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heteroplatonic


Cynicus

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I had a moment of inspirational genius, and no Monk, that wasn't a shock (:P)

This moment came in the form of a single word, heteroplatonic, i decided that this far better describes me than heteroromantic.

This is mostly due to the fact that while i do get infatuated now and then, contemplating the possibility of a relationship seems weird, and restrictive.

Instead, i have the urge to find someone whom to apotheosize within my own little world, and wrap my arms around them and protect them from the bad things of the world.

This may sound romantic, but the key difference here is that, to me it isn't.

Anyhoo, i figured this out quite recently, and figured i'd put this here and see if anyone identifies.

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I form friendships with girls much easier than with guys, and they're much likelier to be close too, not just deep bonds, but also more regular, plain deep friendships.

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The Evil Cashew

Someone directed me to something on wikipedia once that might be a bit like this... let me see if i can find it...

dammit.. what was it...

Cash

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... :unsure: ....

how did you do THAT?? You managed to actually phrase what I had been thinking the last month!!!

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So.... genderqueer-leaning panplatonic? heh, that sounds weird.

I don't know if that fits me more than romantic or not. But it might explain why I've had a nasty time figuring out if I'm romatnci or aromantic.

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It's nice to see my random idea describes so many other people, maybe i coined a term here? O.o

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Regal Lager
This is mostly due to the fact that while i do get infatuated now and then, contemplating the possibility of a relationship seems weird, and restrictive.

Yeah I can get this. I don't really become infatuated too often, but in my head sometimes I think I should try being in a relationship or at least dating (since I'm 24 and haven't done either). But then the idea of being in a relationship with someone seems like I'd be losing my individuality becoming a we not a me thing, and losing my freedom. Maybe it really isn't like that. All I know is I'm not interested in sex, or in romance and I like being alone sometimes but also being close to someone sometimes. I can confuse myself with what I want and what I think I might want but I'm not sure if I want.

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Yeah I can get this. I don't really become infatuated too often, but in my head sometimes I think I should try being in a relationship or at least dating (since I'm 24 and haven't done either). But then the idea of being in a relationship with someone seems like I'd be losing my individuality becoming a we not a me thing, and losing my freedom. Maybe it really isn't like that. All I know is I'm not interested in sex, or in romance and I like being alone sometimes but also being close to someone sometimes. I can confuse myself with what I want and what I think I might want but I'm not sure if I want.

Every relationship is different. You get couples who never seem to leave the other's side, and then you get couples who go on dates- but spend 90% of their time apart. If you don't want to lose your freedom- you can explain that when entering a relationship and if they're not okay with that, stop seeing them as a partner.

Spending all your time together just seems like a bad idea. People need breaks- and having a chance to develop your own interests is good if something happens like a business trip where you can't spend time together.

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you*hear*but*do*you*listen

I get where the OP is coming from, especially because that sort of protective infatuation sounds a lot like what I feel with some of my friends, but is there really a need to label it? I feel like it makes sense to label romantic orientation should a label apply, since romantic attraction is something that most people seem to think should be separated from the kinds of feelings people have for friends, even very close ones, and it can lead to a relationship--read, a romantic one--that is distinguishable from any other type of relationship. But surely the platonic--albeit very emotionally involved--relationships we're discussing in this thread might be a sort of close friendship, if we're discussing non-romantic attraction that won't lead to a romantic relationship? Are we going to start using labels for the gender preferences we have when forming close friendships? Because a part of me feels like that's a little unnecessary. Especially because what is romantic and what is friendship-related is so subjective; it seems to me like some people label certain feelings as romantic while others don't, and the definition of romantic attraction depends on how individuals label their feelings. With the definition of romantic attraction already so sketchy, do we really have to start putting labels on something as nebulous as "platonic attraction?" I feel like people use labels to help themselves categorize, clarify and understand what they're labeling, but if we start trying to label really subjective things, we'll be heading for confusion rather than clarification.

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Well, in my case it's sort of in place of romantic attraction.

I won't say it's "more" than friends or a romantic relationship, but it's difference, and for me the sort of lifelong interpersonal bond i'd form where most people have romantic relationships.

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I'm certainly heterosocial (prefer to form friendships with the opposite sex, mostly because I feel like I identify better with them and find them easier to socialize with), but what you're describing does sound similar to how I feel about a lot of my male friends. When I get close enough to someone, my maternal instinct tends to kick in. :rolleyes:

...Except that I like to form romantic relationships with certain men, also, so I still identify as romantic. :P

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Hmm...a lot of girls seem to be my friends more than guys. I don't know if I identify with girls more because I don't seem to. They seem nicer than most guys though

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With the definition of romantic attraction already so sketchy, do we really have to start putting labels on something as nebulous as "platonic attraction?" I feel like people use labels to help themselves categorize, clarify and understand what they're labeling, but if we start trying to label really subjective things, we'll be heading for confusion rather than clarification.

