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What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless


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Sometimes I wish i didn't have a body, more like I know I am something  but is more abstract, like a cloud or a mass of something. I don't know how to explain. I'm used to my human body, flesh, bones, guts, because I've had it since I remember but I don't like it, i don't think that's me. I don't like to see myself in the mirror and I avoid it, not because I'm ugly or something i just don't feel comfortable, is not gross, is more like foreign. And for a long time I tried to accept it because there is nothing else I can do about it, give it a chance.

 

I didn't like girl things at all. I like some now as I gave it a chance but I became exhausted from it and what it represents to have a girl body. I like boy things but not all of it or to a degree that I want to be one. I like androgynous people because they are beautiful but they also have social expectations so to speak, all of them have stereotypical aspects to them. I feel like even when I'm more drawn to androgyny I will still  feel foreign.

 

I see my body as "we" because every part is something with its own agenda. My brain (left and right) and my stomach and I are the main ones, but we are together in a single body trying to stay together and work as a team. To some extent I think I understand them and they understand me. Sometimes my brain freaks out for... something I still don't know and then panic attacks occur, I have to try to convince it that everything is fine. Thats how we work.

 

Gender then becomes something interesting. Because if I could be not bounded to my body I could be anything I wanted which is nothing. I like certain things. Little things, cute things, big things, textures, sensations, colors, shapes, wherever the come from, so they happen to be one gender or the other depending on what society has classified them as. And that is how gender is to me. If I like it then that is part of who I am. And I can like many different things. I don't want to be classified for that. I don't think I can be classified. And because of that I actually can... as not gendered.

 

I recently discovered the zentai suits. Is a Lycra suit that covers the entire body and it leaves you without features, bought a black one. I know it's just a silly suit and a placeholder of an idea, i was a little nervous and embarrassed when I thought to wear one, but it felt really good to finally be able to look at the mirror and see a shape of a human instead of an actual one. I stared to finally buy and wear some masks because it's something i really liked since I was a child. Of course I only do it in secret and for myself only whenever I can. It feels calming and relieving to not be gendered at all. 

 

I don't know if someone else feels the same or has had the same experience. It probably has a name too that I'm not aware of. Either way. As to what it's on my possibility to do I wish to have an androgyn body... someday. That's the closest thing I could do to be gender less, also keep wearing my costumes. Maybe on Halloween I will gather enough confidence to go out using it :)

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Dodecahedron314

I can actually relate to some of this, @Lar. There are times at which just the idea of having a body in general is just incredibly weird to me, I think due to some psychological things that I'm not entirely sure of, and I occasionally just describe myself as a Boltzmann brain. It was more prominent in the past, but isn't something I experience as much anymore. I can definitely see where you're coming from, though.

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5 minutes ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

I can actually relate to some of this, @Lar. There are times at which just the idea of having a body in general is just incredibly weird to me, I think due to some psychological things that I'm not entirely sure of, and I occasionally just describe myself as a Boltzmann brain. It was more prominent in the past, but isn't something I experience as much anymore. I can definitely see where you're coming from, though.

I'm pretty sure that it's a phase due to depression but something is completely certain and that is the fact that I never since childhood felt that I was male nor female. Also the fact that I never could see myself on others, relate or bond. And that continues to this day.

 

what I like so happens to be one gender or another or none. But I don't like that because of that people assume things from me. They can't. I haven't had experiences like others see them from their perspective. 

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

I feel like I only have mild dysphoria but I have to be honest here, some of the autistic things about me are: A LOT of alexithymia. Like I have so much trouble describing my emotions but if you see me in person I'm always smiling or laughing(I'm generally pissed that a small AFAB person like myself with bum-length hair can't really pull off a glare though). I'm so confused by myself...But anyway, I have had on and off moments of feeling anxious about my breasts and now the default seems to be the moment I notice them I'm...definitely anxious in the sort of emotionless, blanking out way that it seems to happen with me. Sorry, running low on words -_- I also hate being in situations where people seem to naturally fall into two gender roles. Anyway I guess I really am stuck. I have this feeling that I want to move towards a more neutral appearance, and properly make it clear to people that I am neither male nor female. I feel very much 50/50(though it does occasionally swing round?), plus my frame does in my eyes look quite neutral until you get to the chest area...and hips -_- but despite it all I value my current relationships a lot and don't like unexpected changes which I can't anticipate, so I guess it sort of feels like if I start changing things about me I'll be asking for a lot of impossible-to-prepare-for stuff? I can imagine myself with a short haircut, flat chest and a mixture of clothing, I mean I'm just going to perpetually hunt for girls' baggy jeans because I've tried guys' and it did kind of freak me out.  I also simultaneously don't want to be grouped together with females and males, but am also worried about a lot of loneliness as a result...I'm just really not that brave I guess.

