Andrea Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 I could not belive it when I read my Dr's billing sheet and she had written on it "SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION" :oops: :evil: PPL still consider it a disease instead of a choice. I know my truama as a child has a lot to do with it ... she brought that up. She also discussed the fact that my husband is VERY sexual. which is the polor opposite of me. She told me we shoud go to marriage counselling. Not a bad idea. But he feels the same way he does. It's my problem. not his. :cry: Thank you everyone, your comments were very intellegent and enlightening. To answer a few of your questions: Yes, he knew I was ASEXUAL when we met. He knew of all my TRAUMA as a young girl. He PROMISED he'd be different. We've been together since 1993. After 5 years I trusted he'd always understand my asexuality. So we married in january 1998. Soon after that.... :cry: he changed, he developed into every other man I'd ever dated or had a relationship with....Sex was an OBLIGATION. He owned me. I'm his wife. I owe him sex now. :cry: It's so disheartening :( :? :cry: Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Hey there. I've noticed this is your third thread in the Welcome forum. Just trying to get the BBCode working right? All you need to do is hit the Edit button in the upper right hand of the post you just made and you and fix it up rather than making a whole new thread. ;) No offense, just trying to be helpful. Anyhow. Your doctor is probably under the impression that your asexuality is something that distresses you. If it doesn't, than you shouldn't, by any means, feel it necessary to "fix" yourself. It is possible that a childhood trauma may be causing you to repress, but it's just as likely that you are the way you are. It's for you to decide, really. As far as it being your problem, that's a complete lie. If you're in a committed relationship with another person, and they want something you are unwilling to give, it's a problem for both parties. Marriage should be a compromise, and in no way should one person be forced to change for the other's sake. Perhaps you could direct your spouse here and show him the Info section. it might help to explain to him that the way you feel is just the way you feel, and that he ought to respect your asexuality, just as you respect his sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Oh, and I'm not married. But I am in love. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Oh, hi, there, Andrea. I've just pmed you. Oops. I checked my inbox before checking the forums. Did you explain to your doctor you weren't distressed by your asexuality? Cate Link to post Share on other sites
wombat Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Well.... Once again...I think i'll be the unpopular asexual here. I wouldn't say that your husband has an addictive habbit...that is sex. He's just being a normal guy. He does not have anything wrong with him. Guys normally really like sex. Sexual drive is not a bad thing. And sexual dysfunction? Well....Yeah. Let's break apart the word. Dys....function. Not functional sexual drive. That describes asexuals to a T. However....dysfunction often carries with it the tone that it must be "corrected"....which is BullS***. I don't think that asexuality can be...or in many cases should be...corrected. Asexuality is not normal. But it also is not wrong or need to be corrected. But, as an analytical thinker....i'd say that asexuality falls under sexual dysfunction. But just not "fixable". As far as the sexaholic. Well....Your married, right? So, obviously the love must be there. The thing is....when asexuality clashes with sexual relationships. The real question is.....How much does his sex drive offend or make you feel bad? Is it bad enough to say "your never having sex with me again". Or is it just that he CONSTANTLY wants sex....and that...while you don't like sex...it's does not all that bother you much....and he needs to tone it down a bit? It really is up to you. On one hand you have your asexuality. On the other is a relationship to a (i assume) Wonderful guy that you love....who needs what most guys need....sex. If you cut off sex completly....your husband WILL need a release...and how will that come about? And because you posted here...i think that means that you have issues with his CONSTANT sex drive...and you don't like that too much. You must weigh the concequences and the rewards on each end....and do what most couples do. Comprimise. So....I'd have a very serious discussion with your husband. And reach a comprimise. The key to all relationships (in my own opinion) is honesty. So....be open about your asexuality. And....just talk. I'm not really good at this advice thing. But....talking always helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Kapsberger Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 So....I'd have a very serious discussion with your husband. And reach a comprimise. The key to all relationships (in my own opinion) is honesty. Amen, brother. It's not just your opinion. For what it's worth, I thought that was a really well thought-out post. Nothing in there to make you an unpopular asexual, in my humble opinion. Andrea, welcome, and I hope you find something helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 I wouldn't say that your husband has an addictive habbit...that is sex. He's just being a normal guy. *shrug* It's hard to say either way without knowing the guy. All we know so far is how Andrea feels. "Sex addict" may or may not be a hyperbole, for all we know. Your married, right? So, obviously the love must be there. Gotta hope so. But anyway, sound advice Wombat. Link to post Share on other sites
fluffy_hime Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Welcome Andrea! What Julie said. Link to post Share on other sites
ApplePie Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 PPL still consider it a disease instead of a choice. :? Errr - before getting irate about medical professionals giving you an answer you don't want to hear, I'd check your understandings of a few fundamental terms... a). celibacy IS a choice. asexuality IS NOT a choice. B). as others have said (Wombats post being particularly good) "dysfunction" could be a correct diagnosis. In terms of 'normal' sexual function, given current medical understanding, common therapist experience and research you are "dysfunctional" as are many of us here. Whether that is a problem and needs to be corrected is a matter for YOU to decide (e.g. if it causes you relationship problems) and it may not be possible to change. Definitely sounds like you BOTH need to go and get some advice from a relationship expert or sexual health psychotherapists. Fighting against terminology, general practitioners etc might make you feel better for a while, but it sure won't help you. Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 You didn't mention how long you have been married or whether your husband knew about your lack of sexual interest before you became married. If he knew beforehand, then he has no grounds for complaint. Unfortunately though, he has a lot of weight on his side when he DOES complain. The notion that people absolutely MUST be engaging in sex to be happy seems to permeate every aspect of our society. Society's view: Your need to NOT have sex is NOT every bit as valid as his need to HAVE sex because his need is "normal" and yours is not. Of course I don't agree with this, but if he feels this way he will be able to find of plenty of "experts" to back him up. Ideally, your needs and his should be equally valid and you should work out a fair compromise together. In a perfect world that would work. In reality, I don't know, and unfortunately I don't really have much other advice to offer. BTW, mine is the one different vote. -Greybird Link to post Share on other sites
Silly Green Monkey Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 I'm the one who made Greybird no longer the one different vote. As always and with everything, communication is essential. Assumptions are killer. Link to post Share on other sites
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