Question to sexuals...

[Zekris]

I'm sure we're all familiar with the sterotypes: men are hornballs who think about sex (at least) 90% of the time, and women only want a more romantic relationship and actually don't care about sex at all.

Now, this obviously isn't true, but it is something that I, at least, hear a lot of. Especially the part about "All guys think about is sex! Sex, sex, sex, that's all they want!"

So I was wondering, how much DO people think about sex?

Sexual Men: How much do you think about sex? Is it really the main motivation for approching someone or asking someone out? (as opposed to motivation for a more emotional relationship)

Sexual Women: Is the stereotype accurate, that you want a more emotional relationship, and don't really care about sex, or is it the exact opposite? How much time to you spend thinking about sex?

Asexual Men and Women: In your experience, how much does your partner seem to care about sex? Have you ever felt pressured by them to try it, or felt that the lack of sex was causing your relationship to become strained?

As a final note, I realize that not everyone is the same, and that all people think of sex differently, but I'm interested in getting an honest answer out of somebody, just to get some sort of general idea of how people think. Personally, I had always assumed that women didn't desire sex at all, because that's what I experienced, so it's interesting (and admittedly a little weird) to see what's really going on in people's minds. (plus, whenever I try to ask people I know about this they just laugh as though the answer should be obvious, so I figured I'd just ask around here in search of a more serious response.)

[kt8]

First of all, that it NOT TRUE AT ALL about women - if my roommates are anything to go by. They think about sex A LOT. As do the males in my apartment (this all came out in a conversation about sex, where they all admitted that, yes, they really do think about sex that much).

I pretty much don't think about sex. Or if I do, it's very general and non-specific - not a fantasy or imagining the act of sex, but more like ruminating on the topic, how people think of it, how everything is sexualized, etc. Or wondering if I'll ever have sex, etc. Otherwise, no, sex is not generally something that dominates my mind.

[AllyCat]

Sexual Women: Is the stereotype accurate, that you want a more emotional relationship, and don't really care about sex, or is it the exact opposite? How much time to you spend thinking about sex?

I definitely want sex, but I want it in the context of an emotional relationship. My understanding of "emotional" is a little different from what you might expect. I'm not into flowers and champagne and declarations of love. But I only want to have sex with people who will be good friends to me: able to hold up their end of an intelligent conversation, genuinely interested in my well-being, and willing share a bit of who they are with me. Cuddles are also great; I wouldn't want a sex partner who didn't cuddle afterward. I think it's a shame the phrase "friends with benefits" doesn't refer to real friendships with real benefits, because otherwise I'd describe the kind of relationship I like as "friends with benefits".

My sex drive varies. There are times when I masturbate every day, and would have sex several times a day if given the opportunity (this often coincides with a new relationship, but occasionally it just pops up out of nowhere). I have gone through periods of not wanting sex at all for several months (this usually coincides with depression). I'm married now, and I'd say that the average for me is preferring to have sex every couple of days.

I'm not sure how often I think about sex; I don't really monitor it. Probably a lot.

[Olivier]

I'm sexual and male, yet my answer isn't a whole lot different to AllyCat's.

I feel sexual attraction (in the sense of being aware of sexual attractiveness) towards certain women, based on my preferences in age, appearance and personality (and other things to a lesser extent), but I don't feel sexual desire unless there's an emotional connection and some sort of relationship, which in my case means that the only person I actually want to follow through on my sexual attraction with these days is my wife.

As my wife is asexual, I am more aware of how often I feel the desire for sex, because I usually have to consciously modify my behaviour at such times to respect my wife's boundaries. I think that for sexuals, sexuality is a bit of a sixth sense, and the sense it's most like is smell. Most of the time we're not very aware of what we're smelling, even though our nose is constantly sending signals back to the brain. It's only when they become particularly strong that we feel we're "smelling something". And it's rarer still for that sensation to trigger some sort of behaviour or desire ("mmmm, coffee, that makes me want to drink some").

As for how often? That's tricky. I want sex more when I haven't had any for a while, which for me is nearly always, or the day after I have had sex last. However while my wife was trying to get pregnant, we went through periods of aiming for sex twice a day every day for about ten days each month, and as great as that was at first, it's probably more than I would want on a permanent basis. I think everyone has a range of acceptable frequencies - mine's probably from about one to four times a week. Having said that, it's not particularly useful to just count intercourse as most people do. Far more important for me is that my daily life has an element of sexuality in it. Whether that's being able to admire my wife's beauty, or a lusty kiss when leaving for work, or sharing off-colour puns, or a short make-out or massage session at bedtime, it's just something that flows through life at varying intensities (more often low or very low than high or very high), not something that gets switched on or switched off.

