Question to sexuals...

[Paradise_Paradise]

What always astounds - and quite amuses me, in a way - is to hear just how often sexuals want or actively think about having sex. I don't think I really realize until I see answers like some of these just how how strongly sex features in their lives, and how very different my thinking is from theirs. This is even when I consider myself a fairly sex-positive asexual, who can enjoy detached thoughts about sex involving other people.

AllyCat, you say you usually want to have sex every 48 hours, which seems absolutely ridiculous to me - no insult intended, honestly! :) And Olivier, you mentioned how you need to have sexuality, in some form, in your daily life, even if you don't actually have sex. Don't you have days where you just... don't think about it? Where it just isn't too important?

[Olivier]

And Olivier, you mentioned how you need to have sexuality, in some form, in your daily life, even if you don't actually have sex. Don't you have days where you just... don't think about it? Where it just isn't too important?

Oh, most days it isn't too important. :) And I tend not to think of it if I'm ill

Part of it, for me personally, is that I my wife and I both work mostly at home, and we spend a lot of time in each other's company. Which is cool, because we never tire of each other's company, even after twenty years. And after twenty years, I still find her sexy on a daily basis, and it just seems natural for me to express that rather than repress it, even if that's just a through a compliment, or a cuddle, or a kiss. It's nice if it's something more, too, but it usually isn't.

Going back to my analogy with the sense of smell, you question strikes me as similar to "I can't believe people detect smells so often - aren't there days where you just don't smell anything?" There's a world of difference between sexuality always being there and it crowding out other things - that's rare.

[Paradise_Paradise]

And Olivier, you mentioned how you need to have sexuality, in some form, in your daily life, even if you don't actually have sex. Don't you have days where you just... don't think about it? Where it just isn't too important?

Oh, most days it isn't too important. :) And I tend not to think of it if I'm ill

Part of it, for me personally, is that I my wife and I both work mostly at home, and we spend a lot of time in each other's company. Which is cool, because we never tire of each other's company, even after twenty years. And after twenty years, I still find her sexy on a daily basis, and it just seems natural for me to express that rather than repress it, even if that's just a through a compliment, or a cuddle, or a kiss.

Ah, well, those could also stand alone and simply be affectionate-romantic, not necessary sexual. Even I might behave somewhat similarly with a husband/boyfriend - but the actions would stand alone in my case. To you, though, do they always have a sexual tone? I don't mean that you would ever attempt to push your wife, but would the possibility be there in your own mind each time that it could be a lead-in to sex? Would you be able to do one of the above and it have absolutely nothing to do with sex? Or are they inextricably bound up together for you? Could you kiss your wife as platonically as you could kiss one of your children - I don't mean with precisely the same kinds of emotions, obviously, but as platonically?

Going back to my analogy with the sense of smell, you question strikes me as similar to "I can't believe people detect smells so often - aren't there days where you just don't smell anything?" There's a world of difference between sexuality always being there and it crowding out other things - that's rare.

So in the same way as none of us can help picking up scents, as a sexual person, you just can't help seeing the sexual aspect of things, even if you don't wish to act on it at that precise moment? *intrigued* It's not just to do with more or less hormonal urges, is it - it really is a whole different way of thinking.

[Olivier]

And Olivier, you mentioned how you need to have sexuality, in some form, in your daily life, even if you don't actually have sex. Don't you have days where you just... don't think about it? Where it just isn't too important?

Oh, most days it isn't too important. :) And I tend not to think of it if I'm ill

Part of it, for me personally, is that I my wife and I both work mostly at home, and we spend a lot of time in each other's company. Which is cool, because we never tire of each other's company, even after twenty years. And after twenty years, I still find her sexy on a daily basis, and it just seems natural for me to express that rather than repress it, even if that's just a through a compliment, or a cuddle, or a kiss.

Ah, well, those could also stand alone and simply be affectionate-romantic, not necessary sexual. Even I might behave somewhat similarly with a husband/boyfriend - but the actions would stand alone in my case. To you, though, do they always have a sexual tone? I don't mean that you would ever attempt to push your wife, but would the possibility be there in your own mind each time that it could be a lead-in to sex? Would you be able to do one of the above and it have absolutely nothing to do with sex? Or are they inextricably bound up together for you? Could you kiss your wife as platonically as you could kiss one of your children - I don't mean with precisely the same kinds of emotions, obviously, but as platonically?

They don't always have a sexual tone (maybe a bit of an undertone), and I certainly don't think of them as a possible prelude to sex. something doesn't have to feel like it's on the path to intercourse to feel sexual (or have a sexual element). In fact, it's sort of useful that they are sexual to me, but not so much to my wife, which is a win-win.