*Sigh*

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I think I could be genderless or agender because I've never really had any male or female feelings that I could identify as such.
As a child, I had no interest in gendered toys or games, such as Action Man or Barbie, and I didn't play war or shops or cooking. Mostly, I read books and painted pictures.
 As an adult I feel that I'm generally outside of any male conversations that are taking place, as I have zero interest in sports, fast cars, sex etc.
Maybe these things aren't actually the markers of what identifies gender, and I'm interested to know if I've got this all wrong.
In day to day life, I'm male, or at least I have a beard and wear male-type clothes, but I think that's really for my own convenience. Maybe if I was 17 again and living in this post-internet world, that might be different.
In the 1980s, I lived for a year as a female. I never really thought I was a woman trapped in the wrong body, but in the early 1980s I think aro/agender/aces were messing up all over the place. We were struggling to figure out our identities in a world that only welcomed straights and was still very hostile to any concepts of queer, let alone the added complexities of gender identity. To put me in a nutshell, I have no interest whatsoever in sex, romance, or my gender identity. To be honest, I feel like someone tripped my 'off' button. It's certainly 'off' as far as what society seems to want and expect.
 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm a bit confused. I go by female cause it's easier than changing any pronouns or telling my family. But I don't identify as either. I feel complimented when people call me male, and extremely weirded out when I'm called a woman. I'm seen as female, but idk....Every time groups get together and meet new people (most recently college orientation) the girls and the guys group together automatically and I'm stuck not fitting anywhere. I try to join the males but they act differently with me there. I wish nobody cared about sex and gender so I could have had sleepovers  with my guy friends when I was younger. My mom keeps telling me to stop talking about my boobs like they aren't apart of me, but I don't feel like they are. I'm not even going to get started about the older generation of my family. Last time I wore a dress I felt sooooo out of place, and the suit I wore to prom felt FABULOUS. I want a breast binder but I'd probably sweat out of it in 5 minutes. Testosterone is out because I'm a soprano, and I'm afraid it'd screw with my range. Anybody have advice? 

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On 7/20/2017 at 3:26 PM, Lirpaderp said:

I'm a bit confused. I go by female cause it's easier than changing any pronouns or telling my family. But I don't identify as either. I feel complimented when people call me male, and extremely weirded out when I'm called a woman. I'm seen as female, but idk....Every time groups get together and meet new people (most recently college orientation) the girls and the guys group together automatically and I'm stuck not fitting anywhere. I try to join the males but they act differently with me there. I wish nobody cared about sex and gender so I could have had sleepovers  with my guy friends when I was younger. My mom keeps telling me to stop talking about my boobs like they aren't apart of me, but I don't feel like they are. I'm not even going to get started about the older generation of my family. Last time I wore a dress I felt sooooo out of place, and the suit I wore to prom felt FABULOUS. I want a breast binder but I'd probably sweat out of it in 5 minutes. Testosterone is out because I'm a soprano, and I'm afraid it'd screw with my range. Anybody have advice? 

I don't have a ton of advice, but this is pretty relatable. An alternative to a breast binder is a sports bra with the cups taken out. It's not as effective, but safer and easier to get. That's how I survived the school year.

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Hi, so I am new here and I know that is is going to sound strange, but I am very confused and I would really like some help. I am a girl and I feel like a girl and I like guys. Everyone tells me I am a hippie so I guess that I sort of am, but that isn't the point. I like being a girl and I don't want to be a guy, except sometimes I kind of feel like one and act like one. And well I guess I could say that I feel like a mix of a girl and a guy. I mean like some of the things I do I guess could be considered more typical male things like I will let my leg hair grow out pretty long and then eventually shave it when it starts feeling itchy if I am wearing long pants or something, but people say that that is just because I am a "hippie". Also, I have a younger brother but he is much taller than me so if I like his clothing when he grows out of them I ask for them. And I really enjoy wearing what is considered guy clothing and hanging out with guys, but I also like to wear what is considered girl clothing and dresses and stuff. I care about how I dress sometimes but other times I will just wear whatever I is the cozyest. I am just really confused because I like being a girl but feel like a guy sometimes 2 and sometimes I kind of want to be one but also a girl. I don't really know how I am feeling but if anyone could please help me out it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

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1 hour ago, ToriS said:

Hi, so I am new here and I know that is is going to sound strange, but I am very confused and I would really like some help. I am a girl and I feel like a girl and I like guys. Everyone tells me I am a hippie so I guess that I sort of am, but that isn't the point. I like being a girl and I don't want to be a guy, except sometimes I kind of feel like one and act like one. And well I guess I could say that I feel like a mix of a girl and a guy. I mean like some of the things I do I guess could be considered more typical male things like I will let my leg hair grow out pretty long and then eventually shave it when it starts feeling itchy if I am wearing long pants or something, but people say that that is just because I am a "hippie". Also, I have a younger brother but he is much taller than me so if I like his clothing when he grows out of them I ask for them. And I really enjoy wearing what is considered guy clothing and hanging out with guys, but I also like to wear what is considered girl clothing and dresses and stuff. I care about how I dress sometimes but other times I will just wear whatever I is the cozyest. I am just really confused because I like being a girl but feel like a guy sometimes 2 and sometimes I kind of want to be one but also a girl. I don't really know how I am feeling but if anyone could please help me out it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Well, what you decide fits you best is up to you, as always. Is there a label you are thinking feels best to you yet? 