[ThePieMaker]

I really enjoyed reading your answers, Allycat and Olivier. I've kind of always wanted to ask this question, but I don't want to offend anyone, you know? Your answers are what I had hoped for reality to be, but the reality I see is obviously a little skewed between my asexual ways and being in college where I'm surrounded by many people who still kind of see sex as this new and incredibly exciting thing and are riskier in their sexual behavior.

You two gave a very human, emotional, and sweet sort of aspect to it which I've always hoped to find in people.

[Olivier]

Thanks, Ally.

One more thought: when I feel like I'm "constantly thinking about sex" that's usually due to having gone longer than I'd prefer without any. Even so, it's more a case that instead of ranging from very high to very low, I get sort of sexually hyperaware, so things that would usually register a low or very low response instead come in around medium. Knocking all the lows out of that cycle is probably what people refer to as "always wanting sex".

If that's a product of not getting as much sex as you want, then people around college age would be susceptible to it in two ways: wanting more sex than younger/older people, and not getting nearly as much as they say they are :) Although if they are getting a lot of sex, there also seems to be for me a real spike in interest for about 24 hours after sex for more sex - probably a whole lot of hormones still washing around in the system , which could also be an issue for college students.

[thylacine]

I'm asexual & female & almost never think of sex at all. When I was younger, I never thought about it... from age 38 & onward, once a month, I would have a "sexually related thought" in my mind, once a month, a few days around what we shall politely call "our natural cycle," but that thought would quickly go away, and I would think of more important things, like getting the laundry done and cleaning the cat vomit off my carpet. I'm basically like this person for whom sex doesn't exist, I mean I know what it is & know what it's for, but it's not a part of my universe... It's something that other people get all worked up about.

[peachy]

I'm not sexual, but I just had to answer. I'm sorta weird cuz I think about sex often enough, even though I'm asexual. My brain intantly takes random, out of context, things people say or do and turns it sexual. This only happens when I'm watching TV/Movies and not in real life. I'm not a factor in the sexual thought. It just involves those talking or whatever. I'm not sure why and I can't stop my brain from doing that.

[Shockwave]

Since this is a question for sexuals I'm moving it over to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

-Shockwave, co-mod of Asexual Q&A.

[Guest member25959]

Ive never thought about sex, atleast not in the way sexuals do? to be honest, im almost sickened by the thought of sex or a naked body.

[strawberry:3]

i don't think about sex including me (or other girls) at all e__e that, to me, is just disgusting.

>____> sadly i'm guilty of saying "sex sex sex, that's all guys care about" quite a bit. that's not helpful though, sorry

[BunnyK.]

I'm a little different than Olivier and Allycat in that sexuality isn't quite as tied to emotion for me. It's *preferable* for me to have sex with someone I care about, and at this point in my life I doubt I would go for sex with a random stranger (for various reasons), but it's not necessary for me to like someone to be aroused by them. I've had had some very good sex with people that I could happily have never talked to again if there hadn't been sexual chemistry between us.

As far as how much I think about sex, well, I definitely don't think about sex all day long - it's more like I get snippets of sexual things here and there. It MIGHT add up to 5 minutes a day if I don't have any good reason to think about it more. However, if there's opportunity, or if I have to write a post about it, or if I'm really starved for sex, those snippets can catch my attention. The thoughts might be purely academic, or they might bloom into fantasies..or best of all, actions. :P

I suppose the ideal amount of sex for me would be somewhere between 3 and 10 times per week. It used to be more, and it will be again, I'm sure, but that seems like a fair estimate. Of course, it's been a long time since I got as much sex as I wanted, so maybe I would settle down again after a while.

[Jazmin]

I know what it is & know what it's for, but it's not a part of my universe...

That's exactly how it is for me. I know it exists, I know enough about it to know how it basically works...so it's not like I've never thought of it, because I am aware it is out there. I've just never thought about it as applying to/involving me. And it was like this all through my teen years.

[superscyther]

Olivier: I really like how you described thinking about sex like one's sense of smell; it also helped me understand better, and it was a clever description!

[Goonie]

uh thinking about sex and wanting to have sex tends to hit me randomly. Like the other day when I was at work and had to unlock a door for a class and I realized that the recycle guy is in the class. I had some um interesting thoughts race through my head that boiled down to he has too many clothes on, I have too many clothes on and I don't care if there are people. I like to blame that one on the books I've been reading recently even though I skip over all those parts.

