Asexual Children

[Mad Hatter]

I'm a 17 year old asexual in high school and although I hate being surrounded by massive crowds, I still enjoy being with friends the same age as me and having a laugh. However everyone is different! If there are any girls of the same age living in your street, you could always try and encourage your daughter to befriend them (even invite them over to your house so she feels comfortable and safe). That might give her the opportunity to get used too and feel comfortable being around other teens over time.

[rotifer]

I think that this thread is very encouraging. After all the stories in murisrants about parents who don't undertand. This lady seems to be doing excatly the right thing!

I myslef am also 19 and have trouble soicalising. I go out with friends about once every two months and for me thats fine. If the problem is friends who talk about sex too much try geeky and religious people. No one in my slightly geeky friendship group talks about sex when i'm around and its great. However I don't see them too much due to social anxiety problems.

As for actual advice, encouraging to join aven is a good step. Otherwise don't pressurise but if she has anything she wants to do encourage it.

PS

Thylacaine, while your opinions on the subject of marriage are interesting and worth discussion. THis doesn't seem the appropriate thread for it. I enjoy reading your posts but It would be nicer if it had been a seperate thread.

[thylacine]

Rotifer, I am putting that there because, in my lifetime of experience, most parents have this forecast that their little girl will grow up and be married to someone who will "take care of her." When a girl is asexual (or has some other outlook on life which is not the typical or what we call "hetero"... ) there is a chance she may be single for a good percentage of her life (unless she meets that "special someone" on AVEN, which can happen).

Now, I put those paragraphs there because this girl may have to face her future in singletude, and therefore, won't have that knight in shining armor to protect her, run her finances, pay her bills, take care of her car, etc., all those "traditional" things that we bring our little girls to expect in life. It is for this socio-cultural reason that girls are not taught these necessary things in life, like basic car care, finance, etc. It is not expected that they "need to know" this stuff.

So when a child is A, then that kid will need to learn to stand on her own two feet in life, rather than being brought up to lean on someone, like the way we traditionally bring girls up -- don't yah get where I'm coming from?

This parent will need to know to teach her daughter that stuff, or have her dad teach her that stuff, for her own future as a self-supporting adult. So, in other words, take this potentially asexual girl aside and show her stuff she will need to know to be an independent adult, such as: this is a checkbook and this is how to manage it, these are colleges that prepare you for various careers, this is what a bill looks like and it has to be paid by a certain date, etc. That's what I am trying to say! I don't know why that is controversial. They just don't teach little girls these kinds of things.

[Cethrus]

Hello,

I am looking for some insight. First most people assume ( including school staff and other teens) that my daughter is gay. She however identifies as asexual. I am concerned about her, I accept that she is not interested in being 'intimate' with anyone, but are most asexual teens such loners? I thought at first this was a phase because of all the misconceptions and harassment through out school. She has been out of school for three years and she does not socialize at all. She has been through therapy and says she does not need to go back. She gets quite irritated at the advances of others, and I think that is part of the reason she avoids people. She is quite comfortable with children and the elderly but absolutely HATES being around other teens and young adults. Is there anything I should be doing here? Should I be trying to get her to go 'hang out' with her peer group, or should I just let it be.

Well, this is just the opinion of one (male) asexual high-school student, but some teens are just like that. I can't get along with a good 90% of my peers because I'm just a few pegs above them in terms of maturity (sounds elitist, but it's generally-accepted fact as far as I can tell). Part of this comes from being asexual; I just have no interest in sexually-oriented conversation. It's not to say I don't have friends, but I'm not as close with them as they are with other people. Not by a long shot.

If she doesn't want to hang out with a certain type of person then there's no advantage to forcing her. There's no reason she can't get by without friends her own age.

One thing that helped me meet some people I could converse with was a second-language course at the local community college. This might not be an option depending on where you live, but they're good for meeting inquisitive, intelligent individuals of any age. Heck, any sort of general interest course in languages, arts, or technology can do the same. If she has any interests which coincide with the programs offered locally then it's definitely something to consider. But still, don't force her into anything she doesn't want to do.

