Is he asexual?

[knightpoint]

Hello,

I wanted your expertise and advice.

I recently went out with a man who did not seem interested in having sex with me, but seemed to enjoy kissing, We did have sex once, but after that he attempted a couple of times then seemed to give up after a few minutes. I asked why and he didn't seem t think there was a problem or anything he needed to explain. A few days later I took my top off in front of him and he continued to look into my face as he spoke to me rather than my chest. That made me think he must be gay, because any bloke would at least look! I got angry with him and again asked him what was going on. Eventually he admitted that he had had this problem with his previous girlfriend. He said he didn't know why it was but said it didn't bother him and he would not consider going to the doctor. I stopped seeing him as he didn't seem to want to explain to me what was going on, or do anything about it. I am not willing to have a relationship without sex, so we broke up.

I suggested he must be gay, but he said he knew he wasn't. My only conclusion now is that he must be asexual. Does it sound like it to you? He wants to go out with me again, but if nothing has changed I can't see what the point is. I have nothing against him if he is gay, asexual, or if he has an erectile dysfunction, but it really annoyed me that he didn't want to discuss it and hoped I would just ignore it.

Thanks, if you have any suggestions.

[Space Ace]

Hello friend. It is very possible that your partner could be asexual. Many asexuals realize their orientation during adolescence when teens are generally at their most active. I entered my teen and adult years as the average hetero male. However, during a course of years my interest in having sex declined. This obviously impacted my behavior in relationships. The scenario you described was somewhat familiar to me. Although unlike your partner I was rather “freaked out” about the change in my behavior and did the usual routine of running to every physician and clinic within a 100 mile radius. After running around and not getting any answers I had to deal with the fact that in some way beyond my understanding I had changed. The fact that your partner remained calm during your interaction made me wonder if he too had come to some degree of personal acceptance.

I will tell you from experience that losing relationships with women I truly cared for during this transitional phase was hellish at best. I think your partner does care for you because he continues to seek you out. You need to have a calm non-confrontational discussion about sex. There is no way around it. If he is mature enough to care for you and understand your needs he should be willing to go a little further and explain where he is coming from. That is the only way I see that you will have resolution to your situation.

[mad_scientist]

It is quite possible.

If you don't want to lose him, it is absolutely vital that you stop treating him like he has some sort of problem. Whether or not your orientation difference causes problems in your relationship, his asexuality isn't the problem any more than your heterosexuality is.

It's rather difficult to tell from the limited details in your description, but I strongly suspect he'd like AVEN. You should link him. If he is asexual, you guys aren't going to be able to have much of a constructive discussion about your differing needs unless he knows what this means. He may also benefit from some of the success and failure stories about asexual-sexual relationships here, as may you.