I wish I was asexual, not just pretending

[Lightening star]

Okay this is long so bare with me if you must.

I've searched all over the internet curious to know if anybody can relate to the situation my mind finds itself in. You see, there's no way I'm asexual, I'm attracted to women like crazy, I'm attractive, I can be quite charming, yet I'm in my mid twenties, I've never had a girlfriend and I've only ever had sex once and that was with a prostitute when I was 19, and the only reason I did was to get the virgin tag of my back which backfired anyway because people who know me still think I'm a virgin because they've never seen me chat up women and think I made the prostitute story up.

You see, I know what the underlying issue is,(I wasn't sexually abused or anything like that) I view all forms of human affection as weak. I feel disgust and contempt when I see others hug, kiss, cry or say they love others. I feel contempt and revulsion towards these people (sometimes fury) for being weak. They rely on others for happiness then themselves, something which seems alien to me as I really don't care for relationships. I do however wish for people to admire or even fear me,I'm obssessed with my appearence, I like to exercise and I'm always looking at my reflection through shop windows and I do have an urge for sex but create an illusion to others that I don't. I often make excuses such as I'm shy, and I won't talk to women I find attractive in case people think I'm chatting them up but I'll talk to men which makes me seem like I'm gay when I know I'm not. I'm also addicted to pornography and have been for several years.

I want people to think I'm asexual, I'm not repulsed by sex but I want others to think I am, I'd feel disgusted if people knew the truth as that would make me feel like a human. Ideally I'd have sex secretly but I'm too paranoid the person will tell someone who knows me so I don't bother, and like I've already mentioned I have no desire for a relationship and people become too clingy.

This way of thinking ruined my teenage years as I didn't bother going out as I knew my friends at that time would think I'm weird, for example, they would say "wow she's hot" and although I'd be think the same, I'd usually just respond with a reluctant " yeah" which seemed false.

This whole situation has me rather depressed at the moment and this world frustrates the hell out of me, and I say you people who are asexual should count your blessings.

[ProdeFemme]

I view all forms of human affection as weak. I feel disgust and contempt when I see others hug, kiss, cry or say they love others. I feel contempt and revulsion towards these people (sometimes fury) for being weak.

Well, you may not want to consider yourself repulsed, but the above comment would imply otherwise.

You are far from alone in this feeling/opinion, this is more or less along the lines of antisexuals. Of course, if you find yourself desiring sex and yet harbor the feelings of an anti that would be a hell of a conundrum to be in.

Unfortunately, I don't know any anti sites specifically, but I'm sure a quick Google of antisexual or antis3xual should pull some up. You should look at antisexualism, and see where that takes you. It might not be where you are at, but more information and opinions certainly couldn't hurt. And the contempt or disgust would be something anti's could definitely relate to, which could probably point you in a better direction then the apathy towards intimacy that's pretty common here. Not that you're not welcome here of course, I'm just trying to think what would be the most relatable, to help you find some answers.

I wish you luck, figuring out who you are is a horribly frustrating ordeal.

[Guest Fosco]

For me showing signs of affection is very powerful.

I wish I could relate to you better and help you, but I'm having difficulty. Perhaps talking to a relationship councilor might be an option? There maybe more to why you think this way than you first believe. I don't know you, so I can't say, just an idea.

Anyhoo. I hope you find the answers you are looking for

Welcome to AVEN

:cake:

[Teagan KGB]

You sound sexual but aromantic. You don't want relationships, or all the touchy feely-ness, but you are sexually attracted. Of course, that's only a label and only you can say if it applies.

Then again, maybe you should think about why you see showing emotions is weak. I'm not really one to talk. I generally think I show too much emotion, but my friends say I'm unemotional and secretive. It's not a matter that I think showing emotion is weak persay, only that it can be weak at the wrong times (being frozen with fear, or out of your senses with love, etc). But there are times it's understandable or even necessary to show emotion.

Also, just because someone is asexual doesn't mean that they don't have a sex drive, only that they are not attracted to either sex or any gender to fulfill that drive.

I believe that you can't find happiness with someone else until you are happy with yourself, no matter what sexual or romantic orientation you are. If you try to fulfill yourself through someone else without being secure in yourself, it will be shallow even if you found the "right person".

