Asexual Children

[Sally]

This is kind of off-subject, or semi-off-subject, but then I probably have a rep for that anyway. :lol:

When you hit 70, you must take some distribution from your IRAs. You needn't take it all. When you get almost as old as I am or work part-time, it's a nice idea to get a Roth IRA which you can't take off your taxes immediately BUT the interest/whatever is tax-free when you take it out. I have both.

And cars...I will NEVER work on my car myself. That's one luxury I pay for: car repair. I hate it, I don't understand it, I wouldn't do it well, etc.etc. On the other hand, I love to cook so I'm not going to spend my money on restaurants, and I don't like to travel, so that's a savings also.

Thus, not every woman who's single has to do everything for herself. My husband and my subsequent boyfriend never did car repair anyway. Not only are women not stereotypical, men aren't either. Even though I've never been without male company since I was 23, I've lived alone for 20 years. My male friend does not protect me.

You can decide, based on your circumstances, talents, and needs, to do what you want for yourself. You don't have to do it all.

[Inevitable]

I'll "lay off marriage" when people around me lay off me for not being married. If I had a nickel for each & every freakin time some crazy biddy said, "Oh, but you need to be married, you need someone to take care of you, you poor dear!" I'd be as rich as Bill Gates... I need to round them all up to take them to a muffler shop so they'll all be quiet.

Some ladies at my church are praying for me, they said, "We're going to pray for you, that you'll find a man." Puke.

They're so obnoxious and they don't even know it.

And it bothers me when other people try to control my life, and make my decisions for me.

Have you told them that you feel that way?

Because if you have and they're still doing it, then I fully support your rage.

[Sally]

Change churches! People like that probably hold other opinions you wouldn't agree with. Prejudices usually go together in bunches.

Except for your employers, nobody has the right to tell you anything or control your decisions.

[mindlife]

I recall being very much like your daughter when I was young.

[thylacine]

... No, I haven't told them how much it bothers me (about their saying they pity me for not having a husband) but I do sometimes smile and politely say, "Please don't say those things to me. I'd rather not discuss my personal life. Thank you." There are people in a position in my community to cause trouble for me if I raise my voice. It's kind of a tricky situation. (Let's just say that some people out there can make me lose my job with a phone call. They know someone who knows someone important, stuff like that. Have to be careful.) It's like a small town kind of situation. Everyone is into everyone's stuff. And it's not just the women, there are some guys like that too... "If you had any ambition," he waves his finger in my face, and he's a big fat loud dude, "You'd get yourself married and start having babies!" I can't say anything to that one, because he talks over everyone and won't shut the f--- up. At least two other men in my community, besides the "church ladies," have attempted to interfere with my life, including the Deacon! (He wants to fix me up! God save me from your followers!) So in my town it's not just the women who are into my biz. I guess it goes against the stereotype. They all act "concerned," but it's just small town viciousness. I think the loud dude is frustrated because I'm not interested in him. It's really awful.

Also, Re: "That's not something only asexuals need to know, that's not something only women need to know- and that's not something that all men know, either." I must answer this, but somehow forgot to. They don't usually teach girls those things. It's assumed girls will have someone to take care of them when they grow up, so they won't need to know how to run the finances, take care of the car, stuff like that. I had to go to the library to get books on cars to teach myself how to take care of my car. I asked my uncle to show me how to take care of my car, and he said, "You don't need to know that."

[AVENCakes]

Also, Re: "That's not something only asexuals need to know, that's not something only women need to know- and that's not something that all men know, either." I must answer this, but somehow forgot to. They don't usually teach girls those things. It's assumed girls will have someone to take care of them when they grow up, so they won't need to know how to run the finances, take care of the car, stuff like that. I had to go to the library to get books on cars to teach myself how to take care of my car. I asked my uncle to show me how to take care of my car, and he said, "You don't need to know that."

Not where I live. I went to a girls-only sleepaway camp that had mandatory self-defense courses. I've got the exact opposite- women need to know self defense but men? Pshaw, they can take care of themselves! I know how to check the oil, I didn't know anyone didn't, and I've helped mom change her tires. I'd still take it to the shop, I'm not a mechanic, but I can tell when something's wrong. No one's told me I shouldn't know math or anything else or how to deal with my finances. I don't particularly want to, haven't taken up to learn- but that's me, nothing to do with my upbringing. I've never gotten any of that- and just because you get it, doesn't mean everyone does, or that you should tell only the parents of asexual girls that as if no asexuals end up married or in long-term relationships and every single sexual does. Everyone can use that advice. And, as Sally pointed out, you don't need to do it all yourself.