Going back to my analogy with the sense of smell, you question strikes me as similar to "I can't believe people detect smells so often - aren't there days where you just don't smell anything?" There's a world of difference between sexuality always being there and it crowding out other things - that's rare.

So in the same way as none of us can help picking up scents, as a sexual person, you just can't help seeing the sexual aspect of things, even if you don't wish to act on it at that precise moment? *intrigued* It's not just to do with more or less hormonal urges, is it - it really is a whole different way of thinking.

Yes, pretty much. Although it's not very conscious, it just IS (for me). I have no doubt hormones are involved, though :)

[Paradise_Paradise]

They don't always have a sexual tone (maybe a bit of an undertone), and I certainly don't think of them as a possible prelude to sex. something doesn't have to feel like it's on the path to intercourse to feel sexual (or have a sexual element).

That's a little confusing! Saying that something could have a personal sexual element* but that you wouldn't necessarily - even just in your own mind - be thinking of it as being directly related to having sex seems like a contradiction in terms to me. lol. Surely it either makes you want sex or it doesn't..?

Thank you (and the same to other sexual people who have posted here) for some intriguing answers.

I think that I've always assumed that what a long-term (sexual) relationship was like was that after the initial 'falling in love' phase where you feel giddy just at being in the other person's presence passed, someone (a) saw their partner most of the time as someone they were really, really fond of and just loved being around, and then (b) every so often they'd get a hormonal surge and want to have sex with them. I didn't really get that there was always this sexual aspect to their interaction, even if they weren't in the mood for actual sex at that moment.

(a) I can most definitely relate to! (b) I can even understand in theory. It's that grey area in between that's quite bewildering to me.

* I say personal sexual element, because I love romantic TV and fiction, and if there's an actor I find attractive and particularly like seeing - and would look forward to seeing - in that kind of material, then I obviously must look at him in a way that's somehow 'sexual', or I'd get exactly the same enjoyment from seeing him in a war movie. But it's detached. It has literally nothing to do with me personally. I don't wish it was me that could have sex with him; I don't even feel any need to relieve myself. Indeed, it's so different, to me, from a truly sexual feeling that if I one day found myself becoming literally turned on, it would disgust me and ruin it. Most peculiar...

[Olivier]

I guess it's something to do with sex being so much more than intercourse. Perhaps an example would help:

It's summer here - and it can get hot and humid. It's not unusual for my wife to wear very short loose-fitting little black dresses around the house. If I pursed intercourse every time I noticed how sexy her legs look, then I'd get nothing else done, and sexual as I am I actually also have other interests and uses for my time But I notice her sexual attractiveness. How could I not? It would be like not smelling freshly brewed coffee :)

Now, there's a step at the end of our hallway and if we're passing each other there we'll often stop for a hug (it's the only step in the house, and as I'm 7 inches taller than my wife, it's a comfortable place to hug). Now if I've been particularly aware of how sexually attractive she is to me, I may well pay my wife a compliment on her appearance and hug her under her dress. Not grope her, just put my arms around the small of her back. I'm on the lower step, so it's easy enough to do. It's a little extra skin on skin touch. We both like that. It's intimate to both of us. It's also mildly sexual to me, but not to her. Then we head on to whatever we were heading to do before we ran into each other.

It's not an either/or. I'm perfectly capable of discussing the kids' schooling, or politics, or work plans with my wife while also noticing that she's sitting on the couch with her legs slung over the armrest looking sexy as hell. Who said men can't multitask? :P Being aware of my wife's sexual attractiveness to me doesn't stop me being attentive to our conversation any more than being able to smell her perfume would. It's just there. It just as real to me as any other sensory input.

Oh and one last smell analogy: Just say our kitchen smelled constantly of fabulous coffee (not far from the truth :)), but only one of us liked coffee, while the other was indifferent, or liked the smell, but not the taste. After a while in or around the kitchen, the coffee-lover would probably want a cup of coffee - naturally subject to their preference for how many cups of coffee they like each day, and their mood, and how well they were feeling, and whatever. The non-coffee-drinker could spend all day in the kitchen, and still not reach for the pot. Very occasionally they might have a cup to be sociable, or if they just felt like it, or share some coffee flavoured chocolates or tiramisu. But they could go the rest of their lives without coffee, too, even though they smelled it every time they entered their kitchen.

It's a bit like that with us and sex, although that analogy is just about at breaking point. My excuse: it's late here ;) Night, night!

