Would this offend you as an asexual?

[LadyLongLocks]

I'm a sexual woman in a long distance relationship with a man who I believe is asexual. After talking with him about sexual matters (which was very awkward for him), the last thing he said was "Can a person be sexless? I just don't have any interest in it."

He is very romantic, loves to hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle and even french kiss (which I love!) He has been to visit me three times, since we are a very long distance from each other, but the stays were lengthy. During the day, he is extremely affectionate, but once we would get into bed together, I felt as if I had the plague. Even though I am sexual, my sex drive is extremely low, so the majority of time in the bedroom I just wanted to cuddle up with him. When that didn't happen, I was confused and felt sad and undesired. I gently brought up this subject on his last visit and asked him if he felt uneasy in bed with me because he feared that any touching would mean I wanted sex. He said yes, so I promised that I would not pressure him for sex on his next visit and he was quite happy and said he would love to cuddle with me.

My question is this: Would you, as an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, be offended if your partner wanted to use a vibrator while the two of you cuddled and kissed in bed? You wouldn't even have to touch the vibrator.

Thanks for any responses!

[Sally]

I think you need to ask him. He's the one you're having the relationship with.

[happylife]

My question is this: Would you, as an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, be offended if your partner wanted to use a vibrator while the two of you cuddled and kissed in bed? You wouldn't even have to touch the vibrator.

if I was an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, and he wanted to use a vibrator,, I don't think I would be offended. though I'm not all that romantic I am not a cold-hearted selfish person. I would know what I couldn't give to the person I care about. the sexual person's wanting to get aid from outside would be hardly offensive to me. it would be processed as a legitimate request. not offended, definitely, but just.. a little.. uncomfortable..

but well that's just me. a lot of a-s couples employ various methods to overcome the small but critical gap in their differing orientations and successfully maintain their relationships. I am certainly not the best person you can ask that question because I profoundly dislike cuddling and kissing and don't have much interest in getting into a relationship with a sexual. BUT he's different, I mean, he loves cuddling and kissing. his response might be completely different from mine?? :)

[AVENCakes]

He's the perosn you should ask, different people have different limits. Some would be fine with that- some wouldn't. I don't know if he'd be offended, I don't think I would- but it's an odd question.

[LadyLongLocks]

He's the perosn you should ask, different people have different limits. Some would be fine with that- some wouldn't. I don't know if he'd be offended, I don't think I would- but it's an odd question.

I will ask him, just wanted to get some other views. He is so shy and has trouble communicating at all about sexual matters. I don't think it's an odd question. In a sexual/sexual relationship, the male partner may take offense because it's making a statement in a way that he can't satisfy with an erection, intimate touching, etc. I am trying hard to understand how my guy is thinking because he just isn't telling me.

[daveb]

I think you should be commended for seeking answers and being mindful of his feelings. As others have said, he's the one you should be asking. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be offended if it were me, but I can't speak for anyone else.

Best wishes! :)

[happylife]

I will ask him, just wanted to get some other views. He is so shy and has trouble communicating at all about sexual matters. I don't think it's an odd question. In a sexual/sexual relationship, the male partner may take offense because it's making a statement in a way that he can't satisfy with an erection, intimate touching, etc. I am trying hard to understand how my guy is thinking because he just isn't telling me.

if I'm more honest, my partner's wanting something other than what I can offer would arouse some negative feelings in me. it's not flattering in any way. but I would still be hesitant to say I'd take offense. it would be more of sadness.. frustration about things no one can do anything about.. or anger toward myself.. sharing something with someone else often requires a decent amount of sacrifice. you may experience discomfort when you start to share a room with a friend that you didn't have to when you were keeping your room all to yourself. he's chosen to be with you and you've decided to share some portion of your life with him despite the differences. what would keep you from asking him for concessions and yourself for understanding if he is reluctant? good luck!!!

[Masquerade]

As everyone else has said, you should ask him. Communication is a key factor in any relationship, but it's especially important when there are sexual boundaries. Even if it's awkward for him, explain that you don't mean to make him uncomfortable; you just want things to work out and to make sure he is happy.