[thylacine]

Well... where I'm from, they start planning a girl's wedding the minute she's born, for pete's sakes. I don't know why, but where I live, it's like being in the 1950's. Can we trade places, then?

Where I am existing right now, the pressure is for girls to "find someone" who will "take care" of them. They are sent to college not to learn, but to meet someone who has a "future." Do yah get it? It's our culture.

Some girls get programmed this way, and some rebel and be independent. My mother was different. She taught me to be independent. I remember once when I was a kid, I wanted a this thing "Little Science Kit" with a toy microscope & stuff. So she bought it for me. My grandma found out, "What an awful thing to give to a little girl!" And grandma ran out right away and bought me a doll. And when I was in high school, there was the "beauty pageant" which the popular girls took part in (an actual contest, they had their pics in local paper in bathing suits and all). I was like, how ridiculous, this is what they care about? (I don't think any of my classmates won the local pageant, not that I recall.)

And that's just how we grew up. And today, I hear grown women who were brought up this way say stuff like, "I don't know nuthin about that stuff. My husband handles all that!" Meaning, the family check book, the car, hiring contractors, they don't know how how much is in the bank, their husband keeps the credit cards locked in the safe and they ask if they can borrow it, he gives them money to get groceries or clothes for the kids, etc. It's not like the husband is a jerk, because he's not, it's just that it's her role to take care of the kids, and his role to go out in the world and make the money, so she asks for money when she needs it. And that's how things are where I live. And where I live, career minded women are considered "odd."

And they bring their own daughters up this way, too. It's the pattern that repeats itself.

There is a widow down the street, a nice lady, who's husband never allowed her to drive, and now she is elderly and doesn't know how to drive, although she can see well enough and probably could learn, but there is the deceased husband's car in the driveway, which has not run for 2 years, and she needs rides to the grocery store and to church and everywhere, so calls friends to come pick her up. She cannot handle money too well, either, since she never learned, and doesn't have any savings of her own, since she never worked. She gets a small pension, I think, and her son gives her money to get by. This is an example of what happens when you have no survival skills. My mother & I have given her rides a few times, to the library & to parties she was invited to...

Anyway, I'm just saying... they don't prepare girls for a lot of stuff that they usually prepare boys for, like self-reliance. There is a chance she will be single in her life, and need to know this stuff. That's all. Parents sometimes bring daughters up this way subconciously, too, without meaning to. I think it's important for her to be prepared to run her own life financially, because she may have to.

That's all. I'm not putting anyone down. I'm just pointing this stuff out, because I think it's important. So I hope you will all understand why I'm saying this, because these patterns repeat in our culture, and this lifestyle might not fit this girl too well.

And once again, I'm not bringing this up to be sexist or anything, but these are the patterns that repeat in our society, as part of our culture. We teach boys to be self-reliant. In some families, girls are also taught to be self-reliant, but not in some families, in some families, girls are still traditionally brought up to "find someone" who will take care of these things for them. And if she ends up divorced, or a widow, or if her husband is injured on the job and can't work, well, then, she's out of luck, I guess... Or else she'll need to go through the learning process when she's 30-40, and it would probably be a pain in the neck to have to juggle learning to balance the household finances and whether or not to call a plumber or to try & fix the toilet yourself while the kids are running around screaming and yelling. So now I hope you all understand why I brought it up in the first place.

[hyenaboy]

In my last relationship, I did everything for my ex-boyfriend -- part of the reason I broke up with him was that he had to stop relying on me. I'm slightly offended by the assumption that a girl in a relationship/marriage doesn't do anything for herself. I value my independence above most other things. I don't even like people to pay for my meals.

I understand that it's a stereotype and is often true in many cultures, but the blanket statements about married folk are a little offensive.