I get "crushes" on people I want to be friends with- it's a bizarre feeling. I thought I was boy crazy for awhile because I get crushes on these people I wanted desperately to be friends with, and most of them were friends. I doubt most people do that. I wouldn't label it gay/straight/bi/whatever- because I really don't know, but I can definitely see the platonic attraction label applying to me because it is a weird type of attraction.

(I hope Cynicus doesn't mind my saying this) I remember a month or two when Cynicus was head over heels for this girl- anyone would think they were romantic for it. Do people usually do that with people they want to be friends with? From my understanding people generally just get along with someone and end up friends over time- they dont' get these crushes on people they want to be friends with.

So, yeah, it's a bit weird- and it doesn't have to be a big deal. But Ic an see the distinction, and that some people would want it to be able to explain "Yes, I have a crush on them- but I get a crush on everyone I want to be friends with. It's platonic attraction- not romantic or sexual".

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SorryNotSorry

I'm both heteroromantic and heteroplatonic. Unfortunately, no one else online seems to share my orientation.

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I'm both heteroromantic and heteroplatonic. Unfortunately, no one else online seems to share my orientation.

Most of people here [AVEN] share your orientation. And most of them are females.

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i have the urge to find someone whom to apotheosize within my own little world, and wrap my arms around them and protect them from the bad things of the world.

This may sound romantic, but the key difference here is that, to me it isn't.

I get this, hugging friends is just something I do and I have stronger platonic relationships than they've had romantic ones.

Really though, do we need this? I like just having friends without having to further "organise" things with orientation.

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i have the urge to find someone whom to apotheosize within my own little world, and wrap my arms around them and protect them from the bad things of the world.

This may sound romantic, but the key difference here is that, to me it isn't.

I get this, hugging friends is just something I do and I have stronger platonic relationships than they've had romantic ones.

Really though, do we need this? I like just having friends without having to further "organise" things with orientation.

As I mentioned, the thing for me isn't the relationships- but the crushlike feelings that get confusing, and are bound to confuse others. If you get a crush on everyone you want to be friends with- even though you don't want to date them- it can be hard to explain to people. I don't think that this'll catch on as an orientation any more than I think romantic will outside of asexuals- but I like having it. It gives you something to think about.

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Lord Happy Toast

Last night I googled "heteroplatonic." I found an asexual woman using the word to describe herself in a letter to an advice collumnist in 1999 (I made a thread in the library about it last night.) I also found an article called Expanding Our Thinking about Sexual Orientation: Distinguishing between Sexual, Romantic, and Platonic Orientation in something called Clean Sheets Erotica Magazine. (There are some not so work-friendly pictures on the sides if you if you scroll down, in case you couldn't guess from the name.) It's dated 1/4/2006. Evidently some people outside the asexual community have already thought of this distinction. (I found a blogger who used the same three way distinction: Rethinking sexual orientation also from 2006/

Also, it turns out that heteroplatonic has been used on two other AVEN threads. One from 2006 called Greetings and one from 2007 called Hello-I have a question.

Google really is a great way to learn random things.

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With the definition of romantic attraction already so sketchy, do we really have to start putting labels on something as nebulous as "platonic attraction?" I feel like people use labels to help themselves categorize, clarify and understand what they're labeling, but if we start trying to label really subjective things, we'll be heading for confusion rather than clarification.

I get "crushes" on people I want to be friends with- it's a bizarre feeling. I thought I was boy crazy for awhile because I get crushes on these people I wanted desperately to be friends with, and most of them were friends. I doubt most people do that. I wouldn't label it gay/straight/bi/whatever- because I really don't know, but I can definitely see the platonic attraction label applying to me because it is a weird type of attraction.

(I hope Cynicus doesn't mind my saying this) I remember a month or two when Cynicus was head over heels for this girl- anyone would think they were romantic for it. Do people usually do that with people they want to be friends with? From my understanding people generally just get along with someone and end up friends over time- they dont' get these crushes on people they want to be friends with.

So, yeah, it's a bit weird- and it doesn't have to be a big deal. But Ic an see the distinction, and that some people would want it to be able to explain "Yes, I have a crush on them- but I get a crush on everyone I want to be friends with. It's platonic attraction- not romantic or sexual".

Oh, I totally get crushes all the time. Not sure if they're "platonic" or "romantic," but usually it's just connected to a feeling of really liking the person & wanting to get to know them more - but not necessarily in a particular way, & I don't always have a particular type of relationship in mind when I get crushes.

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that_american_kid
I always called those aromantic crushes, but heteroplatonic sounds much better.

Wasn't somebody calling them 'squishes'? If not, I'm going to start doing so.

