I just realized I am in a non sexual relationship

[lauriekassie]

I have been dating this handsome, charismatic, man for almost three years. He calls me constantly and we see each other often. He is the most sexually attractive man I have ever wanted to be with,. yet he never kisses me or touches me. If I ask him if I can rub his back or if he would just kiss me when we are in bed together he says NO every time.

The most romantic he ever is when after we have spent days together when I am leaving to go home he will only then (sometimes) hug me and give me a quick kiss good bye. My hygiene is perfect so please do not say it is me. I have described him as playing inside an electric fence, we have fun together within the boundaries but touch his fence you will not be happy. All of my friends say he is not into me, or he is just using me, if he cared about me he would show it. He is not affectionate at all. I don’t know why I love him, I find myself strongly addicted to him, but sadly missing a huge part of loving him. Other women he has known said he is not sexual after he gets to know you. One woman asked me if I have ever really had sex with him. After three years I have but very rarely maybe less than a dozen times averaging 4 times a year. Is this it? How do you feel good or have anything to remember when you do not love each other? In-between making love I like to think about it. I have nothing to keep me going he is nice but he will not show love. Until I was reading about asexuality I did not believe that it is a real affliction but it describes him perfectly.

[iexo]

I have been dating this handsome, charismatic, man for almost three years. He calls me constantly and we see each other often. He is the most sexually attractive man I have ever wanted to be with,. yet he never kisses me or touches me. If I ask him if I can rub his back or if he would just kiss me when we are in bed together he says NO every time.

The most romantic he ever is when after we have spent days together when I am leaving to go home he will only then (sometimes) hug me and give me a quick kiss good bye. My hygiene is perfect so please do not say it is me. I have described him as playing inside an electric fence, we have fun together within the boundaries but touch his fence you will not be happy. All of my friends say he is not into me, or he is just using me, if he cared about me he would show it. He is not affectionate at all. I don’t know why I love him, I find myself strongly addicted to him, but sadly missing a huge part of loving him. Other women he has known said he is not sexual after he gets to know you. One woman asked me if I have ever really had sex with him. After three years I have but very rarely maybe less than a dozen times averaging 4 times a year. Is this it? How do you feel good or have anything to remember when you do not love each other? In-between making love I like to think about it. I have nothing to keep me going he is nice but he will not show love. Until I was reading about asexuality I did not believe that it is a real affliction but it describes him perfectly.

I think it's probably hard for us to conjecture without having met/been him. You might want to ask him if you feel it describes him. It sounds really rough, to feel so strongly about someone and not know where you stand. Also, it's not so much an "affliction" as it is a sexual orientation, like being gay or straight.

[Parth]

Yeah, I would recommend telling him about this site, to see if he thinks it describes him. Asexuality isn't an 'affliction', mind you... it's a sexual orientation.

[sonofzeal]

Yeah, I would recommend telling him about this site, to see if he thinks it describes him. Asexuality isn't an 'affliction', mind you... it's a sexual orientation.

Agreed. Most asexuals are happy about it, accepting that part of themselves as healthy and natural - and for them, it most likely is!

On the other hand, there's also a few things like Sexual Aversion Disorder which are rather unhealthy (and treatable, to some degree or other), but can sometime be mistaken as asexuality. If he is repulsed by sex, and this causes him distress, look into S.A.D.

Otherwise, don't think of this as an affliction. Think of it as just a part of how things are with this man, like his height or taste in music, that maybe you enjoy and maybe you don't, but is right and proper for him and is not likely to change any time soon. If it's not something you're okay with (like a strong taste for country music that you find painful to hear), and you decide to break up and seek greener pastures, I don't think anyone here will blame you. Some people just aren't compatible in ways that only become obvious with time. But don't it on him.

[Questioned]

He sound aromantic (against romance/affection/lovey stuff). Don't think that all asexuals are against affection.

[Guest disjointed]

lauriekassie

Firstly if he is Asexual it isn't you

I get angry when Asexuals allow things to go on to a point to where a Sexual partner starts to have confidence and self worth thoughts

That said

Some have sex rarely for no other reason than to try and make a partner happy and the amount of times isn't far off what you have said

He's not into you? I'd say a three year relationship says differently

Even within Asexuality there are several layers.. it can go from tactile touching, kissing and hugging to the other end of the scale of a complete revoltion

Perhaps he is afraid to let that fence down through fear of you not knowing when to stop and him being unable to tell you why?

I agree with some others..get him into Aven.. see what happens from there

[SlightlyMetaphysical]

All of my friends say he is not into me, or he is just using me, if he cared about me he would show it.

How do you feel good or have anything to remember when you do not love each other?

Here's where your friends may be wrong. Sex doesn't equal love, and it's perfectly possible that he may love you and still be asexual.

You need to talk to him about this. Maybe he hasn't heard of asexuality, and will understand himself more if he learns about it, giving you two a better relationship. Maybe he really is using you for something, although, from what you've said, I doubt it. We don't have any of the answers- only he knows what's going on in his head.

EDIT: And I agree with Disjointed's point. Many asexuals who don't know about asexuality, or who haven't explained to their partners are afraid of kissing, hugging, etc. because they think their partner will expect sex from it. Once he's told you how he feels about sex, and if you let him know that kissing isn't going to lead to sex, he may be more willing.

[mad_scientist]

Send him here. If he's asexual and doesn't know it, it'll be one of the best things you can do for him. Believe me, finding out there's nothing "wrong" with you and you're not alone in the world is extremely liberating.

Although it's best not to tell him you think of it as an "affliction". If he's asexual he has an unusual orientation, not a disease. And whatever you do, don't try to "fix" him -- that's about the most deeply offensive thing you could do.