 

I am "cis" in that I was born a girl and I don't mind being one. But, I don't follow gender stereotypes at all. I rarely shave my legs (I did the first time in over a year when I went to visit my partner this summer), I wear girls and guys clothes (whichever is more comfy), I dislike "girly" activities mostly and I get along easier among a group of guys than a group of girls when I am hanging out with people, usually. So, you can also just be a girl and not be "girly". Or, you could be a boy and still like "girly" things. Try to focus more on your feelings, than what society says is typically "girl" or "boy" behavior, would be my advice. 

 

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/118655-im-heart-your-friendly-neighbourhood-admin/ -- This opening post has some links, including one about the subtle forms of dysphoria. 

 

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33 minutes ago, Serran said:

Well, what you decide fits you best is up to you, as always. Is there a label you are thinking feels best to you yet? 

 

I am "cis" in that I was born a girl and I don't mind being one. But, I don't follow gender stereotypes at all. I rarely shave my legs (I did the first time in over a year when I went to visit my partner this summer), I wear girls and guys clothes (whichever is more comfy), I dislike "girly" activities mostly and I get along easier among a group of guys than a group of girls when I am hanging out with people, usually. So, you can also just be a girl and not be "girly". Or, you could be a boy and still like "girly" things. Try to focus more on your feelings, than what society says is typically "girl" or "boy" behavior, would be my advice. 

 

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/118655-im-heart-your-friendly-neighbourhood-admin/ -- This opening post has some links, including one about the subtle forms of dysphoria. 

 

Thank you so much! :) I will go look at them now! You were very helpful and  thank you!

 

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I step into the shower... I sigh.. I have to do this routine again...

I shampoo my already thinned long hair. It isn't what it used to be 10 years ago. My hairline is receding. And every time I shampoo. There are 2-3 hairs tangled up around my fingers.

I feel sad, I just want to cry. I wash them off my hands and see them go towards the drain before they disappear over my flat chest.

I can't take this anymore, why do I have to be so unlucky?...

Sigh, and I still have to shave the rest of my body. It's no use really, I'll be prickly in just 4 hours again. But I do it anyways.

Oh well, time for the conditioner, T_T. More hairs down the drain... omg at this rate.. i'll be wearing a wig for the rest of my life. Not even my own hair.

I get out of the shower, and I dry myself. Blowdrying my hair too. It feels good. It makes my hair springy and seeming more full... But ugh... that hair line. q.q. I don't want to look at it. Why is this mirror being so honest? I hate it. And yet I still need him, because I need to shave.

Why me? I didn't ask for this. It's horrible.

There's still a year before I can get HRT here in my country. Because of gate keeping and waiting list.

What will my hairline look like by then? I feel like I'm totally going to be bald by then already!

A girl passes by on the hallway. She's cute, I wonder what she's feeling like. Does she know that she's lucky? Her long wavy hair. Not having to worry? Sure you have hair on your arms too.. But they're barely visible! Not unlike mine when I leave them, it's like a jungle then. It's hot and warm. And you can wear a skirt... I couldn't people would be bothered by even short pants. You wear flip flops. I need to wear shoes.

And you don't even have to be annoyed by that thing down there getting in the way. And having a mind on it's own thinking it's perfectly fine to pop up. It shouldn't have been like that.

It's unfair.

I feel so lost. I just want to sleep the time away.

Sleep until I can be myself all the time.

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@Phoenix the II *hugs* i cant do more then offer my sympathies i recognize much of what you are saying. Once again *hugs*

I am lucky that i havent start to lose my hair yet i think.

And the horror when i discovered my back.

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On 7/27/2017 at 10:43 AM, ToriS said:

Hi, so I am new here and I know that is is going to sound strange, but I am very confused and I would really like some help. I am a girl and I feel like a girl and I like guys. Everyone tells me I am a hippie so I guess that I sort of am, but that isn't the point. I like being a girl and I don't want to be a guy, except sometimes I kind of feel like one and act like one. And well I guess I could say that I feel like a mix of a girl and a guy. I mean like some of the things I do I guess could be considered more typical male things like I will let my leg hair grow out pretty long and then eventually shave it when it starts feeling itchy if I am wearing long pants or something, but people say that that is just because I am a "hippie". Also, I have a younger brother but he is much taller than me so if I like his clothing when he grows out of them I ask for them. And I really enjoy wearing what is considered guy clothing and hanging out with guys, but I also like to wear what is considered girl clothing and dresses and stuff. I care about how I dress sometimes but other times I will just wear whatever I is the cozyest. I am just really confused because I like being a girl but feel like a guy sometimes 2 and sometimes I kind of want to be one but also a girl. I don't really know how I am feeling but if anyone could please help me out it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Honestly I feel sort of similar to this. I feel like there's a little boy persona in me and I have written stories from his POV before. And sometimes I wanna literally be him and I actually own plenty boy clothing. But I don't think you need to stress yourself out about labels. Just be yourself! :) 

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Content warming for panicky rant ++ questions about people's experiences with gender anxiety

Spoiler

hi

 

i just want to first say thank you to everyone who has posted in this thread - it's been good to read through different people's experiences. I've been lurking for a couple months reading this thread and others trying to figure things out. I figured the folks in this thread would maybe have some good pointers or advice.

