AVENCakes Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I didn't want to be pressured to participate. This is big for me. I don't mena don't ask- but letting them know you'd like it, and they shouldn't feel obligated to do it is a big help. If someone made me feel pressured, it'd put the brakes on full stop for me. As I said, there's a big difference between asking and pressuring, so long as asking doesn't turn into pestering. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 He's here with me right now (has been for 3 weeks). I promised that I wouldn't pressure him with the sex stuff and I haven't. He gets very uncomfortable talking anything sex related. I guess what I really don't understand is why he doesn't offer to pleasure me (in other ways rather than intercourse, oral). He knows from past visits that I'm sexual and enjoy orgasms. If the shoe were on the other foot and I wasn't interested in sexual stuff, I would do something to make my partner happy (at least once in awhile). I'm really trying to understand. I really am. I just can't help feeling undesired. I miss the bond that an intimate sexual closeness brings with the one you love. I'm not interested in sex outside a loving relationship, so that is not an option. There is a link missing and I'm just so confused. Something that bothers me immensely is that I really don't know for a fact that he IS asexual. I just couldn't handle it if he was gay in denial. (he does have several effeminate characteristics). But how am I to know for sure if he doesn't want to talk about it? I should be so happy that he is here, but I just end up sad and more confused than ever and don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 He's here with me right now (has been for 3 weeks). I promised that I wouldn't pressure him with the sex stuff and I haven't. He gets very uncomfortable talking anything sex related. I guess what I really don't understand is why he doesn't offer to pleasure me (in other ways rather than intercourse, oral). He knows from past visits that I'm sexual and enjoy orgasms. If the shoe were on the other foot and I wasn't interested in sexual stuff, I would do something to make my partner happy (at least once in awhile). I think you need to work on getting him comfortable talking about it- because otherwise you're flying a bit blind. You're assuming he's asexual, you're assuming there's not another reason he's uncomfortable, it sounds like you're assuming a lot- and that's not really helping things. Communication is the only way to know how he actually feels. And without it, on both sides, you're not going to get anywhere. Telling him your interests, wants, and desires isn't going to get too far if he doesn't communicate his limits, feelings, etc. Assuming he is asexual: It's hard for asexuals to remember to- if you don't have a desire you can forget someone else does, especially when you're new to dealing with it. You also have to ask yourself how uncomfortable he is. It's not that, shoe being on the other foot, you aren't sexual or interested in it. It's that you're uncomfortable with it. You have a hard time talking about it, anything relating to it. Think about something you really don't like talking about. Maybe it's something you don't like talking about with a person- it doesn't matter. Now think about actually doing that thing you don't like talking about with the person you're uncomfortable talking about it with. How easy a time will you have offering to do it for them wheny ou don't have to? Link to post Share on other sites
SilverCandleKid Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 that doesn't sound offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
fungeki Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Wow I wondered this too. I'm sexual but a little to young to go out and buy a vibrator lolz. My gf is asexual and I love her very much. We've only been together as a couple for three months but we've been great friends for three years. I know I'm young but I know a little bit about relationships. You need communication. Did you guys communicate well before talking about sex? if not there's a communication problems right there. you need a strong foundation before building anything. And its nice that you listen to him but maybe you should voice your concern. Using "I" statements is always good, it sounds less like blaming. Try saying something like "When ever you..... I feel......" if he clamps up then I don't think you can get a very fulfilling relationship. or you could try explaining that you want to understand him better and would like to see his point of view. You could always bring up sexual/LGBT issues too and see if he's comfortable with those. You guys have your whole relationship ahead of you. it might be a difficult time but the people that stay together forever made it through the thick and thin; its up to you BOTH if you wanna be one of those relationships. Remember this is advice, from a teenager non the less lol, feel free to take it or not I won't be insulted. I wish you guys the best of luck. And I hope you can both meet a happy compromise~! Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hey fungeki, great advice! I'm truly impressed to hear this from a teenager. Kudos to you! Our communcation has been sorely lacking because he just does not want to talk about such things. I'm going to gently try to get him to open up. Without communcation, I don't think our relationship will work. Not talking about these matters is just making matters worse (at least for me). Best of luck to you, too! Link to post Share on other sites
ChaliceFlame Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 If I was in a relationship with a sexual, I don't think I'd care. I'm saying in theory since it's awfully difficult for me to get into a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 If the shoe were on the other foot and I wasn't interested in sexual stuff, I would do something to make my partner happy (at least once in awhile). I don't think it would be so helpful to try to see stuff from your point of view. he is not you. you must understand this fact first. he is not you. to keep thinking like that might hinder you from understanding him better. remember. he is not you. Try saying something like "When ever you..... I feel......" (fungeki) this is indeed a great way to communicate your feelings and mostly it may work. but sometimes it may not. if someone you love tells you that whenever you watch tv they feel neglected and sad, not just once or twice, not casually, how do you think you would feel? you might catch the message that they are wanting you to do something to ease their pain. the bigger problem in your relationship, I think, is not the absence of sex but the lack of communication regarding sex. no matter how you try you only hear your own voice echoed back to you. imagine talking to the wall in your room for 72 hours straight. if you are doing it out of love, the love is too costly. your love is so beautiful. amazingly beautiful. but I think it's too beautiful to be part of this world. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 the bigger problem in your relationship, I think, is not the absence of sex but the lack of communication regarding sex. no matter how you try you only hear your own voice echoed back to you. imagine talking to the wall in your room for 72 hours straight. if you are doing it out of love, the love is too costly. Exactly! What happens if this lack of communication continues? Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 the bigger problem in your relationship, I think, is not the absence of sex but the lack of communication regarding sex. no matter how you try you only hear your own voice echoed back to you. imagine talking to the wall in your room for 72 hours straight. if you are doing it out of love, the love is too costly. Exactly! What happens if this lack of communication continues? What do you think would happen if you talk to the wall for 72 hours? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 My BF has opened up to me, saying he believes that he is asexual and that sex never really interested him. My heart is so happy because he is very willing to try things to make our relationship work. I love him very much and, of course, will repect his boundaries. Thanks for the helpful comments everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Forensic Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 My BF has opened up to me, saying he believes that he is asexual and that sex never really interested him. My heart is so happy because he is very willing to try things to make our relationship work. I love him very much and, of course, will repect his boundaries.Thanks for the helpful comments everyone. I'm glad to hear that he's opening up a bit, that certainly will help things. *crossing my fingers that things work out to the best of their abilities* Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 My BF has opened up to me, saying he believes that he is asexual and that sex never really interested him. My heart is so happy because he is very willing to try things to make our relationship work. I love him very much and, of course, will repect his boundaries.Thanks for the helpful comments everyone. That's good. :) I hope you can continue communicating, and that this is an indication that he's going to start opening up further! This can work out, but you're right that communication is necessary for it to happen, as it is in any relationship. My BF has opened up to me, saying he believes that he is asexual and that sex never really interested him. My heart is so happy because he is very willing to try things to make our relationship work. I love him very much and, of course, will repect his boundaries.Thanks for the helpful comments everyone. That's good. :) I hope you can continue communicating, and that this is an indication that he's going to start opening up further! This can work out, but you're right that communication is necessary for it to happen, as it is in any relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 My BF has opened up to me, saying he believes that he is asexual and that sex never really interested him. My heart is so happy because he is very willing to try things to make our relationship work. I love him very much and, of course, will repect his boundaries.Thanks for the helpful comments everyone. that's really great, LadyLongLocks! please have some . try imagining yourself living in a foreign country where you've never been, that you've never heard of, never read about.. never seen in any dream.. never! missing your hometown will bring you more sadness than delight. you chose to leave your hometown. thinking about things you did in your native country and keeping comparing things will leave you with nothing but frustration and disappointment. it is important you be aware where you are now and what you can and can't have in this place during your stay. so, now, the first thing you will have to do would be.. learn the local language, A. keep your language English in a box until the time you need to use it comes. instead of just saying "I am excited!" ask them and learn how to express this feeling or convey this meaning in the language A. another thing is.. look around.. to find something that really makes you happy that they can give you. and focus on.. only on what you can get. you know what's the good thing about being in a place where water is scarce? you can learn how one or two drops of water can make you happy. the smallest thing can bring you the biggest happiness. those may not be easy though.. and when you feel it's just too much don't spend too much time before deciding to fly back to your homeland. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Kallan Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I don't think I could deal with it. For many asexuals sex compromises the intimacy of a moment, and of a relationship. For me kissing and cuddling are intimate and I enjoy it immensely, but when sexual arousal enters into it, the intimacy feels like it vanishes. When I'm together with a partner and he or she gets aroused I feel an immediate disconnect, this is an especially strong shock to my system when it comes during a moment of feeling strongly connected. Though of course, you should ask him. I must say good work on keeping the dialogue open and understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 Kallan, after reading your post I can understand how you don't think you could deal with it. Having said that, I am now feeling more and more, that as a sexual, I don't think I can deal with it either. Being in love with someone and having an intimate sexual relationship go hand in hand for me. It makes me sad to think they aren't feeling the same way and that I have to guide them along the way. Doing a lot of thinking here.... Link to post Share on other sites
SweetSong Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Definitely work on communication, and definitely ask him about it and get his opinion on the matter. However, I'd be delicate in how you approach it. Maybe try an angle where you explain you're trying to make you both happy - you're sexual and need (at least some) of the sexual end of it, but he's asexual and doesn't want it. Realistically, a vibrator would be a good compromise (providing he's not one to be repulsed by sex). If you approach it as trying to find a middle ground instead of as "fixing" a "problem", you might be more successful. It's great that he's open to the idea of him being asexual though; although asexuality isn't a "problem", it can take some adjusting to. Once he becomes secure in his asexuality (if that is indeed how he is and chooses to identify), you may find that he will become more willing to talk and compromise. I know that before I recognized my asexuality, I felt extremely awkward in any discussion that even remotely involved sex or sexual things. Now that I've acknowledged it, I'm much more comfortable (still a little awkward, but actually, maybe more interested) when talking about the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