I am asexual and I am currently in a relationship with a sexual person. If my SO said she wanted to use a vibrator while we cuddled and kissed, it would definitely stir up some negative feelings. I wouldn't be offended so much as sad, discouraged, and disappointed -- I would feel inadequate knowing I couldn't provide enough affection to satisfy her. But that's just me personally. Others have said they wouldn't mind; the important thing is that you be really open and discuss everything with your partner.

for you! It's so wonderful that you're being so considerate of his feelings.

[LadyLongLocks]

As everyone else has said, you should ask him. Communication is a key factor in any relationship, but it's especially important when there are sexual boundaries. Even if it's awkward for him, explain that you don't mean to make him uncomfortable; you just want things to work out and to make sure he is happy.

I am asexual and I am currently in a relationship with a sexual person. If my SO said she wanted to use a vibrator while we cuddled and kissed, it would definitely stir up some negative feelings. I wouldn't be offended so much as sad, discouraged, and disappointed -- I would feel inadequate knowing I couldn't provide enough affection to satisfy her. But that's just me personally. Others have said they wouldn't mind; the important thing is that you be really open and discuss everything with your partner.

for you! It's so wonderful that you're being so considerate of his feelings.

Thank you! I'm trying hard to gently communicate with him. He either clams up or says that maybe he's not the one for me. I want to work this out. It's a bit frustrating since we are both in our 50's and I feel that as adults we should be able to discuss this openly. I love him very much and accept him as he is. But don't I deserve to be accepted as I am, too?

[mort paradis]

Personally, I would be very uncomfortable with it. I have absolutely no problem with my wife using a vibrator or taking care of business herself, it doesn't raise any negative feelings in me...I just want to be as far away as possible from everything sexual. In other words, I'm ok with it as long as I'm not there.

Yes, you do have the right to be accepted as who you are. I think that him saying that he's not the right one for you stems from insecurity either about himself or about the relationship in general. As for clamming up about it...it could just be that discussing anything sexual is just uncomfortable for him, or that he is scared of how you will react...it's probably not from wanting to be uncooperative. Being uncomfortable, or scared, or insecure doesn't mean that he does not accept you as a sexual being. For most asexual/sexual relationships..it revolves around compromising, from both parties. It takes a lot of patience and communication, and sometimes trial and error. But, if he is asexual, and can't participate in sexual activities for whatever reasons (for example, with me I have a breakdown if I try to do something overtly sexual), it doesn't mean that he doesn't accept you, it just means that it is something that he /cant/ do.

[Guest (?)]

Personally for some Asexuals if you were to pull out a vibrator they would see that as a "I'm ready to go" momment, it really is a personal thing

Personally I would have no issue if a partner was a sexual or low sexed Asexual and they wished to pleasure themself which may sound odd but I am middle aged and have had children so clearly at some time in the past I have had sex

When I have it has ALWAYS been to make some I care for happy but in my mind it isn't sex it's like a trip, it is planned to the enth degree without a single sexual/personal or emotive momment for me in it what's so ever.

Of course you deserve to have an input..saying I am asexual so you must accept me I feel is a very selfish one sided stance. it's simple if your are not prepared to accept a partner may be different to you why are you in any relationship. You must, even if you do not agree respect there is two points of view

he is going onto the back foot when you raise this because either..he feels akward, hasn't explained himself properly, isn't that fussed or all of the above.

As always communication will see this work or fail. ask him what he is and isn't comfortable with, then tell him what your comfortable with and try and find a meeting point. ultimately it will work or it won't

[LadyLongLocks]

Personally, I would be very uncomfortable with it. I have absolutely no problem with my wife using a vibrator or taking care of business herself, it doesn't raise any negative feelings in me...I just want to be as far away as possible from everything sexual. In other words, I'm ok with it as long as I'm not there.