[red_brick_dream]

She just turned 19. She had a very difficult time in school, as the school staff decided she had a gender identity disorder and labeled her a lesbian. I think except for a few family members I am the only person she has told. I know the few friends she did have in high school just assumed she was gay and she never bothered to tell them anything different. In fact for a long time I thought she was gay also and she never bothered to mention it. It was not until one of my sons friends girl friends developed a little crush on my daughter that my daughter bothered to clear up our misconceptions. And in hindsight it made sense because even she was gay she would have gone out on at least one date in the last 19 years, she doesn't date period.

School staff? They shouldn't even be examining and scrutinizing a student like that, let alone reporting on her "progress" to her mother. Why are these people meddling in the poor girl's sex life? That's none of their business, and regardless of whether her aversion to sex is a problem or not, it certainly won't help. I would start by dealing with them. Because if her being a "loner" doesn't precede her asexuality, it may certainly result from it, when people react like that and antagonize her about it. And if her asexuality turns out to be a phase, it could certainly be drawn out and exacerbated by people trying to force her along into the deep end.

Also, I'm 20 - I know plenty of [sexual] people who haven't been on a traditional, stereotypical "date;" others (with some overlap) who hadn't even been with anyone yet. I think there's always been a certain societal pressure, fading with time, for kids to "couple up" amongst themselves, to prove their normalcy to each other and to their parents. Hell, I'm in liberal Canada and I know parents like that, who at the very least expect their kid to have a date. School dances, and "rites of passage" (what a load of bunk - just a sexualized pairing game under a proverbial petticoat) such as prom and such. I also know circles of people who would ridicule sexual inactivity. Not even involuntary inactivity; just inactivity.

On a date? Is that what people have in mind when they decide to date? I just thought they liked each other, and that that (sex) would probably follow. I thought that was the source of society's angst. Indirect.

[ColBrandon]

I'm 44 now. I'm asexual & think my own mother is, also. She is constantly saying things like, "I don't understand why all these crazy people are always running around having all this sex. Why can't they just read a book?" I tried to explain to her (she's 73) about asexuality, and that it might run in families, and still, like me, she seems to feel that everyone else is just crazy and that we're the only normal ones...

I've only now read this thread since it was bumped up, and this posting intrigued me. Is there a thread on asexual heredity? I have heard similar things from my own mother. can someone please pint me in the right direction?

Thanks

[thylacine]

I'm not sure, but I do think there is a genetic factor in this... I really do.

[mad_scientist]

As a teen, I never really got along with most of my peers either. I had a couple of friends, but in general they bored me -- I preferred to speak to teachers, adult workmates and the adults in my theatre company. Some people just aren't in sync with most of their age group; I wouldn't worry about it that much.

Now what the hell is this about your daughter's school thinking that they can somehow prescribe her sexuality?! That's ridiculous! Their actions were far, far out of line.

[audree]

My son is asexual (and 16 y.o.) He's always been a loner and I don't know if the two are linked, but they may be. He doesn't feel the need to fit in - he truly doesn't. When he was in kindergarten, he hopped in the car one afternoon and I asked him how his day was.

"Oh, it's been OK," he said. "I wanted to play one game at recess, but the other kids didn't, so I sat by and watched them play."

When I was a child, I felt rejection keenly, so I said in great sympathy "Oh honey, I am so sorry! You must feel terrible!"

"Why?" he asked, genuinely puzzled. "I didn't want to play the other game, so I was perfectly fine sitting by myself."

And that's the way he's remained.

He has a couple close friends, but not many. Of all the people in his life, I would guess that he and I are the closest, but even then, he is fiercely independant and always has been.

[kitchenwitch]

First of all: a big hello to you! I think it's wonderful that you are so understanding of your daughter!

This. I've been on AVEN for over a year now, and though i don't post much, i do read much of what goes on, and i can't say i remember seeing a parent here at all, let alone such an accepting one.

All of this. When I came out to my (otherwise completely accepting) mother six months ago, she didn't take it so well. She assumed that I'd need to "compromise" in order to find a partner, a mate. She never had a problem with me being bisexual (as I identified in my teens) or with me being active in the LGBT community. But asexuality sent her in a different direction, and she hasn't gotten better with it.

Your daughter is lucky, absolutely lucky, to have a mom like you who is willing to listen, to learn, and to love her regardless of who she loves.

Wow, all I can say is that I wish my mother was as accepting as you are.

Me too.

