What can I do to help out?

[Nory]

Heya. *waves* M'name's Nory. First-time poster from a shiny-new account, obviously, although I've been lurking for coming up on a week now.

My closest and dearest friend in this world is asexual. I've known that for a long time - heck, she first told me she thought she might be asexual so long ago that my reaction was to find out if this was something I could "sign up" for, like celibacy, because I felt that sex sounded pretty icky too. She was very patient in explaining that no, asexuality wasn't a choice, no more than heterosexuality was. I figured that was cool. It came up now and again in conversation but for the most part, life moved on. She was who she was who she was, and her being asexual didn't change that for me.

I've recently come to realize that life moved on for me, it didn't for her. Well, how could it? It didn't bother me in any way that she was asexual, but that didn't change the fact that she had to live with it. Recent conversation between us has turned up that she feels... well, it's not my right to blare her private feelings right left and center, veil of anonymity or not, but I guess the best way to put it is "left out". Inadequate, in some way, like she's missing a real part of life. She doesn't want to live alone - she's human, she wants someone to love - but the whole world is geared towards sexual people, and society has sex and romance and love all tangled up, and she's not sure she can have one without the others.

And that makes me... well, angry. It's not fair. I hate seeing her hurting like this, but I don't know how to help. I mean, I'm there for her, as much as I possibly can be given that we now live in different cities, but being a metaphorical shoulder to cry on doesn't make it better. It doesn't change the fact that I've never met anyone aside from her and I in real life that knows that asexuality is a legit orientation. It doesn't change that it took days of arguing to convince my father that asexuality wasn't some pre-coming-out refuge from admitting to homosexuality. It doesn't change the fact that as near as I can tell, the campus LGBTQQ group doesn't even acknowledge that asexuality exists.

And, well, I want to do something. (About that last fact, if nothing else.) But I don't precisely know how to start. I feel like I'm stumbling into someone else's fight, here. I'm not asexual. I can't speak as if I understand what it's like to be asexual. I feel like I'd be a fraud, somehow, trying to advocate for a group for which I can't lay claim to membership. Like I would be offending people - and that's the last thing I want to do. Hey, I'm Canadian, and sometimes the cliches hold true: I really do apologize when other people step on my feet, and I have a permanent PC police in the back of my skull, scrutinizing my every action for potential offensive behavior.

So I ask those of you who are asexual: what is it sexual people like me could or should be doing to be a positive force in effecting change?

[sonofzeal]

I'm rather rushed right now, but I want to say - I'm not asexual, yet I'm a moderator on AVEN, I've given interviews to three different newspapers, and I've led two different seminars for Brock Pride on the subject. And I've had dozens of conversations on the subject with random people who might not otherwise have heard. There's no reason you couldn't do the same or more if you have the drive. I'd recommend starting by getting plugged into AVEN (that'll keep you posted on newspaper opportunities and let you know if there's any other aces in your area, as well as getting you informed on all the various related issues), and by talking with the staff of your local LGBTQQ group. Many Queer Pride groups simply aren't aware of asexuality, and others have heard of it but lack information. So bring it up, give them the information, and be willing to talk to groups of people on the subject, even if you don't identify that way yourself.

That said, I think the most important thing right now is to be supportive of that friend of yours. If she isn't on AVEN, give her the link. Talk to her. Be there for her. Any real change in the world is going to come out of relationships with individuals, not out of prosletyzing on the soap box of your local Queer Pride group ( though that helps too). And I think the best thing to do would be to start with her.

[Novalee]

I think it is wonderful that you want to be involved with and supportive of asexuals. I would agree with everything that sonofzeal said about spreading the word and helping your friend. I also would like to add that you should not feel like a "fraud". Plenty of people support things that do not affect them personally. For example, many heterosexuals support same-sex marriage and many men support women's rights. Thanks for caring about the asexual community!