Thanks for explaining that to me. The thing is this: I can use a vibrator any time, but by myself it just isn't very fulfilling. I want to feel more of an intimate connection with my guy. I feel as if someone makes me a delicious dessert which I can smell and get all excited about, but then I'm not permitted to eat it. :(

[LadyLongLocks]

As always communication will see this work or fail. ask him what he is and isn't comfortable with, then tell him what your comfortable with and try and find a meeting point. ultimately it will work or it won't

Thank you! I will take your advice. I truly hope it works out.

[ProdeFemme]

Well good on you for being understanding & trying to find a middle ground, that's always awesome to read :D

I personally, side right around where Conri is. I wouldn't be offended per se, but I would not be comfortable with the idea. Simply because sex is so much more then just the act of intercourse; the situation itself you are describing is still quite sexual, so it would really depend on your partners comfort level regarding sexuality. It's a very personal thing though, some aces are ok right up to intercourse and some are repulsed at so much as a kiss; and there's someone to cover every point in between. Though if he enjoys things like a cuddle, that's a good direction.

However, I must admit, on a scale of compromise I do not think yours is bad idea at all. It's a part of yourself you want to share with someone you care about, and you are trying to find a suitable way to do it. He is lucky to have found someone who is so understanding and considerate of his person!

I wish the both of you much luck & hope you guys find a middle ground where everyone can be comfy and happy

[LimeTreeArbour]

i think i would; but it is nice that you are trying to work around things

[Sally]

I want to feel more of an intimate connection with my guy. I feel as if someone makes me a delicious dessert which I can smell and get all excited about, but then I'm not permitted to eat it. :(

That's where you have to determine whether a compromise is possible. Don't put in terms of a vibrator per se; the question is whether your guy can tolerate you eating the "dessert" -- whatever the dessert is -- with him around. He probably doesn't think of it as a dessert, or anything he wants. That's your feeling, not his. Perhaps you should go at it from his point of view, rather than the vibrator (your) point of view.

[happylife]

I want to feel more of an intimate connection with my guy. I feel as if someone makes me a delicious dessert which I can smell and get all excited about, but then I'm not permitted to eat it. :(

That's where you have to determine whether a compromise is possible. Don't put in terms of a vibrator per se; the question is whether your guy can tolerate you eating the "dessert" -- whatever the dessert is -- with him around. He probably doesn't think of it as a dessert, or anything he wants. That's your feeling, not his. Perhaps you should go at it from his point of view, rather than the vibrator (your) point of view.

eating the dessert might mean using a vibrator or having vaginal intercourse. but I think it could also mean feeling his body, closeness, his love, being together and so on while feeling sexual pleasure. either way, it would suck.. if you are not allowed to.. :(

[crazychick18]

umm... I'm not even into cuddling much but I think I would be severly turned off if a guy I was cuddling with started masterbating in bed. It really sounds like an individual thing, so you wont know until you ask though. I WOULD wait awhile to ask, or you might really freak him out. It would suck if he got so freaked he didnt want to cuddle, or even be with you anymore, and that is a distinct possibility. Its great that you're being so considerate of him, and I really wish more people were that thoughtful. I would just try keep that part of your life separate from him if I were you, since it sounds like you really love him and don't want to upset him.

[Hetty_Person]

I was in a long distance relationship in this exact same situation. I know exactly what your feeling. It can be very confusing, when someone says in one breath how much they love and care for you and in the next they make you feel like; as you so succintly put it; like you have the plague.

That feeling, it doesn't go away. With me it ate away at my self esteem, my confidence, my self image and left me a very empty withdrawn emotionally shattered wreck.

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, you need to try and get it out in the open straight away and work towards a resolution. Don't let the time go by suffering in silence as I did.

[CreakyKeegan]

I can only imagine how this feels as a sexual being. D;.

It probably feels just as bad as someone even mentioning a tiny thought of wanting to have sex with me.

It utterly confuses me first. "Why would they want to do that?"

Then I get nervous and it's horrid, with thoughts like "Are they trying to hurt me?", "Why would they want to hurt me?"

Then I get scared and withdrawn.

I'm very relationship bipolar, though. D;. You are walking on serious eggshells in my relationships - if you even bring up sex I can become a total cold-hearted horrendous monster of a person.