dash Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Personally, I would be very uncomfortable with it. I have absolutely no problem with my wife using a vibrator or taking care of business herself, it doesn't raise any negative feelings in me...I just want to be as far away as possible from everything sexual. In other words, I'm ok with it as long as I'm not there. Thanks for explaining that to me. The thing is this: I can use a vibrator any time, but by myself it just isn't very fulfilling. I want to feel more of an intimate connection with my guy. I feel as if someone makes me a delicious dessert which I can smell and get all excited about, but then I'm not permitted to eat it. :( First of all as a disclaimer this is of course between you and him and the opinion of one asexual person does not in any way substitute for that of another. That said, I think it depends on a lot of things. Some asexual people are grossed out by sex, and others are indifferent. If he's grossed out by sex, then watching you do that might really make him uncomfortable. One response might be, as someone said here, "Hey, you want to do that, great, just make sure I'm not involved and I don't have to see it." I know other people use the restroom like I do, I just don't want to watch it go on. It's that "OK, you gotta do this, go take care of your needs and then we can go back to being cool together" mindset. But you're in that "delicious dessert" mindset instead, where he is involved- using the vibrator is a substitute for <b>him</b> in the context where you would be wanting sex with <b>him</b>, so it's not just about some physical needs -- it's proxy sex. This I would think would be the issue, not the vibrator (or masturbating, or anything else like that, it doesn't matter). I personally would have an issue with proxy sex. It's gross + I failed my partner by not being interested/finding this gross + now the only way partner is going to be happy is by doing this in front of me AND my having some positive (or at least neutral) reaction to it. (Because if you know he finds it gross, it's not fun for you anymore, is it?) It would feel to me like "I don't want to be doing that so my partner has to get me involved in their enjoying pretending they're doing that with me." As in, "Lie there and don't be offended I am having sex with this piece of plastic and not you." Not how sexual people generally think, I know, I know. I'd be worried about secretions on the bedsheets. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
slant Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 I think that might actually help if someone whipped out a vibrator while making out with me, or cudding, etc. I've never been a position like that before, but I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it. The thing about my asexuality is just that I'm not sexually attracted to either gender, and the appeal of sex is very dim in my eyes. It doesn't mean that I don't think others shouldn't value their sex, and I'd bend over backwards for the right kind of person trying to figure out what works best for them. I actually have no problem doing sexual things to others- it's just that the actual act of sex or being advanced at sexually doesn't do anything for me, it makes me feel more bored than anything else. But if the other person derives satisfaction from such things, hey, what do I have to complain about? As long as I'm not forced into anything I don't want to do, I'm chill with it. Link to post Share on other sites
ekr0013 Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Personally, it would offend me because I simply want no part of sex itself, whether or not I'm physically involved. I would just be freaked out and turned off if my spouse actually did that. I agree with other posters here, I have no problem if they want to meet their needs on their own, I just don't want a part in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow_Girl Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I asked my AS other half about this, she says she would have no problem with it, she feels she would rather be a part of my enjoyment (even if not physcally) as opposed to me doing it alone in a room by myself isolated and feeling like its something to ba ashaed of.... I agree with other posters, and i can vouch with my own relationship that communication is the key! Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jin Kisaragi Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 I'm not romantic, but it would obvious what you're focusing on... Link to post Share on other sites
Megan140 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 [quote name='LadyLongLocks' date='May 13 2009, 04:52 PM' post='1278258' My question is this: Would you, as an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, be offended if your partner wanted to use a vibrator while the two of you cuddled and kissed in bed? You wouldn't even have to touch the vibrator. Thanks for any responses! If I had a sexual boyfriend I wouldn't even mind at all. hell, he might even be able to talk me into letting him go for one night stands and that crap. Best to ask him though. I'm sure he'll understand that you do have a sex drive and do need something. Maybe you two can even come to a compromise of sorts. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLongLocks Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Huge update! My boyfriend and I have talked about this and other subjects in length. He said he would love to stimulate me himself if I tell him where I would like to be touched and if he cannot stimulate me enough to use the vibrator by all means! Link to post Share on other sites
happylife Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 wow! that's a real... "wow"!!! I am very happy for you!!!! :D I'm glad to hear that he said he'd be doing that for you. certainly this means he is taking your needs seriously enough and that's a significant progress! which is something I think you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 wow! that's a real... "wow"!!! I am very happy for you!!!! :D I'm glad to hear that he said he'd be doing that for you. certainly this means he is taking your needs seriously enough and that's a significant progress! which is something I think you deserve. Hear! Hear! :) Link to post Share on other sites
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