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Lord Happy Toast

It seems that the term squish derives from the thread Squish!. I might have to add that to my vocab. Recently, I've had a friend that I've felt this way towards. Before find this term today, I had thought of it as an "intellectual crush", but a squish might be appropriate as well. Only it would be awkward to say, "I have a squish on so-and-so." They'd be all like, "A what?"

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that_american_kid
It seems that the term squish derives from the thread Squish!. I might have to add that to my vocab. Recently, I've had a friend that I've felt this way towards. Before find this term today, I had thought of it as an "intellectual crush", but a squish might be appropriate as well. Only it would be awkward to say, "I have a squish on so-and-so." They'd be all like, "A what?"

Perfect!! Thanks for the link to the thread. I was going to search the word, but I got tired and fell asleep instead. :) This is my new favorite word... especially since I have a new squish after this weekend. (Of course, everyone thinks my squish is a plain old crush. Hrumph.)

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I've thought a few times of identifying as panplatonic, but it feels like it's too obvious to need a label...

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why why love
With the definition of romantic attraction already so sketchy, do we really have to start putting labels on something as nebulous as "platonic attraction?" I feel like people use labels to help themselves categorize, clarify and understand what they're labeling, but if we start trying to label really subjective things, we'll be heading for confusion rather than clarification.

I get "crushes" on people I want to be friends with- it's a bizarre feeling. I thought I was boy crazy for awhile because I get crushes on these people I wanted desperately to be friends with, and most of them were friends. I doubt most people do that. I wouldn't label it gay/straight/bi/whatever- because I really don't know, but I can definitely see the platonic attraction label applying to me because it is a weird type of attraction.

(I hope Cynicus doesn't mind my saying this) I remember a month or two when Cynicus was head over heels for this girl- anyone would think they were romantic for it. Do people usually do that with people they want to be friends with? From my understanding people generally just get along with someone and end up friends over time- they dont' get these crushes on people they want to be friends with.

So, yeah, it's a bit weird- and it doesn't have to be a big deal. But Ic an see the distinction, and that some people would want it to be able to explain "Yes, I have a crush on them- but I get a crush on everyone I want to be friends with. It's platonic attraction- not romantic or sexual".

omg, that is exactly how i feel as well! it's good to know i'm not alone :-)

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With the definition of romantic attraction already so sketchy, do we really have to start putting labels on something as nebulous as "platonic attraction?" I feel like people use labels to help themselves categorize, clarify and understand what they're labeling, but if we start trying to label really subjective things, we'll be heading for confusion rather than clarification.

I get "crushes" on people I want to be friends with- it's a bizarre feeling. I thought I was boy crazy for awhile because I get crushes on these people I wanted desperately to be friends with, and most of them were friends. I doubt most people do that. I wouldn't label it gay/straight/bi/whatever- because I really don't know, but I can definitely see the platonic attraction label applying to me because it is a weird type of attraction.

(I hope Cynicus doesn't mind my saying this) I remember a month or two when Cynicus was head over heels for this girl- anyone would think they were romantic for it. Do people usually do that with people they want to be friends with? From my understanding people generally just get along with someone and end up friends over time- they dont' get these crushes on people they want to be friends with.

So, yeah, it's a bit weird- and it doesn't have to be a big deal. But Ic an see the distinction, and that some people would want it to be able to explain "Yes, I have a crush on them- but I get a crush on everyone I want to be friends with. It's platonic attraction- not romantic or sexual".

I had one ages ago with one of my female best friends and mistook for sexual and later on romantic attraction. Luckily it was none of those things because she's pretty heterosexual so umm, awkward. It's more a "squish", raisin came up with it, although homoplatonic could describe it. Since when I met her it was as blinding as a light in my head. I just knew I should get to know her. Most people I'm friends I get a niggling feeling/ colour that they're make good friends. I'm usually right unless I'm in an unbalanced emotional state hten my insitincts go awry. thnaks to transgenderism sensing romantic relationships is a minefield.

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frozen moment

I love the word squish and have been using it all the time ever since finding out about it. I frequently got squishes on my school friends, which made me think for a while I might be lesbian, but then I realised it was purely platonic. And then I thought I was really really weird, because I was feeling everything that I'd heard crushes were like, but without the sexual bit. Such a relief to find AVEN and find out that other people felt this sort of thing too! ^____^

My newest squish is this guy at uni. I told my best friend (who is the only person who knows I'm ace), "I think I was over-thinking the whole thing with [the guy], I don't think I'm romantically attracted to him... I'm not crushing on him, I'm squishing on him." Her reaction was, of course, "What does that mean?" "It's like, I really like him, I think he's really cool and I want to be better friends with him, but I don't want any sort of relationship."

It's difficult to describe it in a way that doesn't sound like just a normal friendship. And if you don't explain it like that, or the person doesn't know you're asexual, they'd think it was an actual crush.

Do sexuals ever get squishes?

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Do sexuals ever get squishes?

Certainly! I've had friends talk about platonic crushes they've had on other friends plenty of times.

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