I think my boyfriend is asexual

[Aries71]

I feel such a relief finding this forum.

I have been in a relationship with a man for over a year now. We have connected on many levels. I care for him deeply and I want him to be happy. I am a sexual woman and I have felt so sad and confused over the time of our relationship. My boyfriend has so many of the signs that I have read people talking about on this forum. I thought he was emotionally immature but I think it is more than that. He is 40 and I was his first (attempt) at a sexual relationship. It just didn't work, physically or emotionally. He seemed not to care. After the try he spoke only about how "hard" it was, saying sex was as bad as exercising, he didn't see the point. As we talked more I then realized that he didn't know that he hadn't had a full erection. He had only experienced partial erections and it never bothered him. He doesn't like talk of sex other then in an intellectual, fact based way. When he read some sexual books (The Joy of Sex etc) he understood them intellectually but had no emotional or physical reaction to any of it. He showed concern when I told him our experience was something I had never experienced before, he told he he had no idea what sex or making-out even looked or felt like. Another thing is that he is a side hugger and will hold my hand while sitting next to me but anything face to face he avoids. He will give me a foot or back rub but that is it. I have gone through the full range of emotions from anger and rejection to self doubt to numbness. He has gone to sex therapy and the doctor for meds and when those didn't change anything he just shrugged it off and went on his way, almost pleased he didn't have to try. He does masturbate for a physical release but he can ejaculate without an erection and there is only physical sensations, not emotional when he does. He has no interest in female genital area or male genitals. He compliments my figure but that is as far as it goes. He is not even into what I call teenage style making-out. I have never experienced any level of passion from him.

After finding this forum I am now thinking he may very well be asexual. I feel like this is a relief to me if he is, I can understand this, I could understand if he was gay too, I just want to know what is going on instead of being so confused.

My questions are these...

Now what?

How do I talk to him about this?

Does it sound like this maybe what is going on with him?

How can I explain to someone who does not understand the need for sex that I have a need for sex?

Any other suggestions?

I am at a loss here. I hope you all don't mind giving me feedback soon.

Sincerely

Aries71

[carried in bags]

you have to to the right place. it must be an awkward situation for the both of you. it does sound very much life your boyfriend is asexual. but dont let that make you think he doesnt have feelings for you, i dont think he'd be with you otherwise. does you boyfriend know of the word asexual? it is definatly something you should bring up with him, i have been in similar situations as him with different women. even tho i loved them or just enjoyed spending time with them and cuddling up, i used to dread the part of having sex. i felt there was something wrong with me,. i just wish i had know all the traits of asexuality back then. i dont know how you'd bring it up, i'd probably wait for a sweetheart pillow talk or something. but let him read the avenwiki, and then see what he says. to explain the need for sex, i hear its like a hunger for food(?) but know you know of the little "A" word, its definatly something to talk about. he has probably never talked deeply about his real view on sex. its far easier to go along with everone else then it is to tell the truth

[Astryda]

You said he went to sex therapy but did he make any medical examination? Maybe there's something about hormone level or maybe he has some 'technical' medical problem? Forgive me this but lack of sexual interest sometimes occurs if the person is overweight.

How to talk to him about this? Just tell him you probably know what's going on, that he is asexual (it should interest him if he likes sex related books). Don't be afraid, his lack of sexual interest is something natural to him and this conversation shouldn't cause any problems between you.

Also, try to talk to him and tell how much you need sex (try to compare somethings he likes to sex so he can understand how you feel, for example, if he loves books tell him 'without sex I feel like you without your books, do you want me to feel that way?').

Just in case you were worried that you 'don't look nice enough'- even if he isn't sexually attracted to you, it doesn't mean he doesn't like your look.

Good luck :)

[Aries71]

Thank you for your feedback.

My bf did go to a Dr and everything was "normal". The Dr told him his body was use to not having sex so take drug to get an erection then have sex and his body would know it was ok to do... ya, that didn't work. He got semi-errect then once he headed for my .... he went soft. I was devistated but realized this was something more than he understood.