[thecynicalromantic]

Frankly, it sounds to me like your general disgust with being human is a way bigger problem than merely of sexuality.

I do count my asexuality as a blessing, but it's not because hoomins r weak and I want to be removed from them, it's just because I appreciate that human sexuality is extremely variant, and I feel like I lucked out getting a relatively low-maintenance variety in that particular aspect of my life (especially since other aspects of my life are a little more high-maintenance). I'm asexual, and I'm okay with that. You, on the other hand, are sexual, and you need to find a way to be okay with that. Before you can do that, though, you're going to have to accept that you're human, and be okay with that.

[Maxx1128]

You honestly sound a whole lot like me. I'm a Grey A Aromantic Asexual, but feeling any kind of sexual feelings just annoys the bloody hell out of me. Seeing girls who flaunt their sexuality obsessively and rely on others being sexually attracted to them as a main source of happiness is just sad to me, and I wish people would just stop being so stupidly sexual.

Personally, if I had just one wish, I would just want to have my libido completely disposed of, and life would be a whole lot simpler. If I had another two wishes, I'd wish for every single guy in my school to loose their libidos for one week and all of the girls to be hypersexual for the same week, and cameras all around the school to record the greatness that would occur during that week. :)

If society was just not as sexually obsessed as it was today, than I would be oh so happy. But since it isn't, life is just going to be oh so annoying because of it. As for why, maybe I'm just getting some misanthropic tendencies, of it's just my antisex ones, I dunno, but I can still deal with it.

[Jazmin]

Like someone else has already said, you sound sexual but aromantic and anti-sexual.

[metalgirl2045]

or sexual but repulsed

[One Winged Angel]

Anti-Sexual maybe?

[AVENCakes]

He might just feel he isn't human and wants to separate himself from it. It's not that big a deal. I feel the same way, more or less. You've just got to accept that humans make up most of the population and they'll think of you as human no matter what you do. I'm sure there are other ways to deal with it, since you feel it so strongly it can be difficult.

I also agree you might be aromantic and/or antisexual, and should come to terms with your sexuality. Humans aren't the only creatures who are sexual, most animals are. It doesn't make you any more or less human to be sexual.

Before you can do that, though, you're going to have to accept that you're human, and be okay with that.

Actually, he just has to accept his body is that of a human's and he can't do anything to keep from being seen as human, not that he "is" human.

[isjusterin]

All I can say is, you might not want to use the label asexual, for the simple fact that it would be misleading. I'm thinking anti-sexual (or anti-social, if you want to be more severe) would be more proper. I know asexuals try to be inclusive about the term, but what you're describing is probably not along those lines.

[Data]

I am asocial personally, and I don't feel like judging if socializing is weakness or not becouse it does not interest me. Why do you care if other fear you or admire you it sound like weakness by your criteria, you seem like narcissist there. Maybe you should visit a psychologist, obviously it seem like you have some problems but pretending that you don't is neither strong nor it seem like it could work in the long run. I am not really happy about being human either, and I have big problems with anhedonia, and not being interested in anything, those two things maybe don't make me very human like, but being human makes me unable to solve those problems.

[Teagan KGB]

All I can say is, you might not want to use the label asexual, for the simple fact that it would be misleading. I'm thinking anti-sexual (or anti-social, if you want to be more severe) would be more proper. I know asexuals try to be inclusive about the term, but what you're describing is probably not along those lines.

What most people think of as antisocial is actually schizoid personality disorder (if it's a problem for the person) or strong introversion if it isn't a problem. Being antisocial basically means you have no conscience and believe that society's rules don't apply to you. I know both. They are very different types of people.

[Lightening star]

Some interesting replies.

I will agree that I'm aromantic, I've never cared for a romantic relationship, and the closest I recall having any feelings of being in love was a crush I had on a female celebrity for a few days when I was a teenager.

I don't tell anybody that knows me I'm asexual either, I just act like one in that I've hardly ever shown any interest in someone in a sexual way so I assume they think I am, though I suspect some may think I'm a "closet homosexual" when in actual fact I'm a "closet heterosexual".

You see I'm actually stuck in an inner conflict in that there are times when I desperate to have sex, and I'm sick of people who know me for thinking I'm weird for not doing so, plus they wouldn't think my sexual orientation lies elsewhere. However the mere thought of someone seeing me kiss a woman (nevermind thinking I might have sex with her) would make me feel disgusted, because I believe it may be mistaken for showing affection (it is affection I think ), which is a weakness, as is love.