-

Back to the original topic, whether or not she wants to socialize with her peers is really a personal choice. It isn't a problem unless she's actually struggling with it. (This has already been said, though. :)) I'm 21, and in general, I prefer to interact with people who are older than me as well (I wouldn't say they're elderly, but they do tend to be the next generation up :P).

[arisa]

For the OP: You daughter sounds very much like me in my grade school days. Since middle school, many of my peers thought I was gay -- something I was often teased or leered at for. I never had too many friends among my peers, and I largely preferred solitary activities.

I actually like being around younger kids and people older than myself as well. There is no pressure or feeling that you are being judged/assessed, that you get when around those your age. With kids, I can just play with them. With older people, I can have a decent and interesting conversation with them. With those my age, it's just...well most of the time it's okay, but there's either bound to be some talk I can't relate to that well (relationships, partying/drinking/clubbing, whether you like someone), or some form of awkward socialising, etc. With younger and older people, I don't have to worry about those things.

I'm like this as well! I think it's not just that that your daughter is asexual, but very introverted (an probably has some specialized interests, too!). If she's a fan of the Internet or anything, I agree that she might be socializing there. It was through the Internet that I found a lot of information on different aspects of my personalities, various outlets, and people who'd listen and be able to relate to me.

I also agree that, if she's not displaying any other alarming signs, then maybe she's okay. I hated when I was pushed into social situations, and more often than not I didn't enjoy them and resented whoever tried to push me to do something I didn't want to do. Like some of the other posters, I think that you're doing a great job by searching for information and showing concern. My family was never really supportive and even now I'm afraid to be open with them. Being asexual can be hard just because most people don't understand, so I'm sure that (if not now, in the future) your daughter would appreciate your understanding and support. Just make sure she knows that you're there. :D

[thylacine]

Re: "I understand that it's a stereotype and is often true in many cultures, but the blanket statements about married folk are a little offensive."

First, I did not intend to offend anyone, and second, I think you misinterpreted what I was trying to say.

What I am trying to say is, that sometimes in our society, we don't bring girls up to be self-sufficient, and that this girl in question, who is asexual, may face life on her own, and therefore, need to learn to be self-sufficient. That is what I am trying to say. And then I went on to give examples of what becomes of people who are not self-sufficient, like the widow who has a car in the driveway, but cannot drive it, because her husband would not allow her to drive, and she never learned. She is now alone and has no basic survival skills. This is why girls need to learn survival skills. That's all!

Do you now understand what I was trying to say?

[happylife]

Where I am existing right now, the pressure is for girls to "find someone" who will "take care" of them. They are sent to college not to learn, but to meet someone who has a "future." Do yah get it? It's our culture.

Some girls get programmed this way, and some rebel and be independent.

this is nothing new for me. when I was in high school, a friend of mine told me that the reason she was going to go to college was to get a good husband. she also thought that women are not supposed to work outside the home. making money is a man's thing; marrying a man is a lady's thing. seemed like being a graceful housewife was her dream. her father had chosen a man for her to marry, so she didn't have to bother to look for an eligible bachelor. but things didn't go as she expected. her father died so the company her father had run lost its head and got a new captain who was her mother who had been a full-time housewife until then--I think I heard her brother was working with her--and a new employee who was my friend. I haven't heard from her for years so I don't know where she is now, probably she is still working there. when we were in college--we went to high school and college together--she was a sweet lovely girl while I looked a bit tough. but now she might look a lot tougher than me due to her huge responsibility. miss her.. wondering if everything's fine.. unpredictability of life.. we have to prepare, right?

[thylacine]

Happylife, wow, her dad had someone picked out for her? That is to the extreme, huh? Well... even though her dad passed away, did she marry the guy? Just wondering...

[Shadow girl]

That might get better with time. She could go to a church group of older people and make friends. Churches are also a good positive environment so shes likely to find someone she can be friends with there.

[thylacine]

Yeah, but in some church groups, they are not so accepting of "different" kinds of people.

[happylife]

Happylife, wow, her dad had someone picked out for her? That is to the extreme, huh? Well... even though her dad passed away, did she marry the guy? Just wondering...

her dad really didn't want his daughter to marry a businessman because he wanted her to live a stable life. so I guess he introduced a man who was a legal professional to her. and there was someone she had a crush on who was also a legal professional. she told me that one was cute, I figured she liked him, but the other was.. like.. um.. kinda creepy to imagine coming near her or something. the shitty thing was the cute one didn't seemed to like her so much.. I don't know who she finally married, cute guy, the other one, or the third player. all I know is she is married and her husband is a legal professional. I didn't ask about her husband. come to think of it, it's pretty weird why I didn't ask?? maybe because I thought it's a personal question. or I didn't want to know..?? I don't know..