I have likened sex to other basic needs and he gets sad and says he is "trying to figure it out" then the subject is over. I hope he will relate to what asexual is and understand he can't think his way out of this.

I will be honest, I am not sure I want a relationship without sex. I feel already he is like a brother. Maybe without my expectations of sex our relationship will get closer but for now I am not sure I want to spend my life with out any passion. I feel so sad.

[Aries71]

I spoke with my bf last night. He said he has desire inside, it just doesn't get expressed outside.

Hmmm. Not sure what to think now.

I know many of you have looked at many answers before finding this. What are your thoughts? Maybe this isn't the answer but I am at a loss.

I would appreciate any ideas.

Thank you~

[Astryda]

It sounds like he just doesn't want to have sex/is uninterested. I don't think you can do anything about it if he doesn't understand your needs.

[Skinnee Jay]

Excuse me, but there is something I simply don't understand: What's wrong with having a relationship without sex?

[mad_scientist]

Try sending him here. It will probably be a lot easier for us to understand this from his POV, simply because the majority of us aren't all that interested in sex either. After he's determined his own sexuality it will be much easier for you to discuss your needs and so forth with him.

[Aries71]

Excuse me, but there is something I simply don't understand: What's wrong with having a relationship without sex?

Nothing is wrong with not having sex in a relationship as long as it honors both partners. If it is something that is agreed upon then it is great. I want sex, it is that simple. I have been in relationships where there was sex and now one without, I preper with sex.

I understand that everyone has different needs and wants. He and I have very different needs and wants in this area.

I am here to understand how to support him and to check in with myself if this is something I want in a relationship or not.

Thank you to everyone who replied! I really appreciate it!

[JuniorAntiSexLeague]

What about an open relationship? Have you asked him about that?

[Aries71]

What about an open relationship? Have you asked him about that?

I have not asked him. I have a fear that I would feel like I was cheating. I have been the cheated-on before so I don't think I would be comfortable with that. I have friends who have that and it works for some and has been a constant struggle for others, so I think it is a no for me.

Thanks for the idea...

[Guest (?)]

If he is saying that he honestly does fancy you and wants sex with you then you have to be sure he is telling the truth, if he is then I feel it's fear of failing or embarrasement of not being sexually experienced more than being asexual.

I feel he is probably also a quiet person and not used to showing his emotions and if this is the case it could just be emotional supression than a lack of a sexual desire. failing that be honest with him about how you feel also

[NonGeneric]

Hi absolutely everything you have described is me, like you have observed my life, I miss the touch from a female i am currently not in any relationship because i hate having to "explain" myself. it is embarrassing. what I wanted to say you have already said, thank you.

[evanescence]

He doesn't get aroused from sexual stimuli and has never been motivated to have sex in his 40 years. I would say by all indications he's asexual. Whatever label you give or don't give him, he clearly doesn't have the "standard" sexual response and the chances of him changing at this stage of the game are from zero to nil. Telling him you need sex won't affect his desire for it one bit. Save your breath. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you may as well face reality now. If you want a passionate, sexual relationship, this is not the guy to have it with.

Evanescence

p.s. His statement that he "desires you inside but it doesn't get expressed outside" is code for "I don't respond sexually to sexual activity," IMO.

[Crazy_Badge_lady]

Edited.

[sonofzeal]

Actually it sounds like he has TMS. This is Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome. Men who masturbate prone (face down/rubbing genitalia against mattress, etc) instead of manual stimulatoin lose sensation/sensitivity in their penises. They lose the ability to ever be fully hard with a woman and can ejaculate while only semi-erect. This is why sex might be so exhausting for your boyfriend. Most male victims of TMS don't know they have the condition and they have the condition for life - starting in childhood or early teens. Fortunately it can be cured. Not through drugs, but through simple relaxation techniques that are free. Basically, he's got to learn how to masturbate using non-harmful, non-stressful techniques that don't damage/traumatise the erectile tissue.