[zoidberger]

Oh and one last smell analogy: Just say our kitchen smelled constantly of fabulous coffee (not far from the truth :)), but only one of us liked coffee, while the other was indifferent, or liked the smell, but not the taste. After a while in or around the kitchen, the coffee-lover would probably want a cup of coffee - naturally subject to their preference for how many cups of coffee they like each day, and their mood, and how well they were feeling, and whatever. The non-coffee-drinker could spend all day in the kitchen, and still not reach for the pot. Very occasionally they might have a cup to be sociable, or if they just felt like it, or share some coffee flavoured chocolates or tiramisu. But they could go the rest of their lives without coffee, too, even though they smelled it every time they entered their kitchen.

It's a bit like that with us and sex, although that analogy is just about at breaking point. My excuse: it's late here ;) Night, night!

Oh I like that coffee analogy! I can relate as I don't like coffee, but do enjoy the brewed smell :P

Thanks to everyone sharing their sexual thought behvaiour, it's definitely an interesting and somewhat eye-opening topic for me.

[Olivier]

Oh I like that coffee analogy! I can relate as I don't like coffee, but do enjoy the brewed smell :P

I used to be like that too, but my wife's shameless brewing of endless supplies of damn fine Irish coffees eventually wore me down :P

Still, if I'm alone in the house, I'm only rarely motivated to put on a pot just for me.

It would make our lives easier if we could just both be indifferent to the same things :)

[KevinSmith972]

Ok, I'm a male sexual married to an asexual (I think).

I think about sex a lot. Many times a day, maybe many time an hour. It starts as a small voice. After about 3 days it is a very loud voice and becomes a distraction to everything else. It is very much like (but also very different) from being very hungry. At some point I can't seem to focus on anything else.

I found this board recently and I think my wife matches the descriptions I have read. I think she is asexual.

Yes this has caused a lot of stress in our relationship. I feel frustrated and she feels bad about it. Over this past year I have come to accept things but I am still frustrated but I'm not angry.

I love her very much and she is more important to me than sex. Still...

I'm sure we're all familiar with the sterotypes: men are hornballs who think about sex (at least) 90% of the time, and women only want a more romantic relationship and actually don't care about sex at all.

Now, this obviously isn't true, but it is something that I, at least, hear a lot of. Especially the part about "All guys think about is sex! Sex, sex, sex, that's all they want!"

So I was wondering, how much DO people think about sex?

Sexual Men: How much do you think about sex? Is it really the main motivation for approching someone or asking someone out? (as opposed to motivation for a more emotional relationship)

Sexual Women: Is the stereotype accurate, that you want a more emotional relationship, and don't really care about sex, or is it the exact opposite? How much time to you spend thinking about sex?

Asexual Men and Women: In your experience, how much does your partner seem to care about sex? Have you ever felt pressured by them to try it, or felt that the lack of sex was causing your relationship to become strained?

As a final note, I realize that not everyone is the same, and that all people think of sex differently, but I'm interested in getting an honest answer out of somebody, just to get some sort of general idea of how people think. Personally, I had always assumed that women didn't desire sex at all, because that's what I experienced, so it's interesting (and admittedly a little weird) to see what's really going on in people's minds. (plus, whenever I try to ask people I know about this they just laugh as though the answer should be obvious, so I figured I'd just ask around here in search of a more serious response.)

[Paradise_Paradise]

I guess it's something to do with sex being so much more than intercourse.

I think this is where we may have to call it quits and where I may have to accept that you trying to explain it to me is like someone trying to explain red and blue to another person who's totally colorblind! :lol:

That 'fuzzy area' is what, I think, is really totally beyond my comprehension. I understand - and experience - feeling romantic love and affection for a person. I can understand in theory feeling a wish to have sex. What I seem to be completely unable to do is connect the two things. There are two boxes in my mind. 'LOVE' is one box. 'SEXUAL DESIRE' (as in the wish to have sex because you specifically want to have sex, not just because you want to be intimate in some way with a person) is another. They have virtually nothing to do with each other, to me.

[Nalle Neversure]

Thanks Olivier for your insights.

Your posts make sense to me (as much as they possibly can for an asexual ;)) especially your analogues. I love the coffee one! And they are well-written and fun to read too. :D

[astenny]

I am often amused by this question, which my partner has asked from time to time as well. Truthfully, I do not think about sex overly much. I do think about it, sometimes everyday or sometimes I can go without thinking about it for days on end. Sex is nice, do not get me wrong, but there are better things out there. Like spending time with my partner or just holding his hand. The "little" things are so much more important than the "big" things like sex.