear layers again.

 

And yes, I know what you mean about feeling naked.  I could never wear any form fitting clothes.  My pants are always baggy as well as everything else.  I don't know how anyone wears skinny jeans.  The thought of someone seeing the shape of my body makes me want to crawl out of my skin. *internally screaming*

[Strawberry ice cream]

2 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

I'm so glad winter is finally here.  Well....California winter for me that is.  I get to wear layers again.

 

And yes, I know what you mean about feeling naked.  I could never wear any form fitting clothes.  My pants are always baggy as well as everything else.  I don't know how anyone wears skinny jeans.  The thought of someone seeing the shape of my body makes me want to crawl out of my skin. *internally screaming*

Definitely. I would die in anything skinny. Although my body shape is not bad and if I wanted I could put sexy skinny jeans 😀 . But my asexual boyish teenage brain refuse such clothes. 

[Sherlocks]

Well I often forget I have a gender. I don't judge most people on gender anyways. 

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

On 11/25/2018 at 8:13 PM, Sherlocks said:

Well I often forget I have a gender. I don't judge most people on gender anyways. 

Same here. I see 'person' for myself. When I was young my mother kept telling me 'not to sit like a man' (probably because I was wearing a dress...well, as soon as I could choose for myself, I never wore another dress!

It's much easier when you get older, partly because this weird society doesn't really equate age with any kind of sexuality (old people don't have sex anyway!)...so having ultra short hair and gender neutral clothing is unremarkable now.

[General]

15 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

Same here. I see 'person' for myself. When I was young my mother kept telling me 'not to sit like a man' (probably because I was wearing a dress...well, as soon as I could choose for myself, I never wore another dress!

It's much easier when you get older, partly because this weird society doesn't really equate age with any kind of sexuality (old people don't have sex anyway!)...so having ultra short hair and gender neutral clothing is unremarkable now.

I've been called out on darn near everything.  Finally realized I was nonbinary last year.  People always had a lot to say about my "masculine" qualities.  This isn't something I'm making an effort to do, I just am this way.

 

I wish I didn't constantly receive judgement.  Guess I'll have to wait till I get really old and hopefully people will stop caring.

 

 

[Bloc]

7 hours ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

I've been called out on darn near everything.  Finally realized I was nonbinary last year.  People always had a lot to say about my "masculine" qualities.  This isn't something I'm making an effort to do, I just am this way.

I've made a huge effort to show "masculine" qualities with little success at least in my eyes. Constantly feeling not masculine enough for the expectations of society drains a lot of energy and confidence.

[General]

12 hours ago, Bloc said:

I've made a huge effort to show "masculine" qualities with little success at least in my eyes. Constantly feeling not masculine enough for the expectations of society drains a lot of energy and confidence.

Trying to please society is going to make you miserable.  Screw society.  You are enough, and you're perfectly fine how you naturally are.

 

 

[Karst]

When I was going through puberty, I was deeply uncomfortable with my body, so I didn't have the greatest self-care habits, so it was a vicious cycle.  (This went away later on, but I still hate seeing pictures of myself from middle school.)

 I think that a lot of people, both cis and trans, have some kind of body-discomfort issues at that age.  It's a terrifying, mutational time in one's life.  Your body and mind are changing in weird ways, and, just to make things worse, you have zero fashion sense.