 

I spent 99% of my 23 years so far being certain I was a cis-male. I have never in my life worried about whether or not my body suited me (outside of some stuff independent to gender with my body weight and wanting to slim down). A couple months ago I had a conversation with a friend where they asked me what my experience with femininity was and it felt like a wall had been broken down. Suddenly I was trying to figure out what my gender was. I started to panic, which is something I did a couple months earlier. In November I came out as bi and did the same thing - with my brain continually bombarding me with thoughts like "you're gay!" even though it didn't feel like that really lined up with my lived experiences, desires, etc. So again, this summer I found myself panicking about sexuality / gender things but now about what I am / are / am going to be. Initially the voice inside my head was telling me: "you're MtF trans! you want to be a woman" in spite of the fact that I don't want to medically transition, wear "femme-y" clothes (though a couple things do seem cool to me + I wear rings // dress already in a mildly feminine way) or generally present as a woman/girl. I found a slight reprieve from this panic when I felt really good about settling on genderqueer but after a couple weeks of calm, I started panicking again, and I've been stuck in this sort of panic and anxiety for a month+ now.

 

I tried to test out a female name (my current one is gender neutral, which I am thankful for) and she/her pronouns but was met with this intense anxiety and panic about it that. I seem to be okay with they/them but I also really don't mind when someone genders me with he/him, and I would NEVER want to not be considered a son to my parents - I love the relationship I have with them in its current form so much.

 

The past few weeks, I have been having a lot of anxiety about my voice. I don't want it to sound my feminine - I already think it sounds a little feminine at times, and this freaks me out? I also sometimes find myself freaking out that some of my mannerisms are feminine and this + the voice worries produces this messy feeling inside that makes me feel feminine. And that in principle is okay. I've always been a little on the feminine side. But. My issue is that my brain jumps from "your voice sounds feminine to you" to "you are a woman" and this kind of freaks me out. Like, I've always been a kind of feminine person, and masculinity has something that has at times seem foreign to me, but its never been something I want to leave behind entirely or like, reject - its just not something I fit into perfectly / want to fit into perfectly. But I also don't understand why I am freaking out at noticing feminine things about me

 

I don't generally feel dysphoria, though sometimes I think breasts would be nice (but only when I'm panicking) - I really don't want to change my body or take any hormones, though. I like who I am quite a bit (and I love having a dick and lots of hair). It seems as though noticing that I may already be quite feminine causes me to panic? Sometimes when I am in my panicked state I'll also look at women on the metro and be like "would I want that body? what if I do?" but I also notice its always with the sorts of people I am attracted to so idk if my brain is just kind of fucking with me.

 

So, my questions for other folks who have been in similar / parallel situations is:

 

1) how long did questioning your gender last // if it is ongoing, how did you calm some of the "oh wow I am no longer cis and am bad with ambiguity" anxiety?

2) did anyone else have this sort of all over the place attempt to fit themselves into categories? and then settle on somewhere in the middle?

3) pls send hugs, haha

 

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On 8/15/2017 at 2:01 PM, hereforthis said:

Content warming for panicky rant ++ questions about people's experiences with gender anxiety

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hi

 

i just want to first say thank you to everyone who has posted in this thread - it's been good to read through different people's experiences. I've been lurking for a couple months reading this thread and others trying to figure things out. I figured the folks in this thread would maybe have some good pointers or advice.

 

I spent 99% of my 23 years so far being certain I was a cis-male. I have never in my life worried about whether or not my body suited me (outside of some stuff independent to gender with my body weight and wanting to slim down). A couple months ago I had a conversation with a friend where they asked me what my experience with femininity was and it felt like a wall had been broken down. Suddenly I was trying to figure out what my gender was. I started to panic, which is something I did a couple months earlier. In November I came out as bi and did the same thing - with my brain continually bombarding me with thoughts like "you're gay!" even though it didn't feel like that really lined up with my lived experiences, desires, etc. So again, this summer I found myself panicking about sexuality / gender things but now about what I am / are / am going to be. Initially the voice inside my head was telling me: "you're MtF trans! you want to be a woman" in spite of the fact that I don't want to medically transition, wear "femme-y" clothes (though a couple things do seem cool to me + I wear rings // dress already in a mildly feminine way) or generally present as a woman/girl. I found a slight reprieve from this panic when I felt really good about settling on genderqueer but after a couple weeks of calm, I started panicking again, and I've been stuck in this sort of panic and anxiety for a month+ now.