However, why not (1) Direct your boyfirend to this site and ASK him if he thinks he's asexual.

(2) Cover any other options e.g. was he sexually abused as a child? Sexual abuse can shut down sexual interest.

(3) Find out how he masturbates. If he masturbates any way other than using his hand - alarm bells. He may have TMS.

Best luck on your journey.

AOA.

I believe that's a myth, but one with a germ of truth. Thing is, not all penises are as sensitive as eachother. Some are excessively sensitive, and often results in.... well,

. Alternatively, some people are not so sensitive, despite having a healthy sex drive (I'm one of them). For these people, manual stimulation doesn't tend to do much; they need to stimulate other areas at the same time, or to use a lot of pressure, and masturbating by grinding against a bed is one way to accomplish that. In short, I don't think that's what causes lack of sensitivity, I think that's a result of it.

[AVENCakes]

He doesn't get aroused from sexual stimuli and has never been motivated to have sex in his 40 years. I would say by all indications he's asexual. Whatever label you give or don't give him, he clearly doesn't have the "standard" sexual response and the chances of him changing at this stage of the game are from zero to nil. Telling him you need sex won't affect his desire for it one bit. Save your breath. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you may as well face reality now. If you want a passionate, sexual relationship, this is not the guy to have it with.

Evanescence

p.s. His statement that he "desires you inside but it doesn't get expressed outside" is code for "I don't respond sexually to sexual activity," IMO.

Not necessarily. Sexual desire is more internal, so he might emotionally want it but there might be a physical reason he can't get it up. I do get turned on by sexual stimuli, but I rarely enjoy it and have no interest of it developing into sex because I have no sexual desire. A lot of asexuals can get physically turned on, I've seen people lament that their body responds as it's supposed to in that situation, they wish it wouldn't, and their partner compounds it by assuming it means they want sex. I'm not saying it's impossible that he's asexual, just that there could be more to it.

I have to agree it might be physical. I don't think there's any reason to say that someone who actually claims to desire you sexually is lying, it sounds more like a red flag for a physical issue. If he got turned on and still showed no interest and didn't express any desire, then I'd be more inclined to say "Yep, asexual". But "I desire you inside but it doesn't get expressed outside" sounds more like he does have sexual desire, but for some reason there's a disconnect so he doesn't get turned on or whatever and can't act on that desire.

[evanescence]

I have to agree it might be physical. I don't think there's any reason to say that someone who actually claims to desire you sexually is lying, it sounds more like a red flag for a physical issue. If he got turned on and still showed no interest and didn't express any desire, then I'd be more inclined to say "Yep, asexual". But "I desire you inside but it doesn't get expressed outside" sounds more like he does have sexual desire, but for some reason there's a disconnect so he doesn't get turned on or whatever and can't act on that desire.

We'll have to agree to disagree, then. There are lots of reasons people might lie (possibly subconsciously) about their desire -- to preserve their own or their partner's self-esteem, for one. Second, having "sexual desire inside" but not getting turned on sounds more like "wishing I had sexual desire but not actually having it" to me. Getting turned on by sexual stimuli and activities is how sexual desire manifests itself. Wanting to want isn't the same thing as wanting. In my opinion, the physical aspect of ED is hugely overplayed in our current society. I understand the wish to avoid stigmatization and hence label ED a physical problem, but the fact is that most healthy young men who can't get it up are simply not aroused. If a sexual encounter arouses you as much as watching a documentary about third-world exploitation does, you won't get an erection. Doesn't mean you have a physical problem.

The OP's boyfriend IS able to function physically, when he masturbates. But from what she describes, it's clear he isn't getting turned on, even when going solo. He simply rubs a certain way until he orgasms, but he's not feeling psychologically aroused. He's not aroused by reading about sex, kissing, or fantasizing. Bottom line, it sounds to me like the guy's (a)sexual patterns are pretty well entrenched, and the poster is likely to suffer a lot of frustration and heartache if she expects him to change into a standard-issue horny male.