He has a couple close friends, but not many. Of all the people in his life, I would guess that he and I are the closest, but even then, he is fiercely independent and always has been.

I'll have to be very honest here: if it wasn't for the internet, I'd have very few friends. While I'm generally a very people-oriented person, I wasn't that way in high school. I spent so much time online that I didn't even make any friends in high school. I had one friend, who had been my friend from grade school, and a bunch of my sister's friends who were casual acquaintances. Without the internet, I would have been just like your daughter; and I'm sure to my mother, I appeared that way. I have always been fiercely independent like audree's son (another supportive parent FTW!), and haven't ever bothered with more friends than I needed. But as I got older and more comfortable in my asexual skin, I started feeling ostracized and separate. That's when I dug in and started making IRL friends -- friends who've got my back now.

To SouthernMother: you're doing the right things. Your daughter will be grateful to you for it, if she isn't already.

[Megan140]

Hello,

I am looking for some insight. First most people assume ( including school staff and other teens) that my daughter is gay. She however identifies as asexual. I am concerned about her, I accept that she is not interested in being 'intimate' with anyone, but are most asexual teens such loners? I thought at first this was a phase because of all the misconceptions and harassment through out school. She has been out of school for three years and she does not socialize at all. She has been through therapy and says she does not need to go back. She gets quite irritated at the advances of others, and I think that is part of the reason she avoids people. She is quite comfortable with children and the elderly but absolutely HATES being around other teens and young adults. Is there anything I should be doing here? Should I be trying to get her to go 'hang out' with her peer group, or should I just let it be.

I was the same in High School (three years ago as well). I preferred to be on my own and do the assignments myself (my parents never went to any of those parent teacher conferences and never even bothered to talk to the teachers unless it was to call me in sick) and ignore the people around me. My parents did nothing about it and sometimes even encouraged it (so I don't know if my opinion counts). I know I didn't really start to like being around other people until I was forced to because of where I work (Retail, gotta be people friendly) and the type of people I work with.

My advice to you is accept her as she is and make sure she knows that and that no matter what you will support her decisions. Don't force her hand in this matter, it's best to just let her find this out for herself.

Hope this helped

[auditore47]

I'm 44 now. I'm asexual & think my own mother is, also. She is constantly saying things like, "I don't understand why all these crazy people are always running around having all this sex. Why can't they just read a book?" I tried to explain to her (she's 73) about asexuality, and that it might run in families, and still, like me, she seems to feel that everyone else is just crazy and that we're the only normal ones...

Anyway... when I was a kid, I was alone a lot, but I'm more outgoing now. I didn't really know about asexuality, no one knew about it then, and they still don't know about it now, unfortunately. They just slap the "gay" label on each & every kid that's a little different.

It's a little scary to be an asexual young person and be surrounded by oversexed teenagers, who are constantly obsessed about foolish things like their hair and if this boy likes them or not and not be interested in that useless crap yourself. You rather read interesting stuff about history or science and all the other kids do is giggle and wiggle and make squeeky noises all day long. It's annoying and you just can't understand what their problem is.

Well... this is what happened to me. My classmates got pregnant, or did drugs and then got pregnant, and never made it to college. Three guys asked me to marry them (one was abusive, and tried to force me to marry him, by saying he would shoot me if I did not marry him). I said no to all three marriage proposals. I worked and went nights to college, kept going to college and ended up with three college degrees, dean's list, too, because when you're not chasing the whole entire football team, you end up studying.

I like to write too, & had some stories in literary magazines, but I'm not famous & never made much money. Oh well. I write for the love of writing.

I have a good job, own a house, have a nice car, can travel on vacation a few times a year, have nice clothes, and in general, a damn good life, without the husband society keeps trying to force intelligent, independent women, like me, to have. I do well at my job because my mind can focus on work instead of the delivery boy's butt, which is said to be "cute" -- whatever the hell "cute" is... ?

My married friends are always telling me they pity me. They need to shut the f--- up and get a damn life and grow up. They can go home and change diapers and cook dinner....

... I'm going to Europe instead.

Maybe some day, your shy daughter will find things that interest her, and take her talents to a good college, and have a good job, and maybe she'll travel to Europe on vacation, and have a good life too.

The trick though is yah gotta study, and work hard on the job to do well on the job. Then you are all set! It's easy to get lazy and just surf the web when you ought to be studying. She will need to study hard to get a good education, because she'll need to be self-supporting and financially independent, like me.