 

I tried to test out a female name (my current one is gender neutral, which I am thankful for) and she/her pronouns but was met with this intense anxiety and panic about it that. I seem to be okay with they/them but I also really don't mind when someone genders me with he/him, and I would NEVER want to not be considered a son to my parents - I love the relationship I have with them in its current form so much.

 

The past few weeks, I have been having a lot of anxiety about my voice. I don't want it to sound my feminine - I already think it sounds a little feminine at times, and this freaks me out? I also sometimes find myself freaking out that some of my mannerisms are feminine and this + the voice worries produces this messy feeling inside that makes me feel feminine. And that in principle is okay. I've always been a little on the feminine side. But. My issue is that my brain jumps from "your voice sounds feminine to you" to "you are a woman" and this kind of freaks me out. Like, I've always been a kind of feminine person, and masculinity has something that has at times seem foreign to me, but its never been something I want to leave behind entirely or like, reject - its just not something I fit into perfectly / want to fit into perfectly. But I also don't understand why I am freaking out at noticing feminine things about me

 

I don't generally feel dysphoria, though sometimes I think breasts would be nice (but only when I'm panicking) - I really don't want to change my body or take any hormones, though. I like who I am quite a bit (and I love having a dick and lots of hair). It seems as though noticing that I may already be quite feminine causes me to panic? Sometimes when I am in my panicked state I'll also look at women on the metro and be like "would I want that body? what if I do?" but I also notice its always with the sorts of people I am attracted to so idk if my brain is just kind of fucking with me.

 

So, my questions for other folks who have been in similar / parallel situations is:

 

1) how long did questioning your gender last // if it is ongoing, how did you calm some of the "oh wow I am no longer cis and am bad with ambiguity" anxiety?

2) did anyone else have this sort of all over the place attempt to fit themselves into categories? and then settle on somewhere in the middle?

3) pls send hugs, haha

I can only calm it by telling myself my gender doesn't matter....it doesn't work often. I also freak out about what category I'm in. What helps me the most is thinking back to how I found my sexuality. For years all I knew was I wasn't straight. Then I heard about asexual, and a year later that's what I stuck with. Now all I know is I'm not a girl. I more recently looked into non-binary genders. I'm hoping my realization of my gender will take after my sexuality and I'll know how I identify by next year.

Hugs 🤗 (or jazz hands?)

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  • 1 month later...

Agender/genderless:

 

Imagen HAVING to chose between chocolate and strawberry ice cream - but you don't like strawberry or chocolate really, you like it every once in awhile - but you get board of tastes pretty quickly... Now imagine that choosing only one ice cream to eat for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, is some kind of right of passage... But you don't want to eat just one, you don't even really like them - ones been force fed to you all your life, and the other's just ok... But you know you would get sick of that one too...

 

But one day you discover VANILLA and MINT and PISTACHIO! - and you know there are still more to discover! You mix and match them, and you have pretty much abandoned the 'common' flavours... "Why only limit yourself to one flavour?" You think - then people start attacking you, telling you only 2 flavors exist! And have made life difficult for you by categorising EVERYTHING by what flavour you like... "But what about the other flavours?" No one believes in other flavours, and no one believes in you... They keep telling you that these wonderful flavours you are eating are fake and invalid... You struggle to find friends and you struggle to express yourself to people who only like one common or even both common flavours... You feel lost and eventually just keep to yourself, searching the world for more exotic and interesting flavours...

 

Eventually, you find people who know of different flavours - and you share your discoveries with each other - they help you find more flavours, and accept you as you are... Even though the world was clearly designed against you - you find a way around the categories... And you realise you never wanted to be anyone - but yourself - as long as you and a few others know there's millions of flavours out there, you're ok...

 

Ice cream - just because you like chocolate and/or strawberry, doesn't mean I like them too...

 

•Ice cream = human/person/people

•Flavour = expression

 

[The ice cream story - By that Human]

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Well for me it's not a feeling it's just an extremely beautiful sense of knowing that I am male - annnnnnnd then there are feelings that come with that - generally a whole lot or restlessness and anger followed by a horrible feeling of selfhate orrrrrr it will be like I am now stuck in my little dream world all confident and good tempered where I look and sound unquestionably like a cisguy… until I see the bathroom mirror or get called girl :/



the rest of the time I have just about no fucking idea what I am cause now I know what it's truly like to have a gender I know I've never been female - ever -  so I just spend that time flickering like an old light bulb being what I think is androgynous one minute to absolutely nothing - utterly genderless so there's just nothing there but an empty never-ending pit of doubt wondering if I ever truly felt any gender at all and if I'm just making it all up for the attention or to make myself a bit more special.

 

 

I find the whole backwards and forwards nature of my gender as bad if not worse at time then the dysphoria.