E.

[mad_scientist]

He might think he desires her physically when he doesn't. I confused romantic desire and desire for cuddling with sexual desire for years. We shouldn't assume this, but it's a possibility.

[Crazy_Badge_lady]

Deleted.

[lauriekassie]

You said he went to sex therapy but did he make any medical examination? Maybe there's something about hormone level or maybe he has some 'technical' medical problem? Forgive me this but lack of sexual interest sometimes occurs if the person is overweight.

How to talk to him about this? Just tell him you probably know what's going on, that he is asexual (it should interest him if he likes sex related books). Don't be afraid, his lack of sexual interest is something natural to him and this conversation shouldn't cause any problems between you.

Also, try to talk to him and tell how much you need sex (try to compare somethings he likes to sex so he can understand how you feel, for example, if he loves books tell him 'without sex I feel like you without your books, do you want me to feel that way?').

Just in case you were worried that you 'don't look nice enough'- even if he isn't sexually attracted to you, it doesn't mean he doesn't like your look.

Good luck :)

[lauriekassie]

I will be honest, I am not sure I want a relationship without sex. I feel already he is like a brother. Maybe without my expectations of sex our relationship will get closer but for now I am not sure I want to spend my life with out any passion.

I cannot believe I am reading this.... This is exactly how I feel but I have had my boyfriend for over three years. It is not so much that he makes me feel needy, but I feel without any lovemaking, which is not just sex it goes beyond that. After three years he cannot say anything nice about me or kiss me, even when he greets me. He is more and more withholding. He loves going out and doing things together, just that is it. He does want to be with me. When he sleeps over at my house he sleeps in a different room. His house is different he only has one bedroom and the couch usually has things on it that cannot be moved so I have to sleep in the same bed. He tells me to he let him go to bed first so he can fall asleep first I have to wait in the other room usually not too long. My boyfriend and I have made love but "rarely" less than a hand full of times in three years. I have shown him this site... he laughed and said, "So you think I am asexual? He says he loves sex especially with me but he has some stress right now. I am sorry I spent so much time with him, one year is too long it won't get better. He told me he loves me but I won't get any more than I am getting now.

[Guest (?)]

Unfortuneatly it is a common missconception that men think about sex 15 times a day, masturbate like a fiddlers elbow and are walking hard ons.

Truth most men at some age have erection issues(not always older ones), most occasionally masturbate and most do not have sex every day.

There is also some missunderstanding on the Asexual boundary..there isn't one. being Asexual doesn't mean you have no wish for sex to all Asexuals and therefore he may be afraid to show affection through fear it may lead to sexual things and so decides to remove the risk.

It is sometimes the biggest wake up call for sexual partners of Asexuals in that ..no they won't change, no he/she is unlikely to suffenly turn into a raving sex addict or that phase hasn't passed.

In most cases when an Asexual/sexual relationship takes place and it continues to be a longer one then there is a fair chance that is how it will stay and if the sexual cannot accept the Asexuals love is by deed and words but not sex then decisions have to be made and some times they are difficult and upsetting decisions.

[freespirit]

Excuse me, but there is something I simply don't understand: What's wrong with having a relationship without sex?

Nothing is wrong with not having sex in a relationship as long as it honors both partners. If it is something that is agreed upon then it is great. I want sex, it is that simple. I have been in relationships where there was sex and now one without, I preper with sex.

I understand that everyone has different needs and wants. He and I have very different needs and wants in this area.

I am here to understand how to support him and to check in with myself if this is something I want in a relationship or not.

Thank you to everyone who replied! I really appreciate it!

I totally understand you. I've been in a sexless relationship for years and I know what you're going through. Despite the sex issue, are you on the same wavelength?