So you see I'm secretly stuck in a hidden torment which often makes me depressed but I won't attempt suicide as that's also weak,I will never see a psychologist as that's accepting defeat and I don't trust them anyway.

[BalladOfJayne]

I think you should see someone. Maybe not a psychologist, but I think you'd get a lot out of working with some impartial third party one-on-one (with a confidentiality clause thrown into the mix if you're worried about privacy). It comes down to this: you don't seem happy to me. You come across as downright miserable, and whatever you end up deciding is going on with you, if it interferes with your happiness and your quality of life, it becomes an issue that'd you'd be better off dealing with. Find a person who you can talk to and talk. It's not accepting defeat, it's taking your issues and kicking their collective ass! A person can't accept who they are overnight. It's a process, so don't be discouraged if you don't feel magicallly okay about yourself right away, or if you can't stop thinking about how others perceive you. I feel like I should say something about self-actualization right now, but I think that's just because I've been in my theory class for too long. Have some cake instead!

[Data]

I will never see a psychologist as that's accepting defeat and I don't trust them anyway.

Psychologist are only humans also, some of them can give good insight some not. The reason why it is worth to see one is that they are studding problems that you are talking about, and they have knowledge from work. It requires much more strength to admit that you have problem and looking for help, then to pretend that you are something else then you are, there is nothing strong about how you behave.

[AVENCakes]

I will never see a psychologist as that's accepting defeat and I don't trust them anyway.

Psychologist are only humans also, some of them can give good insight some not. The reason why it is worth to see one is that they are studding problems that you are talking about, and they have knowledge from work. It requires much more strength to admit that you have problem and looking for help, then to pretend that you are something else then you are, there is nothing strong about how you behave.

I don't trust them, either, but you don't sound like you've got any problems that make it too dangerous to trust them (nothing that'll get you locked up or give them reason to break the confidentiality thing or whatever)

[Skinnee Jay]

I'm very similar to you. Although I'm kind of repulsed by sex and sexual society (Like Max) and less by kissing and stuff. Although that kind of scares me too.

Either way, I can't say much. I also wish I was asexual. It would've been a whole lot better. We're almost one and the same.

Stick around!

[thewrll]

The poster just scares me. Seems a little to angry for their own good.

[ProdeFemme]

Naw, it's honest. When I was younger I was rather repulsed, and elitist, and I can honestly relate to a lot of these sentiments. I remember thinking everyone around me was weak, and beneath me, because all they did was cater to the base carnal impulse all the time. Everyone was pathetic because of this weakness. I didn't walk around with a grimace and a big vien popping on my forehead all the time, but it did irritate me to no bloody end. And if I'd been blunt about it at 18, I could have easily written most of the post.

[stillwanderingstill]

Huh. Wish I knew what it was to be attracted to someone. Apparently people get an achey feeling inside and feel heat around their body. Sometimes I feel like an emotionally and chemically void weirdo.

[Ocelot]

You appear to be deliberately avoiding sex to avoid being in a relationship. I can see why you would want people to believe you're asexual, in this case. You sound like a very antisocial person who does not want human contact. I can comprehend this from an intellectual standpoint, but personally I can't relate to it at all, as I'm the exact opposite of you, which is why the thought that one can want sex but not affection doesn't make sense to me. I love other people and crave human companionship, even with my socially retarding disability, and the thought of never being hugged, never being comforted, never hearing the words "I love you", is depressing.

The fact that you lost your virginity to a prostitute doesn't make sense to me either. Before I discovered asexuality I told myself that I would avoid specifically this. To me, losing your virginity in this way suggests not only that you can't get it without paying for it, but that you are desperate enough that you are willing to pay for it. If I had sex with a prostitute I wouldn't consider it a loss of virginity. It would be cheating. In my view, who you lose your virginity to is something that will affect how you see yourself and how others see you. It's a matter of honor.