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People always try to reason with me saying things like 'oh but being a woman in this day an age you can do whatever you like', yes the restrictions on woman's autonomy have been lifted tremendously in the past few decades, (a tiny amount of time in the evolutionary timeline of humans) but we are still biologically weaker, and biologically designed to please men, so every encounter I've had with a man since I was 12 whether he will admit it or not he's made a decision about my 'fuckability' and that I can not stand. Or when people say 'but you're so beautiful!', ahh yes, my life goal, to achieve beauty so that I may participate in mating rituals where I get dicked in my guts and face, thank you. And my  personal favourite 'youre gonna make a man so happy one day!'...does that even need comment? 

I think that's the hardest part, everyone around you just doing their best to make u feel like u should be grateful, but it just makes u feel more wrong. When how can what I feel, what brings me to shaking tears, how can that be wrong? I don't know who or what I am but I know that my anatomy brings me nothing but discomfort. I don't think people understand that actual immensity of gender associations and how much indoctrination of those associations affects our children. Girls and boys alike. Boys are associated as being dominant, this is detrimental as it makes boys feel insecure about their vulnerabilities and they put a wall around them and are told boys don't cry, well they do, it can also make them feel like predators even when they're not. I could never say for sure but I think the indoctrinations in a girls childhood are far more detrimental, as they're about being submissive and dirty, girls should never get as dirty as boys, god forbid they play tackle in the mud or not wash their hands after using the loo and wiping their dirty genitals. Gd forbid we sit with our legs spread... At 10? Were taught much more strongly to not talk back, and even my flat Childs chest I knew was inappropriate. I think all this hugely contributed to the image I have of myself today, I see my body as a design for the pleasure of men and the birth of children and I want neither. I'm fixated as fuck and just want to live a life which doesn't revolve around my gender, but god damn, its everywhere I go. 

 

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I actually fall into the "I'm a x stuck in a y's body" trope. I don't feel like I'm in the right body, and whether that's because of my psychosis or dysphoria, I'm not 100% sure.

 

But it sure sucks.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/17/2009 at 7:06 AM, Beardless said:

Ok... here goes...

I'm female bodied.

I don't have an innate gender. The label's blank. I can see the label now, took me a while to find it. (It's up and to the right in me).

I say that I'm agendered because I see my relationship with gender is similar to my relationship with sex (some people seem to know what they're doing with them, but I don't have a foggiest).

 

 

On 6/17/2009 at 4:28 PM, mad_scientist said:

...

Are you me in disguise?

 

Hi! Thank you folks so much for sharing! <3

I had to leave the freaking room when I read your posts because it felt so similar to my own experiences. My heart is all aflutter. I've not shared this part of myself with anyone I know personally so far, save in passing to my roommate. Well, my gender idenity that is. I think anyone who will listen knows I want to be a robot when I grow up and transplanting human consciousness into machines becomes a thing.

I mean, the things I identify the most with are androids, lovecraftian horror monsters, and dogs (I don't view dogs as having any inkling of what gender might be). 

To start I'm afab. I just don't feel gender? When I think about my gender, and what I feel like, when I try and imagine that label, it does indeed turn up blank. I feel zero connection to being female, and I feel no real connection to being male, save a preference for the aesthetic. Admittedly a rather strong preference at this point. I've been seriously thinking about top surgery and hormones, though my ideal (at least in this relatively set avatar) would be to generally confuse people as a mistakenly male non-gendered entity, as opposed to a mistakenly female non-gendered entity.

Wow, that was a choppy sentence, sorry you had to read that.

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NavyBluePopcorn

I found out about the term cassgender recently.

I'm biologically female. Never had a problem with my body, never even thought about gender. But I understand now that's because my parents let me be free to do whatever I want.

 I don't think I fit in agender, or genderqueer, or transgender. Mostly because I don't  care. I don't really care about what my body says because that's not gonna change how I express myself.

I don't know if this is a bad thing to say, but I would consider transition just because of the "benefits" of it. Like, less boobs (I'm in the middle of a war with mine so excuse me), or having defined muscles more easily. I know it's dumb, I know transition it's no joke or easy subject, but that's the way i could find out about cassgender. The way I consider transition, not really thinking it as a way to "correct" my body, but as I way to kinda improve what I thought to be not wrong, just something open to be perhaps better(?). I just really don't care about what my body it's saying because I'm not define by it.

Maybe the reason for me thinking that having a masculine body is better is that being a aro/ace girl makes it kinda hard having boy friends. I'm too touchy and sometimes looks like I'm into them when really I just like hugs :// perhaps if I had a masculine body... none of that would have happened 

Understand?