Most times when I have the random sex thoughts it's normally not attached to emotions as it is the idea of several one night stands with random strangers. I think it's because I'm in an emotionally dead stage right now and don't really want to complicate my life with more emotions. But there are times I do long for the emotionally tie.

Hell, even I don't know what I want :)

[dustindareawf]

It seems to me that women desire sex more than men. My brother and I often converse on how we can't trust our girlfriends to be around other guys. It's as if women can't control themselves. They get sexually tempted easily and seem to enter an altered stage of consciousness, unable to resist their sexual urges. Guys seem to have an easier time controlling their sexual thoughts. Or maybe that's just the skewed view from a guy's perspective.

[Jazmin]

It seems to me that women desire sex more than men. My brother and I often converse on how we can't trust our girlfriends to be around other guys. It's as if women can't control themselves. They get sexually tempted easily and seem to enter an altered stage of consciousness, unable to resist their sexual urges. Guys seem to have an easier time controlling their sexual thoughts. Or maybe that's just the skewed view from a guy's perspective.

Lol. I thought guys were supposed to be the ones who have more sexual urges than girls. On average. That's what society makes it seem to be anyway. Saying how guys think about sex more, often to the extent of several times a day, etc.

Then again, I'm a girl, so my perspective's probably skewed too. :lol: Add to that the fact that I'm A so I don't really notice or experience those feelings myself...so I'm probably not the most reliable person to give judgement...

But in all seriousness though, I think it just depends on what girl and what guy. Everyone is different. Some girls might be like that, some aren't. Same goes for guys.

[Sinitivity]

Sexual Women: Is the stereotype accurate, that you want a more emotional relationship, and don't really care about sex, or is it the exact opposite? How much time to you spend thinking about sex?

I think about sex a lot. Like a lot. It would be nice to have an emotional relationship in regard to sex, but with some women it doesn't matter, sex is just sex - gratification. I'm thinking it would vary from female to female, taking into account their libido obviously =P

[Guest member25959]

I think Most sexuals think about sex whenever they see someone from the opposite gender (same gender if homosexual)

[zoidberger]

I think Most sexuals think about sex whenever they see someone from the opposite gender (same gender if homosexual)

I tend to think that's probably not true... Sure it's a pretty sexual society, but there are obviously other thoughts that people have come up with while not preoccupied with sexual thoughts. I think it's probably best left for other sexuals to enlighten us on how much they think about sex rather than to speculate...

I personally don't think about sex at all... or at least barely ever... I can't actually create such a mental picture and have never thought of another person that way. This question has interested me though as I think the genders probably have very different sexual thought habits than society/media claims.

[LaMaestra]

Never, unless I think of my favourite male singer. He is the only man who has ever aroused anything approaching a desire in me.

[AllyCat]

I really enjoyed reading your answers, Allycat and Olivier.

Thanks!

It seems to me that women desire sex more than men. My brother and I often converse on how we can't trust our girlfriends to be around other guys. It's as if women can't control themselves. They get sexually tempted easily and seem to enter an altered stage of consciousness, unable to resist their sexual urges. Guys seem to have an easier time controlling their sexual thoughts. Or maybe that's just the skewed view from a guy's perspective.

<sarcasm>

It's because of how our uterus wanders up into our brain and starts fiddling around in there. It makes us into emotionally-driven automata (unlike you big strong men, who are totally rational at all times).

</sarcasm>

I think Most sexuals think about sex whenever they see someone from the opposite gender (same gender if homosexual)

I sincerely doubt this. Just because you're attracted to some people of a particular gender doesn't mean you're attracted to them all. (I'm somewhere on the spectrum between heterosexual and pansexual, but I'm certainly not attracted to everybody.)

[Olivier]

I think Most sexuals think about sex whenever they see someone from the opposite gender (same gender if homosexual)

I tend to think that's probably not true...

I tend to think zoidberger is right :)

As a bit of an experiment, I once kept a rough count of how many women roughly my age I found sexually attractive when in town. My result: no more than 10%. And then there were the very many too young/too old for me to find sexually attractive. And that was by consciously forcing myself to think that way - usually it would be very easy for me to go a month between seeing a woman other than my wife who would make me think of sex purely by her appearance.

Also, I most often find random women sexually attractive from a distance. That's probably because the two physical attributes I find most attractive are long shapely legs, and confident, happy smiles. Often legs get my attention from a distance, but from closer a scowl, or bored expression wipe it out again There are many attributes (physical, personality, voice, etc) that I find sexy, and others I find a turn off. I'm old enough to have met many women who have most or all of the good ones, and few or none of the bad - and I'm married to one of them. Anyone who doesn't tick just about every box just isn't going to make my sexual radar go off. Which is fine by me - I'm perfectly happy relating to people as people. And on the rare occasion there is a sexual element, then that's just part of relating to people as people in any case - it's not somehow separate.