Amen!

[alienentity]

Hello,

I am looking for some insight. First most people assume ( including school staff and other teens) that my daughter is gay. She however identifies as asexual. I am concerned about her, I accept that she is not interested in being 'intimate' with anyone, but are most asexual teens such loners? I thought at first this was a phase because of all the misconceptions and harassment through out school. She has been out of school for three years and she does not socialize at all. She has been through therapy and says she does not need to go back. She gets quite irritated at the advances of others, and I think that is part of the reason she avoids people. She is quite comfortable with children and the elderly but absolutely HATES being around other teens and young adults. Is there anything I should be doing here? Should I be trying to get her to go 'hang out' with her peer group, or should I just let it be.

I guess the key question is whether she is happy or unhappy with her situation?

If she is content as she is, then I think that is the key thing. I appreciate that she may be in the minority compared to her peers (in the sense of not wanting to be around people in her age group) but if this is not causing her and distress or problems then perhaps it is not something that you need to be too concerned about.

I didn't like being around teens much at any point in my life, including when I myself was in my teens. Even now I struggle to relate to people my age (and teenagers too!) and I tend to get on better with people who are a bit older than me.

I appreciate that needing to be able to interact with one's peers is an important skill though - so looking to meet some people her own age - even if it is just occasional - might be an idea.

Obviously, if she's unhappy, that's a problem and it is horrible to feel lonely and isolated. But only she can tell you whether or not this is the case (or, of course, she may have done already).

I personally found that the best way to find people I had a chance of getting along with was to pursue things I personally enjoyed. My interest as a teen was music and I was in various youth orchestras. Through this I managed to make a few friends in my age group. It wasn't deliberate - it just happened. I put my interest in music first and found that once I was doing something I was passionate about, being able to relate to people who felt the same about music just came naturally.

There is the internet too, although it is important to be safe, and also to be aware that although there are some very nice people online, there are also some not-so-nice people too so there is, sadly, a chance that she might come across some unpleasant people. Hopefully though, the positive will outweigh the negative.

[a.sex.pistols]

First off, let me commend you for being supportive of your daughter. Just the fact that you are on here and asking for advice is great! I think it's a good sign that your daughter spoke to you about her asexuality

Teenagers develop at different rates socially, and maybe your daughter hasn't found a group in which she feels comfortable yet. I liked the suggestions from other users about inviting a friend or classmate over in a safe environment. High school is a difficult time for most kids even without the added pressures of being a sexual minority. The fastest way to make friends in a school setting is to join a sport or club. They foster a sense of "family" and it's always good to have people at school who can look out for her, sit together at lunch, smile at in the hallways...

[Yanagi]

Good to have you here!

The one this I've see said by a few people but not covered in detail is the fact that you daughter could be aromantic - not romantically attracted to people. There are asexuals who are aromantic and that could explain another reason why she wouldn't want to be around peers her own age.

[CreakyKeegan]

I don't think there's any problem with what she's doing :)

[Rounx]

@thylacine: You are my hero. Have some cake !

@SouthernMother: Your daughter is a lot like me. I like being left alone and always have, I have a few close friends (3-4), but even then I only see my closest friends 1-10 times a year. Which I tend not to mind all that much. Like your daughter, drawing, reading and short stories are my companions, I also have my pets that I hang out with. Animals over humans anyday.

The 'gay label' does get put on alot ... most people from my church youth group, family, and probably my parents, thought me a lesbian, though I never showed and of that type of interest in other girls. My Sunday school teacher pulled me aside more than once to give me a few minutes of his 'proper sexual orientation' speech. And just because I wasn't 'crushing' or showing any interest on any of the guys/didn't have a boyfriend. It's madness how fast people jump to conclusions! It was just another excuse for me to withdraw. They stopped only when I found my significant other.

It's totally normal for your daughter to not want to be with such people, or discuss her orientation. I've always shrugged off labels and let them think what they want because I don't care to discuss my personal life with anyone. People tend to be really disapproving/shocked when I tell them I'm asexual. Keeping quiet is a nice way to avoid more drama and questioning.

My advice to you is let her be, pushing will not help anything, it will only make things worse.