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NavyBluePopcorn
On 20/07/2017 at 3:26 PM, Lirpaderp said:

I'm a bit confused. I go by female cause it's easier than changing any pronouns or telling my family. But I don't identify as either. I feel complimented when people call me male, and extremely weirded out when I'm called a woman. I'm seen as female, but idk....Every time groups get together and meet new people (most recently college orientation) the girls and the guys group together automatically and I'm stuck not fitting anywhere. I try to join the males but they act differently with me there. I wish nobody cared about sex and gender so I could have had sleepovers  with my guy friends when I was younger. My mom keeps telling me to stop talking about my boobs like they aren't apart of me, but I don't feel like they are. I'm not even going to get started about the older generation of my family. Last time I wore a dress I felt sooooo out of place, and the suit I wore to prom felt FABULOUS. I want a breast binder but I'd probably sweat out of it in 5 minutes. Testosterone is out because I'm a soprano, and I'm afraid it'd screw with my range. Anybody have advice? 

Omg yes that's it ~~ I feel ya bro

I go by female, but I prefer to be called by my nickname, cause it's kinda genderless. Pronouns tho, it's easier to stay female, generally because I don't care

I sing, and one day I was really sick. And when people confused my and my (boy) friend's voice I was so happy. I think that's the most awesome compliment someone has ever said about my voice. But what would testosterone do with it?!?!

Binder just look so uncomfortable and sweaty, but boobs  are also not an option.

And don't even get me started on SUITS 😍

 

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@Lar

I completely feel so much of what you're saying.

I've been thinking about my (lack of) gender a lot lately, and in retrospect I never felt female or male, or anything. I was always just me. I went with the girls because that's what I was told to do. I never had more than one friend at a time until the end of high school, and I'm quite fine with that, I'm a bit asocial along with all the other a's. 

I often think of myself as an alien, and not a humanoid alien, but an honestly odd alien. I understand that this is my body, I'm mostly fine with that, and I've put a lot of time and effort into learning to love myself and my body. not necessarily because I like it, and more because it's what I'm stuck with, and I can only change it so much. I do want to change some things because I have the potential power to do so, and I have some dysphoria about my secondary sex traits, but I try to see this avatar I've been saddled with in a positive light. I can customize it to a point and so I shall, and it will be all the more me for it. It's like my car. I didn't pick it out, but it's mine, and I'm gonna have it for a while, so I might as well paint a mural on it.

Human behaviors are just so confusing. There are so many things I don't understand properly. Like, I get them on a theoretical level, but not on a level of true understanding. On that note, I also regularly refer to my body as 'my human body' because I just feel quite separated from the rest of the population.

I'm a writer and I decided a few weeks back that my protagonist is actiually a lovecraftian monster and doesn't know it yet. I tried to say it was because I liked the asthetic and the plot potential, but if I'm being honest I know it's because I wanted to do some further self exploration.

 

Thank you for sharing, friend. I truly appreciate it. <3

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2 hours ago, NavyBluePopcorn said:

Omg yes that's it ~~ I feel ya bro

I go by female, but I prefer to be called by my nickname, cause it's kinda genderless. Pronouns tho, it's easier to stay female, generally because I don't care

I sing, and one day I was really sick. And when people confused my and my (boy) friend's voice I was so happy. I think that's the most awesome compliment someone has ever said about my voice. But what would testosterone do with it?!?!

Binder just look so uncomfortable and sweaty, but boobs  are also not an option.

And don't even get me started on SUITS 😍

 

Wow, that post of mine was from July. A lot has happened since then. Including starting college 😊. When people met me, before knowing my name, a lot of them called me he and it felt awesome. Then they heard my name and I was stuck with she again. There have been discussion groups led by the LGBTQA resource center and I've been going by he and it feels awesome. A few friends call me he as well 😁. It feels right, but I still don't know what gender I am. But my problem with boobs has gotten worse. I don't care about sweat anymore, I need a binder. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 21.6.2017 at 4:43 AM, Salted Karamel said:

I have never intuitively experienced gender in my life yet it seems all sorts of people know with a lot of conviction what gender they are, and even though I've always greeted the assignment of "female" with a great big shrug and "sure why not," I can't relate to that experience of conviction and strong gender identity at all. Yet people would call me cisgender, so are they wrong or am I?

I have experienced that most people don't feel any certain way about their gender at all. They just are and people treat them like they see them and that's it. I guess it comes down to social groups. E.g. most people don't even know the term "cisgender" or "gender". If you don't know the concept, you can't feel it.

I think you are not wrong and they are not wrong, either. That's just societal dynamics. 

Say, you have a female body, people see you as female but you don't strongly identify with being female. The question would be, what do you think does "feeling female" mean to you?

E.g. say, you think, well, feeling female means liking dresses and wearing make-up or it means being catcalled on the street. And well, you don't like any of that. The first would be things society has constructed as femenine, e.g. what's expected of females. The second, is a reaction of others towards you for appearing female. In the first, you can totally reject those feminine roles and stereotypes and still be AFAB or a woman. In the second, you can't control what society does to people they perceive as female. You can only recognize it is systemic and if you like, collectively take action to better the situation for everybody. 

And now think about yourself not even knowing the term gender, would you identify as something?

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, most people don't think about gender that much at all, nobody is completely or behaves completely like what is expected of one, according to society or a system... It's probably very normal to not identify with a certain gender and it's normal other people treat you like they see you. 