[edited]

[dalsgaard]

Hello,

I am looking for some insight. First most people assume ( including school staff and other teens) that my daughter is gay. She however identifies as asexual. I am concerned about her, I accept that she is not interested in being 'intimate' with anyone, but are most asexual teens such loners? I thought at first this was a phase because of all the misconceptions and harassment through out school. She has been out of school for three years and she does not socialize at all. She has been through therapy and says she does not need to go back. She gets quite irritated at the advances of others, and I think that is part of the reason she avoids people. She is quite comfortable with children and the elderly but absolutely HATES being around other teens and young adults. Is there anything I should be doing here? Should I be trying to get her to go 'hang out' with her peer group, or should I just let it be.

She is 19 years old, and practically an adult. Let her be, and don't push her is my advice.

Just because she is not inerested in being around other people, just does not mean she's unhappy or has misanthropic tendencies. Meet dalsgaard. I'm by no means a sociophobe or socially inept. I can socialize quite well with my peers and others, but I have no desire to talk to people, and prefer to live in solitude. If she is the same way, then why change anything as long as she is happy?

It may not have anything to do with sex at all. It could just be, that she has a lower tolerance for people than most. If I were to sorround myself with others for more than a couple of hours, it would drive me nuts. Some prefer their own company rather than that of others, and look at parties and what others consider a good time, as a waste of energy.

So I say, maybe she's just different. As long as she's happy and capable of socializing if need be, then why force her to do anything?

[AVENCakes]

That might get better with time. She could go to a church group of older people and make friends. Churches are also a good positive environment so shes likely to find someone she can be friends with there.

If her daughter's anything like me, church (of any religious-based thing) would be a bad idea. I've nothing against it inherently, but I'm not religious and would have a problem being thrown in with a group that is. I think trying to find something like volunteering in an area she's interested in (I volunteered over the summer at an art camp for 5-12 year olds, if she likes art htat might interest her) would be better than assuming she'd get along with religious types. If she is religious, church would be fine for her- but if she's not, taht could get awkward.

[Sciatrix]

That might get better with time. She could go to a church group of older people and make friends. Churches are also a good positive environment so shes likely to find someone she can be friends with there.

If her daughter's anything like me, church (of any religious-based thing) would be a bad idea. I've nothing against it inherently, but I'm not religious and would have a problem being thrown in with a group that is. I think trying to find something like volunteering in an area she's interested in (I volunteered over the summer at an art camp for 5-12 year olds, if she likes art htat might interest her) would be better than assuming she'd get along with religious types. If she is religious, church would be fine for her- but if she's not, taht could get awkward.

Total agreement here. If she's religious and actually has faith, youth group could be great--but it's also possible that she's like I was, and pressuring her to attend youth group could result in an angry outburst. (In my case, I'd been attending church largely to please my parents and accidentally revealed that I was an atheist. It was infinitely more unpleasant for my parents to discover than the asexuality thing, I think.)

[Gotanks0407]

That might get better with time. She could go to a church group of older people and make friends. Churches are also a good positive environment so shes likely to find someone she can be friends with there.

If her daughter's anything like me, church (of any religious-based thing) would be a bad idea. I've nothing against it inherently, but I'm not religious and would have a problem being thrown in with a group that is. I think trying to find something like volunteering in an area she's interested in (I volunteered over the summer at an art camp for 5-12 year olds, if she likes art htat might interest her) would be better than assuming she'd get along with religious types. If she is religious, church would be fine for her- but if she's not, taht could get awkward.

Total agreement here. If she's religious and actually has faith, youth group could be great--but it's also possible that she's like I was, and pressuring her to attend youth group could result in an angry outburst. (In my case, I'd been attending church largely to please my parents and accidentally revealed that I was an atheist. It was infinitely more unpleasant for my parents to discover than the asexuality thing, I think.)

my parents already knew i was atheist for a couple weeks now, and know im not sure if i should drop the aromantic asexual bomb, but i guess it could be less of a thing like you said.