[Trix]

She spends so much of her time alone, though she doesn't express it I am concerned that she is lonely. I thought maybe I should be trying to get her to go out and do things with her peer group like go to a movie or the mall or something once in a while. Thank you all for your insight after reading your post I think I understand now why she chooses to avoid such interactions.

I was quite a loner as a teenager, could not relate to my peer group, dating/clubbing/drinking/partying etc., everything everyone else has said.

So, if I imagine myself at that age, going to a mall with my peer group would not alleviate my loneliness. On the contrary, it would make me feel more like the outsider because it is not something I relate to or am choosing to engage in, to begin with. Doing things I don't like with my peer group would just underscore how much I don't fit.

At that age, I craved meaningful interaction and intelligent conversation, and was desperate to get out of high-school and into college and be around people who were more mature.

Alleviating loneliness comes through being seen, understood and in the company of equals (or at least people who accept you), not from doing socially acceptable things to correct the appearance of being alone.

[Meme]

I am an asexual child. (more like young teen...)

But my point is that asexuality doesn't cause an introvert.

Honestly talk to her about it, communication is a no-duh.

If she's lonely then try online friends or something that would make her feel comfortable.

But, ASK HER FIRST! (though i'm sure mothers naturally worry)

[Elizabeth22]

For the OP:

Support her unconditionally.

Do not take the approach that you are trying to "help her."

There is nothing wrong with her.

Just support her. Be there. Go on this journey with her so she has someone who cares about her as she gains her confidence along the way.

[Bluetadamore]

I'm currently 17. I've just recently identified myself as an asexual. I have allways been a loner.

My mother does not yet know my sexal orientation, I believe she thinks I'm a late bloomer. However, she has come to terms with me being slightlky anti social. I've never had a crowd of friends, and the few friends I have do not get too close to me. It's just my personality.

I have four important persons in my life. My mother, my sister, my brother and my cat. The res do not know "me". It does not mean anything is wrong. It does not mean it's because I'm asexual. I simpley prefer my own company or the company of the closest people to me.

The last couple of months I've had to share a room with another girl. And I've found out it just doesn't work for me. It has in fact made me even more anti social then before. Now that I don't get my "completely alone" time I end up drawing away from everyone else in every other situation as well.

Just, don't force it on your kid. If she has the personality of a loner she just might need to be alone for a certain amount of time. If she wants to be more social she will be.

[motherof]

I'm 44 now. I'm asexual & think my own mother is, also. She is constantly saying things like, "I don't understand why all these crazy people are always running around having all this sex. Why can't they just read a book?" I tried to explain to her (she's 73) about asexuality, and that it might run in families, and still, like me, she seems to feel that everyone else is just crazy and that we're the only normal ones...

I've only now read this thread since it was bumped up, and this posting intrigued me. Is there a thread on asexual heredity? I have heard similar things from my own mother. can someone please pint me in the right direction?

Thanks

Yes, I believe heredity is a significant factor. My son is very much like his uncle but sees him rarely. Just my opinion, but this seems to be consistent with research on sexual orientation, doesn't it?

[Trolley Girl]

Yes, I believe heredity is a significant factor. My son is very much like his uncle but sees him rarely. Just my opinion, but this seems to be consistent with research on sexual orientation, doesn't it?

I definitely don't doubt this. I've mentioned it several times on this site, but I am a 24-year-old aromantic ace, and I have a 47-year-old uncle on my dad's side of the family who seems to be exactly the same way as well. Not to mention that I also have a 31-year-old cousin, also on my dad's side, who may also very well be ace. It really makes you wonder...

[BattleHamster]

I'm twenty and a loner, and it doesn't bother me. I have my writing group. I have my LiveJournal and Facebook and forums like AVEN. If your daughter says she's happy, I wouldn't worry about it.

[SouthernMother]

I wanted to thank everyone for all thier input. Some updates. My daughter got her GED, went to College and is currently training to become an EMT, and loves what she is doing. Her goal is become a Biomedical engineer. She is still very much a loner, but she is content, she has set her goals and is being bery successful in achieving them. I think she just needed some time to work through her awful and negative middle and high school experinces. Thanks to everyone for thier input.