 

I don't identify any way, I don't feel any gendered way. I identify with my history, my values..etc. independtly of whether that's this or that.  I like all kinds of stuff, that might be thought of as masculine or feminine. I have a female body and hence people treat me like it. People expect certain things of me because of how I am perceived. I may like some stuff and not other stuff. 

Just do what you like. If you don't feel something, don't think too much about it. Unless it has been an obstacle in your life. 

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This is me: 

(Warning, wall of text approaching)

Spoiler

I say I am genderflux, because it seems to be the closest identity to what I am... But that's not entirely accurate. Here is what happens when I try to explain my gender(s)

 

I feel like I have 7 or more, I haven't really been able to count them, personalities that identify differently, with different genders, different values, different decisions, etc. They are all constantly in a power struggle over my body, (Though who would want that, I don't know...) and are trying to basically become the dominant identity. Of course, as soon as one gets to the top, all the others are vying for his/her/hyx/his-her/her-his/their... etc place and usually about every 27.5 hours (This varies wildly, but this is the approximation of the average is about 27.5 hours before another identity nabs the top spot. Sometimes it's subtle, like identifying from a girl to a demigirl, other times it's wildly fluctuant, like from one of my queer identities, for example, hyr, to maybe identifying as a full-on boy. As such, I end up acting wildly different from one day to the next sometimes, and people sense something odd. They never ask, though, I don't know why. I feel dysphoria weirdly, because sometimes I have it extra-strength-ruin-my-day type, sometimes not at all, and sometimes, annoying but not enough to totally wreck my day. I find that when I can, cross-dressing fixes the dysphoria well enough. (I mean, if people don't realize I'm cross-dressing. If they do, it still helps, just not quite as much.) But I digress. To summarize, my existence in terms of gender, ideals, pronouns, and basically a lot of my personality is a constant battle day-to-day with no clear end in sight. (Although I do identify as a girl or like terms more than other identities. (I mean the personalities)). Okay, that's probably enough text, gotta do my dreary everyday work... 

Okay, that is a basic explanation of something that I can't accurately put into words, AKA me.

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I define myself as agender though I never had felt any gender dysphoria I never felt gender either.I never felt quite a gender in my life.Yes I knew I was biologically born female but i didn't really much cared about it.I was quite a tomboy while I was growing up.But then things changed faster when I hit the 13.I realized that my family were warning me because of my behaviours and preferences.And I didn't understand why were they? Yes I knew I had a quite androgynous style.I wore dresses but also wanted to buy a clothes that was meant to be for a man.I never got it but the funny thing the clothes that I liked wasn't even that masculine.So I thought about my gender identity a lot.And I realized I never felt like a girl but also guy because I never knew what those meant really.The clothing style that I am wearing? No. The people that I am into? No. The behaviours that I am showing? No. It was how I feel inside.Gender meant how I feel inside.And I felt like "me" inside.There was no gender.So I realized you can be not man or a woman or anything in particular.You can be you.That was my experience. 

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I consider myself demigirl/gender neutral with an occasional leaning to gender dysphoria and uncomfortability. I was born female but have very little/almost no associations with being female, however I don't have any major dysphoria or issue with being a girl. It is just that I do not associate with any classic stereotype, behaviour, identity or 'social cohesiveness' of what it means to be female. 

 

The times I experience dysphoria is during summer. I have an hourglass figure and I don't like it. For me it is too female and I've always secretly wished to have the body shape of a male. So I will do what I can to not show my hips. My body self esteem is very very low because of body shape issues. I'd do anything to have straight down hips rather than curvy.  I've thought of doing toning exercises and weight lifting to increase the muscle around my arms so that the hips will look more narrowed and shoulders wider but I don't have the energy as I get tired easily. 

 

Sometimes I don't like my breast. There will be moments where I look at them and think 'I really don't need these or want them'. 

 

I do wonder if I am dissociated because of a more deeper gender issue within myself. As a child I used to dress up as a boy when no one was around. I used to pose in the mirror with Al these baggy clothes on. I used to be extremely sad and envious of boys, even to how they sat. However the wonderment is more complex for me. I come from a middle eastern family where gender roles were very specific, conservative and narrowed. Women were more vulnerable,  men the breadwinner. My Dad was exceedingly protective of me and I found it shameful to show flesh, despite us being catholic. Therefore I grew up with an idea that being a man was better, easier and since I went through domestic violence, that emotion was shameful. 

 

This could have spilled out into my gender perspectives and marred things a little bit. That being said when I have no thought in mind it feels quite simple - I don't mind being female too much though if I had a choice, and to start over, I'd be male. Nothing to do with my history, but more of an ingrained feeling. I was meant to be male from the start anyway. But I am not suffering badlt from being female. I have just learnt to adjust my perspectives which has also made me more open minded and also made me realize that gender stereotyping is just, well, pretty silly actually. 

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