[ke25]

Just let her be, that is the way she is. I also resent when people my age try to get advances on me, so I avoid those situations. I am a lot happier being on my own.

[inter\m/ent]

Yeah, but in some church groups, they are not so accepting of "different" kinds of people.

*agrees* I was going to a monastery for years, it was a comfortable space as I was surrounded by celibates and sex was never the topic of conversation, unlike the freshmen crowd. However one can easily get sucked in or manipulated, in my case they started projecting their desire for celibacy/monkhood unto me and I was being subtly encouraged to quit my studies and join them. I also think that being the youngest person in a group can lead to power relations in religious environments. Control is what religion is all about after all.

@ thylacine: I agree with your POV on gender roles, perhaps because part of my environment is stuck in the 50's too. My mother (like my aunt 40something) can't drive and do a lot of things that my dad never let her - now she thinks she's too old or too busy to learn. If she wasn't such a typically repressed wife, I'd have thought she's asexual too. Growing up, my mum always slept next to me and I never knew about sex until I learned it at school. They'd lied to me about babies (said one goes to the doctor for that!) which made sense at the time because the women I knew were undergoing fertility treatments to conceive.

[merkat82]

SouthernMother, if you come back on here, I see that most replies already give the advice I'd give (especially considering I was so much like your daughter - the advice about not pushing her to socialize with her peers is fantastic advice!), but I do wonder if teaching her to respond assertively to her peers when pushed about her sexual orientation might be a good thing to do. Responses such as, "That question is personal and my sexual orientation is my business only." Not only can it be devastating and horrifying to be labeled something you are not and treated horribly by your peers as if there's something wrong with you, but constant questions about orientation are often quite unacceptable and I bet she might partially be isolating herself to avoid the trampling of her boundaries by her peers. I myself found that a lot of my peers simply have no idea that certain topics and questions should be off-limits with anyone but very close friends. It took me a long time to learn that they don't really have a right to ask those questions and that I have the absolute right not to even answer them and to tell the person to simply stop asking.

Some sort of course in assertiveness and boundaries (there's some good books on those topics out there and some counselors work specifically with those subjects) might help her out. Heck, they'd help anyone out, really!

[thylacine]

AXVX -- You mean women "don't" get babies from the doctor's office... ? (kidding!)

When I was a kid, they used to say, "She went to the hospital, to get a baby." You say, "Where do babies come from?" "From the hospital!" It was the early 70's when I heard that one, "babies come from the hospital!"

[crazychick18]

Oh wow! Exept for a couple details I would have sworn my mom had made her own account! I'm almost exactly like your daughter, and my mom doesn't like it much either. I don't like being around people my own age because I can't fit in with them. I can't act like them, and I have zero interest in what they talk about 99% of the time. You wouldnt think it would make quite such as huge behavior difference, but think about it- most of human behavior IS driven by sex and when you take that out of the equation it just doesn't add up. I also love being around the elderly, and around animals too. They don't judge you, and theres not likely to be much sex talk :lol: I don't mind sexual advances to a point-I model and I've had to get used to it-but I hate having to turn guys down over and over. PLEASE don't pressure your daughter to try dating. I've dated twice and hated it. First time was for four monthes so my terminally ill grandma could see me go to prom. (I had to be dating a senior to go because I was a junior) and it made me absolutely nuts in the worst possible way. Second time was for grandma again because she was upset that I only had like 3 friends. Hated it again. Imagine slimy bugs crawling all over you, including in your mouth. That is, without exageration, how I felt about kissing him and chances are your daughter would feel the same way. I don't know if it's normal to be such a loner, but I didnt even want to go to my own senior prom. My mom tricked me into it by getting my best friend to want to go with me and I didnt want to hurt her feelings. I love hanging out with my mom, and I would rather hang out with just her than go out. Hell, I'd rather sit home alone than go out. And I'm not un unhappy person or anything (unless I'm being forced out) . Hope I helped

[crazychick18]

Hello,

I am looking for some insight. First most people assume ( including school staff and other teens) that my daughter is gay. She however identifies as asexual. I am concerned about her, I accept that she is not interested in being 'intimate' with anyone, but are most asexual teens such loners? I thought at first this was a phase because of all the misconceptions and harassment through out school. She has been out of school for three years and she does not socialize at all. She has been through therapy and says she does not need to go back. She gets quite irritated at the advances of others, and I think that is part of the reason she avoids people. She is quite comfortable with children and the elderly but absolutely HATES being around other teens and young adults. Is there anything I should be doing here? Should I be trying to get her to go 'hang out' with her peer group, or should I just let it be.