I would assume, instead of this happening to the sexual (With not having sex), it would be pretty much the same thing.

"Why don't they want to have sex with me?"

"Are they trying to hurt me?", "Why would they want to hurt me?"

Then instead of scared and withdrawn though, they probably get depressed and upset.

Being tormented by thoughts of, "Am I not good enough for them?", "Are they cheating on me?"

... It's scary for both people.

Maybe you should talk more about your feelings about it. Not pushing it, but mention deeper feelings? :)

[Guest Heligan]

Yeah as others have said you definately need to ask him.

However this is a guy that didnt want to cuddle in case you then wanted sexual stuff... I think you may have to take it slow bringing up sexual release in his presence... seems to me he is scared of the 'slippery slope' and how big a step is it from just let me take care of myself with you just there- to 'you dont have to touch me yourself just prod me with this device'. etc etc

Certainly you shoulddnt let fears like that put you off talking about stuff, but just try to find out first what his prior experiences are and what he is scared off, if you bring up your needs and wants first you maybe smashing into old wounds without realising it.

I dont think its offense you necessarily need to be worried about, more scaring him off entirely... he quite possibly already has doubts about if a romantic relationship is really possibly between a sexual and asexual (and if he really wants to put himself through it all again). Reassuring him of that is probably the thing that should be your number one priority, after that he maybe much more flexible... but its hard to say. I could be projecting my own issues onto this, Im trying not to and just go from his cuddling restriction stuff.

I think you need to talk not about sex, but about past relationships, how they ended what was good and bad etc.... let the issues come out gradually. If its always sex issues that ended his relationships, and he has had a lot of sad endings, thats scarring for anyone (but maybe more so for asexuals- who cant just learn from it- we can just learn to be sexual).

[Haunter]

Offended - no, just grossed out a little, if it was the person I really loved. But, as most have said, you should talk to him about it.

[RainbowJoy]

I'm a sexual woman in a long distance relationship with a man who I believe is asexual. After talking with him about sexual matters (which was very awkward for him), the last thing he said was "Can a person be sexless? I just don't have any interest in it."

He is very romantic, loves to hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle and even french kiss (which I love!) He has been to visit me three times, since we are a very long distance from each other, but the stays were lengthy. During the day, he is extremely affectionate, but once we would get into bed together, I felt as if I had the plague. Even though I am sexual, my sex drive is extremely low, so the majority of time in the bedroom I just wanted to cuddle up with him. When that didn't happen, I was confused and felt sad and undesired. I gently brought up this subject on his last visit and asked him if he felt uneasy in bed with me because he feared that any touching would mean I wanted sex. He said yes, so I promised that I would not pressure him for sex on his next visit and he was quite happy and said he would love to cuddle with me.

My question is this: Would you, as an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, be offended if your partner wanted to use a vibrator while the two of you cuddled and kissed in bed? You wouldn't even have to touch the vibrator.

Thanks for any responses!

It seems like you respect his boundaries and feelings

I wouldn't find that offensive at all, especially in a loving relationship. However, a common problem and fear that asexuals have in relationships with sexuals is that they initially say that they will not pressure you for sex etc, but then they betray their words by slowly increasing the pressure, whether knowingly or not. But as long as he knows that you respect his boundaries and feelings, he won't have to be fearful of this slippery slope.

Good luck!

[AVENCakes]

That's something I hadn't considered, sorry. If you only just got him to cuddle like that, on the promise it wouldn't become sexual, straight out asking too soon after that could endanger it. I'm not saying you shouldn't bring it up- far from! It's very possible he'll be okay with it, but trying to move too fast from cuddlng nonsexually to cuddling while you pleasure yourself could make him feel like you'll start pressuring further and pull back.

I think Heligan has the right idea. :)

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, you need to try and get it out in the open straight away and work towards a resolution. Don't let the time go by suffering in silence as I did.