[SecretSaucer]

It seems to me that women desire sex more than men. My brother and I often converse on how we can't trust our girlfriends to be around other guys. It's as if women can't control themselves. They get sexually tempted easily and seem to enter an altered stage of consciousness, unable to resist their sexual urges. Guys seem to have an easier time controlling their sexual thoughts. Or maybe that's just the skewed view from a guy's perspective.

I didn't realize sexual women were like that! Is it difficult for you to keep from being sexually assaulted by them?

[Sinitivity]

It seems to me that women desire sex more than men. My brother and I often converse on how we can't trust our girlfriends to be around other guys. It's as if women can't control themselves. They get sexually tempted easily and seem to enter an altered stage of consciousness, unable to resist their sexual urges. Guys seem to have an easier time controlling their sexual thoughts. Or maybe that's just the skewed view from a guy's perspective.

I didn't realize sexual women were like that! Is it difficult for you to keep from being sexually assaulted by them?

Women don't desire sex more than men? you can't generalise like that. What makes you think women can't resist sexual urges!? Definitely a skewed view view from a guy's perspective.

[Apollonian]

Sexual Women: Is the stereotype accurate, that you want a more emotional relationship, and don't really care about sex, or is it the exact opposite? How much time to you spend thinking about sex?

No, it's not. From conversations I've overheard, stuff I've heard female friends say, and in my experience in relationships with sexual women, it's 100% false that women don't really care about sex or that men want it more. Women want sex just as much as men, it's just that in the past women were conditioned to think that "good girls don't," and it was socially acceptable for men (though one wonders about the logic behind that, if it's okay for men, but not for women, then just who were the men supposed to be having sex with since masculine equaled heterosexual?).

[Tool1989]

I don't really think about seeing a naked body but I love being able to have skin on skin contact. Especially when we are cuddling. Women's skin is so soft and smooth...I wish I had skin like that! :(

And yes women do like sex even if they aren't in a real relationship.

[greenmonster]

As a sexual female I think about sex about 50%-75% of the day. Depending if I am at work or not. Possibly because of the triggers around me, Crushes, Movies and of course "subliminal messages".

[Hallucigenia]

Sexual female:

I think about sex several times a day, or more if something happens where sex is actually somewhat relevant (like being affectionate with my boyfriend or reading a discussion about sex on AVEN or reading a sexual scene in a book).

Thinking about sex a lot =/= (that means "does not equal") wanting sex a lot.

I do experience sexual desire, but I'd say the majority of times I think about sex it isn't really about desire. Sometimes I'm just having a nice fantasy and am totally content with it not actually happening. Sometimes I'm just thinking about sex in a theoretical or scientific or political sense. Sometimes I'm thinking of sex in a humorous way, or sometimes I'm thinking seriously (as opposed to having a sexual fantasy) about the sexual feelings and desires of other people, or characters in a story. Asexuals can do all of these except for actually wanting sex, although not all of them do and that's fine.

Not really caring about sex =/= wanting a "more emotional relationship". Some people are deeply emotional and deeply sexual. Other people don't care much about sex or emotional relationships.

I would put myself in the "both emotional and sexual" category, as would most sexuals here, I imagine. *has and eats it too*

As for "not resisting sexual urges", I would have to say that depends more on a person's maturity, experience, and self-discipline than on their gender.

[Paradise_Paradise]

It seems to me that women desire sex more than men. My brother and I often converse on how we can't trust our girlfriends to be around other guys. It's as if women can't control themselves. They get sexually tempted easily and seem to enter an altered stage of consciousness, unable to resist their sexual urges. Guys seem to have an easier time controlling their sexual thoughts. Or maybe that's just the skewed view from a guy's perspective.

Asexual female here who just finds that interesting. Possibly theory:

Sex tends to be more bound up in a single package with emotion for women, whereas men can compartmentalize more and see sex in some instances as being just sex, nothing more (yes, I know I'm generalizing and that sexual men and women do vary). Social conditioning also still says that it's more acceptable for men to admit they want sex than it is women. Therefore the guy acknowledges his feelings in a completely guilt-free way and looks at them initially in a part of his brain that's probably more logical than it is emotional, despite sex being such a 'primal' instinct. He analyzes them: "I'd like sex with that girl. I don't love her; I'd just like sex with her. Are there going to be any problems caused by that, and if there are, are they bigger than how much I'm going to enjoy the sex?" Etc., etc. He's not confused by it. He's not being affected by emotions to the same degree.