You shouldn't push her to go out with people their age. Maybe she is an individualist and prefers to be alone. Maybe she's more mature than her peers, maybe she doesn't want to smoke and drink alcohol and participate in discos. She is not the only one who's like that, and it doesn't have much to do with her orientation. Probably when she gets older, she will find friends of her age, since they will become more mature by time going. You have nothing to worry about and sending her to therapist is completely unnecessary.

It would be nice if your daughter joined AVEN :)

Cheers :)

YES YES YES!!! Lol I tried to use that on my mom when she said she didnt understand why I couldnt be social like my cousin whos my age and I was like " well mom would you rather I hang out at home with my pets or would you rather I go out and do drugs and drink and dance naked on a bar and use having sex with other people's boyfriends as revenge like her?" I think that actually helped her realize exactly how much she actually lucked out in the daughter department. Instead of a hard partying, drinking, drugging, parent-hating typical teenager shes got a me-I consider her my best friend, don't drink or do drugs, and certainly don't screw around or dance naked on a bar for cash. Plus I plan to support her when I start making money and have her live with me forever, which she loves because she has a terrible back and really needs to retire. So who really got the good end of that deal?

[zwitterion]

Hope you're still watching this thread, SouthernMother. ;)

As far as I can tell from your posts, I think I am very much like your daughter (minus the gay assumptions). I was very much a loner, and was homeschooled for the last two and a half years of high school (just graduated!) I really only enjoy socializing with kids and people 30+, and my guess is that that's because they tend to be much more real, and they know who they are; there's much less conformity and fakeness outside of my age group. I am social phobic, but I don't know how much of it is because of my asexuality (or vice versa, really). I think I became social phobic, because I didn't know myself well enough to be comfortable socializing with other people, and that eventually turned into a phobia. I'm not saying your daughter is social phobic, but from your posts, it could be a possibility, and I'm just putting it out there. I overcame my phobia (to a certain extent) by homeschooling (ironic, eh?). Being around just myself for long periods of time, I got to know myself without the outside influences over my identity, and being comfortable with myself, it became much easier to be comfortable with other people. I'm never really lonely and never really want to socialize, but being able to is pretty important (you learn that from not being able to :P), so if she can't socialize well, it's best that she figures out some way to learn, and she probably knows that too, as much as she hates the idea. Along with my reclusiveness, I'm solving my social phobia through hypnotherapy (I've avoided anti-depressants, which I'm quite proud of). I feel so much more relaxed because of it.

If she's definitely not social phobic, you can ignore all that. ^ :lol: But I figured if there was a chance, I should post, as I've been in the same situation. Thus, my first post. ;)

[Shadow girl]

Yeah, but in some church groups, they are not so accepting of "different" kinds of people.

The good ones are accepting.

[Charlieee]

I think that any support group in general (even an AVEN meetup, if you would allow it) would be helpful, instead of a religious group. Considering that SouthernMother's daughter might not have religious beliefs that line up with a church, or if she has them at all, plus some religions have certain stigmas about sexuality.....

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[littlelisa]

Wow, all I can say is that I wish my mother was as accepting as you are.

[Iuveth]

I just want to add that I had always connected having a relationship to having sex, so I never wanted to be in one.

However, when I figured out that I was asexual and some other people are this way too, I realized for the first time in my life that I can actually have a relationship. I'm 24, by the way :) I'm a romantic asexual, some asexuals aren't, I don't know how about your daughter but if she is romantic, she may end up dating someone in the future.

BTW, I was a lot like your daughter when growing up and still am in some ways - the kids at school were great, I never got any abuse but I still had different interests and preferred to socialize outside my age group through my hobbies - I joined a couple of clubs, one of which was a martial arts club, and got to know lots of great people. It was much easier because we shared interests, so we had a lot to talk about.