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Asexual People Can Be Perfectly Happy


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Recently, in Musings and Rantings, someone started a thread called "Heteroplatonic." Often when I see a new coin on AVEN (or I make one up myself), I use Google to see if anyone else had used it previously. (It turns out that there were two previous threads on AVEN where
"heteroplatonic" was used: one in 2006 and one in 2007.)

To my great surprise, I also found a bit about asexuality in an advice collumn from 1999, a couple of years before AVEN was even started (and about one year before Haven for the Human Amoeba was started.)

Asexual People Can Be Perfectly Happy

"Anybody Else Out There" described herself as "heteroplatonic . . . attracted more as friends to the opposite sex than to the same sex." She expressed a lack of interest in romance with either gender.

I am asexual, and have no interest in romance. I have close female and male friends who are either married or involved in romantic relationships. I have a great capacity for love and enjoy warm, rewarding relationships. My closest friends don't have any problem dealing with my "lack of orientation" (although we acknowledge a mutual sense of puzzlement at the other's lifestyles). Nor do I wear my lifestyle on my sleeve. Some people have proved incredibly nosy and questioned my romantic status ...

(Anybody Else Out There is name the asexual woman is using. The first bit is the advice collumnist and the second bit is the letter the asexual woman sent in. The rest of the article is available if you have a subscription (which, thanks to my university account, I do.)

Edit: Further reading through the uses of "heteroplatonic" on google found me what seems the be the original to which this was a response. Asexual, she's attracted to boys, not girls, as friends. It seems that the first one that I posted involves Anybody Else Out There's response as well as someone else's.




2015 Edit - For future reference, one of the columns can be found here and here:


Ask Beth
Posted May. 1, 1999 at 12:01 AM

She is attracted to males, but mostly in platonic way

Dear Beth I am heteroplatonic. I improvised the word to mean "attracted more as friends to the opposite sex than to the same sex." I'm a zillion times more comfortable with males than with females, although I'm not interested in romance with either. I'm 99 percent asexual and — percent heterosexual. I have female emotions (I cry and hate violence), neutral interests (psychology, nature, water sports), and a male social personality. I hate talking and am specific about whom I tell my problems to. I love being alone; I'm extremely independent; I hate gossip and rarely shop. I'm comfortable hanging out with guys because they're so much more easy-going and less intrusive. But this isn't dating. We don't act romantic. Women think it's weird. They say, "Why go out with males you don't like romantically?" Who set up these stupid rules? If I went bowling with my brother, they wouldn't call me incestuous. Why can't it be to each her own?

-- Anybody Else Out There?


It ultimately is "to each her own" because everyone is individual when it comes to sex and friendship. You may live in an area where people are particularly rigid about what females and males are supposed to be like. Fortunately, society in general is becoming more accepting of people and their differences. Try to expand your friendships so you're around people who don't judge you.

People vary tremendously in terms of their sexual desire. Sexual desire is influenced by sight, touch, hearing, smell, thoughts and emotions. The attractiveness of a partner or the nature of your relationship affects your sexual desire. Diminished or absent desire can happen to any female (or male) at any time. You may not have met anyone who "turned you on." You may find that when you meet the right person at another time in your life that you do become sexually interested.

Most people in their late teens have experienced some sexual desire. Total lack of sexual interest can have emotional or physical causes such as depression, early sexual abuse, not being attracted to your partner, hormonal imbalances, or side effects from certain medications like antidepressants. Treatment is usually available. If you feel you are missing out or your self-image suffers, consult with a gynecologist who will talk with you to determine the cause for your lack of desire and can suggest treatment.



Ask Beth
Posted Oct. 9, 1999 at 12:01 AM

Dear Beth "Anybody Else Out There" described herself as "heteroplatonic ... attracted more as friends to the opposite sex than to the same sex." She expressed a lack of interest in romance with either gender. I am asexual, and have no interest in romance. I have close female and male friends who are either married or involved in romantic relationships.

I have a great capacity for love and enjoy warm, rewarding relationships. My closest friends don't have any problem dealing with my "lack of orientation" (although we acknowledge a mutual sense of puzzlement at the other's lifestyles). Nor do I wear my lifestyle on my sleeve. Some people have proven incredibly nosy and questioned my romantic status with such vigor that the truth, ultimately, has been revealed. Then, the unkind words. Others have said there's "something in my body language" that makes them suspect that I am gay, or unusual in some sexual way -- because few people give a thought to people being asexual unless they are priests.

Anyway, I just wanted "Anybody" to realize that there are other people like her. I don't think platonic friendship or platonic love is unhealthy. I find it to be the most rewarding kind of relationship in the world.

-- Who Needs Romance?

Our society is so rigidly sexualized that the notion that people's sexual desires and preferences are individual and various seems too complex to handle. (Basically, all we ever see are males and females lusting continuously after each other.) Sadly, people who don't match the projected "norm" are made to feel that there is something wrong with them. We see and hear so rarely from real people like you, who without flaunting it let us know sensitively about their complex drives and feelings. Thank you for writing.

Dear Beth Only a specialist in transgendered issues could truly help "Anybody Else Out There" explore where her true problem might lie. It breaks my heart to hear just how much like me she sounded; how confused and defensive. It may take her years before she comes to grips with whatever causes her to be "different," but at least an appropriate practitioner could be recommended that could help her solve her problems sooner.
Many girls like her waste large portions of their life thinking something's wrong with them because they don't "act like girls" before discovering that their inner beings are actually male and take steps to put themselves at peace with their bodies, and find a comfortable social role they can live with other than the rigid one society forces on them. I hope you can suggest this therapy as an option.

-- Transgendered And No Longer Confused

"Anybody Else Out There" did not express discomfort with being female She just wanted her asexuality to be accepted.
Thank you for reminding me to advise anyone who feels troubled about their sexuality to seek counseling, after ruling out any medical problems.
A good counselor would help "Anybody Else Out There" express all her feelings; if she is transgendered, this would surface, too. Counseling would also help her learn to cope more comfortably with other people's expectations.
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That's really interesting, thanks mandrewliter! It's a bit sad to see that they suggest she hasn't 'met the right person' and they stress the medical elements, however I found it positive that they suggested she seek help only if she's feeling that she's missing out. From what 'Anybody Else Out There' says, it seems like she's totally happy with her life, which is really encouraging. I just wish we could find out if 'Anybody Else Out There' ever discovered AVEN when it was created, and found out that there ARE other people out there. It makes me appreciate this community even more by seeing how hard it must have been to feel alone and as if you were the only one.

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Cool! I always like seeing pre-AVEN nods to asexuality.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think 1999 was when I found the article by Zoe O'Reilly, reprinted here. That was when I was first questioning myself. I was looking for that article again in 2004 when I came across AVEN.

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Shadow girl

Yeah you can be happy as an asexual. Heck I am.

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