[Samael]

Yes, some people tend to believe that everyone is ment to be social and have close people in their lives: they think "no man is an island". They think that deep down everyone wants to take an active part in the society, no matter how withdrawn they are. They think that everyone not only wants it, but that everyone needs it. Yet, in my opinion this couldn't be further from the truth. I prefer alone time to time spent with other people, for example. In my most natural state I'm a loner, and so I can perfectly understand why someone else might be too. Some other people are the exact opposite and most of the time prefer to be with other people. It's understandable that either group can't innately understand each other, because how people individually see the world affects what they think is normal and acceptable - the two of which are very artificial concepts due to there being no natural state if there first isn't a person to give it a subjective definition.

Also, for anyone trying to understand the loner's point of view, I think the below quotation is perfect for that function.

I was quite a loner as a teenager, could not relate to my peer group, dating/clubbing/drinking/partying etc., everything everyone else has said.

So, if I imagine myself at that age, going to a mall with my peer group would not alleviate my loneliness. On the contrary, it would make me feel more like the outsider because it is not something I relate to or am choosing to engage in, to begin with. Doing things I don't like with my peer group would just underscore how much I don't fit.

At that age, I craved meaningful interaction and intelligent conversation, and was desperate to get out of high-school and into college and be around people who were more mature.

Alleviating loneliness comes through being seen, understood and in the company of equals (or at least people who accept you), not from doing socially acceptable things to correct the appearance of being alone.

[alwaysloveher]

You shouldn't push her to go out with people their age. Maybe she is an individualist and prefers to be alone. Maybe she's more mature than her peers, maybe she doesn't want to smoke and drink alcohol and participate in discos. She is not the only one who's like that, and it doesn't have much to do with her orientation. Probably when she gets older, she will find friends of her age, since they will become more mature by time going. You have nothing to worry about and sending her to therapist is completely unnecessary.

It would be nice if your daughter joined AVEN :)

Cheers :)

I agree. I am a demisexual and was a bit of a loner my self. I was never into the going to parties, drinking, smoking, or getting high that everyone else in mys schools were into. I would stay at home and play video games, watch TV, or read a book. and any friends that i did have were usualy people i met in strange circumstances, for instance, i met my best friend on the bus one day when i was in a really bad mood. i sat next to him and just randomly started bashing his head into the window ( i had some anger issues) but we quickly became friends. I have always enjoyed being alone (that is until i met the right people), slowly my few...very few friends started to get my to go out and do something every once in a while. never anything big. And i still don't like going into large crows of people, i still prefer to be... well.. not alone anymore, i finally found someone worth being with, now i no longer look forward to going home to be alone, i look forward to going home to be with her. BTW my fiance is also an ACE, so she could probably relate to what your daughter is going through better than myself, maybe ill see if she will post her input her.

[Guest VickyM]

I'm asexual and haven't been in school for 2 years. I left high school because it was too much for me. I had no friends and everytime I tried to fit in, it just wouldn't work out. I had nothing in common with anyone in my school. No one listened to rock music or shared my view on things. I tried online homeschooling but the website was a scam and it was just stupid. Even though high school was a long time ago, I still don't really have any real friends. I have people telling me, "Oh Vic I am your friend!" And then they don't even contact me for 4 months or so. No one knows I am asexual. I haven't told anyone and don't plan on telling anyone until a long time. Having no friends isn't a bad thing. I have grown very dependent this year and I am starting college this Spring :lol:

[Jacqui]

I'm 16 and fairly introverted, mostly just because I hate most of my peers. They're judgmental and I live a life of lies when I'm around them. I have a few close friends that I talk to every so often and talk to honestly, though, and I do a lot of blogging and posting on web forums. Don't push her to be social. She'll probably just feel uncomfortable. Maybe she can get a job somewhere where people will have more in common with her and be more accepting? Small bookstores, cafes, art supply stores, etc, seem to have some people who are friendly introverts who aren't the loud partying boozehead types.

[taco]

Sounds so much like my time in school. The staff in my schools were often uncaring, or acted exasperated and exuded a general "I hate my job and I hate you more" attitude. Paradoxical as it may sound, in my opinion, schools are the worst learning environment there is. People in general are like rusty nails on the blackboard of my mind, but being an introvert isn't the issue, it's being accepted as an introvert that needs work.

That's what the internet is for though, it seems the people I can get along with are spread so thin that if it weren't for technology, I would have lost my mind!