That said, I don't think you will find yourself at home here. This is a community of asexuals, not misanthropists. Most of us want love and companionship to some degree, something that you would not identify with, and many of us want to be in relationships. If you can find happiness without depending on others, then that's great. Will it make your life better? That's a matter of opinion. Studies have shown that people who are married live longer than people who are not married. They also show that joining a single social organization can extend your life by something like 10 years. But if you don't want to be around other people, then by all means don't. If you're happy that way, then I'm not going to try to change you. But I think you are misunderstanding who we are.

[DagonX]

I am very complex Asexual with lots of history of sexuality, in lot of very perverse and complex ways that is incredibly difficult for me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually at times.

I am a Asexual who has very complex sexuality and numerous sexual experiences before I ever decided that when it comes to others and my sexual experiences its full of disconnection, angst, pain, frusteration, isolation, boredom and generally often 98 percent of my life has never been about me feeling sexually attracted to others but operating on need for physical touch or something else.

I still have sexual desires that drive me nuts and inablity to find the type of intimacy I crave with others sometimes I get really angry, depressed and just down right distraught about it. I am more accepting of this part of myself and now I have little bit of puzzle why I have such hard time intimately bonding with others. I would never probably had sex on my own if I hadn't lived in culture that hadn't sexualized me young and forced me into sexual activity.

I still have hard time letting go of idea that my value is based on my ablity to be seen as sexual useful human being, and male identified being who just plain odd and unusual. That if I am not out there having sex like the other guys something is really too queer about me and I need to like get it together and be like every other guy out there. I can't I try, I refuse now but sometimes it really gets to me.

Sometimes it really bothers me to be who I am, regardless of my labels I just hurt and feel way too much intensely. The truth is in my reality humans just aren't very accepting nor loving and I have formed a aversion to most human beings I think.

I am older Aven member but I lost my former account due to some weird password glitch. Over years I have actually found myself in Gay Celibate relationship. Its been interesting feeling all I do and being with someone who understands my complexity but the relationship I never intended to have another, at times it be very difficult. Life is sometimes difficult, dealing with emotions, even non-sexual or sexual intimacy is difficult. I often deal with lot of difficult challenges but things aren't always easy being a Human being. We all have challenges or hard difficult emotions, experiences. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel anything it just would be easier but being totally numb and shut down is uncomfortable when I experienced it too.

I think it all comes down for me is about self-acceptance and accepting others where ever and how ever things are at this present time. Some days acceptance isn't easy thing to experience.

[Ocelot]

I am very complex Asexual with lots of history of sexuality, in lot of very perverse and complex ways that is incredibly difficult for me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually at times.

I am a Asexual who has very complex sexuality and numerous sexual experiences before I ever decided that when it comes to others and my sexual experiences its full of disconnection, angst, pain, frusteration, isolation, boredom and generally often 98 percent of my life has never been about me feeling sexually attracted to others but operating on need for physical touch or something else.

I still have sexual desires that drive me nuts and inablity to find the type of intimacy I crave with others sometimes I get really angry, depressed and just down right distraught about it. I am more accepting of this part of myself and now I have little bit of puzzle why I have such hard time intimately bonding with others. I would never probably had sex on my own if I hadn't lived in culture that hadn't sexualized me young and forced me into sexual activity.

I still have hard time letting go of idea that my value is based on my ablity to be seen as sexual useful human being, and male identified being who just plain odd and unusual. That if I am not out there having sex like the other guys something is really too queer about me and I need to like get it together and be like every other guy out there. I can't I try, I refuse now but sometimes it really gets to me.

Sometimes it really bothers me to be who I am, regardless of my labels I just hurt and feel way too much intensely. The truth is in my reality humans just aren't very accepting nor loving and I have formed a aversion to most human beings I think.

I am older Aven member but I lost my former account due to some weird password glitch. Over years I have actually found myself in Gay Celibate relationship. Its been interesting feeling all I do and being with someone who understands my complexity but the relationship I never intended to have another, at times it be very difficult. Life is sometimes difficult, dealing with emotions, even non-sexual or sexual intimacy is difficult. I often deal with lot of difficult challenges but things aren't always easy being a Human being. We all have challenges or hard difficult emotions, experiences. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel anything it just would be easier but being totally numb and shut down is uncomfortable when I experienced it too.

I think it all comes down for me is about self-acceptance and accepting others where ever and how ever things are at this present time. Some days acceptance isn't easy thing to experience.

I wouldn't say you're asexual. Antisexual might be a more appropriate label.