It doesn't sound like they're suffering in silence. They're communicating with their partner, they're trying to identify what causes them problems and discussing it with their partner to get their needs fulfilled- and even has the foresight to ask advice from people like him rather than blindly rushing in without considering how he might take it. Why would anyone suffer in silence rather than let their partner know that it's a problem and try to find a way to work it out? Communication is the basis of a healthy relationship- not suffering in silence for your partner's/the relationship's "sake".

[Hetty_Person]

It doesn't sound like they're suffering in silence. They're communicating with their partner, they're trying to identify what causes them problems and discussing it with their partner to get their needs fulfilled- and even has the foresight to ask advice from people like him rather than blindly rushing in without considering how he might take it. Why would anyone suffer in silence rather than let their partner know that it's a problem and try to find a way to work it out? Communication is the basis of a healthy relationship- not suffering in silence for your partner's/the relationship's "sake".

Believe me, in my particular situation the lines of communication were open, we spent 3 years trying to find a solution to the problem, but I'm very sad to say a solution never presented itself. I could've chosen my words more carefully, it's just when I read LadyLongLocks post in particular the plague reference it just brought so many sad depressing memories flooding back. :( I really hope they can work it out. :)

[< retired >]

My question is this: Would you, as an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, be offended if your partner wanted to use a vibrator while the two of you cuddled and kissed in bed? You wouldn't even have to touch the vibrator.

I've slept with sexual women who have masturbated while in bed with me. I've always tried to "help out" during the process, but have always felt a little ridiculous while doing so. However, I did not (and don't) believe that I have any right to deny my bedmate her sexual relief if there's a simple solution available. Most sexual women I've known wouldn't find this menage a trois satisfactory as a long-term solution, so I'd be delighted to find a nice sexual woman who could make it work. :)

[Bellerophon]

I don't think it would make any difference if it was your vibrator or my penis. I would still feel awkward about the whole thing.

However, that is me. Keep talking things through and hopefully you'll find a way to get everything worked out.

[PrairieGhost]

I think it's so great that you are so understanding of him and his mindset. As others have already said, you have to ask him, but I can tell you that before I developed a sexual attraction to my partner, I was more than happy to gratify him--I just had no interest in it myself, and I didn't want to be pressured to participate. If it makes you happy, he may be quite willing to allow it, but it may make him feel awkward and embarrassed. It may be worth trying to find out if there is a way he can participate in your gratification without him doing anything sexual himself. Explain it as sort of the equivalent of a back or foot massage--the giver doesn't really enjoy it the way the receiver does, but the one giving the massage is made happier because the recipient is happier.

The important thing to make clear to him is that you don't expect him to have sex with you--you just want his presence (and possibly a minimal amount of participation) to fulfill your psychological need as a sexual to feel intimate with your partner.

[QueenOfSwords]

I'm a romantic asexual in a very long term relationship with a sexual (who also has a pretty low sex drive). Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), asexuals are a varied lot. Some will deal with a range of sexual behaviours from their SOs, while some don't even want to think about it.

I agree with everyone else's statements here; that communication is the key. Especially if your friend is only just starting to explore his own feelings. Being patient and understanding will assist, but it is also important to keep the lines of communication flowing in both directions. Getting my SO to discuss feelings about sex is tricky at the best of times, and when I was exploring my own feelings it would have been easier if I'd known what he thought and felt too.

Talk to him; tell him how you feel and what you need too. Your needs are just as important and if you both discuss how you are feeling it might help come to a mutual common ground.

And perhaps send him along to AVEN; the peace of mind that just knowing you aren't alone can bring is invaluable.

[carried in bags]

i was once in similar situation. i ended up in a long distance relationship, at that stage in my life i just classed myself as having a 'low sex drive'. my girlfriend asked if she could us a vibrator for when i wasnt there. i told her i would be offended if she was to use one - i was in a depressive state at the time, so i probably want in the most willing of moods.

i also had another girlfriend who i went about before the above, who told me she had 2 vibrators and some love eggs. i wasnt really bothered about this one. i cant remember what i said to her about it...

so a bit of muffled confusion there...

but speak to him about it, if your both honest about your feelings im sure you can both work something out